My wife

[1990schild]

I'm worried about my wife. She seems very disorganised and happy to live in chaos, the latest issue which got to me was forgetting to bring nappies when we were out and about which caused me to get annoyed (I won't go into detail).
It could be just tiredness through lack of sleep but I have worries that something more long term is going on.
My wife never makes any time for herself including basics like having a shower, catching up with sleep or to sort messy house out. I don't really enjoy living with mountains of toys pilled up everywhere, food pushed to the back of couches and areas left dirty and untidy. We don't have free space to even put a cup of tea down, everything is just pilled up, everywhere. I've never lived like this in my life until now, it's clutter HQ.
It feels like I'm being forced to live in her chaotic ways. Feels a bit suffocating, frustrating and makes my brain feel foggy and my thinking is unclear.
She sometimes goes 3, 4, 5 days without having a shower, she says because it's always inconvenient (kids are tired or I'm stressing out). We sleep in separate beds, she has the youngest and I have my 4 year old son. Both kids slept on her causing her to miss out on sleep.
She seems to have the belief that as a parent if your not suffering then your doing it wrong. She won't accept any help like letting someone else take care of the kids to do important stuff like shower etc. To do things as a couple like go out together, just us, is totally out of the picture. Feels sometimes like our relationship has ended in a way.
She says she has separation issues and doesn't want to let the kids out of her sights.
As you can imagine seeing them go to childcare or nursery has been hard and emotional.
Her way to parenting is actually starting to have a negative impact on me. Feel pressured to always be there when I'm not at work.
I can't to anything alone, having a shower or going for a poo is not easy because my son wants to follow me everywhere.
Personally I need a tiny bit of 'me time' away from the kids as a reset from the strains of being a parent in demand. She gets stressed having two young children but is far too stubborn to admit it.

I thought that when a second child came along she would loosen her grip over her separation issues. That hasn't happened and finding time to be in relationship together, get stuff done, and time to relax is never planned or organised.
I feel like 'kids always come first' approach has been taken to an extreme and now our mental health is suffering a bit. I feel that issues from her past are now manifesting into a bigger mental health issue and are impacting on not just her but three other people's lives.

It's hard for me to approach this with her because she is very stubborn plus she is a very loving parent and wife. I don't want to break her or worse loose her.

@Thoosa

The reason I’m inclined to believe him *@Duracellbunnywannabe* is because he says;

It feels like I'm being forced to live in her chaotic ways. Feels a bit suffocating, frustrating and makes my brain feel foggy and my thinking is unclear.

That’s what living in someone else’s mess feels like. Something is amiss in that house if he’s feeling like that instead of just putting the hoover round. It must be more than either of them can cope with.

So that’s a man, a woman, and two children living in “chaos” with “no room to put a chopping board” to cook and food shoved to the back of the sofa”. Which is an emergency.

On the MH board of MN, I thought we were at the very least pro women, pro children and pro good mental health?

But it's not someone else's mess - it's his mess. It's his family and home too.

OP if you're still reading this please take a look online for symptoms of ADHD in women.

But it's not someone else's mess - it's his mess. It's his family and home too.

It doesn’t work like that if she is indeed unwell, hoarding, struggling with executive function, controlling because of anxiety or any other combination of issues.

He says she doesn’t want him to do housework.

She could well be created more clutter than he can tackle. That’s not her fault if it’s the case.

He sounds passive, afraid to go against her wishes and overwhelmed.

This is, after all, the Mental Health board and he is concerned about her MH. So erring on the side of constructive answers would be a bit more helpful.

If this is true I am shocked that you don’t see the children and the house and a 50-50 split. You both work, you can’t sit back and let your wife take most of the burden.

I think you would both benefit from counselling. Together and desperately.

You have very outdated views on gender roles - and seem to struggle to communicate with your wife (this is a two way issue).

Your wife sounds exhausted and overwhelmed- she needs to let go of some control and give space edit you to do a lot more.

Ataie the kids on that long walk with you. Hire a cleaner of you don’t want to do the cleaning yourself.

But stop thinking about the housework and cooking and exclusively her issue. It’s 2022

@redbigbananafeet

When she's cooking tidy your own feckin house!

This. Spending time with your children doesn't just mean sitting and gazing at them. The older one can help you put toys away, find all the dirty cups, pick up the clothes that are scattered about and bring them to you / put them in a basket. They can go in the washing machine just before you sit down to eat. You can put the younger one in a bouncy chair and chat to them,sing to them whilst you get on with it. Set a timer. How much mess can you shift in 10 minutes. When they are in the bath tidy bits of the bathroom. They can splash happily whilst you wipe the basin and taps. It's not your wife's job.If she is cooking you are tidying. If she is bathing the children, you are washing up the things from teatime and putting the hoover round.

@IEatChocolateForBreakfast

OP if you're still reading this please take a look online for symptoms of ADHD in women.

This is a very good idea. But ut diesnt excuse you pulling your weight. Everything in your lives must be 50 50.

@1990schild I am SO glad my husband isn’t like you.

Poor woman works full time, does almost ALL of the house chores, by the sounds of it takes on all the mental load and YOU want sympathy because ‘you do more than most men’.

Trying to paint yourself as a saint because you are better than the baseline of lazy bastards isn’t good enough.
My DH works 6 days a week, often 12 hour shifts but still comes home and does bottles, housework, dishwasher, paperwork, childcare. I do my own fair share too because running a home and raising children is HARD and is 24/7!

This has really made my blood boil. Step. Up.

I haven’t blamed him, I have told him the truth which he as one of two adults who both work the same hours has 50% responsibility for the house, unless he knows the truth the can’t start to move forward. I also acknowledged that there are other issues going on too. Anyway as the OP has left its pointless discussing it further. If the OP comes back then I would happily share tips of how to deal with the house, his wife’s attitude to parenting, and how they can both get some time for themselves (which doesn’t involve his wife cleaning for some me time!).

@doublemonkey ^ the above message was for you. I forgot to tag you in it.

There’s no way this post is real. No one is this stupid. Reverse?

@Thoosa

But it's not someone else's mess - it's his mess. It's his family and home too.

It doesn’t work like that if she is indeed unwell, hoarding, struggling with executive function, controlling because of anxiety or any other combination of issues.

He says she doesn’t want him to do housework.

She could well be created more clutter than he can tackle. That’s not her fault if it’s the case.

He sounds passive, afraid to go against her wishes and overwhelmed.

This is, after all, the Mental Health board and he is concerned about her MH. So erring on the side of constructive answers would be a bit more helpful.

I don't get the impression from the OP that she is a hoarder. It sounds like everyday clutter and dirt that builds up from lack of housework.

..food pushed to the back of couches and areas left dirty and untidy..

I presume it's the kids dropping bits of food on the couchs which he's sitting beside but not bothering to clean up.

I think that a good starting point would be to declutter - you need to get a heap of refuse sacks and go around the house and bin things.

You seriously need to think about a cleaner.

Your children need external stimulation- fresh air, socialisation with their peers

Your wife and you sound exhausted - it is tiring with children this age but you could do things to lighten that load

I guess the housework has took a back seat - your wife has her job, then takes care of the kids and then there is no time to take care of herself as she is exhausted.

Things must change. It’s good you have reached out.

I do agree with others though that if you both work full time then you both need to share the running of the home amd children 50/50

@1990schild

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

It's not a hate fest. Taking your wife's name is all well and good but it doesn't achieve anything useful day to day. Changing your job to suit family life is what women have done since we were allowed to actually have a job after having children. Changing your job and spending all your time with your family is entirely normal and to be expected. You need to use the time usefully. I can see how difficult it is . I cannot stand any sort of chaos at all. Toys everywhere because they are being played with, fabulous. Toys everywhere after children have gone to bed, nope . Have you talked to her properly about the chaos and how stressed you feel about it. It is your space as much as hers ,but if she has adult ADHD/executive functioning issues you will have to take the load with tidying. She is cooking and prioritising the children . You can prioritise the mess. Once you have it under control you can reassess.

OP what kind of help are you looking to get for your wife?

Cleaner? Or therapy if you think shes hoarder? Or are you planning to do 90% of the housework yourself and start remembering nappies and everything the kids need?

Assuming you love your wife and want things to work, want steps do you think you need to take to help make things better?

Why don't you start tonight after work when kids are in bed to tackle one room maybe the kitchen give it a deep clean so tomorrow night you can shop and cook dinner.

Over the weekend give the bathrooms deep clean and start throwing away/recycling any old or broken toys. Keep doing this and after while your house will look better. Good luck.

@Thoosa

The reason I’m inclined to believe him *@Duracellbunnywannabe* is because he says;

It feels like I'm being forced to live in her chaotic ways. Feels a bit suffocating, frustrating and makes my brain feel foggy and my thinking is unclear.

That’s what living in someone else’s mess feels like. Something is amiss in that house if he’s feeling like that instead of just putting the hoover round. It must be more than either of them can cope with.

So that’s a man, a woman, and two children living in “chaos” with “no room to put a chopping board” to cook and food shoved to the back of the sofa”. Which is an emergency.

On the MH board of MN, I thought we were at the very least pro women, pro children and pro good mental health?

I didn’t say I didn’t believe and in my first post to him you will see I acknowledge that there are other issues to deal with too. But life is not so simple as there is one issue at play, and the OP needs to acknowledge that as an adult in the household he needs to deal with his part in the situation. By addressing the housework imbalance it will create more space for them to behind to deal with the other issues.

@1990schild

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

It isn’t about it being a hate fest. It is great that you spend a lot of time with your family. Although changing name, jobs, and spending time with family should be a pretty standard part of having a family, or at least society expects it of at least half of each couple.

However, on a day to day level if both you and your wife work full time, but she is doing all of the cooking and you only do about 20% of the stuff in the house, isn’t it easy to see why she might be overwhelmed? Yes, it sounds like she could possibly have depression or some other illness. But, without you taking more of a fair share of things, how do you expect her to find the time and mental space to even begin to get help?

You wife is making similar work-related sacrifices to facilitate family life.

It’s frustrating that you don’t want to hear the remedy is for you to step up & take on more if the mental load.

Sounds like first priority is to work together to sort the house out. Put aside some time every week to sort things out and work out what is needed what isn't.

Then once the house is sorted it will be so easy to keep clean, then you can go back to cooking while you are doing that she can spend time with the kids and then get up together in the morning to give her time to have a shower before the kids are awake.

You admit you’re doing very little, you criticise your wife and get annoyed that she’s forgotten things (where were you? Why didn’t you remember them?), then when you’re called out you spit your dummy out.
FFS grow up, step up, stop acting like a spoilt brat.

[quote Duracellbunnywannabe]@doublemonkey ^ the above message was for you. I forgot to tag you in it.[/quote]
Not me I think?

I do not know you and have no idea whether you are horrible or not.

What you are describing is a woman who is overwhelmed - I do not think you are describing someone with a mental health problem. It is too easy to assume poor mental health when someone is not behaving as you wish.

Your example of forgetting to bring nappies is a non-issue. It is the sort of thing that any of us could do - it is just a small human oversight. It should not cause a row.

It sounds to me as though she is finding it hard to cope, and with a f/t job and two children I am not surprised - when I had two little ones at home the house was far from pristine and I too felt somewhat harassed.

The sort of chaos you are describing is not unusual in a home with 2 pre-school children. I cannot help thinking that you have become oversensitive to this and every little thing that deviates from perfect grates on you. That is an additional burden for you wife.

Before encouraging your wife to seek help with her mental health it might make sense for you to work a bit on your feelings. When you find something that irritates you, ask yourself whether your reaction to it is the only possible one; ask what you can do about how you react; and what you can do to help.

80/20 split really isn't good enough. Sut with your wife and write down all the difference jobs and come up with a plan together. Also commit to taking the kids out for a few hours every week on your own. She needs time alone. If you can find a balance that works for your family everyone will be happier including you.

@doublemonkey sorry you’re correct! Anyway I’m giving up on this thread as clear the OP has. I hope he and his wife begin to sort things out.

Have a nice day everyone.

It is worth having a conversation about how to split and arrange housework. Some people like to do it together. Me and my husband find it works best if we each have our own responsibilities, so rather than just doing everything when we have time, we each know what we have to do. In our house food on the sofa would be my problem as I clean and tidy the living room, cluttered worktops would be down to him as my husband does the kitchen, and so on. It makes it much easier as there is no arguing over who isn’t pulling their weight, and it doesn’t seem so overwhelming as you only have half the house to sort.

[quote Duracellbunnywannabe]@doublemonkey sorry you’re correct! Anyway I’m giving up on this thread as clear the OP has. I hope he and his wife begin to sort things out.

Have a nice day everyone.[/quote]
Yep, me too!

I've got some housework to do....🧼