Partners OCD

[ThankYouMama]

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering. 

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

The meds most commonly used for OCD are things like sertraline which don’t normally sedate or slow people down - that would be an unusual side effect. But if he had a consultation at a specialist centre I’m sure they could talk him through that.
Have you considered trying any medications for your anxiety?

Look at the Parent Puzzle course as a starter.

If you do a face to face one you could benefit from the real life support from others that find it hard too.

I might suggest you are also depressed as well as anxious

This sounds like an impossibly hard situation to be in.

@ThankYouMama

You chose to have 2 children knowing the situation you were bringing them into.

You dont get to choose not to parent them now they are here.

Hello

I'm not a fan of medication either, only unless I really need to take it.

Yes, my mood can be very low but I do things during the day to occupy myself.

Like this morning, I'm in the coffee shop with one of my friends from my sons school, I'm not going to stay out until pick-up time, I'm going to head home soon.

I am in the process of changing things this week!

I do not like your responses. I'd appreciate if you didn't comment again. Enjoy the rest of your day.

@ThankYouMama

No, you've already said you don't like any response that you don't want to hear.

It doesn't change the reality.

Your kids are the ones who will suffer, now and in the longer term.

Hi there my Dd was diagnosed with OCD at 13. She was under CAHMS until she was 18. She was prescribed Setraline as she was unable to leave the house. I understand how hard it is living with someone suffering from this awful condition. She stayed on her meds until she became able to lead a fulfilling life. I don’t like medication but it was the last resort. She’s now at university and functioning away from home. I’m afraid your family’s situation is one where medication would be recommended. You can’t continue as you are especially when your child may start to mimic behaviours. Dd stayed on meds for three years and hadn’t relapsed to date. It’s worth going to the GP and asking for help. He needs meds and intensive therapy to beat this. I would be giving him an ultimatum regarding remaining in the family home. He needs proper help or he needs to leave unfortunately. All the best OP. I’ve had to be straight talking as the situation will get worse and your children will be majorly affected.

I am glad that you're daughter is better now and is leading a normal life 🙂

I will not be giving my partner an ultimatum, we are going to continue living together as a family.

I'm heading home soon, I'll take that opportunity to sit down with him and look at options.

I really appreciate you don't want others involved but I fear this situation is far bigger and complicated than you can solve alone.

Support doesn't have too be negative and asking for help is a positive thing.

Good luck to you.

Hi there, @ThankYouMama , we hope you don't mind but we've moved your thread over to our Mental Health topic as we thought the discussion was better suited to it. Hope that helps.

God, the four of you are living such unhealthy, abnormal, isolated lives. You'd be far, far better off if you'd had to work for a living and never had that money.

Since you have it, though, the least of your responsibilities to your children is to plough it into mental health treatment, and spending time engaging with outside society. You need to start doing stuff, because I have a feeling that you'll put everything off "until my anxiety is better", which it never will be unless you push yourself. Start studying, or volunteering, or even working a bit, but you need something that gets you out of your head and his.

It's utterly baffling that there is an option proven to help that you both outright refuse to do. The therapy alone clearly isn't helping.

He knows the effect of meds will sedate him and slow him down, and he doesn't want that

This is not true. As PP says, the meds given for OCD don't sedate or slow you down. They help with the intrusive thoughts and calm your mind so you can function better.

It's all well and good not wanting to take meds but sometimes it's absolutely necessary.

@ThankYouMama You and your partner might dislike the idea of being on medication but it may very well be what is best for your children. You both need to way up the inconvenience of being on medication versus the benefit of your kids being less affected by the illness. For neither of you to take medication if a doctor would consider that it would improve the situation is a selfish choice. You need to both be thinking about what is best for your children. My parents parents have constantly made choices that put themselves first. My partner has ultimately suffered badly for this and as a result he is estranged from them.

I suffered from OCD from about 12 to about 32. It's just that it is so much easier to manage now that I am off medication and barring periods of high-stress it has very little impact on my life.

I'll talk a bit on medication, and then also on ERP. Maybe over more than one post.

Personally, I wouldn't be where I was without medication. I was such a wreck, in a constant state of panic and war against my own mind that there was no space to make any progress or do anything other than to give into compulsions and barely hold down my job.

The common misperception myth that medication "changes" or "zombifies" you comes from Lithium and other older medications, which nowadays are not used much — Lithium is only used in treating Bipolar Disorder generally.

People have mentioned it already, but the current standard for OCD is SSRIs, which have far, less extreme side-effects. The first choice is usually Sertraline, because most people have less of a reaction to it. But that doesn't mean you have to take Sertraline. There are other options. Personally, sertraline didn't gel with me and I took Fluoxitine for the longest period of time.

The other thing worth saying is that going on an SSRI is a very slow and gentle process. You will likely start on the smallest clinical dose for at least a month before increasing it is even considered. This is so you can get a feel for side-effects and make a choice about switching to another one, or whether or not to increase the dose.

I was at the highest allowed dose for Fluoxitine, but that's because I was a pretty extreme case. I experienced very few side effects on it though. Other people hate Fluoxitine and prefer Sertraline. There are NINE available on the NHS for this reason! You are never going to be forced to take one that has side effects you can't deal with.

I have to say that the difference after finding one that worked for me was night and day. My OCD wasn't gone but I was actually living again, at least a little. I was watching TV and going outside and actually spending free time outside of my bed.

It wasn't enough on its own though, but it did allow me to actually engage in ERP.

I'll be honest, I had some pretty negative experiences with normal CBT therapy over the years, due to me having a pretty atypical theme (mainly sexual stuff). I find that most therapists weren't able to recognise OCD and then even when told what it was I was suffering from would suggest things that weren't helpful or come in with their own preconceptions.

ERP is a much more rigid, and specialised form of therapy. Generally if a therapist knows what it is at all, then they know how to deal with OCD.

But you have to be ready for it. And I wouldn't have been ready for it without medication. It is exhausting and intense. I really had to be at the point where I was willing to experience some of the fear because I just needed to get past what I was going through. The horrible things I feared were becoming almost less terrible than the suffering I was going through thinking that I was preventing them.

I'd also really reccomend OCD Action:
https://ocdaction.org.uk/

They run free online and in-person support groups for sufferers and family alike. Just hearing people talk about their experiences was a massive step for me and really helped me.

It will be a long journey though. It took me a couple of years from really wanting to beat it to actually getting to where I am now. Slow and steady wins the race. Especially in ERP.

If you have any more specific questions DM me or ask in this thread and I'll try to remember to check. (Don't use Mumsnet a lot)

Right...

I've spoken to him, he is willing to try anything except for medication and also he doesn't want to go anywhere where he has to stay, but he will think about it, and if he does decide to go, the baby will have to stay in the care of his mums, because he doesn't trust me... thank you darling, however, that's not something I want to hear whilst I'm trying to help you and willing to pay the bill!

Medication reason - He says that he doesn't want to be dependent on medication and he knows that it will slow him down.

Being an inpatient - I explained that it would help him far more better than going to therapy, he will get the intense help, support, treatment and therapy all under one roof.

I think he is aware that he "isn't well" due to his diagnosis, he has said he wants to get better.

I'm going to make a few phone calls.

Medication reason - He says that he doesn't want to be dependent on medication and he knows that it will slow him down

In what way does he think it meds will slow him down? That's not what they do as other posters who have experience of them have told you.

Also, slow him down from what? Cleaning? He has no job to worry about.
Why would he not want a break from the constant intrusive thoughts? Helping him to actually function better? That's not 'slowing him down'

Needing to take meds isn't a bad thing if it's the best solution to the problem.

He doesn't trust you to look after your baby? Wow.

There is covert abuse going on here... not you OP.

@ThankYouMama Why must you be willing to pay for his treatment? I thought you said he had money? Does he live off your inheritance?

He has a gross and outdated misunderstanding of medication. It’s not like zombifying people in institutions in the 1960s.
Please help him understand that medication for ocd does not have this effect and the target dose is always the lowest effective dose.
Medication will allow his thinking mind to have a chance at battling the challenge ahead.

@ThankYouMama By the way you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If someone really wants to be helped they will try whatever is suggested to them. Including medication. It does not make my partner slower. He just feels calmer.

I am willing to pay for his treatment because I can, and yes he has his own money and has never taken a penny off me, he is not a free loader.

It needs to be explained to him by a professional.

This is the best reply I've read on here yet. You and your DP have created an absolute birds nest of mess between you by having a family and not engaging in treatment for your conditions.

I'm not bashing parents with mental health issues btw, one look at my posting history will show you that I have a raft of mental health issues myself, but my primary focus, ahead of myself and my needs, is always my children. I work on myself for me and them.

What you are doing to your baby is neglect, there's no two ways about that. You don't meet even their basic needs. You leave them with your severely mentally ill partner all day and go and meet your friends instead. How do you feel about that?

I'm autistic, I've been in treatment for severe anxiety pretty much my whole life. But when it comes to my kids I will never let them down, ever. All my energy goes into making their lives great, and not passing on my baggage. My DH is in recovery from alcoholism, he goes to therapy every week like clockwork and takes his antidepressants because he's knows how important it is to be healthy, for himself and his family.

Your DH is in denial, and to be honest, I think you might be too. I don't think you realise how serious your own anxiety is.

Find out why you're so anxious, fast. Stop the coffee dates for a bit. Take your kids out. Start close to home and gradually go further and further. For them AND you.

Yes make your phone calls but start changing your life right now. Nobody is going to change it for you.