Brother in law's wedding

[89Mumof3]

Hi, so my brother in law is getting married in June, getting a lot of anxiety. I've got 2 young children 1 that 2 and a half, the other 9 weeks. My oldest is 13 so can help a little bit. Probably overthinking it, I've got no self confidence after having my youngest, the figure has gone kerput, and my hairs all falling out, I've got a wide partin and a bald patch. I don't want my photo being taken, I don't want to be left on my own with the kids, I'm pretty sure I'll do a disappearing act, so I don't have to talk to anyone, all they'll see is me who's a mess.
My husband is wearing a nice hire suit, and I'm going to look awful next to him, I feel completely inferior and really looking for excuses not to go. I'm praying one of the kids is ill or something. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but I'm completely overwhelmed by it all. I'm ok around people I know, but I look like I'm seriously ill or something. I can't find a reason to buy a new outfit as it seems a waste of money when I don't look my best. My eczema has flared up, there's no redeeming feature I want to focus on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

This is a short term pain vs long term gain situation. It is worth a few hours outside your comfort zone for the sake of future relationships. There is no going back on refusing to go to a family wedding for no rational reason. I don’t mean that unkindly, but your reasons are not rational. Weddings are one of the exceptions to the ‘look after yourself rule’, it’s a time when you put others first and allow your dh and kids to be part of a big family event.

Have you got a John Lewis or House of Fraser near you? Make use of their free personal dresser service. You don't have to buy anything, but they can show you outfits that will suit you and can give you an idea of what to look for.

Please tell your GP all you have told us, you are obviously very anxious and not in a good headspace.

Your husband is obviously going to have to wear a suit if he is a groomsman. It isn't a competition.

Get your mum to help you find an outfit. It doesn't have to be too fancy as long as it is smart.

You really will just blend in with the other guests, for photos just hold a child, you'll barely be seen, if that's what you want.

Think of all the weddings you have been to, can you honestly remember what people were wearing?

I can see why your husband is a bit dubious thst you can go to a disco. It seems like you are putting up hurdles for this wedding that really aren't there.

I'd go if I had his support. I'm going round in circles which isn't helpful. He's my 13 year olds step dad and he really wouldn't mind not going he hates getting dressed up. I'd regrets going and then leaving due to anxiety more than not going at all. I'm sorry I'm just not strong enough at the minute. I'm not saying I'm being rational or fair it's just how I feel. I wish I felt better but I don't

I'm sure he does want to support you, but it's hard when he's got another role to play on his brother's big day. He can tell you that you look lovely (as I'm sure you do) but he can't believe it for you IYSWIM.

I'm a bit worried for you that you'll shrink your world by not doing things that are hard. Of course it's easier to stay at home but you'll be letting fear win and next time, you might decide it's too scary to leave the house at all.

@89Mumof3 please get professional help for your anxiety. Your posts are quite worrying :(

Yeah this. OP I was a bridesmaid on Saturday for my best friend. My baby is 16 weeks old and I felt really fat and frumpy next to the other bridesmaids and it would have been very easy to back out and not do it. I was stressed before the day in case baby kicked off at the wedding (very fancy non child friendly venue) but actually the whole day was FINE and I'm so glad I went and was bridesmaid. Looking at the pictures I don't look that bad next to the others and was blowing it out of proportion in my head.

You will be absolutely FINE if you go. It's not til June. It will be nice for everyone to meet the baby. The attention won't be on you x

I just need support to push myself to get out of the house. That's why I'm going to try and go to the disco, but I've got full support and no kids to worry about.
I'm not going, my husband says it's ok, the family say that's fine so it's all ok. He just needs to let his brother know so they can rearrange the tables etc. I'll be ok once he's let him know and hopefully we can find a way through this storm. I'll get some confidence back when I look like me and feel like me again, I'm just not there yet

OP, everyone is going to be focused on the bride. Nobody will be looking at you. Get a really nice hat which will cover your hair.

Would you have been a bridesmaid if your hair fell out? I've got 2 young children, people coming over looking at the baby doesn't help, I don't want the attention, I want him to take that side of things away from me

I don't wear hats, they just don't look nice on me. Plus you take them off inside

It's OK not to go. There is absolutely no point in making yourself miserable about this. You may be feeling better in another couple of months but you may not and you will just be anxious the whole time so make clear to the bride and groom and anyone else that needs to know that you and the children won't be going. You don't need to give a reason or make an excuse but if you feel you must then just say you are not up to it. That's it. You don't need to elaborate.
Don't listen to those who say how you look and feel isn't important and no-one will be looking at you anyway. It's important to you and you feel shitty enough as it is without putting yourself out there to have your self esteem crushed even more.
Stop fretting about your husband and his suit. It's just not important. Let him go and support his brother. You could sort of say he's picked his side and is not prepared to prioritise you and his children over his brother but sometimes it just works out that way and you have to deal with it and move on.
You are feeling so vulnerable at the moment so there is very little that would make this any better anyway even if your DH stuck to you like glue all day.
You will start feeling better and you will find ways to deal with what you are going through but not right now. It's just really bad timing and you are focusing so much on the wedding as being the cause of all your worries but you can remove that anxiety completely by giving yourself permission not to go.
I hope you can get some help for your hair loss soon and that you have a good time at the disco.

Thanks fizzadora, that's exactly how I feel. I just need to give myself permission not to give and don't beat myself up over it