Hello all,
I gave much thought about unburdening here today but I feel like I need to vent, there is no reason other than perhaps reiterate to myself I'm doing the right thing, the only thing to do given my circumstances.
My son is three and has recently been put into the spectrum. He's very delayed in his speech, won't socialise with other children although he's been attending a private facility since October - he's great with adults though, will only eat mashed foods - some foods, that is, and are far from leaving his nappies behind.
His father and I split when he was 8 months old and I currently live with my husband of 10 years (there was this hiatus in our relationship when I got pregnant from this other guy) and my son.
My boy sees his father on the weekends but since I noticed the sleepovers were distressing to him I manipulated my ex into only having visits or if my son needs to sleep there I sleep there too with the boy. Side note: I highly suspect the autism was triggered when the courts decided my son then one had to stay overnight with his father having been used to sleeping with me only his whole life. At the moment my interaction with that man is peaceful and friendly, it takes me a great deal of pretending since I have not much respect for the man, but in order not to upset my son more I make the sacrifice.
I love my son but I have regretted becoming a mother ever since I can remember. I hate everything about it. The constant chores, the obligations, the lack of sleep, the all-consuming demands but I got on with it in the hope of when he grows up and become more independent I could have a little life again. And what an amazing life I had before my son, I was free, I had money, I travelled, read, slept and had fun. I was attractive enough so men's heads were turned when I passed. Even though I don't really enjoy working I was able to do my job with my eyes shut and earn decent money.
Not anymore, now I became a very pale shell of what I once was and with the lack of perspective I don't have anything to look forward to.
My son is likely to be like that for forever, I know it sounds insane but I can very well see me in 10 years still changing his dirty diapers and mashing his food.
Life for me is over. I want to end it all. My son would be better off with his stupid father anyways, the man is a doorknob, basic as hell, but at least he's stable enough and loves the boy.
I can't take it anymore with the costs, the work, the neverending drudgery of a role I have always been unfit for since day one and now much worse. I have decided to end my suffering. Selfish I know but I can't tolerate this hell of life any longer.
Thanks for listening