If you were sexually abused as a child and still have contact with your abuser...

[abitmessedup]

how do you deal with this? And, more importantly, what about your children?

I have posted about this before but, briefly, I was abused by a family member. I have a relatively good relationship with him now - in that I see him periodically. The abuse stopped and was never discussed. It's as if it never happened. But we both know it did.

Because I still see this man, chances are DS will have some kind of relationship with him. And it disgusts me.

I know I can never leave DS alone with him. But is it really appalling for them to have a relationship (grandparent-type).

Please don't get me wrong: I do not condone what he did to me. I will never come to terms with it. In fact, it has caused me no end of problems and I will never be at peace with what happened.

I'm just very confused.

ah i dont know what to say but didnt want to read and run. hope someone comes along soon who can help x

abit - i have no advice but i have read and I am sorry x x x x x x x x

Thank you.

I think I just want someone to say it'll be ok

I do want DS to be able to have a relationship with this person. But it makes me feel sick, thinking about it.

And then I think, one day, DS might know what happened to me. And he'll know that I made him spend time with a paedophile.

I know no-one can really help with this. I'm just and thinking aloud.

I didn't want to read & run & not sure if this will help you much..

I really think you need to sort out your feelings with what happened before you can decide what kind of relationship, if any, your dcs have with this person. The abuse of you is never discussed, 'it's as if it never happened' Why? Why let this person get away with it when you will never be at peace? Was there any kind of recrimination for this person? Do people know what happened to you? It seems like it was all brushed under the carpet.

Isn't that like saying what they did was OK because you can act like it never happened? Does that mean that this person will think it's OK to abuse your dcs/other children as nothing much happened about your abuse?

I don't understand why you still see this person & seem happy to let your dc see them when they messed your life up so bad.

I couldn't let my child have any kind of relationship with someone who abused me. I would be very fearful that something might happen & couldn't live with myself if it did. I simply would not put my child in that potential situation.

I wouldn't be able to cope with it at all.

No one can it will be OK, because no one knows if it will be or not.

In my mind, if there is ANY doubt then it isn't a risk worth taking.

Thanks Sandcastles. I wrote a longer response but can't post it now.

A lot of what you said is true. And some not. But it is helpful to read.

I don't want to put DS in harm's way. And I was thinking that if I were with him at all times and never let him out of my sight when this person is around, wouldn't that be ok?

I suppose I am trying to rationalise it to myself. Because I am too chicken to deal with the fall-out if I refuse to see this man.

I know what he did was terrible. But he did it to me. It doesn't necessarily mean he'll do it to DS. Does it? I know they say a leopard can't change it's spots...

I know no-one can tell me it'll be ok. It's just what I'd really like to hear.

I didn't know if it would be helpful at all, just really did it from my POV with limited experience.

I had an 'incident' when younger, didn't really think much of it for years until a it came out that a step cousin abused by the same person went on to abuse his own children, much worse.

Cousin & I v close, but would never let my child see him for fear of him abusing her. My cousin did go to prison, but felt it was his 'right' to abuse his daughter, as she was his daughter, iycwim. No remorse etc.

I am not saying that your situation is the same, but I know in my mind that I wouldn't be comfortable.

I can see what you are saying about being there 100% of the time, but can you assure that? I can't say if it would be OK or not, only you can. What about if you needed to pop to the loo etc? Isn't that constant supervision a huge burden?

I am not sure if this is helpful but my gut feeling is keep this person away from your child. i had a very creepy 'uncle' as a child and although there was never any actual abuse there was alot of innappropriate tickling and words. i would tread over hot coals to never let this man near my daughter and she has never met him .I haven't seen him since I had her (she is 4). I have told my family why and they just said it is my choice which of course it is. i just dont think it is worth the risk. It is very clear in my mind I am sorry you are finding it hard to deal with x

I'm struggling to understand why your dc should need to have any kind of relationship with this person.
I'm assuming your family don't know about the abuse

What's more should your child ever find out what this person did to you, how do you think he would feel? Knowing that you allowed him to have a potentially harmful relationship with a person who destroyed your life

I also think that it would be impossible and unrealistic for your child to be under constant supervision.

I agree with whoever said you need to sort it for yourself

Have you told anyone in real?
I really think you need to deal with this for your childs sake if you can't do it for yourself.

what is the relationship and why do you want your ds to have contact or a relationship?

(think I posted before on this issue and probably urged you to talk your own abuse through with a professional)

Hope you're ok

you still having any sort of relationship with this man and with your DC gives out the message that what he did is ok, acceptable and has not really affected you as deeply as it clearly has.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but i do not see how a relationship with him can be healthy for your or your child

terrible situation

i think you really have to have gone through what we have to possibly understand it.

i was abused by my uncle from a very young age and like you never spoke about it. years later when my mum died (he was mums sisters husband) i spoke about it once. i can see now i just buried it away.

very recently i went to another aunties funeral. he was there. at that exact moment i made a decision - i needed to let him know i remembered what he did and had to ask his wife why i was put in the bed between them both and not in any of the other 3 kids beds who were in the house at the same time. i used to stay at their house frequently.

i waited till he went outside for a cig with his daughter, his wife and an aunty who is meant to me my godmother but just competely looks down her nose at me. i had not had one drink was wanted to remember every detail of it. i said everything i wanted to as well as the sooner the throat cancer he has kills him the sooner the word will be a safer place for all kids. and do you know afterwards not his wife or his daughter came up to me and asked me a single question about it. i know if someone has accused my dad i would be furious as id know it wouldnt be true. he didnt deny it just said he couldnt remember whilst not being able to look me in the face. they left staight away after.

i feel as if i have closure now. he will be dead soon and the sooner the better. and im so glad i did it.

i would never have let him within an inch of ds but i do understand why i kept it to myself for all those years.

my god mysons ..you are very brave for doing that..well done you. I am glad you have closure. x

Thank you all

abitmessedup, I have no personal experience of this (thank God). But it might be helpful to think about this from ds's POV. Someone you allow into his life and spend time with - even if he's never alone - is someone who he will see as 'approved' by you. Someone safe. Someone to whom 'stranger danger' warnings just don't apply. (He may be too little for this now, but it will become an issue later.)

I think it would be very traumatic for ds when he's older to discover Uncle Tom or Grandad or whoever - someone he knows personally - had abused you. And I think he'd find it hard to trust you, after that.

FWIW when I was little a very close friend of the family suddenly went out of our lives - we were told the couple, who were like an aunt and uncle to us, had got divorced. The man turned up on our doorstep, drunk, one day. Our au pair put the chain on the door and told him she wasn't allowed to let anyone in while my mother was out. We were saying 'Oh, but it's Uncle Tim' but she followed what I now realise were my mother's instructions and kept him out. Very upsetting all round - we were so confused and distressed to see him in such a state.

Years later my mother told me what had really happened - he had been exposed as a child abuser and his wife had thrown him out. I'm very glad he wasn't allowed in. Even though our au pair was there, it would still have been horrible to discover my mother had let him be around after this had happened, IYSWIM.

Hi abitmessedup. I've changed my name I'm afraid but have spoken to you about this before.

I had contact with my grandfather after he abused me as a child over several years. I thought I had protected my siblings as I made sure I was with them all the time he was around but subsequently found out (when I was a teenager) that it had happened to them too and I was devastated.

My gfather used to 'abuse' me when my parents were there, without them even noticing.

For example, he'd send me to the shop to buy something and tell me to put the change in my pocket. When I came back from the shops, he'd ask me to go into the kitchen to put the shopping down (rest of family in the lounge) - he'd come in and 'pretend' to put his hand into my pocket to get the change but what he'd actually do is put his hand down my pants and have a good feel . Obviously, I stopped putting change in my pocket but I'm just demonstrating how HORRIFIC and MANIPULATIVE these men can be.

I have only put all this behind me because I went to the police. No-one supported me in doing it - I just knew I had to and I feel FAR better now. Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking still having contact with him - in a way, I feel like I must have been condoning it (which I wasn't) but I think I must have still been 'under the spell' to a certain extent.

You know what you have to do - you must stop contact with him. There is no other answer to this problem but you have to come to that conclusion yourself. Please keep on talking - it's what saved me in the end.

I don't know if it's possible abitmessedup, but maybe you don't need to explain yourself to anybody, just make up excuses when events arise so you don't have to see him. Or even say "I don't want to see him but I don't want to talk about it". You don't owe anybody an explanation you know, particularly people who failed to protect you from this man when you were a little girl.

Thanks edam and globe. This is still not what I want to hear

Elizabetth, thats probably how this'll all start. I won't be able to make excuses forever though.

I have a feeling this is all going to erupt before I have to make a decision anyway. It's not going to be pretty.

can't be arsed to change my name again (globe) arrghhh

you know, the joy of mumsnet is that you're bound to hear the truth abitmessedup!

It is a conclusion you have to reach in your own time but I PROMISE you, no matter how many people you ask, no-one would think you were wise for keeping contact with him, let alone exposing your children to him. That's a fact I'm afraid.

But you need to find that inner strength to walk away from him and cut him out of your life.

I think uou are within your rights to cut ties with this person without any explanations. I cannot imagine any scenartio when I would eant my child to have any contact with someone who had abused me. My stepfather tried to sexually abuse me and ws violent to all of us. If I ever saw him today I think I would lose all decorum. It isn';t something I think about a lot thank god, but in tyhe moments when I have thought I have seen him on the street, people who remind me of him, etc, I become murderously angry!

And I think you need to get some counslling, if you haven't already.

Aaah, it's you foxinsocks! Thanks... I do know you're right. And i knew this is what people would say. And I knew I didn't want to hear it. But I needed to see it. Does this make any sense at all?

I'm sorry I haven't read all the posts but i just wanted to direct you to a thread which i'm sure you will find very helpful. It's called "But we took you to stately homes - A thread for adult children from abusive families" in Relationships. Please have a look there, you will find a lot of help, advice and support. x

what he did wasn't pretty a bit messed up. and the fall out will be down to what HE did, not down to you.

it is not your responsibility that there will be rucktions because of what HE did.

and the rucktions may help you on your journey to finding some kind of understanding of and anger about what happened.

yes, it's me . I am crap at name changing!

I can understand where you are.

You know, it's such a hard step to take and I think it's difficult for other people to understand that.

What you need to keep in mind, is that it's NOT a hard decision. The decision is easy. It's dealing with the fallout and having the strength to stick with it and ride the storm. In a way, I found that all easier because the police were involved - it made it more 'real' iyswim.

As I said, KEEP on talking because talking about it will keep you sane and even if a thousand people have to say to you, 'YES, it's the right thing to do', eventually, you will believe it.