My wife

[1990schild]

I'm worried about my wife. She seems very disorganised and happy to live in chaos, the latest issue which got to me was forgetting to bring nappies when we were out and about which caused me to get annoyed (I won't go into detail).
It could be just tiredness through lack of sleep but I have worries that something more long term is going on.
My wife never makes any time for herself including basics like having a shower, catching up with sleep or to sort messy house out. I don't really enjoy living with mountains of toys pilled up everywhere, food pushed to the back of couches and areas left dirty and untidy. We don't have free space to even put a cup of tea down, everything is just pilled up, everywhere. I've never lived like this in my life until now, it's clutter HQ.
It feels like I'm being forced to live in her chaotic ways. Feels a bit suffocating, frustrating and makes my brain feel foggy and my thinking is unclear.
She sometimes goes 3, 4, 5 days without having a shower, she says because it's always inconvenient (kids are tired or I'm stressing out). We sleep in separate beds, she has the youngest and I have my 4 year old son. Both kids slept on her causing her to miss out on sleep.
She seems to have the belief that as a parent if your not suffering then your doing it wrong. She won't accept any help like letting someone else take care of the kids to do important stuff like shower etc. To do things as a couple like go out together, just us, is totally out of the picture. Feels sometimes like our relationship has ended in a way.
She says she has separation issues and doesn't want to let the kids out of her sights.
As you can imagine seeing them go to childcare or nursery has been hard and emotional.
Her way to parenting is actually starting to have a negative impact on me. Feel pressured to always be there when I'm not at work.
I can't to anything alone, having a shower or going for a poo is not easy because my son wants to follow me everywhere.
Personally I need a tiny bit of 'me time' away from the kids as a reset from the strains of being a parent in demand. She gets stressed having two young children but is far too stubborn to admit it.

I thought that when a second child came along she would loosen her grip over her separation issues. That hasn't happened and finding time to be in relationship together, get stuff done, and time to relax is never planned or organised.
I feel like 'kids always come first' approach has been taken to an extreme and now our mental health is suffering a bit. I feel that issues from her past are now manifesting into a bigger mental health issue and are impacting on not just her but three other people's lives.

It's hard for me to approach this with her because she is very stubborn plus she is a very loving parent and wife. I don't want to break her or worse loose her.

Your wife does 80% of the household stuff and you both work full time. This is part of the problem. I'm not saying that your wife doesn't have some issues that need resolving, but surely you can see that if you took on 50% of the load at home that would improve things?

You say that you took a different job to more suit family life, have no hobbies or friends that you spend time with as if this absolves you of not pulling your weight at home - whilst it is great that you put your family first in these ways, in reality this is just part and parcel of family life with young children and what most parents do to a certain extent - there is no point being simply just present if you're not actually pulling your weight.

I spend far more time with my family than most men.

Hang on, let me find a trophy 🏆

So she works full time, does 80% of housework, all the cooking, all the drop offs and picks ups, most of the child care.. and you have the balls to come along and complain about the mess and think she’s depressed? 🤣🤣🤣

How about pulling your weight and cleaning up yourself?

God damn men are depressing.

Ah, first post. I'll leave it there.

You’re complaining about the state of the house but not cleaning it up yourself? get a grip

Ha how typical that you’d leave because you’re not getting the answers you want. Stop martyring yourself and get on with the housework. You sound like a real prize. Gosh your wife should be prostrating at your feet every day for taking your surname - wait, hold on, that’s what women have had to do since the beginning of time! Your poor wife - you’re a dick.

@CheshireChat

So you both work full time and she does 80% of housework, most of the childcare, all the cooking and carries all the mental load (as you had the nerve to complain she forgot the nappies, when so did you) and you think her time "off" should be spent doing housework.

How about you tackle 50% of all of the above and you might find her MH suddenly improves .

Yep this. You're really not making yourself sound like the Prince you think you are OP.

So she does kids, house work, cooking, mental load and works full time. And you're here complaining she's always busy and doesn't want to go to bed with you. Your poor wife.

@Thoosa

But it's not someone else's mess - it's his mess. It's his family and home too.

It doesn’t work like that if she is indeed unwell, hoarding, struggling with executive function, controlling because of anxiety or any other combination of issues.

He says she doesn’t want him to do housework.

She could well be created more clutter than he can tackle. That’s not her fault if it’s the case.

He sounds passive, afraid to go against her wishes and overwhelmed.

This is, after all, the Mental Health board and he is concerned about her MH. So erring on the side of constructive answers would be a bit more helpful.

@1990schild Read Thoosa's posts.

I think she's probably hitting the nail on the head.

Your post comes across as very 'poor me' to be honest....Your focus seems to be how the struggles your wife is facing affect YOU, not her or the children.

If you both work full time then EVERYTHING should be split equally...childcare, housework, time to relax or do self care.

I am wondering if the fact that your wife is struggling to let go of the reins is because she doesn't feel you will pick them up :-/

Everyone wants/needs a break sometimes, but it's natural as a devoted mum to unintentionally fall into a trap of sacrificing everything for our children.I did it too, was very anxious about leaving my DD and trusting anyone else to take the lead, even her dad at times.

Please- change your attitude from a critical one to a supportive one first things first, she needs that more than ever, and assert yourself in helping out more.

If she still is struggling with 'letting go of the control' then maybe she has anxiety and could benefit from some CBT as I did.

But I think there is alot of work...mainly rebuilding of connections and re-establishing of appropriate roles that needs to go on before assuming she has a mental health problem and this isn't just overwhelm.

Good luck.

@Thoosa

Was she untidy before children? Hoarding tendencies? Or is this purely since children?

I’m going to go against the flow here @1990schild and say you have to assert yourself for al your sakes. You can see that all is not well so you need to articulated very clearly your concern for her, the fact that the home is not a suitable environment for children, the stress it’s causing you and the need for change.

She is clearly unable to get a handle on it, so you must.

Just take care to be supportive of her personally at the same time as saying “this is the line, we need to meet this line for the children’s sake”.

I agree. My exhusband did pretty much nothing when the children were little and I worked and we certainly didn't live like that. Seems to me that both parents here need to step up and work together to create a clean, mostly tidy home where are good routines and boundaries, where each parent gets time for self care (the not showering is ridiculous, for example), friendships, exercise, etc. All of these are acts of love also, the creation of a mostly happy home where everyones needs and also some wants are met is the best thing you can do for your children.

I have only just discovered at 50+ that I have inattentive ADHD - its more common in people born as females. Worth googling to see if that sounds like her. It linked to executive function issues and trouble with motivation due to chemical imbalances in the brain.

‘Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.’

Lol, you are so far removed from reality. I feel for your wife.
Poor you though eh.

In terms of clutter - have things got places to go? If not, would it be worth having a look at some storage solutions (like clear tubs / buckets for kids toys?) and then as so many previous posters have said - make a game of it! Show the 4yr old how to tidy away while you are spending time with him (and tidying your own house! -really enjoy that ‘me time’ OP - sorry. Couldn’t let that one pass).

I don’t know if you have a bath, but even if not - make an effort to make it special (nice music? Candle? Muchos bubbles or a really special shower gel) and set up for your lovely wife and just say: i’ve got the kids for 30 minutes - go and relax!! Rather than just saying ‘you haven’t washed for 4 days’ facilitate it so that she feels she can?
Yes I appreciate thats a bit OTT and no I’m not saying you need to do this every time the poor woman needs a shower, but can you maybe just fuss and support her a little bit more than you’re doing for a couple of weeks? Then you can look at the situation together and reassess together - do you need outside help? Has DH picking up 50 percent of the chores and mental load meant some/ the majority of these problems are resolved for you both?

It isn't a hatefest. You've asked for opinions. Your wife does 80% of the housework, all the cooking...she'll be exhausted. You need to do 50/50.

@1990schild

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

This reminds me of the Chris Rock sketch

* always want credit for stuff they are supposed to do anyway

Taking your wifes name - what has that cost you in the long run. You get some 'feel good' right on wokey points. But it doesnt help the day to day running of the home.

You got a job that better suits family life?
You are SUPPOSED to have a job that fits around family life if you want a family

You spend your time at home, and while your kids are tiny - and if they are preschool, and one is a baby, then they ARE tiny - didnt you know that this is a normal sacrifice for parents of young children - for your free time to take a back shelf for a while. And spending time with the family you created - you do know that its supposed to be a pleasure?

My advice.
Make a list of every job you can think of that involves running the job - take responsibility for this yourself, dont ask your wife to do it.

Make a list of everything - and also all the 'thinking about it' stuff (Ill give you a clue to a few - meal planning, before shopping planning. Looking at calenders to see events coming up for the month - organising any birthday presents / parties, and planning gifts and who will take who where for it. Bills that need paying and looking at dates for when better deals need searching for - thats a few)

When your list is complete, then take it to your wife and ask her to add all the stuff you have forgotten or not realised needs doing.

Then take that list and divide it in two - work through the list with her - pick the things you both like, take turns to pick. And make sure some of the 'thinking and planning' things are on both lists equally. And make sure that daily repetative tasks are on both lists too. DIY once or twice a year is no way equal to the daily slog of cleaning the kitchen. Make sure the horrible jobs are similarly equally spaced

Take a weekend to break the back on the house. Again switch roles per room - so you tackle the longe while she takes the kids out of the way, then the next day she tackles the kitchen while you take the kids out. Whole house doesnt need to be done in one shot, even if it takes a month, ultimately it will be done and with a new cleaning and organisation in place, it should be easier to do.

Once you have a little more experience of taking both kids out, its a short step to having responsibility for them one evening a week. Then make sure you and your wife each have an evening thats for yourselves. You mention a hobby - do this. Find something your wife would like to do - an evening class? a visit to a friend? even just a wander on Saturday mornings by herself if she would rather take a weekend morning / afternoon than an evening.

There

Not man hating

The equality and engagement you wanted to demonstrate, no doubt, when you took your wifes name.

Action is what demonstrates, not words

@1990schild

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

Some people dont like the truth.

Your wife is doing a full time job and EVERYTHING else and dealing with you who gets 'annoyed / stressed' at every little thing.

Sort yourself out and step up before you start moaning about her!

Ohh you took her last name and took a better suited job, didnt realise she owed you the world!

If OP is significantly better than “most men” thank god I do not date men.

Come on @1990schild. You say yourself you both work and she does 80%of everything else. Come on!

Regardless of that, even if she was SAHM, it's your house and your DC, sort it out! For goodness sake!

Maybe if you spent the time it took to write on mumsnet to instead begin to declutter the house, that might help?! Stop moaning about something you can sort out. You don't like the messy house and the clutter, sort it out. Easy.

Op you said you were off so I will be brief.

1. I do not care what sex you are. Based on your own admission your partner is doing 80% of the housework when you both work full time. So you need to step up, clearly. If you did 80% and your partner 20% I’d say the same to your partner. There’s no man bashing involved. It should be 50/50 if you both work.

1. It does sound like your partner suffers with either ADHD and/or depression. So you need to be very patient and help organise solutions. Boards with 50/50 split on what needs to be done. Make sure you’re ticking your own list as well as keep an eye on hers.

1. Decluttering. Rotation of toys. Everything has to have a home. Reward charts for the kids if applicable. You’re all in this together so help one another.

1. If you ask for advice, learn to accept it gracefully. We are giving up our time to help you.

Good luck.

So you both work time and she does 80% of the chores and childcare?

There's your answer then. She's knackered, overwhelmed and probably depressed as well. Get someone to look after the kids while you blitz the house together. Then get a cleaner, then write down all the regular hosuehold tasks, when/how often they need to be done and divide them up between you.

@1990schild

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

You spend all your time with your family but seem to do fuck all. Don't tell me, you're a gamer or spend all your time on your phone/computer. Clean your house so your wife has the energy to have a fucking shower. You dirty pig.

Is there any reason why you can’t take control of the tidying up yourself? If there isn’t even space to put down a chopping board then instead of waiting for your wife to find the time and energy to clear things up, maybe you should?

If you’re saying you hardly help around the house because your wife wants you to spend time with the kids. You could just say ‘let me tidy this room first and then I’ll come back to them’ or something along those lines. As a pp said, it sounds as if a massive de clutter is needed.

Saying your wife works full time, does 80% of the housework including cooking. Is it no wonder she doesn’t seem organised? Who could manage all that plus having to look after two kids. Where would she find the energy to want to do relationship stuff like go out just to two of you? I seriously think you need to actually help her instead of coming here ranting about her when it seems your lack of help is causing this problem

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.
A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

Look, you posted on here for advice. Everyone has said roughly the same thing. So why are you ignoring all the advice you have been given?

Taking your wife's name - OK, but so what? That's no practical help, and this is what women have been doing since time immemorial. It doesn't mean you get out of cleaning your own house!

Changing jobs to suit family life - ditto

Spending all your non-work time with your family - but what are you doing in this time? Taking the kids out, supervising their homework, doing your share of the chores, or sitting on your phone and judging your wife??

I'd love to hear your wife's take on this.