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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

109 replies

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:54

My parents have got involved with an arguement between my husband and I - a silly arguement where I snapped at him and he snapped at me back (for context it was because I couldnt hear him in a loud environment and he just kept shouting and getting cross that I couldnt hear). For some reason my dad felt the need to get involved and laid into me for snapping to the point where I walked away to get a breather and calm down.

Both of my parents didnt speak to me for 5 days - telling my husband that they were going to ignore me and hope that I could see how much upset I have caused. I found messages on the joint ipad which my dh is logged into from my parents to my dh slagging me off. They have told him not forgive me until I apologise. My dh is therefore not speaking to me either. Subsequently my other siblings are now ignoring me too, presumably because they have been told to by my parents.

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

I literally now have no one apart from 2 friends who cant understand what I have done to warrant this behaviour. They have told me its emotional abuse and to cut my family off.

I do need to apologise to my dh for snapping - if he ever speaks or looks at me again!!! but this would have been over with by now if my parents hadnt got invovled. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I feel isolated and am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

OP posts:
MRSE20 · 14/10/2022 12:57

What did you say to DH when you snapped at him?

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 12:58

What did you say when you snapped at him? Need some context here.

Watchkeys · 14/10/2022 12:58

am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

This is the classic mindset of an abuse victim. It's the reason people stay in abusive relationships: they feel hurt, but they think they're wrong to feel hurt, i.e. they blame themselves.

If you think there might be emotional abuse between you and another person, stay away from that person. No ifs, no buts, no reasoning, no blame. Simply create distance.

If you spend your time with people who make you feel uncomfortable, you'll be uncomfortable. If you choose to be somewhere that feels better, you'll feel better.

You're in charge.

Original poster
Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:59

I said "stop fucking shouting at me and getting cross because I cant hear you" he then said "what is your fucking problem"

OP posts:
Anydaynowonewouldhope · 14/10/2022 13:00

Yes it’s awful emotional abuse

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 13:01

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:59

I said "stop fucking shouting at me and getting cross because I cant hear you" he then said "what is your fucking problem"

Then yes you're both in the wrong so it's emotional abuse.

Cut your parents off.

Original poster
Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:01

My dad then launched into shouting at me for ruining a family event

OP posts:
LovelyChicken · 14/10/2022 13:01

Your parents sound awful, but so does your DH who is ganging up with your parents to bully you and giving you the silent treatment.

Sunnyqueen · 14/10/2022 13:04

Hmmm its a little suss for everyone to be against you yet you are right and everyone else is wrong and they are all abusing you?In my experience this is unlikely and you are omitting or spinning certain facts here. Most people who do this tend to actually be the abusive ones.

Sorry if thats not right but having been in an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relaptionship that is textbook.

MRSE20 · 14/10/2022 13:04

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:59

I said "stop fucking shouting at me and getting cross because I cant hear you" he then said "what is your fucking problem"

If you had said “I fucking hate you, and all my family. Hope you all die” I’d understand them all being hurt. But Jesus Christ, what a crazy bunch are they!

I’m sorry OP, look you shouldn’t of snapped but we all do from time to time don’t we? I just can’t imagine my husband and my parents doing this to me. Having a chat slagging you off? Seriously

Why are your parents even getting involved, fair enough my mum might say “don’t say that!” But that would be it. I can’t imagine it going beyond that to the point she won’t talk to me unless I apologise to her multiple times.

This has blown so over proportion

I think my DH would be hurt if I snapped at him like that because I try my best not to swear even if I get irritated but I think he’d understand I was agitated and would move on from it. This is just mad

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/10/2022 13:04

I can't believe your DH isn't talking to you because his in laws told him not to. Sounds like you'd be better off without the lot of them

Wibbli · 14/10/2022 13:05

@Hearttakesover your parents had no right in bringing themselves and your wider family into this argument. They are blackmailing you and that is awful. Speak with your husband about how much this is hurting and upsetting you but I would want an apology from your parents. There must be something bigger going on for them to act like that to you. Keep your distance from them and tell DH that if he wants to stay married, he keeps your private life between the two of you!

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 13:07

Why are your parents getting involved like your a naughty toddler?

End of the day, it's nothing to do with them! You didn't tell them fuck off or whatever, they are making it about them. I would just simply reply "that's fine, you owe me an apology for getting involved in my relationship."

Original poster
Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:07

For context my dh has no family. His parents died when he was young and has no siblings so my parents are essentially his only family. This isnt the first time this has happened but not on such a big scale.

This isnt the first incident with my parents either but they have become few and far between since I got married and moved out.

OP posts:
MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 13:08

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:07

For context my dh has no family. His parents died when he was young and has no siblings so my parents are essentially his only family. This isnt the first time this has happened but not on such a big scale.

This isnt the first incident with my parents either but they have become few and far between since I got married and moved out.

I would tell him in that case then if he involves them again in future you'll not hesitate to divorce him and that he needs to sort this bloody mess out.
This isn't your fault OP, your parents and husband are abusive.

Original poster
Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:11

Sunnyqueen · 14/10/2022 13:04

Hmmm its a little suss for everyone to be against you yet you are right and everyone else is wrong and they are all abusing you?In my experience this is unlikely and you are omitting or spinning certain facts here. Most people who do this tend to actually be the abusive ones.

Sorry if thats not right but having been in an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relaptionship that is textbook.

This is why I have done this thread. I literally have no one apart from 2 friends who dont live near. They have told me to walk away - I feel hurt, guilt etc

OP posts:
Teddyhasgonetobed · 14/10/2022 13:12

Your parents wow, as grown adults should realise taking sides is not a positive or healthy response to both you and your husbands quarrel. Far better to stand back and let you both sort it out between you. Now they have created so much drama by dragging in the whole family. My advice would be to put out the olive branch to your partner but explain why you snapped in frustration of the situation as he was also shouting at you. But take a step back from the family no need to say anything just grey rock! Please highlight to your partner you will not take kindly if he trys to recruit your parents in future in personal attacks against you. Obviously if he doesn't take this well I wish you all the best and hope you have the courage to not continue being the family scape goat.

MRSE20 · 14/10/2022 13:13

@Hearttakesover That is very sad for your DH that his parents died. It must be very hard for him

However, I don’t agree with stealing your parents and them being on his side. At the end of the day they are still your mum and dad and not his.

Hankunamatata · 14/10/2022 13:13

What was the family event?

Foreverinblue · 14/10/2022 13:20

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:11

This is why I have done this thread. I literally have no one apart from 2 friends who dont live near. They have told me to walk away - I feel hurt, guilt etc

Show quote history

I'm not sure you're quite getting what @Sunnyqueen is getting at here OP...unless I'm the one who's reading it wrong?

When you say this is not the first time thus has happened, are you referring to your whole family 'ganging up' on you and telling everyone, including your husband, to cut you off?

Original poster
Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:26

Foreverinblue · 14/10/2022 13:20

I'm not sure you're quite getting what @Sunnyqueen is getting at here OP...unless I'm the one who's reading it wrong?

When you say this is not the first time thus has happened, are you referring to your whole family 'ganging up' on you and telling everyone, including your husband, to cut you off?

Show quote history

No, I know what they are getting at. They are asking if I am the abuser. Which is why I have done this thread - I have no one in RL apart from 2 friends who have told me to walk. Which is why i wanted opinions on whether i am overreacting.

Happened before as in ive been given the silent treatment by my parents for not doing what they feel is right - for going out with previous boyfriends that they didnt agree with, for not taking a job that they thought I should have etc

OP posts:
unsync · 14/10/2022 13:33

Sounds very patriarchal? The senior male is in charge and everyone just kowtows and does what he wants / they are told to do.

Foreverinblue · 14/10/2022 13:38

On the surface, of course it sounds like their behaviour is appalling, along with your husband's too and on that basis I would call it abuse.

No-one can decide if you are also abusive based on that one example, although I'm not asking you to write a list of all the times you've been 'out of order' so the people of MN can assess, judge, criticise.

If this is a long-term and recurring theme in your life, regardless of who's to blame, I'd consider some form of counselling to talk it through with a professional and hopefully this will help you to move forward, whether that be with or without your husband and family.

At the same time, it may an idea to try build more of a friendship/support circle closer to home (easier said than done, I know) so you don't feel so isolated if and when this happens again.

You need to also talk to your husband and either clear the air or take a break from each other. Getting the silent treatment and being made uncomfortable in your own home is definitely a form of abuse in and of itself, regardless of the cause

LovelyChicken · 14/10/2022 13:46

I really feel for you - the people who are supposed to love you and care for you are uniting as your enemy. PP have said it may be you who is in the wrong, but i'm not seeing this at all. Could therapy help you? You sound isolated. At least your friends are supportive of you.

Hjgfer · 14/10/2022 13:47

I wouldn’t be happy with the way they are behaving. Do you want to walk away or try and work through it with any of the parties?

If you spoke to your husband and/or parents and explained your hurt, they showed remorse and wanted to work on preventing these situations happening again it’s fine to try and work through it. If not, I’d walk away.