Brother in law's wedding

[89Mumof3]

Hi, so my brother in law is getting married in June, getting a lot of anxiety. I've got 2 young children 1 that 2 and a half, the other 9 weeks. My oldest is 13 so can help a little bit. Probably overthinking it, I've got no self confidence after having my youngest, the figure has gone kerput, and my hairs all falling out, I've got a wide partin and a bald patch. I don't want my photo being taken, I don't want to be left on my own with the kids, I'm pretty sure I'll do a disappearing act, so I don't have to talk to anyone, all they'll see is me who's a mess.
My husband is wearing a nice hire suit, and I'm going to look awful next to him, I feel completely inferior and really looking for excuses not to go. I'm praying one of the kids is ill or something. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but I'm completely overwhelmed by it all. I'm ok around people I know, but I look like I'm seriously ill or something. I can't find a reason to buy a new outfit as it seems a waste of money when I don't look my best. My eczema has flared up, there's no redeeming feature I want to focus on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Thanks for your support. I've decided not to go, I can't compete with everyone else. My husband can't support me as he's a groomsmen. I know it's going to play on my mind until it's over but I can't see another way. I'm going to organise some days for me and the kids when he's at the stag do, and the wedding so I stop me going off to anxiety land. I just feel so hopeless and helpless at the moment. Thanks again

But you are not competing with anyone. I’m sorry you are so stressed.

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do, and I'm sorry that you decided not to attend the wedding!
(I kind of think that your husband should be able to support you with the children during the wedding, whether or not he's a groomsman. You are a team.)
I hope you will feel better soon. Please be kind to yourself!

I am sorry you have decided not to go. Please order some of the root touch suggested to try, my dm has very thin hair and uses it everyday and it is amazing. Try and boost your confidence and take all help that is offered.

Thanks, he can't support me if he's the groomsmen as I'll want to sit anywhere but at the front with 2 kids incase I need to take them out for whatever reason. There's extra pressures that I can't cope with at the moment I just hope there's no permanent damage from me and the kids not attending. Thanks

You aren't there to compete. You're there to join the family for an important milestone. People don't care about how you look, they want your company, your smiles and jokes, they want to fuss over baby. It's really not about how you look.

I know, but how I look affects how I feel. I feel I need complete support on the day and maybe that is asking too much which is why I think it's better if I don't go. I do want to go, I'd love for his family to meet the baby, but I'd like him there with me when they come over and play the role of their Dad and my husband than be somewhere else as a groomsmen. It sounds selfish and maybe it is I'm not in a talkative mood and not very good at exchanging pleasentries at the moment.

Sweetheart, you have to do a ton of work to sort this out. This level of anxiety about a very normal wedding is not okay. Your kids don’t need a mum that hides, they need a kick ass mum, who might be faking it til,she makes it, but that is who they need.
I think a hat, a nice jacket over your frock to hide within, and a bag full of toys for the kids and you would have got through it.

Anxiety and especially social anxiety are rubbish, but don’t hide

That might be the case, but that's not helpful. If they were older toys would work, but they like noisy ones not quiet tablets. The baby projectiles no idea how you plan for that. Hats come off indoors. I can't afford a super nice dress with a jacket. Keep looking on vinted and that's about it

Don't make the decision just yet, give it a few weeks. You mentioned your mum, could she come over to you on the morning of the wedding so that you can go to the hairdressers?

I wouldn't normally advocate spending money you don't have, but I would also go to a department store and get yourself an outfit you feel confident and comfortable in, including underwear.

If your mum is generally supportive, maybe you need to explain to her how bad things are for you at the moment. Take any help and support that she offers.

It sounds like your DH is not able to offer you the support that you want from him and that he is not coping either. Things may look so much better in June. I wouldn't discuss the wedding any further with DH at the moment.

Sorry in terms of the shopping for the outfit, I meant to suggest using something Klarna or a Next account, strictly as a one off

He's phoning his mum later see what she thinks. I can't help how I feel, and there just intensifying as time goes on. I just want it sorted. I have thought he goes to the wedding on his own as a groomsmen, gets changed and we join him for the meal if I feel up to it. That's the only compromise I can think of at the minute

Well I offered to go to the reception after he's done his groomsmen role. Then he can get changed so he can help with the kids without me worrying. He said no would sooner I didn't go. I told him to enjoy the suit. Not sure what I'm meant to do, there's no compromise to be had. His brother gets his support while me and the kids are cast aside, I've begged him, I've told him I really need him right now and he doesn't want to know. My confidence is at rock bottom and he doesn't want to help

What an awful thing for him to say! He should be looking after the 2 year old whilst you have the baby. He isn’t a single child free man anymore.

Use that Next voucher to buy a new dress and take up your mum’s offer to get your hair done. A new dress, hairstyle and some makeup will make you feel more confident.

Also, please go to the GP about your hair loss and anxiety. You could try anti-anxiety drugs but you also need some face to face therapy for your post natal anxiety.

You had a baby so you’re amazing. One day you’ll look back at the pictures and tell your kids about the day and how rubbish you felt and they will think you looked great.
Sorry op I know how you feel. I feel the same and my kids are much older.
Go and get your hair done and find something plain to wear so you feel comfortable and inconspicuous. There will be loads of people who want to coo over the baby. Worst case scenario and you’re utterly miserable pretend you have a headache and go home. But it might be ok. You will probably have a nice meal you haven’t cooked!
Having a baby is tough - the hair thing is horrible - but it will get better and you really are in such early stages after giving birth.
Plan your escape route if you have to and remember everyone will be looking at the bride and groom.

It sounds like you are at a real low, so in this case looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do. Yes, sometimes you can 'fake it' but if you're really low you just need to do what you need to do, and your are the only person knows what you need. You won't always feel this way; your children are so little and your confidence is at a low.

So i think you can absolutely skip the wedding if that feels best for you.

If not going is the best way to look after yourself during this time, then don't go. Your life - your decision. And it is strengthening to make decisions that are best for you. Even if in future you feel s bit sad you missed out you can know you put your well being first - and you really matter!

Focus on the little things you can do that build you up and help you feel calm. Simple things like enjoying a TV show you like with a hot drink, whatever feels good to you. Look at it like you are creating a tool kit of whatever activities or supportive people or practices (like walking or short guided meditation) that help you. Having these will support you to feel better and also be things you can turn to when you feel a bit better and can look at some of the beliefs and fears you may have. This is just my 2 cents... good luck to you!

I'm sorry your DH is not getting it @89Mumof3 . It sounds like he is operating on a plain of 'I'm not going to prioritise you on my brother's wedding day.' and 'I'm already doing so much for you and it is still not enough' - I'm guessing, but I think there is probably a lot of that kind of thing behind how is dealing with this situation.

I don't think that either of those things are necessarily true BTW, but I think often, it is the first time in a man's life when they have to properly think of anyone apart from themselves. It is a bit of a rude awakening. I've seen in my family that new dads often have outspoken advocates (their mum, their friends) and the mums that have been through pregnancy birth, recovery, body changes, little sleep don't have the equivalent voices for them.

I think you probably do have a slightly unnecessary fixation on this wedding, as your baby will be a different baby in 2 months and fingers crossed you will be feeling much better than you do now. I do understand though why this is such a difficult prospect on the horizon.

Your DH is not understanding how bad things are for you at the moment. He is not getting that actually there is a danger that he will be doing 100% of parenting if you collapse. He may be very fixated on not being taken advantage of and so may his family.

You didn't answer about your mum @89Mumof3 . Can she come to your rescue? I think you need an advocate and carer (for want of a better word) now, and possibly at the wedding too.

I really feel for you. 💐

My mum will do anything she can to help, but she can't be by my side on the day which is what I'm m needing. I've decided not to go as I can't seem to get out of the house at the moment apart from to go to the doctors to get her jabs. I just feel awful. I'm sure he thinks I'm trying to make life difficult, why would I put myself through this for no reason.
I've booked myself to go to a disco with my mum and a friend, he doesn't understand that's different. I'm still self conscious, but I've got support from 2 people and no kids to look after. No one's going to stand out we'll just blend in.
I'll still go round hairdressers on Friday as I think that may help, I just feel like he doesn't care. I'll get him a birthday card from the suit as that's clearly more important than his wife breaking down and feeling utterly alone.
I can't have an escape plan if I go I'm committed at it's over an hour's drive, unless he goes back to his mum's. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I can't get self confidence overnight, I can't make my hair grow back, he's quite happy to go without the kids, but I can't bear to be without them. I'm not eating, I can't sleep, and he just doesn't care it's his way or no way I never knew he was so pig headed. I understand he wants to fit in with the wedding and he'd like to do it, but how can he enjoy this role when it's tearing us apart. I don't think he wants us anymore

You sound very unhappy but also overly fixated on this wedding. The wedding is about your dh’s bro and new wife (who you haven’t mentioned) are they nice people? Honestly no one will be judging you, do you judge people? if you tell them you are struggling they will support you. If you just refuse to go that might annoy them though! You are going to the wedding to support you dh’s bro, it’s about them, weddings are cheerful and people are generally nice at them, you will be just one of many people, most of whom presumably don’t look like models! You will not be the centre of attention. And of course you can wear a fascinator or headband and keep it on! Personally I think young dc are not ideal in church so I’d ‘offer’ to sit at the back or wait outside/in the hotel with the tiny ones. But don’t potentially start to upset the bride / groom by refusing to go. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t enjoy and just remember it’s one afternoon and evening but a lifetime relationship with your in-laws!

I can understand why your dh is confused that you can go to a disco but not a family wedding. Please see your gp urgently as what you are describing sounds severe - and probably very hard for your dh to deal with. It doesn’t sound like he is dealing with it well, but it also doesn’t sound like he is the cause of the problem.

@89Mumof3 are you sure your mum can't come to the wedding? Maybe there is somewhere nearby she can wait with the DC while the ceremony is going on. Or maybe DH's family wouldn't mind her sitting in on the ceremony if she won't be adding to number at the reception.

Your DH doesn't realise what is at stake and what you are going through @89Mumof3. I think it might help if you drop the subject of the wedding with him for now. He is really not seeing the connection and why this wedding is such a barrier for you.

Accept for now that DH and his family are not going to help and support with the wedding. You need to build yourself a support network for the day that is outside of DH and in laws. You won't get anywhere with DH on this subject at the moment.

I have just had a baby in recent weeks so get it. But your thoughts are completely spiralling out of control about this.

When anxiety is so high and out of control you reject potential solutions to the problems because that is the anxiety driving your thought patterns.

Your dh isn't being unreasonable wanting to go to his brothers wedding or unreasonable wanting to enjoy it. The stress and frustration is rolling of your posts. And you are catastrophising.

Why does your dh need go get changed out of his suit? This seems to be big trigger for you is it because you think you ll feel better about yourself if he is not in a suit when you come with the kids?

Your husband sounds like he is trying to offer solutions. You are panicking about being with the kids by yourself so he is OK with leaving them so you too can spend time together. Your not happy with that because to some extent they are a security blanket for you.

Telling you to stop focusing on the wedding when your anxiety is so bad is pointless but what techniques have been suggested as part of your group? Have you heard of circle of control/influence? I use it when my anxiety is high and it helps me massively take small steps I need to get through situations.

Are you using them? Hopefully when you get back on your meds it will help slightly.

My husband says it's ok for me not to go. If my hair wasn't falling out, and my confidence wasn't at an all time low I could cope. I can't compete with him wearing a nice suit I just can't, I'll feel inferior rightly or wrongly.
I'm letting the wedding go, it's been dealt with, I'm going to a disco to help build my confidence with the help of my friend and my mum because that's what's needed. Of course there will be anxiety around it and when I want to leave I can. I can't leave a wedding if I want to and I won't feel supported plus the kids would be there.
I'm using the techniques, but he won't look at me jet alone talk or just give me a hug. I don't see a way forward. My only options are go and be miserable or don't go and hopefully take the kids out somewhere and be ok. So I've chosen the latter. I'll be ok whether we can get through this or not

But you will still be miserable by not going. You will also resent your husband for going. You are also stopping your kids from being able to attend a family event. You could leave the baby and it is perfectly possible for your 13 year old to help you with your toddler.

To be honest I don't think he can win in this situation.

I would give your 13 year old the option to go to the wedding with their dad if you really don't attend. They shouldn't miss out of something they would like to do because of this.

I hope the disco helps and you start feel better.

If the wedding is in a church then anyone can go. I would see if your mum would come with you, sit at the back and help with the children. Then either go home with her or if she was willing to, she takes home the toddler (maybe baby too) after photos and you can relax a little with your dh and eldest.

It does sound like either post natal depression, or with the hair loss maybe thyroid. Definitely push for more medical support. Explain the impact it is having on you.