I am having an operation shortly and I wish that I will not make it and died on the operating table as it will sort a lot of my issue without my love ones blaming themselves for it. I am struggling with my divorce nearly 5 years on, still hoping that ex will say sorry I made a mistake I do love you. BUt it will never happen, it is just wishfullthinking on my side. I am struggling each time we have family events to attend where he is going to be there, so far I have been lucky he hasn't bring any of his girlfriends he had so I haven't dealt with it yet but when it is going to happen I will be completely devastated. I am so tired, struggling to be a good mother for my kids, I had counselling but it did not help. I just want to go to sleep and never woke up. My family is another countries, I don't many friends and most of the time they are too busy.