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Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 01/05/2023 17:51

You purposely stay out of the house all day, avoiding parenting your baby. Leaving him all day with the father whose behaviour has already impacted the older boy.
And your solution is full time nursery rather than stop bloody shopping and socialising and look after him yourself?!!
Why can't you look after him? You said you can deal with one at a time.

Your DP needs meds asap. He should be trying anything if it might stop the impact on his family.

Why so desperate for a baby at 20 op?
Did you have any intention of working?

Good job you are both wealthy and can afford to do nothing all day. Although that's likely part of the problem.

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:56

@ThankYouMama What kinds of voluntary work would you like to do ? I agree with the poster below that being able to afford to do nothing all day is likely part of the problem.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 18:01

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:56

@ThankYouMama What kinds of voluntary work would you like to do ? I agree with the poster below that being able to afford to do nothing all day is likely part of the problem.

Anything as long as it involves helping people.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 18:02

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 17:41

@ThankYouMama Do you think either of your parents might struggle with anxiety that you have picked up on like your son is copying his Dad ?

No, neither of my parents suffer/suffered from anxiety, I started experiencing anxiety from a young child, but my parents put it down to "being dramatic/disobedient/naughty"

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 18:10

SpacePotato · 01/05/2023 17:51

You purposely stay out of the house all day, avoiding parenting your baby. Leaving him all day with the father whose behaviour has already impacted the older boy.
And your solution is full time nursery rather than stop bloody shopping and socialising and look after him yourself?!!
Why can't you look after him? You said you can deal with one at a time.

Your DP needs meds asap. He should be trying anything if it might stop the impact on his family.

Why so desperate for a baby at 20 op?
Did you have any intention of working?

Good job you are both wealthy and can afford to do nothing all day. Although that's likely part of the problem.

I always wanted to be a mother, and yes I did plan on having a career, but soon after my granddad died and inherited everything. So as you can imagine, I lost motivation ☹️

OP posts:
Gilead · 01/05/2023 18:13

Yes I live in London, and I do think my partner would benefit from a residential stay somewhere.
The Maudsley do have residential help, but they make the decision after assessment. Your do will need to ask the GP for a referral and not be fobbed off.

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 18:22

@ThankYouMama There is a website called Do It where you can apply for volunteer work. If you try out a variety of volunteer work you might find something that could turn into a career. You could also donate some of your inheritance to the charities you are helping with. You'd probably feel more positive in general. My work as an art teacher can be hard at times but I do get a sense of achievement from it.

Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 18:23

@ThankYouMama having seen how much better my partner is when he keeps busy your partner might better also doing volunteer work.

Petrapanacotta · 01/05/2023 18:53

To be blunt you are both hurting your children emotionally. Children need to learn danger, asses risk get wet and dirty. I saw a kid crippled by anxiety and fear due to COVID as the mum was so anxious about germs. If he does this behaviour all day around the baby then he will damaging them. You both need help.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 19:38

Gilead · 01/05/2023 18:13

Yes I live in London, and I do think my partner would benefit from a residential stay somewhere.
The Maudsley do have residential help, but they make the decision after assessment. Your do will need to ask the GP for a referral and not be fobbed off.

My partner is extremely stubborn, I don't know how to suggest it to him, I'm going to have to raise it to him when he is in a good mood.

He is still not home yet, and is not answering his phone 🙁

I've bathed both boys, and put them in their pyjamas, will settle them for bed soon.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 01/05/2023 20:03

@ThankYouMama The fact that you have to wait until he's in a good mood is not a good sign. My partner's encourages me to come up with suggestions on how he could improve and implements them. This is the attitude that has rendered the rituals defunct and hopefully will help us eventually get the intrusive thoughts under control.

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 20:09

I thought you said you left your baby with dh all day?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 20:20

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 20:09

I thought you said you left your baby with dh all day?

You have "thought" wrong. I do take the baby out but I need to have another person with me, taking the both out alone is very overwhelming for me.

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 01/05/2023 20:24

This is become a bit muddled. You have a 6 year old at school, you did say you go out and leave baby, so if you’ve one at school how can you be looking after 2 when you go out in the day?

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 20:40

ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 17:35

I am already in therapy for my anxiety, I need parenting classes, I was discussing it with my friend this afternoon, he said that he'll come with me.

Show quote history

I think it would be better if you went on your own

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 20:49

So you can look after them on your own

That's good

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 20:52

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 20:49

So you can look after them on your own

That's good

It's very difficult for me. My partner is still not home. Our 6 year old should be asleep right now, but he is refusing to get in bed, instead he is telling me that he would like to go outside.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 20:53

@Hoppinggreen I would like him to come along to the first session for support; I don't know what to expect.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2023 21:08

ThankYouMama · 01/05/2023 20:53

@Hoppinggreen I would like him to come along to the first session for support; I don't know what to expect.

I do understand anxiety and I know it may be easier if he comes but if you can manage to do it on your own I really think it would be a positive step for you.

SpacePotato · 01/05/2023 22:53

Has it ever occurred to you that the unhealthy co decency you and your partner have is exacerbating both of your poor mental health?

He clearly makes you worse but you pander to his OCD and he makes you so anxious you can't even stay in your own home with your child.

If you lived separately, you and your children would have space to relax.
You child is displaying behaviour that he is witnessing from both of you. He is clearly afraid of upsetting his father by breaking any of the rules.

Tell him straight that he is traumatizing his own children and why would he want his boys to suffer from such a debilitating mental illness like him, when he could try taking meds likely to help? Refusing to even try is so bloody selfish.

If he won't then you are going to have to take responsibility and protect your children's mental health.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 07:25

SpacePotato · 01/05/2023 22:53

Has it ever occurred to you that the unhealthy co decency you and your partner have is exacerbating both of your poor mental health?

He clearly makes you worse but you pander to his OCD and he makes you so anxious you can't even stay in your own home with your child.

If you lived separately, you and your children would have space to relax.
You child is displaying behaviour that he is witnessing from both of you. He is clearly afraid of upsetting his father by breaking any of the rules.

Tell him straight that he is traumatizing his own children and why would he want his boys to suffer from such a debilitating mental illness like him, when he could try taking meds likely to help? Refusing to even try is so bloody selfish.

If he won't then you are going to have to take responsibility and protect your children's mental health.

Living in separate houses is out of the question, I'm not going to break my family up and plus I would not be able to cope with two children.

I can not force him to take medication, it's his choice. He knows the effect of meds will sedate him and slow him down, and he doesn't want that.

This week, I am going to try and make a few changes.

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 02/05/2023 08:00

Living in 2 houses isn’t breaking the family up, lots of families do this for various reasons.
Continuing to live like this may ultimately break your family up and it will certainly give your children psychological problems.

HairyKitty · 02/05/2023 08:01

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JustDanceAddict · 02/05/2023 08:16

DS (19) has probable OCD, but not contamination type, ruminating type and a few physical behaviours.
it’s hard to deal with both for he sufferer and the family - he’s just started some therapy w a psychologist privately.
i would advise your partner goes back to therapy for a longer period, my ds won’t even try meds either, it’s very frustrating as I think the combination would be more effective but he’s scared of them. Which is valid - I think if it was affecting the whole family more I’d have to try and insist.

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2023 08:41

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 07:25

Living in separate houses is out of the question, I'm not going to break my family up and plus I would not be able to cope with two children.

I can not force him to take medication, it's his choice. He knows the effect of meds will sedate him and slow him down, and he doesn't want that.

This week, I am going to try and make a few changes.

Show quote history

To paraphrase Yoda
Do not try, do