Derealization AGAIN

[HangingOver]

Almost a year to the day since my last episode - I'm heartbroken it's come back. This time it was triggered by missing about a week of my contraceptive pill.

This time I'm going to try not to go back on the citalopram. Total episode time previous times I've done this is about 3 weeks but I think the SSRI onboarding symptoms made it worse. So this time I'm going without, just using propranolol as needed.

Handhold much appreciated. I'm pretty much repeating "it will go away" on a loop and trying to ignore the crushing terror that this will go on for ever.

Morning how're you both today.

I've woken with the usual morning dread and shaking. Determined not to let it beat me today. I'm up and going to take the dog for a walk.

I'm absolute sh@tying myself about work on Monday where I have to be in the office all day pretending I'm ok and give a presentation to about 10 people. Normally I'd do this without batting an eye.

@Closterfack yes this pretty much is a lifelong issue. I'm diagnosed with OCD but I have the intrusive thoughts type where my mind plonks a thought in my head that I've done something bad/wrong then my compulsions are that I check my thoughts/memories to try to make sure everything is safe. This causes very high anxiety and no matter how much I 'check' mentally theres always doubt.
I'm trying to do the exposure response prevention atm which again generates a lot of anxiety.
Been awake about an hour but just lying in bed with my mind whirring. Mornings are definitely the worst.

That sounds exhausting!

Yeah it is. It's always there to some degree but every few years or so I tend to have a bit of a breakdown with it. Usually at stressful times. My son left home before xmas, we are having an extension on our house which my DH is doing so taking a while, left my job of 25 years in Feb because it had been sold to a corporate company, started a new job in March but only managed a couple of weeks before my brain broke on me and psychiatrist changed my meds in January. So I suppose that's stressful.

Afternoon both. I've done that classic thing where you feel better for one day and think it's all on the way out....then wake up feeling appalling again the next day and then end up despairing even more 😔

@HangingOver that happened last week to me. Today I'm trying to not overthink it all and just reminded myself that I've been here before and got better. Are you feeling any better now?

I'd say that a good day is a sign of improvement and a source of hope. How are you today?

I've had an ok day, been out all day cycling with the family so a good chance to not be inside my head. But at the same time dreading tomorrow with a full day in the office, meetings and a presentation ....

Hi both, how are you doing?

Great news on the cycling @Closterfack ! It's high tides all week so I'm going to swim in the estuary every morning. It's was lovely this morning.

I learned my lesson so I took beta blocker the moment I woke up this morning and actually had a much better day. Managed to work all day and see a friend at lunch

Completely exhausted now though! Fighting sleep with a smashing headache but I'm still calling it a win.

I've been at work all day. Spent most of it in a pseudo panic attack but managed both meetings somehow. Now I'm exhausted.

Hopefully I have proved to myself I can do my job however hideous I may feel.

Yes! This is the word thing...we can most definitely still do things. I feel like repeatedly doing things even while feeling rotten will lessen the anxiety about them. Well done, have a sit down!

Bad day today.

So tearful and angry that this time two weeks ago I was literally totally fine and now everything is so terrifying and awful 😭

Hey @HangingOver

Try and put today down as just another day that you have survived and another day closer to this horror lifting. Take it hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to.

A friendly reminder (and I'm on repeat with this myself) that this will pass and we will get better.

Sending 🤗

Thank you. Night night xx

@HangingOver I'm having a string of bad days also. Waking up really anxious and shaking. I've felt really odd the last few days. Cant really explain it but really strong feeling of fear.

How are you both doing today?

I'm off to do my presentation to 80 people. I won't bother to describe how I'm feeling as I'm sure you can guess.

But if I can do this then I kind of feel I'm sticking 2 fingers up to the anxiety.

Hopefully I won't collapse, vomit, freeze or do anything else hopelessly embarrassing.....

How did it go @Closterfack ?

Went well actually.

Wierdly I woke up for the first time in 3 weeks without total panic and adrenaline. I just went and did it, got a round of applause and then bolted home.

Glad I pushed myself to do it. It's so easy to avoid things when you have anxiety and I know for myself I always feel worse when I give into it. I slept better too, though felt anxious again today even tho I had no plans! What gives eh?

How are you getting on?

Hi both. @Closterfack well done . A psychologist I saw once said part of getting better is continuing to do what you would be doing despite the anxiety. Very hard to do though.
I've had a slightly better couple of days. Still feeling anxious but not getting stuck on the intrusive thoughts as much.

Well done @Closterfack very impressive.

@Ilovedogs1 that's exactly what the hideously expensive shrink I saw yesterday said.

Today is dire. Yesterday was dire. Cannot see a way out today.

It's been said to me before as well. One of those things it's easy to say but so desperately hard to do.

Is there any reason for worse days @HangingOver ? Do you feel better at any point of the day that you can project forward to? Mornings are hell for me but I'm almost universally better when up and moving. For me movement (generally but especially vigorous exercise) is an absolute must even when I think I absolutely can't do it.

Sending you both hugs tonight as anxiety is bloody awful

Hello, I have this! I had it years ago as a teenager, then it has come back recently. I had major surgery 6 weeks ago and also been through a lot in the past year on top of that, and I've started having panic attacks and derealization. Some days it's just for a short time, others all day.

It's awful, I know. Such a horrible feeling. Feels like I'm still asleep and haven't woken up from a dream, or I'm just going to disappear or something. I find it affects my vision too, everything around me looks odd in a way I can't explain.

But the number 1 way to make it worse is to be afraid of it. I find the more I think about it, obsess over it, wish it away - the worse it becomes. It's very hard to ignore, but that's the absolute best thing you can try to do.

What helps me is remembering it's actually my brain trying to protect me. It's a natural defence mechanism where your brain is trying to avoid excessive stress. It can't actually hurt you, as bad as it feels. For some reason I find that comforting?

I saw my GP this week and got prescribed propanolol. Not sure if it's working so far.. but I will keep trying it.

I hope you feel better soon!

@HangingOver did the (hideously expensive) shrink have any useful tips or hints? Did he or she have a plan to get you out of this blip?

It is just a blip, you will get better 💪

Thanks again for checking in. Hi @Daisythecat15 yes everything you've said 100% rings true with me.

I'm really really trying to ignore it but I'm not doing very well. I just can't believe that three weeks ago everything was totally normal and fine and now nothing I look at is real. And nothing matters, because it isn't real.

I'm spending quite a lot of my day crying ATM. Hope you're all doing better.

Did your psych have anything useful to say @HangingOver?

How are you doing @Ilovedogs1?

I had a few good days but am now back to the morning rush of panic.

Sort of. He said he need to work out how to manage the symptoms while they're happening so I can actually have a life rather than laying face down wailing for the whole duration. like when you've got any other illness, realising it's not permanent. I'm still not clear on how to do it though. I said to him that's like trying to get on with life while someone is following you around smacking you in the fact with a frying pan.

I emailed my GP again yesterday and they said they'll phone me Friday which feels like a lifetime away.

Last night I had some very scary thoughts. Became convinced I'm actually not real and neither is anything else, which made me think I'd gone psychotic.