I don’t want to be here anymore

[SoLostInMyLife]

I feel so lost. I hate my life. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing is helping

Just checking in to see how you are op?

I think I explained down thread that I had experience of someone close to me committing suicide and I just wanted to tell you that the reaction from everyone was extraordinary; they hadn’t realised how much they were loved and valued by the people they came in to contact with every day, never mind the people who loved them. So many people said “if I had known they were feeling that low, I would have reached out to them, but I had no idea”.
I wish they had known that.

So please know that you are appreciated and your existence is important.

Rather contradictorily to my first paragraph, I also wanted to say … and I hope this doesn’t sound cruel or unkind because that’s the opposite of my intention… but I think ultimately, we can only help ourselves. We may need help through medication and therapy but ultimately it’s down to us. And I think life gets easier once we ultimately grasp this.

I am only saying this because I used to look outward for answers when the solution often lies within. We do have the strength but it often takes repeated attempts to get there. Please don’t give up. 🪻🌺🌻

PS (on reading your update) the only people who are really not nice to
be around are the people who have no insight at all in to the fact that they are not nice to be around! 😊

To be honest we've all messed up. It's a fact of life. It's messy.
You'd be amazed how many other people feel like this. You're being far far harder on yourself than you would ever be to others. I totally get it, as I'm far harder on myself than others too. I'm positively punitive to myself, but would go much easier on everyone else.
Re self-pity - totally natural when you're in crisis. Besides which, you're clearly very conscientious about those around you. A couple of weeks ago I was totally self-absorbed. I knew it, but honestly couldn't help it. You're licking your wounds, because you're hurting, it's a survival mechanism. Depression and anxiety are introspective illnesses; that's their nature. Please please try to be kinder to yourself. You're hurting terribly. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it. Honestly truly you won't feel like this forever. Keep going x

Taking a step forward and contemplating either EMDR or hypnotherapy. I can’t tolerate my negative mind no more. Anyone experience on either?

I haven't got personal experience of either, although I know that EMDR is evidence based and meant to be a good option for PTSD. It's brilliant that you are thinking ahead to what might help.

I'm so happy to hear this 💪🏻
Keep going till you find the right thing
We're right beside you

Hi OP,

I am not sure what has lead you to feel like this but I just wanted to say you are not alone in these feelings. I am also a mum to 4, a set of bad circumstances in the last three months has lead to me feeling the exact same, daily I have wanted to take my own life, sometimes several times daily as I just can't find a solution to my problems. I got very close at the weekend but the thought of messing up my children stops me. There is not any way I have thought of ending this misery without it directly effecting them and so I have to carry on. No matter how rubbish things are and my stress of not being able to provide and give them the life they deserve etc I think at least I am here with them, if I was to take myself away their lives would be even worse.

You have to think these feelings are temporary, be that a few hours to a few days, months or even years, but one day you will look back and realise I am so glad I didn't go through with it.

I have felt like this before a few years ago also when going through a very big stress in my life and I know that is how I felt when I came out the other side.

I am here if you wanted to talk about your problems, what it is that is making you feel so low. Xx

I continually wallow in self pity and let my negativity take over

I'm prone to this too OP. I had therapy and they made me realise I am very bad at having 'automatic negative thoughts' or 'ANTS'.

I used to think in the below ways. However my therapist helped me do worksheets so I used to write down my thought, recognise which of the below it was and choose to think a different way.

Also try the '3 things a day' rule. When you are so low, everything feels like a mission. You can't conquer everything at once so just focus on 3 things a day. When I was at my worst after a mental breakdown my 3 things for example would be 1. Wash my hair, 2. Eat breakfast 3. Open all the blinds.
Then they progressed to be bigger things

@confusedanonn i hope ur ok. How did u get through it last time? Life is such a struggle sometimes, it can be so shit. My problem is that I can’t deal with stress, I let it eat me alive. I wish i could cope better with it and realise the good things in life. I read ur other posts where u had said u were struggling with your son and ex. How is everything now? I also have a nasty b@stard of an ex who treats me similar. But I also now have a loving partner who unfortunately gets the worse of my moods which isn’t fair.

@autumnpumpkinlattes love your name.

Thank you I will certainly try this. Baby steps. I feel like every week I try and it’s rinse and repeat though. Same negative thoughts, same panic about my future. Wanting everything to hurry up and fall into place, but I’m causing mayhem in my life and that’s why it’s not. It’s very frustrating but I’m the who has the control to make it happen but I’m not letting it, maybe sometimes I don’t think I deserve a good life, I don’t know.

@autumnpumpkinlattes what kind of therapy did you have? Never heard of that ‘ANTS’ before, will look into it. I would like to try hypnosis or EMDR. It’s knowing which would be best. I can’t afford it but I will get the money somehow if it helps me. It’s just knowing which would be most beneficial

Thank you @Tilllly

Feeling slightly more hopeful this evening. Like I said in previous post, it’s rinse and repeat though. Same most weeks. Up and down down down. I just wish my mood/life to be on an even keel. Has to be bloody doable

@SoLostInMyLife we sound like we are in similar situations, I also have a partner who I push away and have been awful to, I actually asked him to leave last week when I actually thought I was going to go through with something as I didn't want him in the house, I had planned it all out. Luckily he took no notice and came back from work as normal and we chatted and I actually admitted how bad I was feeling and how far I felt willing to go. I think that helped, I feel about 25% better after talking about my worries to him.

Like you I just seem to overthink when I am stressed, I haven't been sleeping well and can't seem to focus on anything everything is constantly playing round and round in my head, I just become distant and withdrawn, snappy with partner and the kids, it just makes me hate myself more as I hate being this person but I feel like I can't feel happiness. How does your present?

I had time off work when everything went bad, I went back last week and that's actually really helped me, I haven't told anyone why I was really off apart from one person but they have all been supportive and it's nice to just distract myself.

Last time was the break up with ex, not the actual break up per say but the lies, manipulation and abuse by him and OW after, it was awful tbh. What helped? A lot of exercise, I ran and ran (and I hate running) but my main turning point was when we into lockdown. It gave me a break from everything, having to see them etc (she was a mum from school they were turning up to pick up her kids together) gave me time to reset, spend time with the kids and heal, my brother and his gf also took me on holiday and then we went into a new year and I just mentally said it was a new year and fresh start and I found myself getting into the swing of things. I was single happy, seeing friends, even starting dating and then met my now partner 7 months later.

Just as everything can go downhill so quickly it can turn back around to being good again.

Things are still not good with ex and son but I am trying to take the little positives. Still up and down. Son text to say he missed me this morning which I read as I got to work so that started my day off well.

I am just trying to take one day at a time and not think too far ahead and think negatively. Also giving myself little rewards - hot bubble bath, little chocolate bar, pampering myself at home, cleaning to take my mind off it and writing lists and working my way through of stuff to keep me busy.

Hopefully you can find something to help you too. Make sure you talk, no matter how embarrassed you are try and be open, it really does help. No one will judge you, people care about you and would be horrified to find you are feeling so low. Focus on those babies, go and do something impromptu with them, make memories, spontaneous park trip, watching a film etc.

As for the ex I can't really advise, after being unfazed for so long this has thrown me back into the angry camp, luckily for him he avoids me because I honestly don't know what I would of done at the height of all this (well I wouldn't actually but believe me I've wanted to key the car, hit him etc in anger even if I would never act on it he just gives me a rage as just feel he is taking the complete mick out of me!) some people are just vile with no morals, it's not a reflection on us, I just feel upset like what have I done to deserve it but I know the reason, it's his own anger at himself directed at me because he knows he's messed his life up and isn't happy (he has told me this before, that he has to hate me when with her - said when they have been broken up) just frustrates me. It's not fair on the kids.

What's been going on with your ex? Xx

I'm so pleased to read this. Funnily enough, I've been recommended EMDR, as trauma triggered my crisis. I don't know where to go, but looking into it.
I so hope it goes well for you.

As you can see by the time I'm posting, I'm not having a brilliant night, sleep-wise. Recovery can be up and down, as I slept brilliantly a few nights ago. So, if you find your recovery doesn't follow a clear pattern, please don't panic!

It's so encouraging to read that you're heading in the right direction now. Very encouraging for me, a fellow sufferer, too. So, you see, you're already helping others - your life has huge purpose 😊

@Ruminate2much lack of sleep is a killer. Makes everything worse doesn’t it. Thank you, glad I’ve have given you hope, but this is the thing, this is the way it goes, everything will be good and I have so many plans then boom, something doesn’t go right and I go to pieces. I can’t regulate my emotions. Ups are ups and downs are very down. Like I say all I ask is to be on a even keel. It breaks my heart that I’m wasting years of my life being like this. I know and see people who have very little in life and that are immensely happy and content.

Thank you. Yes, lack of sleep... I'm so tired today 😔
Re emotional regulation - I don't find it easy either. I sometimes massively overreact to things. My thinking can be very distorted. It feels like I can't help it though. I think we're probably extremely sensitive people, and not able to brush things off easily. I feel like I need time out of busy life sometimes, so I can settle my mind a bit. You take care and don't put yourself under any pressure. You're doing brilliantly. Even reaching out on here is a great thing x

How are you doing today OP?

So so.

I feel sometimes like there is no help out there unless you have lots of ££££££ which I don’t. Have paid privately before a few times but my scenario at present means I can’t.

how are u?

I had CBT. It's all around changing your thinking patterns and helped me so so much to change my negative thinking.

It involves you basically documenting your thoughts e.g. I'm crap at my job. Rating how it makes you feel e.g. self conscious, sad. Then support to challenge these thoughts e.g. where's the evidence for this? Have I been in trouble? No. There is no actual proof that anybody at work thinks I am crap at my job. And finally to think of different ways of changing that thought e.g. I'm not crap at my job I just have found this week difficult because I've had a lot on my plate. I am only human and trying my best.

That's probably a rubbish example but hopefully you get the idea. You keep documenting and eventually you start to just think in a more positive way.

The good thing about CBT is you can find lots of free workbooks and resources online so whilst it is better to do it with a therapist anybody can do it on their own.

This is an example of what it may look like:

What I've also learned with CBT is our brains are arseholes!! They tell us awful stuff all the time. But just because your brain thinks it does not make it true.

So so as well. Very up and down. An uphill struggle, but we'll get there x

How are you doing?

I can't believe I've just survived 6 weeks, 4 days from that moment I didn't think I'd make it through.

I take 200mg sertraline daily plus 50mg quertapine at night I also have diazepam and sleeping tablets for the harder days.

I'm on the list for therapy but I really just need to learn coping strategies.

I was very lucky that as a single female (late 30s) that a close relative made the decisions for me to stay with them so I could be looked after, so made me dinner and took all responsibility of me. They also attended medical appointments with me in case I wasn't able to facilitate or in case I masked the issues and also was able to explain what had been said after the meetings in case I heard what I wanted to hear instead of what had been discussed.

I am now feeling more stable (not better) and I have reached out to friends who have all been supportive which I knew but doubted in the darkness and am now home trying to look forward.

I know I'm not better by a long stretch I know I need medication to support me but I also need strategies and therapy and to be kind to myself.

I hope you're being kind to yourself xx

OP, I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Please don’t give up, your children need you.

I am sorry if this suggestion sounds silly but have you had blood tests to check your thyroid? It has a massive impact on us and since antidepressants haven’t worked perhaps that’s not the issue. Also how old are you? The peri menopause can also affect us in ways we don’t know.

good luck op. I’m willing you to find a solution!