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Told my therapist I felt unhealthily attached to them and that I felt I wanted them to be my friend and.....

229 replies

onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 21:10

....long story short, went to therapy for a while (private) therapist helped me to deal with a lot of traumatic stuff. Realised I felt unhealthily attached to therapist as in I wanted them to be a friend (DEFINITELY not sexual on my part).

All the advice said speak to therapist about this. I terminated therapy then sent an email explaining this was why.

Therapist replied along the lines of great idea!! Let's be friends.

What?

Anyone experienced ANYTHING remotely like this?

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 04/10/2022 22:23

Ugh I had this problem with a therapist once. Unfortunately she turned out to be the leader of the "ethics committee" for her dubious "governing body" and the only way to report anyone was by phoning her for an "informal chat", so given the nature of issues I had, I'll only see therapists accredited through BACP now and I don't care what other acronyms people claim to be accredited through.

Woolandwonder · 04/10/2022 22:24

onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 21:31

ok

it's quite long so, main highlights...

"now that you have prompted me to think I find myself in accord with your wisdom. A case of the therapist learning from the client. That that is what I would like, too. More than like, be deeply deeply honoured.

I would need to tread carefully as I think this is serious stuff, and if you were to continue in therapy there is some way to go, perhaps; but I imagine it would be one step at a time as things evolved."

There's more but I feel quite billious just copying that bit.

Jesus that's some narcissistic bullshit. Its totally outrageous and deeply concerning. If you feel able to please do report to the professional body. As a therapist myself I'm really sorry that they responded in that way, but am really glad that you are able to see it for what it is, I just worry that the next client won't be able.
It's totally normal to feel like you want to be friends with your therapist... I've felt it myself as a client, and there are loads of ways that an ethical therapist would deal with that conversation in a really helpful and constructive way, that is not one of them.

RestingMurderousFace · 04/10/2022 22:25

Creepy auld goat!

Beginningless · 04/10/2022 22:27

I think this is very shocking and agree it should be reported. You have clear evidence in your email (that you were not asking for a friendship) and in his handwritten, creepy as response.

I haven’t had this experience but his chat reminds me of a boss I had in a therapeutic role, it was my first job of that type aged 22 and he was 40. We got on very well and I really looked up to him. Looking back I knew he was impressed by me and I was young and flattered. Anyway at one stage he told me that he didn’t think he should supervise me anymore as he was developing feelings for me. He did it in similarly intellectual and flowery language, and my initial response was to feel sorry for him and that it was fine! But I went away, realised the creepiness and told him later that I believed he only told me that, hoping that he would get a reciprocal response. He was so angry, in his intellectual middle class way, telling me he wasn’t a creep (I didn’t call him that). I later learned he’d shagged one of the other team members who was not as young but in a bad place after a break up.

That’s a bit of a story but I typed it out because I do believe this guy genuinely believed he was being valorous and that saying this to me was in my interests. So unaware of the abuse of power. Tosser. I should have reported him somewhere, the charity commission or something. I can understand your reservations of course but this guy deserves to be reported.

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 22:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Eh? Whilst I agree with the sentiment, is this on the wrong thread?

MumOfOneAndDone · 04/10/2022 22:27

@onlyyooooo this is totally unethical and you’re quite right to be weirded out by it. As a therapist myself, this kind of thing is both horrifying and frustrating. I appreciate that you’re not keen to get into a back and forth with reporting it but as you’ve got the actual letter it wouldn’t be a he-said-she-said issue, so really might be worth emailing the BACP to say you want to make a complaint. My worry is next time he does this with someone more vulnerable, and it goes really bad.

www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/protecting-the-public/professional-conduct/how-to-complain-about-a-bacp-member/

Amarette · 04/10/2022 22:28

I don't like the wording about the relationship "needing a resolution".

SignOnTheWindow · 04/10/2022 22:29

That reply to you is deeply inappropriate and really quite creepy.

FlippertyGibberts · 04/10/2022 22:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Is that you, therapist 😄?

Iwishmynamewassheilah · 04/10/2022 22:30

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 22:17

All this stories of dangerous therapists. It’s a profession I feel needs to be much more tightly regulated.

It IS tightly regulated. If he’s registered that is. Is he?

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 04/10/2022 22:30

report the creaky fucker to the relevant professional body-this is so beyond any conceivable notion of integrity-vile, opportunistic and deeply concerning.

sageandrosemary · 04/10/2022 22:33

Oh God, his writing reminds me of my abusive and very creepy ex.

shudders

mindutopia · 04/10/2022 22:34

Incredibly unprofessional. My therapist, who I saw for an issue related to my family of origin, said she’d never consider taking on any of my family or my hu(not that I’d asked her) as clients because it was important to maintain professional boundaries that respected her client relationships.

That said, I have a few friends/family who are therapists or clinical psychologists and they have super weird boundary issues in their private lives, so this also doesn’t surprise me. But ick.

onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 22:35

Beginningless · 04/10/2022 22:27

I think this is very shocking and agree it should be reported. You have clear evidence in your email (that you were not asking for a friendship) and in his handwritten, creepy as response.

I haven’t had this experience but his chat reminds me of a boss I had in a therapeutic role, it was my first job of that type aged 22 and he was 40. We got on very well and I really looked up to him. Looking back I knew he was impressed by me and I was young and flattered. Anyway at one stage he told me that he didn’t think he should supervise me anymore as he was developing feelings for me. He did it in similarly intellectual and flowery language, and my initial response was to feel sorry for him and that it was fine! But I went away, realised the creepiness and told him later that I believed he only told me that, hoping that he would get a reciprocal response. He was so angry, in his intellectual middle class way, telling me he wasn’t a creep (I didn’t call him that). I later learned he’d shagged one of the other team members who was not as young but in a bad place after a break up.

That’s a bit of a story but I typed it out because I do believe this guy genuinely believed he was being valorous and that saying this to me was in my interests. So unaware of the abuse of power. Tosser. I should have reported him somewhere, the charity commission or something. I can understand your reservations of course but this guy deserves to be reported.

Thank you, I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm really grateful you shared your experience it's helped to give context to mine in a way.

OP posts:
ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 22:36

Iwishmynamewassheilah · 04/10/2022 22:30

It IS tightly regulated. If he’s registered that is. Is he?

No it isn’t. Therapist is not a protected title. There are also lots of different organisations that give accreditation, some more relaxed in their requirements than others. BCAP are seen as the most reputable and even their requirements I wouldn’t call stringent compared to other health based occupations:

www.bacp.co.uk/membership/individual-membership/

Scarfweather · 04/10/2022 22:37

Okay, so I have name changed to avoid any potential recognition. I'm a therapist and this is highly unprofessional on the part of the therapist.

The sign you like your therapist and would want to be friends with them means that you found a therapist you 'clicked' with and you feel they hear and understand you. In a sense, excellent rapport is an excellent sign. HOWEVER, while it shows the therapist was (probably) doing their job well, one of the reasons it is unethical to be friends during or just after therapy is because this 'relationship' started with you telling them things, private and vulnerable things, that you wouldn't usually disclose at the start of a friendship - this means you made yourself vulnerable, which is absolutely okay in the environment of therapy sessions, but as a friendship, it has a power imbalance.

I get you - I really like so many of my clients and with some I do get the sense that we would be excellent friends.....but the therapist should be respecting his professional ethics and obligations - protecting you. I also sometimes feel quite sad when clients move on once feeling in a better place, because I love working with them, but that is part of the job. Therapists are human too, but we have to have professional boundaries.

I would report this therapist to his professional body as clearly he has professionally lost the plot and may do so again with someone else.

The only way I might conceivably remain 'friends' (more like just friendly contacts) with a client is if we are thrown together via eg. local sport, school gate, clubs and so on, but I would always keep a respectful eye on not being intrusive. Should a number of years have passed, then it's possibly less of a concern, but I would always be careful to make sure I'm not abusing my position of initial trust.
My doctor has children at the same school. We often chat and cross at parties and he's a hoot, but he's still my doctor, so I won't be meeting him for coffee.

Glitterspy · 04/10/2022 22:37

This is totally inappropriate.

Technically you can be friends with a therapist outside of a therapeutic relationship (otherwise no therapists would have any friends), but not with an ex client.

This guy sounds creepy and predatory in the extreme. Keep away and yes, I’d report under the guise of checking whether it’s above board (it’s not).

boomoohoo · 04/10/2022 22:37

Omg op this made my jaw drop. (And I too knew straight away it was a man from initial writing - a special type of twattery)

This is so shocking. Amd I'm really sorry you've had this creepy, completely inappropriate and harmful behaviour land on you.

Also.. how tone dead is he.. how much does he not get the power imbalance between therapist and client.. He read your initial letter as an invitation to friendship (wrongly) and his pompous response is him 'deciding' that yes, it is the right way to proceed - you didn't even ask him, but he is making a decision about what he thinks is best for you.. this therapist is all kinds of bad. I'm so sorry you've had this - your instincts have been spot on.

spanishmumireland · 04/10/2022 22:38

DotBall · 04/10/2022 22:22

Sounds like an absolute wanker.
A wanker from the mid-Victorian period.

😂😂😂

ganvough · 04/10/2022 22:39

The brazenness that he has left a literal paper trail of his unhinged unprofessionalism. Makes me wonder if he has form, particularly if he's been practising a long time. I would definitely report it, but can understand your reluctance to not get dragged into a messy investigation and drama.

I would be a little careful now though that he doesn't take the rejection badly and become a stalker. His writing style shows someone who doesn't live in the real world - it's a ridiculous Victorian style prose. People like this are not the emotionally regulated - how he became a therapist, who knows. Tell friends and family so they are aware and keep a copy of the letter with a trusted someone.

Whatever happens, don't engage with him ever again. If he keeps writing or messaging you, tell him a simple 'Please stop contacting me'. Nothing more but you'll need to be clear. So sorry a trusted person has turned into a creep.

Scarfweather · 04/10/2022 22:41

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 04/10/2022 22:23

Ugh I had this problem with a therapist once. Unfortunately she turned out to be the leader of the "ethics committee" for her dubious "governing body" and the only way to report anyone was by phoning her for an "informal chat", so given the nature of issues I had, I'll only see therapists accredited through BACP now and I don't care what other acronyms people claim to be accredited through.

I'm sorry that happened to you, but you'd be missing out on many other ethical and professional therapists and psychologists - the BACP are a good professional body, but not the final word as they don't cover all therapy modalities.

They do like the public to think that, though :-)

Mochudubh · 04/10/2022 22:42

To me, it read like sarcasm at first, almost like, 🙄yeah, sounds fantastic, I've never heard that before" but this is creepy as fuck.

Maia77 · 04/10/2022 22:44

As others have said, his reaction is problematic as it's unethical and it's basically a boundary violation. I mean these things should be very clear to all therapists. This is something we learn very early on in training. It's harmful to clients.
If he is a member of BACP, UKCP, NCS or others membership bodies you could get in touch with them and report him.
He is trying to have his needs met and that's obviously harmful to you. It's scary to think some therapists do these things.

Iwishmynamewassheilah · 04/10/2022 22:44

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 22:36

No it isn’t. Therapist is not a protected title. There are also lots of different organisations that give accreditation, some more relaxed in their requirements than others. BCAP are seen as the most reputable and even their requirements I wouldn’t call stringent compared to other health based occupations:

www.bacp.co.uk/membership/individual-membership/

I’m questioning if he's registered. The OP has not confirmed this. I realise it’s not a protected title.

BeautifulElephant · 04/10/2022 22:44

Please make a formal complaint to his professional membership body. Keep all the evidence.