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Mental health

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Original poster

How do I get help-I want to hurt my dd, I don't care if I never see her again.

102 replies

Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:33

I used to love her so much but now I can't even bare to look at her. I am making her life a misery and I despise her, but she gives me no real good reason-the girls at nursery think she is an angel and she behaves very well, but I feel no love towards her. I hate her so much. I have been to the doctors but he said it is normal, but I keep leaving her in shops or in the street if we go shopping as I can't bear to be near her-I can't bear to touch her or bath her or do anything with her, I hate it all-she is 4 so it can't be pnd. Pleas help me, I want it to be as it used to be, I used to love her so much.

OP posts:

berolina · 13/03/2008 19:10

What you say about your feelings towars your dd is shocking, tbh, but this speaks volumes:

'Am so worried that they will put dd in care if I tell the doctor the truth.'

That is the core of it: you do not want to lose her, she is your child. With help, you can turn this around, but you need that help, asap. You sound both exhausted and grieving, which is manifesting itself in anger.

lucyellensmum · 13/03/2008 19:10

it is screamingly obvious that you are in the midst of deep grief for your mum and you have not been able to let this out. You havent hurt your daughter, so why would they take her away? You have feelings that you want to, but you don't! These feelings are there to tell you that you must get some help. I know what you mean about he counselling, but you know, you can have medication that will help you cope in the meantime, until you can straighten out your head. (i think half of the posters on this part of mnet are on ADs, i am for one, and they DO help).

Is there anyone in RL that you can get a break from??

MoreSpamThanGlam · 13/03/2008 19:11

in the meantime, keep writing down how you feel, or draw your feelings (feels weird at first but trust me - its amazing what comes out). keep posting, just talk shite, but keep posting.

You cant see us girl, but you are not alone.

captainmummy · 13/03/2008 19:11

and tell the fing doctor that it is not normal to wish your child hurt or gone. You are not thinking straight at the mo. You need help. Get the doctor to Get it.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/03/2008 19:12

Please email me.

berolina · 13/03/2008 19:15

Just to add my voice to those saying this is not you feeling like this - you are not well. The repulsion you feel towards her things is a very clear sign. I also agree that you are brave - very brave. Keep being brave now, and get help. Don't be fobbed off.

stoppinattwo · 13/03/2008 19:15

do you think you are trying to distance yourself from her because you are hurting so much with losing your mum.........i mean like a self preservation type of thing?? preserving her inces she loses you, or preserving yourself for if you should ever lose her.

i lost my father years ago and I would try my utmost to upset those around me, I realised it was a vain attempt to try and distance myself and stop hurting iykwim.

I think you are a very brave an honest woman for coming on here and admitting how you feel and I wish you and your daughter well, you have a beautiful little girl there and you know that deep down.

Please keep talking, and dont forget she is 4, when there are times you are really fed up you gan get away with a couple of minutes in the loo. XXXXXX

newgirl · 13/03/2008 19:16

i think you do love your dd because you have posted here

you need support and a break

please go and see another doctor or a health visitor tomorrow and tell them that you need urgent help

stoppinattwo · 13/03/2008 19:17

what i mean is shut the door and have peace and time to think clearly

mollymawk · 13/03/2008 19:22

Absolutely echo what others have said. You are clearly suffering the loss of your mother and the pressures of bringing up a child on your own. Do go to a doctor who will help you.

Piffle · 13/03/2008 19:25

Hatemyself. Are you near me? I'm in lincs. I can help with care , talking anything if you need. I get real anger too but have learned to cope nowadays I know where you are mentally he you need help NOW! Please call someone

ChutneyMary · 13/03/2008 19:39

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I'm in S london if you are anywhere near, and have a DD of 3 who could play with yours whilst you have a break. You must be exhausted with grief following your mum's death, without having all the strains of being a single parent as well.

Second the others who say you MUST get to see another GP at the practice TOMORROW. It is an emergency as your DD is at risk of harm and you need the support NOW. You can get better and with the right support you will.

I think you are very brave to have posted and you are clearly a loving mother as you have recognised that there is a problem and want to take steps to sort it. With help, you can restore your relationship with your DD to what it once was. I hope you can get that help very soon.

Take care and keep posting. We are all rooting for you

Piffle · 13/03/2008 19:50

[email protected] if you need an ear or whatever.

EllieG · 13/03/2008 19:56

So brave to post OP. Please go back to a different doc and get some help. Please keep talking here.
They won't take your child away for being depressed, not if you are wanting and seeking help - children are always best with their parents unless situation completely broken down. Even if she was to go into respite foster care I would imagine would be short-term measure til you were better. I am a social worker so just wanted to reassure you of this. Please don't be afraid of asking for help, it's so much better than waiting until things are completely out of your control. You will not be condemned for wanting support, please do not be afraid to ask for it. Thinking of you xxx

Original poster

Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 20:14

Thank you all so much for supporting me. Have given dd a bath and changed her bedding and am just doing pyjamas and a story. I feel like I have turned a corner on this. I will def ring the doctor tomorrow-the hardest bit was doing it on Monday, tomorrow won't be as hard. Her dad is going to have her for the weekend so I can have a break and get my head straight. PLEASE let the doctor give me something, I just want to be even mediocre again, let alone happy! Anything but this ball of horridness!

OP posts:

Habbibu · 13/03/2008 20:17

Good for you. You know you have 24 hour support here - please keep posting and being honest...

ROSEgarden · 13/03/2008 20:19

im in teeside if you are close, im a childminder and ahve lots of children around, so your dd could come and play and you could have some time to yourself?
the offers there if you need it

ROSEgarden · 13/03/2008 20:20

sorry that looks like im gunna charge..your dd can come and play as a freind not as work

wildwoman · 13/03/2008 20:37

I'm in the south west, I'm so glad you are feeling more positive. Please keep coming back to this thread.

lucyellensmum · 13/03/2008 20:43

You are right, you HAVE turned a corner, you want to make things alright, and that is half the battle. Go to your doctors, MAKE THEM LISTEN. You are very brave and you will get through this.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 13/03/2008 20:43

Thats it - just one step at a time.

Dont forget to just write or draw , even if its scrawly rubbish.

Please confide in someone. Think - who do you know that is really kind?

Keep posting.....

ara · 13/03/2008 20:45

Really good to read you are calling the doctor again - be honest with him/her and don't accept the same response as last time for both your sake and dd's. Best wishes for you both xx

OrmIrian · 13/03/2008 20:53

Good luck. Keep on at the GP until he does something. You are so brave for saying all this.

If it's any comfort I have felt like this towards my DD at times - she was the only one I had PND with - and I felt it really hard to bond with her. I used to sit and cry because I couldn't love her like I did my other children. I think that I had PND long before I did anything about it - tiredness can mask a lot of other stuff. The anti-Ds helped hugely in the end.

bb99 · 13/03/2008 21:18

Haven't read whole thread - but - PND can be delayed and can come on years later. See doctor, see HV, be as strong and as honest as you can with them. I know someone who had it misdiagnosed and unnoticed for 6 years!

Sounds like how I felt about dc2 and that was/is PND - feel a lot better now, but like OrmIrian felt the same, and awful for not loving him enough! Saw 'Help me love my baby' and suddenly had an epiphany...

Do you have someone in RL who can be a trusted chaperone and make sure they listen to you?

It is a brave step to admit this and you clearly do love your dd as you are trying to get help and understand that you're not feeling right. Also that you are making progress and feeling a bit better. Heart goes out to you and dd! Feeling odd can be awful, but it can and does get better with the right support.

Lovely mummy! Best wishes to you both.

Original poster

Hatemyselfforthis · 14/03/2008 02:54

Thank you all so so much. I can't believe how supportive you all are-I have just felt like I am pure evil for so long. I went to buy her some new shoes today and so picked her up early from nursery, went to the shop, took her for a drink and a treat afterwards, and then she lay down in a staionary shop because I would only buy her one card to send to her favourite aunt and she tried to get our of the shop a funny way (squeezing through two card rotary things which obviously were too close together and so were v close to falling over) and I went insane with her, as in absoutely insane-like I had literally snapped-and dragged her all the way to the car telling her how naughty and bad she was, when it isn't her that is naughty and bad, it is me . I realised then that I cannot do this anymore, I cannot control my feelings internally anymore, they keep exploding out of me and it is so so scary. Am also having huge sleep problems-I fall asleep at about 8pm, then wake up about 2 with huge guilt and cannot sleep again, and feel so dreadful and bad all night. Or if I do sleep I dream that I have cremated mum and she was still alive or that I creamated someone elses mum that was still alive and mum is still here and I wake up distraught. Have dug out some paper so am going to try and organise my thoughts and write things down now while I am not sleeping, and hopefully in 6 hours I can ring the docs and get some help. Please let them help me, my dd is such a lovely child-so bright and so loving-I can see all of that if I look at her like she is someone elses chld, but I get so jealous of others that seem happy when with their children, especially if they have two and are still happy-it feels like they have double and more of the pressure I do yet can handle it, whereas I can't even handle one.

OP posts:

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