I think I might be in crisis

[Otherpeoplemanage]

I go through patches where the suicidal thoughts are almost overwhelming- it usually lasts a couple of days and I fight it and it goes.

ive felt like this since last week and it won’t go. It’s in my mind and my brain all the time and it’s more than ideation.

I just want it to stop.
i have absolutely no one I would / could call - which isn’t helping - and because I work in mental health I won’t speak to my GP (I attend the surgery I am attached to for work) as I’m worried about what that looks like for me professionally.

i texted the stop number in the night but there was no response for ages so I opted back out.

i haven’t told anyone IRL because I don’t want to upset people or be accused of attention seeking. I’m also not 100% certain I want to be stopped.

i do want this to stop though. I’m hoping it together at work and with the kids and then I’m just a mess at any other time. I can’t stop crying and I want it to stop.

I'm so sorry that your feeling like this.
You've mentioned that your a MH professional, (so I'm hoping that this doesn't sound daft to you )
Is there anything going on in life that might have exacerbated you feeling this way? Any additional stressors recently?

I've been struggling a tad too, so really feel for you

Work is too much. I can’t do it.
My waiting list is huge and I’m ‘managing’ a team as well (badly).
i listen to people telling my horrendous stuff all day and there’s no where to offload any of it. Then I have people at me all the time, patients, families, health professionals, my manager - it is relentless and it’s stopping me sleeping.
i have raised this with my manager but ultimately everyone is in the same boat and other people manage.
i have a chronic health condition that also affects my sleep and requires constant management.
My mum isn’t very well.
I just want it to stop.
I’ve been trying really hard to use some of the strategies I use with people I work with and I can usually talk myself down but not so much this week.

I made a pros and cons list and the only thing - if I’m honest - the only thing stopping me right now is overcoming the fear of it and the worry it could go wrong and I’d be left in a worse position.

apart from that - I can see no disadvantage to making this stop. And yes, I know my partner, parents and dc would be sad for a bit but no one is indispensable- theyd be ok.

Ahh, I'm so sorry.
Your juggling a lot- I don't think that it would be seen as unreasonable if you thought about taking time off work (sick leave), use the time to care for yourself (and mum by the sound of it, sorry to hear she's not well too), and take time to think of other avenues you could venture into for work.
What do you think?
I'm struggling too, reasons different to you and it's so hard. I hope things start to improve for you

Sorry I think we cross posted -

Please, please do not.
You know that your mind is not on your side right now, you do need to seek support, tell someone. Do you have a good relationship with your partner?
Your loved ones would be crushed.
Your valued so much more than you think you are.

Thank you.
sorry you are struggling too xx

I did something thick at work as well - nothing that resulted in anything bad but it wasn’t the best decision. That hasn’t helped because my default is to feel stupid and inferior.
I think it might be my tipping point, but it’s been pretty precarious for a long long time.

Oh gosh, the work thing that happened- dont let that chip away at you. I work in healthcare too, everyone makes mistakes! Little ones, and massive ones, it's human, your human.

I think from reading a snippet of what's going on, you've got a huge weight to carry with little support - maybe because your a bit scared to seek it (you said you don't want to tell people, in case you upset them?)

I think you need to press pause on work, take some time away and speak to your partner and maybe GP if you feel able.

Really hoping for better times for you x

You’re ill love ❤️
You need to take some time off work and talk to a therapist. My impression is that it’s very normal for people in work such as yours to attend therapy. Where’s all the horror supposed to go?

You are indispensable. There is only one you and you’re important to all the people in your life. I have no practical advice other than to echo that you need to take time off work and get urgent support. Thank you for posting on here. It suggests you’re ready to look for help.

Don't allow your job to kill you.

If you need to take a leave of absence, or leave altogether, then do it. Don't wait until you get to the point that you feel you don't have any other option - there is help and there are people who would never recover from losing you.

Get signed off sick OP, you really need it and your kids really need you. Do you really not get access to therapy at work to help you cope with everything you have to deal with there? I find that quite shocking.

Anyway you need to see your GP and you need to get signed off sick. I know someone who was high up in the NHS as a nurse and did this and was off for a long time - it didn't affect her career, she went back slowly but later decided the stress wasn't worth it and ended up working in the private sector for less hours and more money.

I would be very surprised if your GP wasn't very understanding of your situation, you're burning out and it's not your fault - get yourself signed off before your kids lose their mum. No career is worth that.

As a widow and the mother of a bereaved child, please believe me when I tell you that your partner and children would absolutely not be alright. They would never be alright again. The pain gets easier to carry with time, yes, but you always carry it and you are changed forever. Your life is always a little bit harder, a little bit worse.

I think you may underestimate the effect it'd have on your children. It would scar them for the rest of their lives, they may pass on their damage to their children and partners and a whole host of domino effect problems affecting all sorts of peoples lives starts and never stops.
You underestimate your worth on this planet.
YOU DO MATTER. HUGELY.
I don't know you but I can tell you that YOU NEED TO LIVE.
Please get signed off and get prescribed medication if you don't take it already.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this OP. I found myself in a similar place about 3 years ago, and put this largely down to my work as a probation officer and the overwhelming work/difficult people I was managing.

When you are struggling with your own problems, I've always found my job dealing with other people's problems and near on impossible. After about a year of struggling through and have all sorts of stress related health problems, I finally accepted that I needed a break from that environment to just be for a while. There is a huge amount of guilt doing that when working with others and knowing colleagues are also stressed. But ultimately, they get on with it and you don't owe them anything. Take the time. Get signed off. Then focus on the next step. It's one thing you can control now.

I've been in your situation, and it was my child who gave me the courage to carry on because the thought of leaving my child without a mother, and the thought of someone having to tell him that mummy isn't coming home, absolutely broke my heart. I could never do that to him. Out of all the people I love, he's the one I carry on for. Can you seek help privately? Have you tried mental health matters? Samaritans? Please reach out to one of them

Is this how you would describe it to one of your patients? That their children would get over it because they're dispensable? If you wouldn't say that to them then don't say it about yourself, you know it isn't true.

Oh love ❤️ I work in mental health too and I’m attached to a GP surgery but not my own. I would hope that if I went to the surgery I’m associated with at work and explained that I’m struggling at the mo, work is getting me down and my usual coping mechanisms are just not working, that they wouldn’t see me as being unprofessional in any way. We’re all trying hard to break the stigma of poor mental health being a bad thing aren’t we? Same goes for you - you have every right and power to go to that GP and say, look I need a bit of help myself actually. Wouldn’t it be lovely if the GP helped you and then 6 mths later felt the courage to come to you to say the same, because you’d shown that it was OK to not be OK?

Anyway, sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. Sending a cuppa and a hug to you.

op, perhaps you could take some holiday or parental leave if you don’t want to give work the real reason.
get yourself a private therapist if you want to keep it off your medical records.
call the Samaritans if you’re struggling to talk to family.
you can overcome this in time 💐

We don’t get any support or proper supervision. We aren’t nhs - we are subcontracted by a charity through the nhs and provide 1:1 mental health support for young people and families.

I get told a lot of horrendous stuff and there’s nowhere for it to go. I was paying privately but at £55 a session I can’t afford it anymore.

it’s not just work but work is my tipping factor I think and my default is that I don’t matter and other people cope. When I’m asked to do even more than what I’m doing now I just think - other people cope. No idea how, but they do.

id not speak to any of the GPs because I know them professionally. It would feel weird and I feel ridiculous moaning to them.

I do think my kids would be ok, in time, although I know it wouldn’t be great.
Part of me just doesn’t care though, I’ve held on in there for a really long time and I can’t keep doing it for other people.

Thank you for your replies. I just want it to stop.

I'm feeling the same. QuIs it possible to quit
your job or get signed off sick?

Please call in sick and take some time for you. If you don’t want to speak to anyone professionally can you try watching some self help YouTube videos, going for a walk listening to a podcast, speaking with a trusted friend or family member. Please do not think this world would be fine without you, your loss would be a tragedy. You need to press pause and find some sanctuary. Please look out for yourself, you matter.

Please speak to someone. It's not uncommon or odd to feel like you do. Phone the samaritans. Go and see your GP and get signed off work. Once you rest a bit, you'll start to feel better. get well soon.

I can’t be signed off.
i would be wary of calling in sick. There’s a pretty dim view taken of it and basically if you aren’t resilient or coping they get rid of you.

I think essentially I feel like there’s nothing I enjoy, nothing to look forward to but I get the flip side of it - I get the worry and the anxiety and the sad without any of the more positive stuff to balance it.

I just want it to stop and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I worked somewhere very similar to you OP, also a charity funded by NHS but we worked with adults.

I totally broke at one point and got signed off sick for two weeks and just slept.

When I was ready I found another job and left . I’m okay now. There was nothing wrong with me, it was the trauma of the job.

You aren’t well and you need time off. Your body and mind are telling you this. You don’t need suicide as a way out, you just need a breather from your situation and a sick note will give you that breather.

Don’t make any decisions about your job yet, just get on the phone to your own GP, be honest and get signed off. Your own GP is the only one in the surgery who will know why you are off, forget anything else.

There is life for you after this job OP, you just can’t see it yet.

Being in a toxic and unsupportive workplace is like being in an abusive relationship. You have to admit to yourself how bad it is before you can get ready to leave, and it’s scary.

And your mind is telling you “I can’t be signed off” because it isn’t working properly right now, best to ignore its advice at present. 😊

I’m telling you that you can get signed off (and I am of sound mind at present) x