Don't want to exist

[LavenderSloe]

I'm not suicidal, as in I won't actually kill myself.

But I have a constant thought in my head that I don't want to exist, I just want to stop being. I search a lot for pain free ways to just stop but I know there are none so I won't, and I would feel terrible for my children. But I also feel I should have some control over whether I exist or not, and currently I exist only for my DH and kids.

My job is destroying my confidence but I can't get another one. I've searched endlessly and there is literally nothing comparable I could apply for that wouldn't involve a massive worsening of lifestyle as currently I'm fully remote and part time for very good money. That compromise may be even worse than the hideous job. And if I took a lower level to have more options as there are very few opportunities at my level, the reality is I probably won't even get an interview as there are over 100 applicants for every job.

My beloved pets are all getting older now and suffering ill health and I feel no matter what I do for them it's not enough, they're still uncomfortable and just a clock ticking to the end with them now. They are the only thing that brings me joy.

My DH and I were in couples therapy as our communication is poor and I feel forever alone in an outwardly perfect relationship despite the fact he is kind and loves me. But I've stopped the therapy as we were getting nowhere, it was costing a fortune and now I feel things will never improve or be OK.

We live in an area that is so stupidly expensive - all our similar aged family and friends have far nicer houses than us by now and ours is nothing special at all, and too small really now the DCs are older. But there is literally nothing we could afford that's any better in this area. And we need to be here for DHs work, and the children are all settled in schools, it wouldn't be fair to move them. So a huge huge amount of £ goes on this building that doesn't feel like a home, that I don't love anymore.

I have a handful of friends, but no "best" friends. They are all friends that I see maybe once a quarter at most, perhaps for a night away. But in-between we don't contact each other. It's nice when we see each other. But nobody checks in, nobody I feel really knows me well. Nobody I think would care beyond the initial shock and a few tears that someone they knew is gone, if I were to die.

I find no enjoyment in anything anymore. My mind just runs over and over the past. Every day is groundhog day, work, housework, watch TV, sleep.

I've seen Dr's before. Because I don't present as crying they do nothing. But I'm exhausted. I don't want to keep doing this, there's no point and nothing is going to improve.

Sorry I can’t help much, OP, but I feel the same way. I just didn’t want to read and run. I hope someone can offer some support

You've listed the thing you hate - your job - and your dissatisfaction with your relations and your lifestyle and you've reached the conclusion that not existing is the best solution to fixing these problems. But you won't do it as you know you'll scar your children for life (which is 100% true). Is it now time to look at other options?

You don't have to stay married. You don't have to stay in your job. You don't have to live in an expensive area. Yes, changing all/any of those will present difficulties but none of them come close to the devastation that the option you've decided is the only one would cause - not just to your immediate family but to your friends and wider community. Better to be that strong (wacky) woman who chucked it all in to live on a farm in the back of beyond to being another statistic.

Wish I had some advice for you. But just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I feel exactly the same. Sending love

Hi Op, sounds pretty tough. Sounds like your marriage is a big part of this. I think when we don't know what to do just changing one thing, and focussing on that can be helpful. And then once that is sorted see what's different, and how that affects everything else. Don't try to change everything at once. What change could you make now that would make the biggest difference in the short to medium term? And if you don't feel you can make the change now make a plan for how to change it and start implementing small steps.

Also maybe try to re-check in with your dreams and what inspires you, whatever they were at some point in the past if you don't have any now. For example, travelling, creativity, getting fit, running a business etc. Then find small ways you can focus on increasing that activity, could just be two to five minutes a day. Start small but be consistent. Eventually the seeds planted will grow but need regular watering. You need to rediscover or find a new passion that can sustain you.

@ethermint strangely, I was clearing notes on my phone and found a bucket list from 4 years ago. I've ticked off maybe 3. A lot of the others no longer appeal

@LavenderSloe do you have bigger dreams for your life as a whole? Like career-wise or something else? I realise you've pointed out the difficulties of moving job but even just looking into the alternatives, however unbelievable they might seem, might be helpful and spark your imagination. Or it might be something like sorting your garden, growing veg, go back to art class. Set up a blog or something.

Also maybe joining a part time weekly evening course could be a good idea. Just one thing that tickles your fancy - not necessarily related to something you want to do. I find a community setting really helpful for mental health.

I genuinely have no bigger dreams.

I've now got the job title I always wanted but, within this company, its a curse not a blessing. And there are no opportunities for me to have the same elsewhere, I've spent hours looking.

I used to want to travel but not easy with kids, work, finances. One holiday a year is lovely but doesn't override the other 11.5 months of hell to pay for it.

I have a major time consuming hobby - my horse. But like I said, she's not been well lately and so I can't enjoy her properly anymore and it's likely she will cost us thousands trying to sort her, which we don't have. So I have very little time for any other hobbies as between her, my work, and the kids hobbies that is every second gone.

I'm not really a people person, more about close connections than community.

Sorry to hear that. It all sounds pretty depressing not to have any dreams at all. Given you've lost all motivation it sounds like you will need counselling.

With the job have you thought about going freelance? Or approaching companies that don't have vacancies presently with a view to asking them if anything comes up? These things are always worth doing speculatively, because they will think of you as / when something arises.

Surely you can think of just a single thing that you can work on to change your life in one way (something small like daily exercise or something bigger like eventually leaving your husband or something). If you can't think of any way to move forwards, you need professional help I would suggest.

Finally could it be a health issue e.g. menopause or something? Might be worth looking into that kind of thing.

All the best!

What's the situation with the job? Is it a person who's making your life a misery? I hear you when you say you can't leave but is there anything that could make it more bearable?

It's the person above me, but HR will be absolutely no use. It's a put up or shut up situation.

well if your pets give you joy that is a pointer to.the direction you might find rewarding. Can you allow yourself to dream and dont think about the obstacles. if you could do anything in life what would it be ?
sending a hug also as it all sounds v hard at present x

I absolutely understand your pain as I feel the same myself. My pain is due to PTSD and I can't escape from it - ever. On paper I look 'fortunate' inside I constantly wish I was dead. Sorry I have no solutions - I've been on and off anti-d's for years now, but please know you are not alone. I too, love my dog more than the world. Sometimes I keep telling myself there are so many more I could care for. And I know I'm fortunate to be able to have her. That helps.

Another person here who feels very similar, except I have no friends at all. Work is very hard. A previous divorce impoverished me. I'm old but can't afford to retire and probably never will. I went to sleep a couple of hours ago as life was getting too much and I hoped I wouldn't wake, but I have to keep going for those who depend on me.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health mental health resources. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
All the best.

How old are you? Just asking as there can be symptoms of peri which for some people (me included) can leave you feeling as you describe.

One thought that helps me - life will change, that's a certainty. Nothing stays the same. This is a low period but there will be brighter days ahead.

It is sensible to have a few blood tests so go back to the GP. Low Vit D can cause depression, same with hormonal fluctuations. There would be a physical reason. How is your sleep?

I think the answer is to change your job. There’s always a way. Lots of good career advice can be found in these forums.

You can’t thrive around toxic people.

A bit of escapism and newness each day would maybe add some me variety to your thoughts. Can you give yourself an episode or two of a good tv series each night? This genuinely helps me when things are bleak. Just a little part of the day that I can look forward to.

I'm early 40s. I suppose peri meno is a possibility, but I've felt like this on and off for years now it's just getting worse.

I absolutely think leaving my job would help but honestly there's just no way that I can see. Without outing myself, the combination of level I've got to, salary, hours etc is unheard of in my industry and there is really nothing comparable that I can find. Yes I could make compromises but those are likely to also impact by mental health eg if I had to increase my hours. I would be willing to compromise by slightly lower pay or going back down a level but I just won't get interviews as it would look too bizarre why I was doing that. Think if an MD started applying for Exec jobs. You might have a totally valid reason but with 100s of applicants, won't ever get chance to explain as they'll just discount the application for being a poor fit. I would absolutely love a new job, I think the relief would be humongous. I can't think of any other careers I could start again with so late in life that would offer a fraction of my income - DH and I are equal earners so if I quit, i pull 50% of the finances out from the family. And we couldn't afford to keep my horse who is the main thing that keeps me going. So it's all a huge catch 22.

@LavenderSloe - What I would say is - not existing is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If your friends have better houses - who cares ( well you obviously do ) Do you define yourself by your job / house or just earning / salary - usually if 2 high earners there is a way to make things work. Even if it were to mean moving house. I am sure all these things are not what you want to think about . But some do & are the happier for it. I wish you well whatever you choose but I would say - some counselling or indeed the GP given your 1st post could be a decent step. 💐

Have you tried to get a different job? The world of work has changed because there are very few candidates and wfh is usually standard for many roles.

If you are so unhappy you need to make a change in one area - the job seems the easiest.

If you land a different job with less salary then you can start to review finances. There will be optins that you can see yet

You may also be burnt out - if that's the case them extended rest is needed. Could you take sick leave?

Yes I've been looking daily on LinkedIn jobs, every job that I could potentially apply for has between 100-200 applicants. And the majority that say Remote actually mean hybrid, so expect you in the office at least a couple of days a week which means location is a limiting factor

What's the problem with him/her? Maybe there's a strategy to help you minimise the damage it's doing to you.