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Original poster

How do I get help-I want to hurt my dd, I don't care if I never see her again.

102 replies

Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:33

I used to love her so much but now I can't even bare to look at her. I am making her life a misery and I despise her, but she gives me no real good reason-the girls at nursery think she is an angel and she behaves very well, but I feel no love towards her. I hate her so much. I have been to the doctors but he said it is normal, but I keep leaving her in shops or in the street if we go shopping as I can't bear to be near her-I can't bear to touch her or bath her or do anything with her, I hate it all-she is 4 so it can't be pnd. Pleas help me, I want it to be as it used to be, I used to love her so much.

OP posts:
MissyTheFlouncer · 15/03/2008 20:58

what an inspiration you are
so glad that you are feeling bit better

EasterBunnylicious · 15/03/2008 21:17

Oh feelingbetter, you just bought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you are feeling better.

You are finally taking control back of your life and that is great. Don't be afraid to take the meds if you need them, they will take a few weeks to kick, it will still be you doing this. But you sound like you are doing great.

DD is probably still going to get on your nerves sometime (all kids do!) so maybe you could come up with some sort of technique to keep yourself calm, and mantra, counting in your head, rescue remedy, a nice aromatherapy spray or something. Seems trite I know, but might just keep you calm.

Good luck, you are doing great and you aren't doing this alone

Janni · 15/03/2008 21:25

My gut feeling if you 'hate' your daughter once she's becoming a proper girl rather than a baby, is that you have real problems loving and accepting yourself and you are taking those feelings out on her. Think (or get counselling) about what your own childhood was like. Were you loved and accepted, or were you never good enough? I you're not aware of this stuff, you will play it out in your relationship with your daughter.

lucyellensmum · 15/03/2008 21:39

thrilled to read that you are feeling better

I think you really turned a corner when you recognised things were going pear shaped and you asked for help - no easy task in itself. Don't worry if you have off days, we all do, but you just need to remind yourself that you are a good mummy who does love her dd so very much. The diary is a fantastic idea, i hope it helps.

Keep it up xxx

newgirl · 15/03/2008 21:50

hooray!! well done you.

so if you feel fed up again - talk to parentline/doc/hv/friends/us

take a break

be kind to yourself

eat properly

get enough rest

and you will do just fine x

newgirl · 15/03/2008 21:51

oo and buy some rescue remedy - i think that really helps when feeling really frazzled and ratty

EllieG · 16/03/2008 10:13

That's so good to hear feelingbetter - don't set yourself too many things to achieve/feel all at once though, and accept that you will have blips and relapses where you feel bad again. But they will get easier (I promise) to deal with and you will be less frightened by them cos you know they will pass.
Also don't dismiss meds - they can be good for getting you to a base line from which to function.
I'm so pleased you have had some useful help - am thinking of you. You've done brilliantly so far and have been so brave x

Sakura · 16/03/2008 10:27

This incredible insight that you have regarding your behaviour is going to stand you in good stead. I think the first step to making anything better is to admit the problem. This is honestly, honestly the hardest part over with. And you have done this. You have accepted that you are the one who needs to change, you have a perogative to work with. Many mothers spend their whole lives believing their daughters are the ones who were born bad and they never change or show remorse for their behaviour.

This might sound like phsychobabble, but I think that when a mother has an irrational aversion towards her daughter, it is actually herself that she loathes, not the little one. But these strong emotions come out sideways, onto the wrong person. Its easier to take focus the hatred on a child than to look at why we feel like we do. Sometimes the hatred is a reaction to the way we were treated ourselves as a child and if we hate ourselves for some reason, the child reminds us of us!

Sakura · 16/03/2008 10:28

Sorry, just read Janni`s post saying roughly the same as mine.

Feelingbetterslowly · 16/03/2008 10:43

Thank you all again, I wish I could come up to you all and give you all the biggest hugs imaginable! You are all such clever ladies, you really really are-although I really don't think I'm that brave-desperate was more like it, although I am perfectly happy to read and re-read the brave bits!! Thank you all so much for all your posts-they have really helped me tell myself that I am not the only person in the world that has ever felt like this and I am not the devil mother in disguise! DD is back in two hours, I'm hopping from foot to foot! Today is the start of a new life for us (has that come from a Disney film?) and I will be the mummy I've always wanted to be. Just hope I'm not too late to have done some serious mental scarring-she went 4 last week-do you think she will be ok? Thank you all for your tips too-I've never heard of rescue remedy or parent line! There was a lady when I was out shopping yesterday and she had a little girl with her dd's age, and she was SCREAMING at her, and the girl was absolutely inconsolable, so the mum just kept grabbing her and smacking at her and screaming and swearing at her and then reapeating the process and it made me realise how much I want to be so much better (I was at that stage internally but not externally) and desperately wanted to just give the lady and the girl a cuddle and tell them it was ok, but was scared she would hit me! Thank you all again xxx

EllieG · 16/03/2008 10:51

Many (((((hugs))))) to you. I repeat though - don't beat yourself up if you slip back. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. You can only do your best and muddle through. And everyone has crap days, they are not the end of the world. When I've been particularly rubbish I take comfort in the fact that the next day I can try again...and again....and again! We all make hundreds of mistakes, so don't expect not to, you're only human x

Boco · 16/03/2008 10:59

I agree with Ellie. Make sure that you're kind to yourself, - everyone has bad days when they snap or have no patience or are irritable or sad, even if everything else in their lives are fine - you must go slowly and take it a day at a time, make small changes and really concentrate on all the positives.

It is very brave you know, to be open about how you feel, it's not easy and you did it because you want things to be better, it takes courage to admit when things have got out of control.

Hope you can get some good counseling and support. Take care.

anniebear · 16/03/2008 11:08

Fantastic

EasterBunnylicious · 16/03/2008 11:20

Rescue Remedy You can get it in Boots, Chemists, Supermarkets. It's great, for immediate relief you can drop a few drops under your tongue, or for general periods of stress stick a few drops in a bottle of water and sip throughout the day.

lucyellensmum · 16/03/2008 11:39

You say in your last post that you are going to be the best mummy. The thing is, you already ARE the best mummy The fact that you were brave enough to post here proves that. Just remember, our children were sent to try us What i mean is, she will have her moments, of cheekiness, naughtiness etc etc, there would be something wrong if she didn't. And you will feel cross with her, it will get you down, there are times when i can't wait to put my two year old to bed and i love her to distraction. Its natural and part of being a mummy, so when you feel like that it doesnt mean there is anything wrong. It is natural to get pissed off, mummies are Superhuman, but human nevertheless .

I think you highlighted things really well when you said about the woman screaming at her child. The sad thing is that she, and many other mums, carry on like this all the time and if you were to ask them, they would genuinely think this was OK and continue to do it. You see it all the time. But you said it yourself, you have felt like doing it (we all have, if we are honest) but you haven't done it - That just shows you are more together and a better mummy than you think and you should be proud of yourself.

Be kind to yourself and remember that your doctor or health visitor are there to help, and then of course, there is mumsnet

miku · 16/03/2008 12:15

Am streaming tears at this thread!!!
I am so glad that you have turned a corner, and I am using parentline for similar reasons to you....they are so good for having someone to back up the POSITIVE you, I have rung them as I felt an uncontrollable rage towards my DD for not getting dressed-it diffused the situation completely.
I wish you lots of love and strength, and hope you can release all that pent up hurt about your ex, and the passing of your mother.
I so feel for you, and as all the MNs have written you are really not alone.
You are the best mummy and you do love your DD, more than you knowxxxxxxxxx

Feelingbetterslowly · 16/03/2008 12:16

Thank you all again-am off to Boots now before dd gets back. Lucyellensmum-you are so wonderful at expressing yourself-you should do a "How to cope with being a parent" book-it would rival any parenting book out there! And to Boco and EllieG and everyone else that has stuck with me through this really thank you, thank you thank you thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx

lucyellensmum · 16/03/2008 12:47

Thanks for your kind comment, although i think i would have to learn to cope myself before i could even contemplate that .

EasterBunnylicious · 16/03/2008 13:33

Feelingbetter, do you have a children's centre near you? My local centre (used to be surestart) has a relate counsellor available free to mothers. I have started seeing my local one and it is doing me the world of good. Might be worth you checking out.

Buda · 16/03/2008 13:41

Well done you. Your self awareness and insight will stand you in good stead. Am really pleased for you that your doc was so good.

I suspect you are very angry about your mum dying - that is a natural part of the grieving process and you are taking it out on your DD. And as others have said maybe there are other issues relating to how you see yourself etc. Counselling would probably really help you if you can get it.

Enjoy a lovely afternoon with your DD.

And don't beat yourself up if it's not perfect! Nothing ever is!

EllieG · 16/03/2008 17:12

Hope your afternoon is going well feelingbetter and that you are taking it one step at a time x

bb99 · 16/03/2008 22:11

FBS so glad you are feeling better!

Agree with Ellie - take each day as it comes and if you have a rocky one it doesn't mean you're not a lovely mummy, just that you've had a rough day!

Every day a new beginning, every hour a new start, every minute another chance.

Hope you have had a good day

imblet · 17/03/2008 10:05

Hi Feeling better. I have been thinking of you since your last post. Let us know how you are today.

EmilyBronte · 17/03/2008 16:39

Have just come across this. Read the first page and was feeling so sad for you and thinking what to say, then jumped to final page and wow! It was wonderful, like a really happy film. Now I've read the rest I have to echo the others - you have done such a brave thing and now you can start moving forward. You have had so much to deal with, you must be a strong and amazing woman, especially when I read that you would squeeze your daughter's clothes tightly to stop yourself from hurting her. That takes a lot of the right kind of self control! I think you're amazing.

EllieG · 18/03/2008 09:22

Hope things are OK feelingbetter x