My wife

[1990schild]

I'm worried about my wife. She seems very disorganised and happy to live in chaos, the latest issue which got to me was forgetting to bring nappies when we were out and about which caused me to get annoyed (I won't go into detail).
It could be just tiredness through lack of sleep but I have worries that something more long term is going on.
My wife never makes any time for herself including basics like having a shower, catching up with sleep or to sort messy house out. I don't really enjoy living with mountains of toys pilled up everywhere, food pushed to the back of couches and areas left dirty and untidy. We don't have free space to even put a cup of tea down, everything is just pilled up, everywhere. I've never lived like this in my life until now, it's clutter HQ.
It feels like I'm being forced to live in her chaotic ways. Feels a bit suffocating, frustrating and makes my brain feel foggy and my thinking is unclear.
She sometimes goes 3, 4, 5 days without having a shower, she says because it's always inconvenient (kids are tired or I'm stressing out). We sleep in separate beds, she has the youngest and I have my 4 year old son. Both kids slept on her causing her to miss out on sleep.
She seems to have the belief that as a parent if your not suffering then your doing it wrong. She won't accept any help like letting someone else take care of the kids to do important stuff like shower etc. To do things as a couple like go out together, just us, is totally out of the picture. Feels sometimes like our relationship has ended in a way.
She says she has separation issues and doesn't want to let the kids out of her sights.
As you can imagine seeing them go to childcare or nursery has been hard and emotional.
Her way to parenting is actually starting to have a negative impact on me. Feel pressured to always be there when I'm not at work.
I can't to anything alone, having a shower or going for a poo is not easy because my son wants to follow me everywhere.
Personally I need a tiny bit of 'me time' away from the kids as a reset from the strains of being a parent in demand. She gets stressed having two young children but is far too stubborn to admit it.

I thought that when a second child came along she would loosen her grip over her separation issues. That hasn't happened and finding time to be in relationship together, get stuff done, and time to relax is never planned or organised.
I feel like 'kids always come first' approach has been taken to an extreme and now our mental health is suffering a bit. I feel that issues from her past are now manifesting into a bigger mental health issue and are impacting on not just her but three other people's lives.

It's hard for me to approach this with her because she is very stubborn plus she is a very loving parent and wife. I don't want to break her or worse loose her.

What do you do to help with the mess?

Do you work?

Does she?

Lots of possibilities. Could she have executive function issues/ADHD? Is she just overwhelmed? Was she like this before kids? Any chance of PPD or PPA? Do you help out?

As far as not leaving the children, I wasn't comfortable with that until later. Some women aren't. If there are unresolved issues driving this, maybe some counselling will help?

I’m wondering why you think a woman ‘making time for herself’ would include cleaning the house?

Sounds like she could be suffering with depression. On another note, how much tidying up do you do and why was it down to her to remember to pack nappies?

Do you both work ? What percentage of the childcare, housework , cooking etc. do you share ? Does she have time to see friends, peruse hobbies outside the home ?

Sounds very difficult. I think the first year with two sounds extreme (sorry, I've only got one!) and it does get better. But yes, it's worrying if she doesn't feel able to even have enough time to wash.

Would she have a bath in the evening? Or does she go to bed with the children?

It does sound as if you have got childcare set up which is a good thing.

Could you find yourself a space in your home - maybe a chair or a table/chair - which you set up the way you like it so you've got a small place to feel ok in? It is your home too.

You could do a big de-clutter, it helps with keeping ontop of stuff, maybe one weekend take a pile of to charity. Sometimes people jusy feel overwhelmed at where to start. So kids toys one weekend, kids clothes the next weekend. That kind of thing.

Forgetting to bring nappies is par for course, everyone does at some point.

@Oldtiredfedup

I’m wondering why you think a woman ‘making time for herself’ would include cleaning the house?

Also this.

Thank you for the responses so far.

Firstly can I say please don't turn this into a man v woman thing, none of you know me or what I've done for my wife and family. I spend far more time with my family than most men.

I will be honest, my wife probably does about 80% of the housework. My only excuse for me not doing more is that she complains that I'm not spending time with the kids even though I'm with them all the time. But this obviously needs to change and is an area where I can do more.

We both work full time. She works from home some days and takes responsibility for taking the kids to and from childcare. This is something I have little flexibility with because of my job and work hours.

She now does all the cooking. This because she says I get too stressed in the kitchen. I do because there is literally no room to put a chopping board anywhere.

My wife has a couple of friends who she sees once in a blue moon.
I have no friends and rarely see my own family.
Neither of us have enough time for hobbies. I used to enjoy going on long walks which I/we don't do anymore.

I've let me wife take the lead on everything once we had our first kid. Partly because I don't want to get into conflict about how to parent and partly because my wife is very strong headed (and stubborn) and likes to take the lead as she has done with many other non-parent related things. That being said she is in need of help I probably have gotten to used to taking a back seat.

So you both work full time and she does 80% of housework, most of the childcare, all the cooking and carries all the mental load (as you had the nerve to complain she forgot the nappies, when so did you) and you think her time "off" should be spent doing housework.

How about you tackle 50% of all of the above and you might find her MH suddenly improves .

Currently the work load is VERY unbalanced. Ignore paid work you're both full time. She is doing most the cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, washing clothes. You need to say that you realise she is doing too much and split up the tasks. Why don't you take on all the cleaning and clothes washing. Starting with a massive declutter. Take charge of things like sorting the kids clothes. And do all the washing up, after dinner tidying. Take the kids out a bit more (less messy house, gives her space, fun for you as can parent without her being in charge). She seems lost.

@CheshireChat

So you both work full time and she does 80% of housework, most of the childcare, all the cooking and carries all the mental load (as you had the nerve to complain she forgot the nappies, when so did you) and you think her time "off" should be spent doing housework.

How about you tackle 50% of all of the above and you might find her MH suddenly improves .

This. There is clearly an imbalance in your relationship.

Long walks with young kids are hard. Maybe focus more on exploring and shorter walks until they are older? It will take a good few years but they will get more capable. Unless you are walking terrain where you can get an all terrain stroller to go for longer walks.

If she's taking on 80% of what goes on in the house as well as working full time, I'm not surprised she's unhappy! Is there something missing from your post to explain why you're not pulling your weight? Because it does sound like this is a reasonably straightforward situation to improve quite quickly.

Get tidying the house instead of moaning on here how untidy it is. Oh, and ask your wife if she's OK.

You can’t say ‘don’t turn this into a man v woman thing’ when your DW works full time, does 80% of the housework and is expected to take on all the mental load while you sit back and moan that she’s not coping. Help the woman for Christ’s sake!

When she's cooking tidy your own feckin house!

Why is it her responsibility to remember to bring nappies? You are also aware you need to take them, so you forgot as much as she did - you have absolutely no right to get annoyed at her for forgetting something.
If you're that arsed about how she keeps the house - why don't you actually help clean it rather than complain here. Time to herself doesn't involve cleaning the house ffs.
You have a young baby, she's clearly exhausted.
To be frank op, you need to step up and pull your weight. If you kicked off at me for forgetting a nappy you'd be out on your arse.
How dare you.

You completely lost me at 80/20 housework ratio, your wife doing all school runs and 100% of cooking... yet your house is still a mess which suggests you are definitely not doing anywhere near enough housework.

In fact part of me thinks you're either seriously in denial or this is a reverse.

Well if it's real then you need to communicate with your wife and come to an agreement on some house rules and you need to to more responsibility

If your house is that untidy and cluttered, it didn't get that way by itself!! Sort it out yourself!

You both work FT yet your wife is doing 80% of the housework and all the cooking - how is that fair? You should step up and do your fair share.

Re the kids, maybe parenting classes would help? Or a sleep training book so they sleep in their own rooms?

You sound really passive here. You decided to have a second Dec with your wife even though things weren't great. Your wife sounds overwhelmed with everything, and she needs you to do your share.
There are plenty of websites about decluttering and tidying.

I've just read that she also works full time, does all school runs and a huge majority of the housework plus cooking -
The fucking audacity you have to criticise her in this way.
She's exhausted.
You are the problem. I am furious on this poor woman's behalf.

The latest issue which got to me was forgetting to bring nappies when we were out and about which caused me to get annoyed (I won't go into detail)

You sound abusive here. What do you mean, you won't go into detail? 🙄 And why didn't you remember the nappies?!

Oh so it's turn into a hatefest. I'll leave now.

A man who takes his wife's name, changes jobs to suit family life better, spends all his non-work time with his family, and no longer indulges in any of his interests is obviously a horrible man.

This seems totally unfair. Your wife does everything, you do nothing, and you come on here to complain your house isn't tidy? What sort of response did you think you were going to get here?

Well, you got the 'child' part of your username correct anyway.
When you finish your little tantrum maybe read the constructive advice if you actually do want to help your wife and family.