Nothing left to live for.

[mishthecatfish]

Summary ..

1. Been mentally ill since 1998.
2. Severely agoraphobic, monophobic, depression, GAD, BPD, PTSD, horrible panic disorder.
3. Failed relationships due to my illness.
4. Late 40s, disgustingly ugly, no redeeming qualities.
5. Therapy doesn't work, had so much of it.
6. Medication doesn't work, I've tried so many different kinds over 25 years.
7. Have no life, no social life 'cause

I don't leave the house and if I do ever attempt to go anywhere (with a safe person), 9/10 I panic so bad I pass out. My life is fucking hell.

All I have ever wanted is someone to love and accept me for who I am but it's an ask that is simply too great for anyone, I mean, who wants a partner who can't go anywhere? I have been dumped so many times because of my mental issues and every time i forge some kind of relationship I know it's only a matter of time before they give up on me because it's not fair on them even though they said right the beginning when I explained everything to them, my MH issues wouldn't ever be a problem for them, so I let my guard down only to be rejected because 'it's too much being with me', which in turn makes my borderline personality disorder go off the scale with abandonment issues and makes me feel unworthy, unlovable and suicidal.

((I am NOT abusive or a mean person, I love hard ... I don't ever stop a partner from doing what they want just because I can't be involved.))

I honestly feel that with my issues and being so fucking unattractive there's literally no one who'll ever want to be with me. I feel desperately alone.

I've toyed with the idea of no longer being here many times over the years, but the urge now is getting far greater the older I get and the reality hits that NO ONE will ever want an ugly 40 something woman who doesn't go anywhere.

I see no way out of the 25 year hell.

I've exhausted all avenues of help.

I have literally tried everything.

My depression, fear, panic and loneliness is literally killing me.

I've spoken to the doctors, Samaritans, Mind, crisis teams. the local mental hospital, recently had an appointment with a psychiatrist and nothing ever comes of it.

I just don't want to be here, living in this prison hell anymore.

Sadly mental illness is all too often terminal, especially when there's no relief from the mental pain and utter loneliness.

Sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. It sounds like you have had a really tough life. I know you said you have had lots of therapy but I wondered if you have had EMDR?

Hi @mishthecatfish am really very sorry to hear this.
Has anything been helpful for you do you think.

Hi there, OP,

We're sorry to hear you're feeling so low. We don't know if it will help - and we can see that you've already tried lots of avenues - but there are some numbers on our Mental Health Webguide that might be of use, at least as an interim until you can get real life help. Hopefully folk here will continue to offer support and help, too.
Please do keep posting and let us know how you're getting on.
MNHQ

Sounds awful for you but not all is lost

Have you tried self care? Face packs, baths /showers, incense, lavender under your pillow, get new pillows, and bedding and pjs, tried camomile tea?

Have your tried an online book club?
What about online gaming?
Could you redecorate your house?
Online painting /craft classes
Get a pet? You could get a dog and if not able to walk him yourself you could ask a local volunteer to walk the dog for you?
What about a cat?
Fish are meant to be relaxing?
Crocheting?knitting?
What about changing your room around like more feng shui?
Self help books?
Have you tried singing?
What about yoga or Pilates in your home have a look on you tube?
Do you use white noise,pink noise, brown noise, rain sounds etc to go to sleep?
Learn an instrument online?
What about writing your feelings down and burning them and they writing down why you are great and read that out loud every day?
Order a nail kit online and do that?
What about soap making, candle making, perfume making?
Would you be happy to have a hairdresser come to your house to do your hair?
Get rid of all your old clothes and get yourself so new pieces? Just make you feel good doesn't have to be expensive
Have you tried coding that's all the rage?
What about taking up cooking? You know fancy things or new weird recipes and or baking?
What about a dollhouse and decorating that?
Forums? Join Facebook support groups
buying new treat every week like a new book?

You can do this please don't give up

You have to learn to love yourself first before you can expect anyone else to love you. Loving yourself gives you confidence and will always help you to feel better.