Overcoming driving anxiety

[MunsteadWood]

Had previous thread deleted as worried it was too identifying. Here's a shorter version.

I've been suffering with driving anxiety for several years which leads to me avoiding driving often for long periods at a time. I hate this about myself, and am increasingly starting to feel trapped by the anxiety as I'm so often opting out of doing things / going places I would enjoy because I'd have to drive to get there. I really want to fix it.

My analysis is that it's a combination of many years of very little or no driving (passed test young then had a good decade or more of barely needing to drive as I lived in London etc. Plus a couple of bad experiences - one an accident, not at all my fault (I was a passenger, and it was the other vehicles who were at fault rather than DH and me) but our car was written off, plus one near miss many years ago which was a result of a stupid error of judgement on my part (no accident caused but very scary).

DH and I now live in a small town where we don't need to drive, but doing so really enhances our quality of life as there are lots of lovely places in the nearby countryside to visit etc.

I've tried refresher lessons, which helped a bit (the instructor basically said I could drive perfectly fine, there's no problem technically) and read a few self help type books but still can't shift the feeling of dread.

But I want so badly to fix it! I've agreed to drive somewhere local tomorrow, which I really don't want to do, but im going to make myself. And I've sent off a few enquiries about CBT type therapy.

Has anyone else experienced this and overcome it? I want so badly to feel comfortable about - or even enjoy - driving.

A friend of mine got over hers by doing a residential course and driving solidly with an instructor. After that she had no more problems at all.

Well done @MunsteadWood I have suffered with driving anxiety since I passed my test ten years ago but even learning and passing was very stressful for me. I am often anxious about different things in my life and after a build up, saw a therapist last year. I talked to her about the driving amongst other things and she used something called acceptance and commitment therapy. She helped me understand why the anxiety was there and worked on how I can accept it when it happens but also did an exercise where I identified my values and goals so that when faced with the anxiety, I could remember them in order to push through it.

I am still struggling with the driving but last year I got a cradle for my phone and starting using Google maps to navigate and have pushed myself to drive a few more new routes. I found buying things on Facebook marketplace useful as it forced me to drive to new places in my town and although they were only journeys within a 15 min radius it boosted my confidence a bit.

I have two children like you and I passed my test just before I had my first child in order that I'd be able to take them more places. I certainly get mum guilt when I don't take them places and want to do better.

I have had similar feelings. What has helped me are two things:

One was to choose a circular route and take it once a week. There was something useful about getting to know one journey really well. Makes you feel more confident even on new drives.

The other might not be a thing for you, but I struggled with parking anxiety as I park on the road but hate doing parallel parking. I walk round my local streets and spot places which look easier to park are not outside a front door i.e. spaces that don't 'belong' to anyone in particular. This means I am more likely to use the car as I have a plan a, b and c for when I get home

Hope that helps? 🙃

Thanks for the messages. I drove again today, just a very short journey in the town (and one I could have walked if I'd wanted to... and I was very tempted) but thought good to challenge myself to do it.

I totally agree with your point on parking @GreyaSlipereva as I'm the same. Where we live it's on street parking only and the street is often quite busy so I think that's often a barrier for me as wherever I go I know I need to park when I get home, and I panic about getting it wrong scratching our / a neighbours car.

I often tell DH when I'm on my way home and get him to look out for me so he can nip out and park for me when I get back, but he was out today so I had to do it myself. I ended up going for an easy space I could drive straight into down the end of the road rather than attempting parallel parking in the space outside my front door (!) but I'm still counting it as a win.

I managed to reverse park into a bay at the place I drove to which I'm really pleased about, even though I had to wait a good 5-10 mins in the car for the car park to empty (so no one was "watching" me) while I did it, and it took a good 3 or 4 attempts...

I'm thinking about booking a lesson or two just to practice parking...

Also love the idea about familiar routes. I find I'm weirdly much happier driving in the town where I originally learnt and passed my test, and I think it's because in my mind those routes feel "safer" because I can remember happily driving them back before all this anxiety started.

I really like the idea of plan b and plan c parking @GreyaSlipereva - am going to have a look for those spots near me

Instead of thinking " ill drive tomorrow " and it becoming a big event in your mind and overnight, do a little drive straight away.

Interesting to read about acceptance and commitment therapy @Snozwanger. Would you say it helped you?

I've also been going through the Facing Your Fears doc shared by @empireemmy up thread (thank you!) which is really interesting and like many of you I think is suggesting that just getting out there and trying it (even starting with just sitting in the car) is the way to go.

I got a bit of this and didn’t know why. Then I realised that I was actually very stressed and anxious in other areas of my life. When that stress improved my driving anxiety did too

I’m glad you’ve posted this thread. It’s so strange, as I had just come on here and done a search for driving anxiety and a
current thread came up.

I’m in a similar position. I had a small bump when learning to drive which really shook my confidence. I went ahead and passed my test first time in my teens, but then never really drove after that, always using the excuse that I didn’t need to.

After I had DC3 I had to start driving again as the only available nursery was too far to walk. I took lessons with a lovely teacher who had experience dealing with nervous drivers and forced myself to do it. I pretty much only drove the route to nursery and back though. DC3 is now in Kindergarten, which is walking distance, so I’m now back to avoiding driving whenever I can. If it’s pouring with rain then I’d rather walk than get in the car.

Recently I’ve had to start taking DC3 to a weekly appointment that I have to drive to. The night before I dread it. The first time I went on Google maps to check out the routes and parking. I get really stressed with parking (no chance at parallel parking!), changing lanes and big junctions.

The stupid thing is that our drive is really tight to park in. I have to reverse out onto a main road to get out and then coming home reverse into a tight spot. That’s absolutely fine, yet having to do something similar elsewhere fills me with fear.

One thing I find helpful is to pay attention when DH is driving - when he’s changing lanes or at big junctions etc. I should drive more when he’s with me but he’s a terrible teacher.

I think I need to go back and take lessons with the same teacher again to get me driving on the motorway, which is a no go at the moment. Also as the DC get older it will be unfair on them not to do things just because I’m afraid of driving to new places or on busier roads. I think the fear increases with DC as I’m scared of being in an accident because of my driving skills.

Sorry - that was all very long, but it’s nice to know there are others in the same situation!

@MunsteadWood I'm pleased my thoughts made sense and I totally agree about feeling most comfortable driving the routes from when you were learning 😊

I've never got the hand of reversing into a parking space, so well impressed with that!

@chloechloe I'm really glad a did a motorway lesson, some really useful tips. I now find motorway driving the simplest kind, even though it's faster...

There is really only one solution to this. Drive more frequently until it becomes more routine & less scary. Start by going out at quiet times. Is there an industrial estate near you which is quiet in the evenings or at weekends? If so, go there and just drive around & practice manoeuvring until you get bored of it. Your instructor said you could drive perfectly well, so you absolutely can do this. You just need to tell yourself to do it.

@MunsteadWood The therapy definitely helped as I finally had some acknowledgement of what I was feeling but I now feel I have the tools to deal with it which I didn't before. I always felt I was in a recurring cycle of having something awful happen to me and then me not being able to deal with it.

The difficulty now is being strong and implementing the things she suggested! Things like breathing techniques, focussing on values and goals, taking time for self care.

I also have a journal which helps in difficult times. I even listed some places I'd avoided driving, wrote down the distances and ticked them off when I did them.

Well done @MunsteadWood getting out and doing it...
I have the perfect excuse not to atm as the battery went flat on my car in the cold weather as I use it so infrequently!
It's strange as many people have mentioned about being anxious of parking . But I could park for England. As an adult I have always lived on roads with only street parking so I've become a pro at parallel parking . It's the one aspect of driving I'm not nervous about 🤣

So many of us in the same situation, I'm 9 years passed and have drove probably 80 miles (excluding lessons) since then.

I completed passplus course just after passing and a couple of refresher lessons around 5 years ago, but my phobia just seemed to get worse and worse. Even watching driving videos on YouTube caused panic attacks.

Last Saturday I decided enough is enough. I booked an advanced drive course to start next week, completed a driving CBT online course and downloaded a driving hypnosis program.

On the Sunday I popped a propranolol and was able to drive around a car park for 10 minutes, although I sat shaking for for a good half hour before my DH convinced me to turn the ignition on.

Haven't been back out driving all week but today just a week on, after working on the CBT course and listening to the hypnosis every night for a week I was able to jump in the car (with DH!) and drive around my town for an hour this morning.

Not sure if it was the CBT or the hypnosis but I'll give details of both

Udemy - Overcome fear of driving with CBT

Mark Bowden- Overcome fear of driving hypnotherapy session

So pleased I've found this thread.
Lots of great advice.
I'm really struggling with driving anxiety.
Feel embarrassed and a failure not being able to be a 'normal' Mum ferrying my dc around and going on trips out and I'm sure family think I'm avoiding them as I just can't bring myself to drive to the town they live.
It's really affected my confidence in other areas of my life too as I feel incompetent.

I find chewing gum helps me focus when driving. I'm not sure why!

😂 And music can help….

Well done for driving! Am in a very similar situation (also identify with DH's feelings about nice car and I know he would be annoyed if I damaged it, even if only slightly) and this me encouragement. Good to know others feel the same but that it can be overcome.

Are you feeling generally anxious? I ask as I had a bit of a breakdown and went onto anti depressants. I have been completely astounded that I can suddenly drive well and confidently, I even drove across country in the dark last week which is something I used to absolutely hate doing and it was totally fine. I can’t reverse into carpark spaces but I had to last week as an attendant was ushering me in and there was no other way, I was shit at it and when he realised he helped me and we had a giggle , and I was fine about it and didn’t get all worked up.

just something to consider . It’s been one of the biggest benefits of my medication.

And just to add, I had to drive my dc to school when they were in primary, and every single day for the last year I did it (when my driving anxiety had got very bad), I wondered if this would be the day I would crash. It was such a problem for me. I really couldn’t believe it when I suddenly realised how much I was enjoying driving again.

Well done, OP! I've always been anxious about driving. I now live about three miles from the supermarket, and after (probably) a couple of hundred times of driving there, suddenly realised last week that I was finding it easy!
I tend to avoid the big roads and driving at night, though

I had/have this. I googled fear of driving instructors and found someone local to me who specialises in this.

He spoke to me on the phone first and I finally felt understood! I cried and realised how much described been holding on to. And I drove daily at this point. I jusT hated it! The instructor gets it and it had transformed my driving!

It’s nice to read so many positive messages of people overcoming this!

I survived the trip with DC3 to take him to his appointment on Monday. It’s usually impossible to park there but I found an easy spot (after rejecting the first available one which meant parallel parking!) The conditions were horrible though as it was frosty with the early morning sun shining right in my eyes but it was ok. I really hate it when visibility is bad, I find night driving horrible too.

DC2 has come home with a birthday invitation to a party on the other side of town so I’m already planning roping DH to run here there and back although I know I should take her myself.

So nice to read so many examples of people getting past this. Sorry to all those who are struggling with it too. I haven't driven again since the weekend as I don't tend to need to in the week but I'm gearing up for some more driving this weekend, and actually feeling a bit better about the prospect of it. I think I need to pick a few useful routes and get myself familiar with them, which i guess just means not letting myself have too long a break without driving and sticking to those routes until they feel familiar / comfortable.

@KylieCharlene I totally identify with what you said about feeling like a failure and not a "normal" mum. My DC are totally fine and we have lots of fun but if I'm honest if weren't for my fear of driving we'd probably get out and about much more than we do (rather than always going to the local park because we can walk there). That's a big driver for me to get past this.

@GreyaSlipereva definitely agree about music! Or audiobooks, especially kids ones if I've got DC in the back.

@melonraspberry Thanks for sharing your experience. I definitely would categorise myself as a slightly anxious person. Some days it is worse than others, and driving is definitely where it manifests worse, but I also get anxious about work sometimes (particularly public speaking) and a bit of social anxiety. Probably the driving anxiety is linked to those two - something about not trusting or having confidence in my own abilities. Great to hear the medication helped you so much.