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Original poster

Overcoming driving anxiety

141 replies

MunsteadWood · 13/01/2023 17:26

Had previous thread deleted as worried it was too identifying. Here's a shorter version.

I've been suffering with driving anxiety for several years which leads to me avoiding driving often for long periods at a time. I hate this about myself, and am increasingly starting to feel trapped by the anxiety as I'm so often opting out of doing things / going places I would enjoy because I'd have to drive to get there. I really want to fix it.

My analysis is that it's a combination of many years of very little or no driving (passed test young then had a good decade or more of barely needing to drive as I lived in London etc. Plus a couple of bad experiences - one an accident, not at all my fault (I was a passenger, and it was the other vehicles who were at fault rather than DH and me) but our car was written off, plus one near miss many years ago which was a result of a stupid error of judgement on my part (no accident caused but very scary).

DH and I now live in a small town where we don't need to drive, but doing so really enhances our quality of life as there are lots of lovely places in the nearby countryside to visit etc.

I've tried refresher lessons, which helped a bit (the instructor basically said I could drive perfectly fine, there's no problem technically) and read a few self help type books but still can't shift the feeling of dread.

But I want so badly to fix it! I've agreed to drive somewhere local tomorrow, which I really don't want to do, but im going to make myself. And I've sent off a few enquiries about CBT type therapy.

Has anyone else experienced this and overcome it? I want so badly to feel comfortable about - or even enjoy - driving.

OP posts:
Worryant · 09/02/2023 13:20

Hi, I read this thread and really felt I’d found people who understood ! How is everyone getting on with driving?
I haven’t driven in over a year - I passed in 2017 but had limited driving experience after the test. I then had my children and both times didn’t want to drive pregnant (bad morning sickness all nine months) and am then terrified to drive with a small child once they’re here!
I don’t feel ready to drive alone, but also don’t want to drive with the children in the car yet so finding time to practise is just impossible. I’ve done pass plus and had extra lessons. Nothing seems to work! Have downloaded the cbt recommendation upthread and I just wondered how everyone was getting on.

Catspyjamas17 · 09/02/2023 13:23

Necessity was the mother of invention for me. Found that I had to drive (or it was much easier to drive) after having DD1 and just became more confident through driving regularly.

SilverShadowNight · 09/02/2023 18:13

I'm still having additional lessons with my old instructor where we put me in situations that I am anxious about and see how I get on. Easier said than done, but the challenge is in doing it.

I'd be interested in how others are going on.

PawMaw · 12/02/2023 15:44

Small update from me

I'm not sure what worked for me, CBT or the advanced lessons but something has just clicked.

I haven't been out on my own but that's more to do with having no need than anything else, but I have been doing all the driving for the last week or so. DH has started to relax as a passenger thank fuck. I finally feel like I know what I'm doing. I think that's more to do with accepting that no one is perfect (CBT!) and any mistakes I've made I've been calm with and it makes the whole situation less stressful.

Biggest achievement- I haven't took a single propranolol in over a week

GreyaSlipereva · 12/02/2023 20:28

That is fantastic! You are so right. No one drives perfectly, which is a relaxing thought 😊

SilverShadowNight · 13/02/2023 08:22

I've done more driving this weekend. Still get nervous before I go. I did mess up reversing onto my drive too, but finally sorted it.

The driving instructor I watch on YouTube also reiterated that you will make mistakes and that you just have to accept that. I know that when I put myself under more pressure the more mistakes I make, and the more I relax the better I drive.

Catspyjamas17 · 13/02/2023 09:55

GreyaSlipereva · 12/02/2023 20:28

That is fantastic! You are so right. No one drives perfectly, which is a relaxing thought 😊

No, indeed not. And if you are nervous you are probably concentrating very hard on driving well and doing better than 80% of others. It's a case of developing it as a habit so you get out of fight or flight mode and another part of your brain deals with things while you are driving.

Original poster
MunsteadWood · 13/02/2023 22:07

Lovely to see these updates! Well done @PawMaw and @SilverShadowNight , amazing progress.

I've been doing a bit more driving too, just local journeys, and feeling a bit better about it. I still get anxious but I think my determination not be held back is spurring me to get past it - like I've realised after several years of just hoping it'll somehow go away that that's not going to happen unless I take some action.

I think for me a big barrier now is parking. My house is on street parking only and it's often quite congested, so the return home is a worry even if I feel ok about the rest of the drive. DH is looking into upgrading our car so I've told him I want ALL the parking assistance gadgets he can get, but I probably also ought to just do some practice...

You've reminded me @PawMaw that I started the CBT linked by a PP but then let it slip, so I'm going to dig that out again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MunsteadWood · 13/02/2023 22:12

Sorry to hear you're struggling too @Worryant. I really identify with what you say about driving with DC in the back. For me it often makes the worrying so much worse because I end up hyper-aware of being responsible for their safety. But I'm also trying to focus on them to help me overcome it - because I so want to be able to just jump in the car and drive them somewhere fun. It's hard though, you're not alone.

OP posts:
Justforthissnippet · 14/02/2023 10:10

I can’t even imagine getting to a stage of either driving alone or with DC! Just me and someone who I guess deep down I see as a proper adult!

Worryant · 14/02/2023 18:54

I’ve finally done it and self referred for CBT on nhs. I also bought the cbt course someone recommended up thread. I’m determined to crack this.

Totally true that everyone makes mistakes - it’d be interesting to know how many people struggling with this tend to lean towards being a perfectionist. My other half reiterates all the time to me that every driver slips up, he has been driving for nearly twenty years and still makes errors. I just can’t seem to relax around that idea!

SilverShadowNight · 14/02/2023 22:22

@Worryant I am a perfectionist and find myself dwelling on mistakes, to put it mildly.

I find it hard to be easy on myself too.

Plus I'm very geographically challenged, which doesn't help either.

GreyaSlipereva · 15/02/2023 20:22

Geographically challenged, that’s me… and a lack of spacial awareness 😁

Original poster
MunsteadWood · 16/02/2023 08:17

Me three! One of my least favourite types of driving is residential streets with cars parked down either side. I'm constantly worrying I'm going to misjudge a gap and take a wing mirror off. Sadly my street is one of these streets!

OP posts:
GreyaSlipereva · 16/02/2023 20:14

Mine too! Hence the parking worries….

Essexgirlupnorth · 16/02/2023 21:38

I passed my test at 19 and then didn't drive for about 9 years afterwards mainly because didn't need or couldn't afford a car. Had some refresher lessons when my boyfriend (now husband) insured me on his car. Was a pretty nervous driver and used to avoid it as much as possible but much better now. Agree with pp you need to drive. Driving new places does make me nervous (especially parking!) and having driving a long distance on motorways but I'm much better and can get to where I need to go.

Turefu · 16/02/2023 22:18

I’m glad I found this thread. I drive, but only on small, rural roads. I’m scared to speed up. 40 miles per hour is ok for me, 50 is struggle. I don’t know why? I used to be ok driver, never great, never liked motorways, but I drove on them. Now I’m just scared to drive fast, 60 miles per hour. I worked from home, it was ok, but know I’ll have hybrid working and need to drive to the city 30 miles away. I’m anxious even by thinking about it.

Chipnpotato · 28/02/2023 15:12

Very happy to see myself in such good company! I can see myself described in so many of these posts. I avoid driving at all costs. I simply hate it. I've had a license for more than half of my life (I'm 46) but having moved to London just a couple of years after passing my test I actually have very little practical driving experience. I think I let this snowball and create problems in my head and just generally make it into something much bigger than it is! I've had lessons, CBT, more lessons. I can just about drive if my husband is in the car with me and then I rely on him to help my every move. Nothing is intuitive or feels like it comes naturally. It's getting to the stage where my young kids (I'm an older mum) will start to miss out if I don't get this in check. I'd love to jump in the car and take them places but it feels insurmountable. I have watched a few videos from 1stdrive.com and am tempted to pay the very large amount of money to him to see if he can help!! I am loving these positive stories though and wish everyone so much encouragement.

Mirabai · 28/02/2023 15:29

@Chipnpotato sounds like you need to do a residential course where you do nothing but drive.

It’s not that you can drive it’s that you haven’t actually finished learning yet. Once you’ve learned how do so something it comes naturally (even if you don’t like doing it) you’ve never got to that stage.

Mirabai · 28/02/2023 15:35

can drive

can’t

Chipnpotato · 28/02/2023 15:40

Thank you @Mirabai I haven't actually considered that. When I do drive I sort of enjoy it. I think I sense what freedom I'd have if only I could just get over myself! Tomorrow I'm doing the school run. I have a weird nervous excitement. Of course it's nearby. It's a route I'm familiar with and parking isn't a problem. I'm going to look into residential.

Angharad78 · 28/02/2023 16:58

i have found my people. So many of the stories on this thread resonate with me and I’m inspired by those of you facing your fear so I’m doing it. I’ve got another 5 months of mat leave and I’m going to use it to master driving. On Friday, I am going to the supermarket!

GreyaSlipereva · 28/02/2023 20:21

Mirabai · 28/02/2023 15:29

@Chipnpotato sounds like you need to do a residential course where you do nothing but drive.

It’s not that you can drive it’s that you haven’t actually finished learning yet. Once you’ve learned how do so something it comes naturally (even if you don’t like doing it) you’ve never got to that stage.

I like this - it’s not that you can’t drive, it’s that you haven’t finished learning yet. That’s the key…

Runaround50 · 28/02/2023 20:43

I have this anxiety, but mine started around the time of the menopause. I suddenly woke up one day full of anxiety around getting in the car and driving.

It's slightly better now, but I have to drive where I live ( semi rural).

What I hate, is dark windy county roads with NO street lights!!

SilverShadowNight · 28/02/2023 22:41

I'm trying to get out more and just drive. I've driven for the last 3 days, not massively far on two of them, but I still got out.

I know that the anxiety is unreasonable, I find who I am driving with makes a big difference too, and it's harder on my own, even if my passenger is a non driver.

Hopefully the anxiety will start to subside soon, confronting the fear and all that.

How's everyone else getting on?