I think I might be in crisis

[Otherpeoplemanage]

I go through patches where the suicidal thoughts are almost overwhelming- it usually lasts a couple of days and I fight it and it goes.

ive felt like this since last week and it won’t go. It’s in my mind and my brain all the time and it’s more than ideation.

I just want it to stop.
i have absolutely no one I would / could call - which isn’t helping - and because I work in mental health I won’t speak to my GP (I attend the surgery I am attached to for work) as I’m worried about what that looks like for me professionally.

i texted the stop number in the night but there was no response for ages so I opted back out.

i haven’t told anyone IRL because I don’t want to upset people or be accused of attention seeking. I’m also not 100% certain I want to be stopped.

i do want this to stop though. I’m hoping it together at work and with the kids and then I’m just a mess at any other time. I can’t stop crying and I want it to stop.

Op please trust me when I say your kids wouldn’t be better in time. My dad died from suicide and I miss him even more now I’m an adult. He’s missed my kids being born, my wedding, being a grandad. You don’t just get better when this happens to a parent. Please please get some help.

Please get help. You are tired and burnt out. You matter so much to your family and friends - you are irreplaceable.

my brother took his life and left his wife and child. Like a PP said it has been like a bomb going off in our lives. Nothing is the same. My mother became psychotic and has retreated into her own world.

Please don’t do this. Get help. You’re worthy of help and time to recover from this illness. Wishing you all the best xxx

Please go to a&e, your children will never get over losing you. Go to A&E for them. At least try. I know from experience your children’s lives will be ruined. Please PLEASE stop what you’re considering and go to A&E.

I am glad to know that you're still here. I hope you can keep going.

If booking a GP appointment to get signed off feels like too much right now, I wonder if you could just start by telling someone in real life how you are feeling. Is there anyone who could listen in confidence?

I am still here.
My son is on a school residential abroad until today - it seemed like a really bad time to choose, when he was away.

Im going to spend my weekend trying to sort out all my outstanding work, we are switching to a new database and I have to have all 120 of my patients put across onto it. We’ve been given no time allowance for it elsewhere and I have the heaviest caseload by a long long way.
I have got a folder of my own personal legal documents - bank accounts, car paperwork etc - so that is easily found if needed.

I want it to stop and I feel calmer for feeling as though it’s going to.

Hi OP, I’m glad you’re still replying.

If you are really feeling this close to breakpoint, please could I urge you to tell your partner and/or just resign from your job? You could get a temp admin type job with so much less stress- I really do think it’s worth trying even for a few weeks.

@Otherpeoplemanage, you're talking about planning for it to stop, and I'm worried that you are contemplating ending it all, because that seems like the only way to make it stop.

It really really isn't - it's only your conscientiousness that's getting in the way of you just downing tools and saying 'I can't do this any more'. Who are these 'other people' you are comparing yourself to, who 'manage', if you have by far the biggest case load?

Having to spend a precious free summer weekend transferring information between databases, because time hasn't been allowed for it in your work schedule, is a final straw. Please go off sick by Friday, that is an eloquent way of communicating to your managers that your workload is unsustainable.

Please.

Friday being today, of course 🙄

@Otherpeoplemanage Imagine if you came across this thread and realised it was written by one of your patients, or maybe a colleague.

What would you do?

Please stay OP. Your life is precious, and you are precious to your family. No job is worth contemplating ending your life- and I'm not saying that with judgement, I've been there and I know you must be really hurting to be having these thoughts.

As I'm sure you've said to your patients many times, there's no shame in being unwell and getting the help you need ♥️

@Otherpeoplemanage

Please please don't take your life. You ARE worth an indescribable amount in your loved ones lives. You are irreplaceable to them.

Imagine being a fly on the wall when someone tells your DC they will never see you again. You are their world.

I've read the thread and whilst I haven't been in your position with these thoughts, I do understand the work piece and feeling completely overwhelmed. It's hard to offer advice as I'm sure you've been through it all and it's not easy to take time out when you feel the work will pile up. Looking for another job when you feel like this is also incredibly hard.

Your brain is in overdrive. Don't listen to it. No family is ever 'better off' without a loved one.

Hang in there.

I've promised my dd I'd never commit suicide. If the situation changes, then I would discuss it with her. You've got children, you need to be there for them. They didn't ask to be born. Life is hard, unbearable at times but things change. Sounds like you may need to be signed off work for a start.

Please, please don't end your life sweetheart! My beautiful daughter had a very similar story to yours and convinced herself there was no other solution. She ended her life six months ago and the notes she left indicated that she genuinely thought we would soon get over it and be better off without her. Nothing could be further from the truth! The pain, horror, guilt and sadness of losing our beloved girl in this way is immense, and getting worse as time goes on, not better. Our lives are shattered - she was totally indispensable to her loved ones, as are you. There were so many other options to get out of the stressful situation she was in, as there are for you, but she had become very unwell with depression and her brain was lying to her, convincing her this was the only way to end her pain. You know that you too are very unwell. Please, please start talking to someone and get some support. Things can most certainly get better for you with time and the right help, but the lives of your family and friends will be destroyed forever if you end yours. Sending you love and hugs.

You need to get signed off sick. Please.

Thinking of you this evening. Was it wonderful to have DS back?

Come back and talk to us. You're not alone. This is a moment in time that will pass. Don't believe it will be like this forever.
Work is not important.
Tell us about your son. What does he like, what are his hopes and dreams for the future?
He needs you.

@Otherpeoplemanage How are you this morning? Do you want to talk some more? X

You need to stop work immediately. Get your GP to sign you off. You have children. You have to try and go on for them. It’s hard. It’s shit. Day by day, hour by hour. Suicide will always continue to be an option but if you kill yourself life will never be an option again. Knowing that suicide is an option comforts me but I continue to choose life everyday. Once you have children you have to try and choose life for as long as you can. Please talk to your GP. Get help.

I’ve worked most of the weekend.
if I’m not going to be here soon then I need all my notes up to date so someone can take over.
I’ve also sorted the kids’ clothes and rooms and paid off my Klarna account early.
I just feel like I need to be ready.

I’ve another hellish week ahead of me this week, I got into trouble on Friday because one of my team hadn’t done something they should have. They’d told me they had, but I should have double checked. I’m just so pushed for time that I can’t check everything but that is no excuse.
I feel like I’m constantly getting it wrong and I’m not good enough.
I can’t be signed off, I do feel the failings are with me. I’m doing my best but it’s not good enough. I’m just a bit useless.

Thanks for checking in with me. I’m much the same really. It’s mainly fear of getting it wrong and the chaos that would be my funeral that’s stopping me.

It sounds like work is your main trigger. I get it making plans and knowing you can control whether you live or die has a calming effect. However, like you it was the fear of getting it wrong and ending up in a worse place than before that put me off. I also left a job that was too stressful and that is what made me be able to cope. It never leaves me I have to accept that one of my coping mechanisms in life is to soothe myself with thoughts of suicide, it’s not a healthy coping mechanism but it is somewhere my brain always takes me when I am feeling stressed or depressed. However, I still have a choice and so do you. You are choosing to commit suicide and leave your kids because of a stressful job and not feeling good enough. You are their mother and that is good enough for your kids. My children have a zest for life now and are excited about their future me committing suicide will completely derail their future. You need to keep fighting. I don’t understand why suicide is preferable to going off sick from your job? Work is not as important as your life, your kids and your family.

I think it’s because I feel worthless and like it’s my fault.
I want it to stop and it’s the only way I can make it stop. Even if I get signed off it’s only temporary.
It’s not only work, just generally everything seems pointless. If you can only feel the bad stuff and get no happiness, peace or joy from the better stuff then it’s impossible to find a balance.
ive tried the being grateful for things and gratitude list and I know what I should be grateful for but I don’t really feel it.
Every time I am like this I get closer to a place where I think I will do it. I’ve not written letters or notes of passwords for people before. I’ve got a set plan which I won’t share on here, obviously, but I have what I need.
I don’t feel much about it, apart from a sinking inevitability.

You need antidepressants and therapy. I know it feels like there is no hope. I know, I know, please believe me, I know. But there is. There will be a day when you don't feel like this, when you are happy and glad to be alive.

Your brain is broken. The chemicals in your brain are not working. You need medication to fix this and therapy to help you address your feelings of self-worth.

You can get signed off from work. Hundreds of people do it every week. If you kill yourself you won't be there anyway so you might as well get signed off then quit when you're feeling better.

I am thinking of you and I hope you find another way through this pain. Suicide is not the right answer.

Try and move the goal posts. In my suicide loop my plan changed to wait til after my children turned 18 years old. They nearly have, they can drive now and they are both looking into professional careers with 5 years of University. My suicide loop plan has changed again I now am determined to choose life for at least the next 5 years. I’m on medication and a lot of the time I feel some joy. I have accepted my brain is broken and I get help for it. At this point in time my children are thriving and I know if I had left them it would be devastating for them no matter how many times I told myself they would be better off without me I know they would not be. I’m sorry to keep saying this but your children deserve for you to try to live and by reaching out on here you are trying we can all see that. Don’t go to work go to your GP. I can guarantee you 100% any GP even one you work with will not judge you.

Just take it one step at a time.

Go to your GP tomorrow. Getting things sorted at work doesn't matter. You most likely need months off and what needs doing now won't by then.

It doesn't matter that you know your GP's personally. Lots of us have felt like this, most likely some of them at some point. It can happen to anyone. They won't judge.

Your children will never be better off without you. They will be forever devastated.

You need to just think of your next step. Call your gp surgery tomorrow and say you need an urgent appointment due to feeling suicidal (yes, say if out loud if that's what's needed to get an appointment.)

Right now, plan for nothing further than doing that.

You should have supervision for offloading it's not good at all to work in mh without this. Are you doing this for your team and not getting it yourself? Maybe look for other places to work with better processes. Maybe you can be off ill for a few days say another illness that is acceptable, white lie as you do need sick time. Ask for help tell your partner, call again.