I'm not suicidal, as in I won't actually kill myself.
But I have a constant thought in my head that I don't want to exist, I just want to stop being. I search a lot for pain free ways to just stop but I know there are none so I won't, and I would feel terrible for my children. But I also feel I should have some control over whether I exist or not, and currently I exist only for my DH and kids.
My job is destroying my confidence but I can't get another one. I've searched endlessly and there is literally nothing comparable I could apply for that wouldn't involve a massive worsening of lifestyle as currently I'm fully remote and part time for very good money. That compromise may be even worse than the hideous job. And if I took a lower level to have more options as there are very few opportunities at my level, the reality is I probably won't even get an interview as there are over 100 applicants for every job.
My beloved pets are all getting older now and suffering ill health and I feel no matter what I do for them it's not enough, they're still uncomfortable and just a clock ticking to the end with them now. They are the only thing that brings me joy.
My DH and I were in couples therapy as our communication is poor and I feel forever alone in an outwardly perfect relationship despite the fact he is kind and loves me. But I've stopped the therapy as we were getting nowhere, it was costing a fortune and now I feel things will never improve or be OK.
We live in an area that is so stupidly expensive - all our similar aged family and friends have far nicer houses than us by now and ours is nothing special at all, and too small really now the DCs are older. But there is literally nothing we could afford that's any better in this area. And we need to be here for DHs work, and the children are all settled in schools, it wouldn't be fair to move them. So a huge huge amount of £ goes on this building that doesn't feel like a home, that I don't love anymore.
I have a handful of friends, but no "best" friends. They are all friends that I see maybe once a quarter at most, perhaps for a night away. But in-between we don't contact each other. It's nice when we see each other. But nobody checks in, nobody I feel really knows me well. Nobody I think would care beyond the initial shock and a few tears that someone they knew is gone, if I were to die.
I find no enjoyment in anything anymore. My mind just runs over and over the past. Every day is groundhog day, work, housework, watch TV, sleep.
I've seen Dr's before. Because I don't present as crying they do nothing. But I'm exhausted. I don't want to keep doing this, there's no point and nothing is going to improve.