I think I might be in crisis

[Otherpeoplemanage]

I go through patches where the suicidal thoughts are almost overwhelming- it usually lasts a couple of days and I fight it and it goes.

ive felt like this since last week and it won’t go. It’s in my mind and my brain all the time and it’s more than ideation.

I just want it to stop.
i have absolutely no one I would / could call - which isn’t helping - and because I work in mental health I won’t speak to my GP (I attend the surgery I am attached to for work) as I’m worried about what that looks like for me professionally.

i texted the stop number in the night but there was no response for ages so I opted back out.

i haven’t told anyone IRL because I don’t want to upset people or be accused of attention seeking. I’m also not 100% certain I want to be stopped.

i do want this to stop though. I’m hoping it together at work and with the kids and then I’m just a mess at any other time. I can’t stop crying and I want it to stop.

The DC wouldnt be OK.
I hear you with the horrendous trauma all day, some of that will be listening to people who have been through losing someone to suicide. It increases the person's risk of suicide themselves hugely in the future. It has huge ripples for them throughout their life.

If you arent happy to speak to a GP can you try the self help dbt website? Or an alternatives to crisis phone line from another area so you are unknown?

The charity are out of order not providing support and supervision that's really poor practice.

It sounds like you need a new job.

If you give yourself a chance and time you will find yourself one day in a moment where you feel safe and content and are pleased you held on.

Oh I’ve been here and it’s the worst of the worst. But they can’t sack you for calling in sick, it’s illegal, and your MH is very protected under employment law these days. You don’t even have to disclose it if you really don’t want to, come down with a very contagious bug and take a few days minimum to get some help. Can you google free counselling services in your area? Some charities provide these free. Call Samaritans? Text SHOUT? PM one of the lovely ladies on this thread? I’m always happy to chat. I have bipolar II and I’m in a professional job (education, not healthcare) and I understand the worry of the stigma of “being like them” instead of like the other professionals. But you’d be amazed how many people like us I’ve met in support groups, including a psychiatrist with her own MH worries!

‘This too shall pass.’ I got told that at 22, close to needing sectioned, and tried to wallop the person giving me the advice 😫😅. I’ve written it down beside my bed and read it every day since. Very few things are unsurvivable. Take it a minute at a time for as long as you need to and just keep breathing.

It sounds like you aren't thinking logically because of the huge weight on your shoulders. That's understandable.

Imagine taking some time out, finding a low stress job when you're feeling better. You say work isn't the only thing wrong, but why should any job rob any child of their parent? Get angry if you have to. Be fierce. Put. Yourself. First.

I understand not finding enjoyment. Put that to one side.

Try to see what a complete waste it would be for you to do something so final, as a solution to something so temporary and in your control as a stressful job.

Please show this thread to your partner. Please x

You absolutely are indispensable to your children. You are their mother and could never be replaced by anyone. If you’re not around anymore there will be a void in your children’s lives forever. It wouldn’t be a case of them being ok after a while; they would go on in life because they’d have to but they’d carry enormous grief with them for the rest of their lives.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and so hope that you are able to tell someone in real life how you’re feeling very soon.

Hello OP :)

Would you consider transferring to a different GP surgery? I think if you explained you worked at your nearest one they might be sympathetic to registering you elsewhere.

I’m assuming you’re not on any medication? I think that would really be worth a try.

This is probably very outing.
Today would be my son's 23rd birthday.
He took his own life almost 3 years ago.
No-one knew anything was wrong. He left a note and it was obvious that he had undiagnosed depression.
It was (and still feels) like a grenade went off in my world and blew it to hell.
Please, please don't become another victim.
You sound so stressed. Your family and friends love you and need you.
Nothing is more important than looking after your self.
Fuck the job, fuck the responsibility.
Take time out.
Think about the bigger picture.
You matter.
Please listen...

Op - please listen for £40 you can see a private GP and get signed off without anyone needing to know.

You have reached burn out you poor love. I work in a similar industry snd you should be getting much more support. Our charity offers from counselling for those that really need it. There must be some where near you that does the same.

You are now officially an empty jug with nothing else to give, so please stop at least for a short while you need to recover.

You know yourself that these feelings are like clouds - they WILL pass if you let them. In a year from now you will look back and be incredulous that it came to this. If you can get through and get some help there is nothing stopping holding your baby grandchildren.

Please call 116 123
We will stay with you

Dear OP, you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. You sound as though you are so burnt out and completely overwhelmed that you can’t see this. You must take time off. You can take a week with no fit note, therefore a bug or something. If you need longer, you can see a GP after a week. Your family loves and needs you.

I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t face rescheduling all the appointments I have. They won’t go anywhere, it’ll just be twice as bad when I go back.
it just seems easier not to go back.
people are demanding of me all the time, messaging, calling, emailing - I’ve got nothing left.
But - other people manage?
Im very tired. I don’t know how to make it better. I hear what everyone is saying and I’m so sorry for the loss of your son *ButtercupCupcakes,’ but I just feel so trapped.
i want it to stop and I don’t know how else to make it stop.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family and your poor son.

Other people don’t matter. We’ve all got different tolerances and react to things differently. Can you talk to anyone in real life? A friend? Family member?

You can make it stop. You can resign with immediate effect and decide your live and that of your children matters more.

I have never done this before but please pm me.

Your life is more important than one job.

You talk about not being able to call in sick, or leave your job. If you follow through with your current thoughts you will be (in effect) doing exactly that but with devastating results for not only your family and friends but for everyone you work with.

Put yourself first, in the knowledge that by doing so you will be helping your patients, your colleagues, your friends, your family. Having you well and happy is the best outcome.

I’m also a HCP - it’s brutal at the mo isn’t it?

I know you said you’re subcontracted from the NHS but is there ANYONE? Do you have PNAs? Access to psychologists at work? My Trust has put this in place since the pandemic as we’ve had so many MH issues among staff.

You are indispensable: I don’t mean to work, screw that, I mean to your family. My BF took her own life last year and it was horrific. She was having a severe MH crisis and just snapped. When she was well, taking her own life would have been the last thing she’d have ever thought of doing.

You need help. Speak to your GP: doesn’t matter that you work with them. Remember there’s confidentiality. You honestly won’t be the first or last.

Sending you huge love x

Please present to A&E. They will help and keep you safe

You are burnt out. It will pass & it will improve. Don't end your life over something that can be fixed.

You just need the chaos and demand to end. That can stop without taking your life.

The minute you take sick leave, it will feel lighter. You need the time to rest and recharge.

I know you feel suicide is an option now & because your brain is too exhausted, you cannot see the other options.

1. Call in sick, you need sick leave
2. Go to a GP, go to one with no connection to the practice if you prefer but go to one
3. I'm sure the doctor will write "flare up of chronic condition" on your sick cert if needed if you are worried about privacy
4. Ring any the crisis helplines
5. Focus on you - you have given enough to others

No job is worth your life.

Family & friends are never the same again after suicide. Something breaks inside them too. They torture themselves over not realising the help their loved one needed, not getting their one time, guilt they couldn't save them, support them,relive every eord, every conversation trying to see if they missed something etc.

It's not a solution that works for anyone & if your brain wasn't so exhausted you would see that clearer. Promise yourself you won't make the decision while you are exhausted. It's not the time to make decisions like that.

Promise yourself, you will try 6 months of alternative options. Sick leave, GP, counselling, medication, new job, no job, whatever it takes. I can guarantee you won't feel as dark and heavy if you do that.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

There's lots of great advice here already, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually also add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

All the very best to you, OP. Please do hang about here and let us know how you're doing. You have the support of lots of people here who have been where you are and come out the other side.

As someone with a family history of suicide, I can tell you with certainty that you are not indispensable. If you kill yourself, your children will never, ever get over it. They will never stop grieving and their lives will never be the same. They will always wonder if it was somehow their fault and if they are doomed to repeat the same pattern.

You need to go to the GP and get signed off work, start antidepressants and talking therapy. Then when you are well enough to go back to work, you find another job. I know it feels like it isn't that simple, but it really is.

I'm so sorry you are going through such hell. I have witnessed it and I know what strength and determination it takes to keep on living when you feel like you do. Good luck.

I understand how you feel but I'm here to tell you that no your children would not be ok. I'm sure you know that already. They would be many times more likely to go on to themselves die by suicide, than if they had not lost a parent this way. But again, you know this already. I know it's hard to remember this right now because you are in the middle of this thought cycle but I'm here to remind you of it. I'm telling you this as someone who lost my brother to suicide. He left his children behind. He left me behind. My mother was sectioned through it and now she's back but really we have lost her too. I can never recover. My own children have lost a large part of me. Yes people are indispensable. You are indispensable.

This job is making you ill and you do not know if other people are managing, some of them will be hiding it as well as you have been. Do not compare yourself to others, plenty of people would not last a week in the job you are doing and it is ok to step away and let the small group of people who seem to be bale to do it, do it. Many of them may be planning how to get out of the job for all you know.

You are not trapped, you can resign from what sounds like an unsustainable job, rest and when you feel well enough find another job.

You are utterly precious to your familly and this is only a job. I a sorry you are going through such a hard time but you need to get out of that job.

How are you doing today @Otherpeoplemanage ?

Thank you for thinking of me.

i am about the same. I have made a list of things I’d need to sort out beforehand because otherwise I’d be worried about leaving everything in a state of chaos. Some personal stuff and some professional.
I just want it to stop.

Please reach out for help. It isn't the solution you think it is. Call 999, tell a friend or family member. You are so precious and totally irreplaceable.

Please see your doctor OP. Or go to A&E if you are in immediate danger. You are completely burnt out and can't see the wood for the trees.
You're not well enough to be working at the moment and that's what sick leave is for