The end

[SONofaB]

Hello all,

I gave much thought about unburdening here today but I feel like I need to vent, there is no reason other than perhaps reiterate to myself I'm doing the right thing, the only thing to do given my circumstances.

My son is three and has recently been put into the spectrum. He's very delayed in his speech, won't socialise with other children although he's been attending a private facility since October - he's great with adults though, will only eat mashed foods - some foods, that is, and are far from leaving his nappies behind.

His father and I split when he was 8 months old and I currently live with my husband of 10 years (there was this hiatus in our relationship when I got pregnant from this other guy) and my son.

My boy sees his father on the weekends but since I noticed the sleepovers were distressing to him I manipulated my ex into only having visits or if my son needs to sleep there I sleep there too with the boy. Side note: I highly suspect the autism was triggered when the courts decided my son then one had to stay overnight with his father having been used to sleeping with me only his whole life. At the moment my interaction with that man is peaceful and friendly, it takes me a great deal of pretending since I have not much respect for the man, but in order not to upset my son more I make the sacrifice.

I love my son but I have regretted becoming a mother ever since I can remember. I hate everything about it. The constant chores, the obligations, the lack of sleep, the all-consuming demands but I got on with it in the hope of when he grows up and become more independent I could have a little life again. And what an amazing life I had before my son, I was free, I had money, I travelled, read, slept and had fun. I was attractive enough so men's heads were turned when I passed. Even though I don't really enjoy working I was able to do my job with my eyes shut and earn decent money.
Not anymore, now I became a very pale shell of what I once was and with the lack of perspective I don't have anything to look forward to.

My son is likely to be like that for forever, I know it sounds insane but I can very well see me in 10 years still changing his dirty diapers and mashing his food.

Life for me is over. I want to end it all. My son would be better off with his stupid father anyways, the man is a doorknob, basic as hell, but at least he's stable enough and loves the boy.

I can't take it anymore with the costs, the work, the neverending drudgery of a role I have always been unfit for since day one and now much worse. I have decided to end my suffering. Selfish I know but I can't tolerate this hell of life any longer.
Thanks for listening

@SONofaB are you there? Please talk to me. I was so sorry to read your post - not because I don't understand how you feel, I do, but because it would be such a great tragedy for you to bring yourself to any harm. Your son won't always be a 3 year old boy, yes his life and yours might look different to how you expected it might but you can put things in place for you to both gain greater independence over time - you need some proper support, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this? X

@SONofaB We're here, we're listening, and there are people in real life who will listen as well. Could you call the Samaritans (116 123), if there is no one close to you you feel able to speak to?

Your son will grow and progress, and there is support available to help families with special needs children. Things can get better – please reach out and let people help you get there.

Hello OP,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]]
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I hear you OP. I feel very similarly. Nobody understands how utterly soul destroying being a parent carer can be. It's honestly like game over much of the time. Life turned on its head. Never the same again. All your hopes and dreams quashed. I'm sorry. I understand 😢

Is your husband supportive? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Perhaps son's father can take over more care so you have a break and can spend more time with your husband.