I think I might be in crisis

[Otherpeoplemanage]

I go through patches where the suicidal thoughts are almost overwhelming- it usually lasts a couple of days and I fight it and it goes.

ive felt like this since last week and it won’t go. It’s in my mind and my brain all the time and it’s more than ideation.

I just want it to stop.
i have absolutely no one I would / could call - which isn’t helping - and because I work in mental health I won’t speak to my GP (I attend the surgery I am attached to for work) as I’m worried about what that looks like for me professionally.

i texted the stop number in the night but there was no response for ages so I opted back out.

i haven’t told anyone IRL because I don’t want to upset people or be accused of attention seeking. I’m also not 100% certain I want to be stopped.

i do want this to stop though. I’m hoping it together at work and with the kids and then I’m just a mess at any other time. I can’t stop crying and I want it to stop.

Or just leave the job if you need to. You are far far more important.

I give MH support for my team but I seem in a grey area. Everyone above me doesn’t have a caseload and isn’t frontline… I’m sort of in the middle.
my supervision is more an interrogation around what’s going wrong, how long people are waiting. It is not a chance to talk about stuff that is hard and I only have it every 8 weeks anyway.

now I get people from my team call me with their personal and professional stuff and I feel completely on my own.

but again, other people manage.
Thank you for your support. I am just doing one day at a time, periodically it’s almost overwhelming. I spent Saturday evening in the woods on my own until about midnight. Said I was seeing a friend.
I can’t speak to my GP. I just can’t. I would never be able to look at them again. I present as very together at work. I don’t think anyone would know. I have told my manager that I cannot cope with this workload and that I am working the weekend etc but because I say it very pleasantly (because I’m a mug) I don’t think anyone takes me very seriously. This is my fault for having poor boundaries around it.

I think it’s because I feel worthless and like it’s my fault

What if you're wrong?

What is it's the system's fault, the health authority's fault and the Government's fault?

(Because even a cursory glance at the facts prove it is).

So you are an overburdened, under appreciated, badly paid, drowning in admin key worker in a machine that's broken. Is any of that your fault? No - of course it isn't.

Let that absolute truth wash over you. It's not your fault. The system is broken and it's nothing to do with what you can do or not do. It's absolutely not your fault.

What you can do is save yourself, because the alternative can only bring devastation to the people around you. The alternative is that you stop your job, not your life (you are not defined by your job) and take whatever rest and help you need to recover.

I care about you, many other people on here care about you - more than you can currently comprehend. Reach out to any of us for the handhold you need to keep you from the edge.

Please.

Please stay strong. Please.

If you don't do it nothing happens
Someone else will do it eventually. Any job is just a job no matter what you and your kids come first. And you need to report your organisation because that's not cool. Ask bcap or bps for support.

Leave! Just leave work. They will find someone else. There are many other people who can do your job or be trained up to do it.

There's no one else who can be your children's mother.

You are ill and there IS another way to make it stop. Hand your notice in then just don't go back in. Then it all stops

Everybody is entitled to a GP who they can be completely open with in complete confidence. If you can't be open because you know them, you need a GP you don't personally know. Request a GP you don't know, or change practices. Or present at A&E.

You are planning to literally die of embarrassment, please think hard about how your children will feel about this.

@Otherpeoplemanage please please do something regarding your work. You need to breathe.

I can emphasis OP.

I work in a public sector role, I have a case load of complex cases and have to answer to clients, other professionals etc. It is draining and overwhelming.

I applied for a new role and soon, I will be leaving to work in a less stressful role. You have lots of experience and there are less stressful roles out there, don’t be scared and go and apply.

No job is worth this impact on your mental health.

Leave the job. Just quit.

Better your colleagues think poorly of you than your children are left without a mother.

OP I have been where you are.

All consuming job, huge amounts of pressure and responsibility but little autonomy. It sucked every bit of happiness out of me and ground me down to nothing. It nearly killed me.

I had to leave. And do you know what? Work replaced me and the world didn't end. It's so so hard to see the way out when you're in the middle of it, it seems impossible, but it really isn't.

There is so much amazing world and life and you have a family who adore you, just leave work and get help.

I'm still here. We all want to listen. You love your son, he'd be devastated to be without you. You matter. You are important. Your job isn't. Oh and there are lots of NHS jobs in your field and you'd be protected with proper supervision and proper rights. But that's for later.
For now, it's about staying here. Now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not here yet. Please come back and let us know what you need.

Your user name @Otherpeoplemanage is wrong. Other people don't "manage" - they ask for help. You have decided that there's something wrong with you because you can't cope with an intolerable burden. The only thing that's wrong is that you're not allowing others to see how deeply in trouble you really are.

You know how the conversation goes "if only she'd told us" "we had no idea she was suffering" "I feel so bad for not noticing" "why didn't she say something?"

Don't be that cliche.

I’m sat on an empty car park trying to make myself go to my first appointment.
i have six appointments today and I don’t want to do any of them.
We had a team meeting yesterday and I wonder if they want rid of me anyway as the other leads in my position have had their caseloads reduced. Mine remains the same.
unfortunately it’s impacting my sleep which I think is in turn making me feel worse. I don’t know how I can support people with their mental health concerns when I feel as bad as I do now, but I don’t feel there’s any choice.
Everything feels very disconnected, there’s no one I can call because I wouldn’t put this on anyone IRL.
I don’t want to do today, I don’t want to do any of it, I just keep crying and I want it to stop.

It will stop if you get signed off from work. That is the first and most important practical step to take. You need to go to your GP. I know you feel you can't but you have nothing to lose. No job is worth feeling like this.

The poster above is right OP.

I signed off work, in a similar role, when someone tied a noose while I was talking to them on the phone and it took a long time for the emergency services to arrive. I was burnt out already and that day was the final straw.

When I spoke to my GP about how I was feeling and the work that I did, she signed me off in a heartbeat and, as she said, its big possible to do that kind of work when you are not feeling emotionally balanced yourself.

I was far from balanced, I was absolutely exhausted, and slept for days when I got signed off and was then able to see clearly again. I worked for a toxic organisation that was never going to support me properly, and I found the confidence to get out.

You have transferable skills OP. It’s an employees market right now. I haven’t been stuck for a work for a second.

Take a breather and get your head right for now. Things will become clearer for you and you will see a future again f 💐

*not possible

Please, please leave this job, go off sick, anything! You are far too important in this world 💕 this job doesn’t matter. I know it’s so hard to see that when you’re in the midst of this but we can all see it. I wish I knew you in real life, I would do anything to help you.
I taught a child this year whose dad took that other option and my goodness, that poor wee soul broke our heart every day. He was so angry, confused and lost. Please get help to get better and be here for your beautiful children ❤️

And by me saying ‘this job doesn’t matter’ I only mean right now it doesn’t. You do such a worthwhile job and I am sure you have made a massive difference to so many people, more than you will ever know…. But the toll is too great for one person and right now you are the most important person here!!! Please take a break, quit, anything…. ❤️

You sound exhausted and brave in fighting this horrible illness. It is too much to carry alone.

The fight does matter. You would be terribly missed by your family- forever. (I am a Samaritan and often talk to those bereaved by suicide. They suffer so much- and long into their lives.)

Please do call the Samaritans - to talk though your own suffering right now and also to offload what work leaves on your shoulders. (Samaritans have good support for the people who listen to you so don't feel you would be burdening them as you have been burdened.)

I wouldn’t put this on anyone IRL

don’t know how I can support people with their mental health concerns

Those people aren't "managing" and are reaching out for help IRL. You are no different. Take a lead from those people.

I know it feels like a huge step but the relief you will feel once you have taken it will be immense. What's stopping you helping yourself?

You sound exhausted I agree with others no job is worth feeling like this, get signed off sick and it sounds like that’s the major part of how you are feeling. My Dad took his own life when I was 21, please don’t think your kids will be ok if you do that and won’t be affected or miss you because that’s not true. I know you want this awful feeling to stop but the first step in that is leaving your job not losing your life.

I am so sorry. I can relate to a lot of this.
You matter for who you are . Not what you do as a job. You are important, loved and cared for. I promise you that.
Please step back from work, your health comes first and you desperately need a break to focus on what's most important, yourself.

X

I am a service user myself, and have known many others both personally and through work as I used to work collecting their views to feed back into the system.

You are that most valuable of MH workers: someone who understands what it is like from personal experience. The complaint I've so often heard is that MH HCP don't know what it is like because they've never been there.

So please do what you would advise a client to do - get the right help, which in this case I would suggest is getting signed off work by your GP for at least 2 weeks. Rest. Post here. We are all thinking of you.

OP, I feel you entirely.

I have had very low points, but they usually go after a few weeks. This has been rumbling on for months. I want it to stop, too.

I went to my GP yesterday to ask for help. He said it was probably because of an auto immune condition I have, and to go back in a few weeks if still no improvement to look at medication.

So, how about we sit together in this dark patch. In silence if we need to, but there for each other. It's 'easier' if you're not on your own and you don't have to justify why you can't put a brave face on - you don't need to smile or be brave or prove anything, you just need to sit with me, and I'll do the same for you x