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Mental health

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Original poster

My life is over.

42 replies

JeanSheila · 27/08/2023 00:17

My dear Mum has died this week. I feel so alone. I have not a single friend. My partner is 14 years older than me and is currently ill. My only child is 18 and about to leave home.

I can see my future and it's one of loneliness and sadness. I want to join my mum. I can't bear the thought of it all.

OP posts:

CFSKate · 27/08/2023 00:21

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Although it doesn't seem like it now, there are other possible futures.

Dotcheck · 27/08/2023 00:25

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your daughter is about to go to uni, but she’s going to need you for a long, long time.

Moonbelly · 27/08/2023 00:28

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe try Samaritans to Ishtar and then reach out to a GP after the bank holiday. Grief can be overwhelming, I was suddenly widowed this year in my thirties with two small children. But your child still needs you, just as you need your mum. And you are never ever too old to make changes in your life for the better. Please reach out.

kayya · 27/08/2023 00:28

You will be grieving right now and it's the sorest pain in this world. It will take alot of time before it feels more manageable to cope with. You don't want your daughter to feel the same as you, you have to be here you have a purpose in this life, please know your never alone, although it may feel like it. Sending you strength and hugs. I'm always here if you need to chat, I lost a parent 9 years ago. I promise you, you will learn to smile when you think of her with all your memories 1 day x

ohfourfoxache · 27/08/2023 00:28

I’m so sorry you’re going through such an awful time. I’m sorry about your mum 💐

Your child will need you for a long time to come still, going to uni is just another step x

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 27/08/2023 00:33

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum & I can understand how much you are hurting & how awful you feel.
But please don't even think about the unthinkable - as it will affect your daughter for the rest of her life.

I know things do feel bleak at the moment but it will not feel like this forever. You will start to feel better & life will change.
You probably may be thinking how can a random stranger on the net say/promise that?
I can say that because nearly all of us have & unfortunately will be in a very dark place at times but we most of us are lucky to be able to hold on & come through it.

I don't know what else to say at the moment except that it's good that you've posted on here as it means there's still a bit of hope/optimism in you that does know that things will improve & that you will be able to live with your Mum's loss.

Keep posting even if you think you are rambling as there's a lot of very wise MNetters on here who can listen & help.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 27/08/2023 00:35

Bless you, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mum.
It’s extremely tough when our children break the tie that binds us and set out on their own and you have the added sadness of your mother’s loss.
Your partner is ill on top of this which is an additional burden; your stress level must be through the roof. Additionally you find yourself without the support of friends. No wonder you feel out of control, alone and sad.

I don’t think anything prepares us for the death of our parent, it is the most awful wrench. Time and some support from your friends here is what you need. Have you thought about getting involved with a hobby which might enlarge your friendship group? If there is no one for you to talk to then ring The Samaritans :- https://www.samaritans.org/

life isn’t always easy but there are frequent rays of sunshine which make it all worth while. X

Homepage

Samaritans works to make sure there’s always someone there for anyone who needs someone. Read more.

https://www.samaritans.org/

Topee · 27/08/2023 00:42

I’m sorry for you loss, losing a much loved parent is so hard. Please seek some bereavement counselling to help you.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 27/08/2023 00:48

You are grieving right now, be kind to yourself x I’m sure you won’t want your child to feel how you’re feeling now.

you need to give yourself some time to grieve and come to terms with your loss but one day you will feel stronger and can think about hobbies, groups, activity etc that may enhance your life x

big hugs

Panjandrum123 · 27/08/2023 00:56

I’m sorry you’re suffering because of the loss of your mother. You were cared for and cared deeply about your mother. I hope you had a good life together, the grief now washing over you is testament to that. But you owe this to your daughter too. Yes she’s moving into the next phase of her life but she will still need you. If she chooses to be a mother herself, there may be grandchildren who will need you. If children is not in her path she will still need you because you are her mother. Can you find some time for yourself to do something In remembrance of your mother? Your life is not over, it is irrevocably different but you are still needed in this life.
💐

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/08/2023 01:07

I am so sorry for your pain and grief. You have a lot to deal with but you are not alone and these feelings will ease. Your DH and child still need you. In time I hope you will get comfort from memories of your mother.
I have recently moved to another city and joined a couple of local fb groups. There are lots of women who are feeling lonely and lacking direction due to major life changes - children leaving home, divorce, widowhood, death of parents, retirement.

Ndd135632 · 27/08/2023 01:09

OP your child needs their mum. It is normal to feel down when a parent dies. Do you want to talk some more about what is going on?

MStarG · 27/08/2023 01:09

Losing your mum is a massive thing to deal with. You are still a mother though and your child might be leaving home but it doesn't mean they don't still need you. One day they might have their own children and think of the joy you could make to their lives and even if they don't have their own family, think how much your mum has meant to you, that's what you are to your own child. Having an ill partner must be so hard but they're still here and you can still bring so much to each others lives.
Life will be different going forward but it doesn't have to be lonely, you have at least 2 people and probably many more who you love and who love you. You're needed even if it isn't in the obvious way it was previously.

Wishitsnows · 27/08/2023 01:09

You are going to be ok x

wineschmine · 27/08/2023 01:10

I'm so very sorry xxx

wayyour · 27/08/2023 01:11

I'm so sorry for your loss @JeanSheila

I would second Samaritans if you need someone to talk to right now. And your daughter needs you of course.

Silentmama2 · 27/08/2023 01:27

You know how you need your mum - your DD feels like that about you. (She may not act like it when she is 18.. but trust me .. she needs you). There is so much potential for you- but grief is blinding you to seeing it.

Take care xx

MeerkatsRule · 27/08/2023 01:40

I’m sorry for you loss.
I agree, your daughter needs you. Think of it this way - if you rewind your mind back to when you yourself were 18, think how much you have needed and wanted your mum since then. Your daughter will love you as much as you love your mum. Carry on for her. Things are hard right now, but they won’t always be. 💐

comeondover · 27/08/2023 01:55

I'm so sorry to read this, @JeanSheila It's such an enormous thing to lose a parent.

And I want to say this kindly and firmly: it's your mother who has gone, and not you. You are not her, you are you. The loss of her is devastating for you. But I'm sure that the last thing she would want would be for you to go before your time. Same goes for your partner and your child. They'd be devastated to lose you.

Please keep going. Your perception of your future is not an immutable prophesy - there's lots of scope for it to be much better than you imagine, I promise. Your grief is colouring how you feel about your whole life, or to put it another way, you're seeing through grief-tinted spectacles.

When I think about my own major bereavements, I now see them as turning points. Life did change, but it did continue. And many good things have come since.

Happycolas · 27/08/2023 02:02

If you want a chat, please DM me at any time.
I am so sorry for your loss.

StrawberriesSW1 · 27/08/2023 02:06

You have so many beautiful memories to treasure and enjoy. You'll want you to find new hobbies and enjoy life. My mum passed away when I was 6yrs old. No one can replace a mother. You have so much to be thankful for. Enjoy it.

Original poster

JeanSheila · 27/08/2023 08:53

She was the centre of my very small family. I don't know how to continue although I know I must for my child's sake (I have a son not a daughter). I try to imagine being a nanny like my dear Mum. Her grandson brought her so much joy. I feel guilty for not having had more children.

I phoned her every day. We'd meet up twice a week. Always spent birthday, Easter etc together.

She had deteriorated over the last few years. Her memory was not good, she would forget words etc. I know she was lonely following my dad's death even though they were divorced. She stopped going out on her own.

I'm rambling.... sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

JeanSheila · 27/08/2023 09:15

Ndd135632 · 27/08/2023 01:09

OP your child needs their mum. It is normal to feel down when a parent dies. Do you want to talk some more about what is going on?

Sounds stupid but I somehow thought she'd always be here. I can't understand why she's not here now.

OP posts:

SoIinvictus · 27/08/2023 09:18

Oh bless you.
It's wonderful that you were so close to your mum and have amazing memories.
You will be OK. Your mum showed you how to be an amazing mum and that's what your son has grown up with.
Over on the higher ed board (and on WIWIKAU on Facebook if you use it) there are lots of parents whose kids are going off to uni for the first time who are feeling lost at the thought. You'll find lots of people who understand how you're feeling. ❤️

MNHQ

NadineMumsnet · 27/08/2023 11:18

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. The NHS has a guide for those struggling with bereavement which includes contact information for specialist bereavement organisations.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to mental health support. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health

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