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Original poster

Told my therapist I felt unhealthily attached to them and that I felt I wanted them to be my friend and.....

229 replies

onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 21:10

....long story short, went to therapy for a while (private) therapist helped me to deal with a lot of traumatic stuff. Realised I felt unhealthily attached to therapist as in I wanted them to be a friend (DEFINITELY not sexual on my part).

All the advice said speak to therapist about this. I terminated therapy then sent an email explaining this was why.

Therapist replied along the lines of great idea!! Let's be friends.

What?

Anyone experienced ANYTHING remotely like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 21:58

StateOfTheUterus · 04/10/2022 21:53

I’m a bit confused by it all, and perhaps that’s deliberate but is he saying (in the most pretentious language) the equivalent of “I’m very flattered, if things were different then i’d love to be your friend, but we both know that we can’t”

No, he ends with a sort of "oh my goodness you've shown me the light, THIS is how an amazing therapeutic relationship should end" you've shown me the light type thing. I am trying to add a photo of the end of the letter...

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 04/10/2022 21:59

I have a friend that I met through a hobby. She brought along friends to our meet ups. I later found out they were clients, met via her role as a counsellor. So she has certainly crossed that barrier into friendships. Not sure if that’s the done thing, but it’s what she does. These are same sex friends by the way

Original poster
onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 22:00

worriedniece · 04/10/2022 21:55

Are you in the south of England?

Yes, but that covers a wide area. PM me if you think you recognise more.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 04/10/2022 22:01

I had a male therapist take me out for dinner and then come around to my place for dinner and we got really drunk and he tried to sleep with me. And I kept seeing him as a therapist

i look back now and I am HORRIFIED

shows just what a mess I was.

and then after that I had two female therapists who totally didn’t understand boundaries.

i found therapy to be mostly unhelpful and if anything harmful

but I did have one male therapist who was all about the boundaries for which I am grateful

i would block him and send a copy of the letter to the regulatory body

repulsivr

shipwreckedonhighseas · 04/10/2022 22:02

I think they're not rejecting you, still with their therapy hat on.

They're trained to be fine with the client wanting more from them, and giving what they can. It would be quite unprofessional in some modes of therapy to spell out "no we can never be friends" or to agree that you should leave because you want to be friends (this is completely expected). So I think he's actually trying, in his odd therapist way, to say that this is nothing to be scared of and he's not letting go just because you feel like this. I don't see any evidence that he's agreeing to be friends outside the context of therapy really from what you've said.

Original poster
onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 22:03

Teenyliving · 04/10/2022 22:01

I had a male therapist take me out for dinner and then come around to my place for dinner and we got really drunk and he tried to sleep with me. And I kept seeing him as a therapist

i look back now and I am HORRIFIED

shows just what a mess I was.

and then after that I had two female therapists who totally didn’t understand boundaries.

i found therapy to be mostly unhelpful and if anything harmful

but I did have one male therapist who was all about the boundaries for which I am grateful

i would block him and send a copy of the letter to the regulatory body

repulsivr

I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

I am thinking about my options. None of it is on the surface sexual but it's all so very unboundaried.

OP posts:
SimonaRazowska · 04/10/2022 22:03

Hey, I would not give your location and also remove the pics of the letter and the copy-paste as it could be picked up by a news paper/viral social media, and I’d hate that to happen to you (eg if the therapist sees his own letter going viral and him then contacting you)

and yes he is not being professional

he is happy to end the therapy, as being just friends allows him to go after you? That’s how it comes across . Massive cringe

dontputitthere · 04/10/2022 22:04

No. Just no

Im studying on a BCAPS accredited course at the moment

It breaks all the rules

It's shitty and manipulative too. The whole point of therapy is that you lay yourself open to someone. You're extremely vulnerable.

Your therapist is meant to help you not abuse that position of power

Who are they registered with?

shipwreckedonhighseas · 04/10/2022 22:05

Ah read the photo now.

Yes well that's a bit different. I'm not sure what to make of that. He could be a bit of a chancer.

I do however think you were mistaken to think you had to end therapy over this. It will probably happen repeatedly. But maybe this one was a lucky escape.

Stopsnowing · 04/10/2022 22:05

Just send a copy of the letter to his professional body and let them deal with it.

iekanda · 04/10/2022 22:05

Given that you said you would like to be friends, he could have replied something like - therapy has been successful, I'll sign you off (or whatever) and how about we meet for a coffee in a month's time. Not with this demented wisdom stuff. I would ghost him and do nothing further - no communication with him or any reg body, because this will prevent you from moving on.

PintOfCoffeePlease · 04/10/2022 22:08

Horrendously inappropriate - he needs to be holding the boundaries exactly because it's harder for you, as someone who is/was in a vulnerable place, to hold them. This really made me angry. Please report him to his registered body and they will know how to deal with it. Take the pressure off yourself - it's not up to you to decide what happens, or if this was appropriate behaviour. Just listen to your gut (which is rightly screaming that this isn't ok) and let them take it from there.

Interestingly, I also know an older male therapist in the south of England. He writes and talks just like that, and wouldn't know a boundary if it kicked him in the balls.

Original poster
onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 22:08

shipwreckedonhighseas · 04/10/2022 22:02

I think they're not rejecting you, still with their therapy hat on.

They're trained to be fine with the client wanting more from them, and giving what they can. It would be quite unprofessional in some modes of therapy to spell out "no we can never be friends" or to agree that you should leave because you want to be friends (this is completely expected). So I think he's actually trying, in his odd therapist way, to say that this is nothing to be scared of and he's not letting go just because you feel like this. I don't see any evidence that he's agreeing to be friends outside the context of therapy really from what you've said.

Look, I'm not looking for your perspective here on whether he offered to be friends. I'm looking at it in black and white (I can't get a photo from my phone to upload and don't want to take a photo straight off the letter as he uses both my name and his.)

He explicitly says:

"That is what I would like too, more than like be deeply honoured. To be your friend once our professional relationship is over"

He also talks about how it's "rubbish" that it's not allowed for us to be friends. I do appreciate your input but I'm not asking for advice once what he was 'offering' I have the letter right here in front of me and it's very clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
onlyyooooo · 04/10/2022 22:10

SimonaRazowska · 04/10/2022 22:03

Hey, I would not give your location and also remove the pics of the letter and the copy-paste as it could be picked up by a news paper/viral social media, and I’d hate that to happen to you (eg if the therapist sees his own letter going viral and him then contacting you)

and yes he is not being professional

he is happy to end the therapy, as being just friends allows him to go after you? That’s how it comes across . Massive cringe

I honestly wouldn't care if he saw his own letter going viral. Perhaps it would teach him to be more professional with trusting, fee paying clients.

OP posts:
LostAtTheCrossRoad · 04/10/2022 22:13

He is, to be perfectly blunt, a fucking nutjob! He absolutely needs reporting, I'm horrified.

Carouselfish · 04/10/2022 22:15

I was prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt but no, that letter except is slimy. Very much a feeling of trying to establish a 'special' relationship.

Carouselfish · 04/10/2022 22:16

*excerpt

SirBlobby · 04/10/2022 22:16

Wow, he needs reporting to the BACP/UKCP, whoever he practices under.

Breach of ethics, hugely inappropriate language and indications re friendship or going beyond the client counsellor relationship.

Invasion of your privacy and breach of use of data, writing to you at home after you'd finished sessions.

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 22:17

All this stories of dangerous therapists. It’s a profession I feel needs to be much more tightly regulated.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 04/10/2022 22:17

Apologies, I've been more than blunt - crass given the topic. But he's dangerous and predatory and needs dealing with.

beastlyslumber · 04/10/2022 22:17

The more I read, the more he sounds like a total psycho.

alexdgr8 · 04/10/2022 22:19

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 04/10/2022 22:13

He is, to be perfectly blunt, a fucking nutjob! He absolutely needs reporting, I'm horrified.

this sums up the situation neatly.
dear OP, you must report it.
you don't know what he has/tried to do with others who may be more vulnerable.

DotBall · 04/10/2022 22:22

Sounds like an absolute wanker.
A wanker from the mid-Victorian period.

Herejustforthisone · 04/10/2022 22:22

Like so many, I knew instantly that this would be a man.

EcoTourist · 04/10/2022 22:22

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