Summary ..
- Been mentally ill since 1998.
- Severely agoraphobic, monophobic, depression, GAD, BPD, PTSD, horrible panic disorder.
- Failed relationships due to my illness.
- Late 40s, disgustingly ugly, no redeeming qualities.
- Therapy doesn't work, had so much of it.
- Medication doesn't work, I've tried so many different kinds over 25 years.
- Have no life, no social life 'cause
I don't leave the house and if I do ever attempt to go anywhere (with a safe person), 9/10 I panic so bad I pass out. My life is fucking hell.
All I have ever wanted is someone to love and accept me for who I am but it's an ask that is simply too great for anyone, I mean, who wants a partner who can't go anywhere? I have been dumped so many times because of my mental issues and every time i forge some kind of relationship I know it's only a matter of time before they give up on me because it's not fair on them even though they said right the beginning when I explained everything to them, my MH issues wouldn't ever be a problem for them, so I let my guard down only to be rejected because 'it's too much being with me', which in turn makes my borderline personality disorder go off the scale with abandonment issues and makes me feel unworthy, unlovable and suicidal.
((I am NOT abusive or a mean person, I love hard ... I don't ever stop a partner from doing what they want just because I can't be involved.))
I honestly feel that with my issues and being so fucking unattractive there's literally no one who'll ever want to be with me. I feel desperately alone.
I've toyed with the idea of no longer being here many times over the years, but the urge now is getting far greater the older I get and the reality hits that NO ONE will ever want an ugly 40 something woman who doesn't go anywhere.
I see no way out of the 25 year hell.
I've exhausted all avenues of help.
I have literally tried everything.
My depression, fear, panic and loneliness is literally killing me.
I've spoken to the doctors, Samaritans, Mind, crisis teams. the local mental hospital, recently had an appointment with a psychiatrist and nothing ever comes of it.
I just don't want to be here, living in this prison hell anymore.
Sadly mental illness is all too often terminal, especially when there's no relief from the mental pain and utter loneliness.