I don’t want to be here anymore

[SoLostInMyLife]

I feel so lost. I hate my life. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing is helping

@SoLostInMyLife ocht I'm in Scotland. I don't have much family but I've found so much support on this from genuine folk who really want to help. Pm anyone and they will be there x

https://actionforhappiness.org/

Rupert Spira videos on YouTube.

Recovery is possible, I promise. Hang in here. Remember we need you and you still have important work to do here.

Do you live with other people or on your own?

Unfortunately I don’t think recovery is possible. It’s reoccurring too often. When I feel a slight improvement then down it all goes again. This chitter chatter in my mind never goes away. Constant negativity. I don’t want to be like this. But I am and I always will be. I know I’m being defeatist. I just don’t see any other solution.

i live with my 4 children. I love them unmeasurablely. Though deep down I know they would have a better life without me in it.

It's really positive you have posted here. Is there anyone at home with you now you can talk to? Or a friend you can call?

Hi SoLostInMyLife,

We're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed which can give you some support, so please click on the link.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're not sure if you've heard of a charity called Aware NI, but it was established to support people with depression in your area and there are support groups in Belfast, Derry and many rural locations. Please take a look at the link.

We really hope you're okay.

You're not irrelevant- you're irreplaceable
Absolutely irreplaceable

Today, I just want you to have a soak in the bath before bed. Indulge yourself

Tomorrow, look at the links Lily has posted and go to one of them. Just one

And keep talking to us. You matter

Not Lily
Dawn!

Honestly OP, I have a brain like a sieve x

@TheBuggerlugs i can’t though. They would take my children off me.

They won't take your children off you. I had a mental health crisis a few months ago, had to stay in a crisis house etc i'm a single parent they had no concerns about the children. I know the crisis team get have bad reputation but I found them helpful.

i live with my 4 children. I love them unmeasurablely. Though deep down I know they would have a better life without me in it

Op that’s your depression speaking. It’s colouring your view of things. As someone who has experienced suicide within my close family; I can assure you that your dc will definitely not be better off without you.

Sorry to be blunt but they will forever wonder “why were we not sufficiently loveable for her to stay?” I don’t want to add to the weight you are already feeling but you surely you can understand the untold damage that suicide does within a family that lasts for decades and decades.

I don’t know whether your depression is caused by a mh issue, or your domestic situation, but I am really sorry you are being so poorly supported. You have to battle for help when you are feeling wholly depleted.

Please hang in there. Your dc need you. Please know that things can change. Your brain has a huge degree of plasticity within it. Life never stays the same for long.

Have a look at Therapy in a Nutshell on You

Tube. Science backed psychotherapy explained in small chunks. It’s very helpful.

As others have already said, you are not irrelevant. In fact, you are completely irreplaceable to every one of your four children.

Is there a GP at your surgery you feel you get on ok with? Or one that you haven't seen before? I don't think that you should be trying to cope with this on your own.

OP please hang in there, your children need you. You are certainly not a burden, it's clear you care deeply about them which shows what a loving person you are.

FWIW my mother has depression, she has struggled through my childhood and I am so glad she kept on going even when it felt impossible.
Your children love you more than anything in this world, i promise you that.

I completely get not being able to concentrate enough to read self help books. Could you maybe try one in podcast form?

I desperately want to get through this. I do. But it seems impossible. I tried anti depressant and they didn’t work. I just don’t know what else to do anymore. I’m mentally exhausted and that is an understatement. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone and I would be doing everyone a favour. I don’t see a light.
I just wanted something to help. There’s nothing

The fact that you have experienced depression for periods throughout your life tells me that you are much more resilient than you give yourself credit for.

What kind of things did you enjoy before you felt this low?

Thank you but i don’t feel resilient. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread morning noon and night. I have too much going on and i can’t imagine it getting any better. I feel like such a burden, I know I am.

I have tried podcasts too. I still can not fully give my attention to them. My head goes all over the place. Like I say, it never stops. I just want peace

7 weeks ago I began adepressiberperiod ifim honest Ihadnt bounced back from the last, and I hadn't come back from the one before.

I feel there are 20 messages piled one on top of the other and somewhere underneath it all is me. Like so many jumpers and I just want to get to my t-shirt through the layers.

6 weeks ago I told 2 people I wanted to take my life. I had a plan but didn't want to pass my pain onto others

5 weeks ago I attempted twice.

That same day I spoke to 101 and I got a meeting with the crisis team that day and if it wasn't for that crisis nurse o wouldn't be here. When I was told I didn't fit the criteria for support she asked me to come in for a risk review and this got it all started up.

4 weeks ago I started with home first with daily visits a general check up, new meds and a trip to the psychiatrist.

I have now moved to long term support as I have severe and enduring issues (basically unresolved trauma!)

This week I've been overly triggered and anxious, leading to yesterday where I self harmed and lay in bed sobbing.

Where as I was an 11 the other week and in fact life took it out of my hands to commit, I'm now a 7, the other day I got down to a 4. I feel a burden and a drain. My friends have been checking in and I hate it but I know I would do the same for them.

So I don't know what the future holds, but I'll stand with you in this uncertainty

Oh and I'm on the waiting list for support - 3 months so in limbo land.

What medication did you try and for how long?

@Iguessyourestuckwithme sorry u are feeling like this too. What triggered you this week? Is the crisis nurse available to speak to you?

@Caro678 sertraline, citalopram, fluxotine, Venlafaxine