If you were sexually abused as a child and still have contact with your abuser...

[abitmessedup]

how do you deal with this? And, more importantly, what about your children?

I have posted about this before but, briefly, I was abused by a family member. I have a relatively good relationship with him now - in that I see him periodically. The abuse stopped and was never discussed. It's as if it never happened. But we both know it did.

Because I still see this man, chances are DS will have some kind of relationship with him. And it disgusts me.

I know I can never leave DS alone with him. But is it really appalling for them to have a relationship (grandparent-type).

Please don't get me wrong: I do not condone what he did to me. I will never come to terms with it. In fact, it has caused me no end of problems and I will never be at peace with what happened.

I'm just very confused.

I don't want a new nickname, I like my usual one!

Anyway, I'm hopeless at self-censorship, so I'd still end up giving away identifying details. I'd rather keep a separate name for talking about the heavy stuff.

ABMU, I may CAT you anyway in the next couple of days -- you don't have to respond.

FFF2 and HBANN, and anyone else who has posted or lurked on here -- do CAT me if you'd like to. I am very far from sorted myself, but just getting to the point where I am beginning to be able to talk. And electronic communication is so much easier than face to face.

xx

Thanks obm.

dontwanttohide - I feel the same about hiding behind this name. I wish I felt comfortable posting under my regular name.

Please do CAT me. And anyone else.

ABMU, was so pleased to see that you decided to post again here. Your post showed your strength and was very generous.

I have set up an email address for anyone who wants to talk more privately. If others have already set an alternative 'talking space', please could you add me in. For the sake of simplicity, its [email protected].

ABMU, I couldnt help noticing the time of your post, hope you ok.

ABMU, I have tried to CAT you, but it says there is no record of you? Maybe you have elected not to receive CAT?

I am on CAT, so feel free to contact me, or post an email address I can send to.

HBANN, will email you on the address you gave.

xx

Oh, maybe CAT doesn't work on name changes?

I wasn't going to post this but I've done it before, so you can email me at abitmessedup @ gmail dot com

Hope everyone is ok.

ABMU and hbann, have emailed you.

I cut all ties with my mums brother as few years ago. I suffered abuse when I was very young (5-6yo) and my mum found out and told my GP. They spoke to him and it stopped.

Problem was no one ever spoke to me about it and that cause a lot of problems later on as I blamed myself for what happened.

I left my country of birth when I was 18 and made a conscious decision to have no more contact. Subsequentely I did councelling sessions which were very helpful. I also told my father and my brothers about what happened and they were very supportive and cut all ties as well. I just could not have them looking up to someone and liking someone who caused me so much harm.

I feel a lot stronger now and my DP and I are expecting our first child next month. I get on with my life and never ever want to see him again. I even avoid going to the town where he lives when I visit.

I know that from my point of view cutting all ties with this person really made me feel like I was taking back control of my life. I subsequentely learned in councelling that control is what it's all about and as a child you have no control. So making the decision to cut this evil person from my life was the best thing I have ever done.

phatmouse comments like that are extremely unhelpful and downright nasty, to even talk anonymously on a forum like this takes an enormous amount of courage, so finding the strength to report abuse especially when its by a member of your own family, is for many inconceivable.
your insinuation that we are offereing our children to them is vile and distgusting, there is no-one more vigilant than me when it comes to protecting my daughter.
perhaps a little sympathy and support is to much to expect but at least be grateful that this is obviously a situation of which you have no experience.

BOLLOCKS!!!

My comments are well founded. Imagine your kid going to a party the grandparents are there and the grandad touches your kid up. You then find out that not only was it know that the man was a pedo, but it was know by his wife and her daughter, at which point do they stop being the victims, which one do you choke first. I was always taught when I was little, if you get lost always go to a mum with a child, because mums trust mums, which mum would EVER put their child at any risk.

Think what you like about what I said but its true, while you do nothing about it and play happy clappy familys with these perverts you are putting everyones children at risk.

Phatmouse your comments are uninformed, reactionary and not at all helpful. Why don't you go away and post to another thread. And that, in the circs, is very polite.

ABMU - my heart goes out to you, and I understand why you are trying to avoid the inevitable. I hope you manage to resolve it in someway.

Sorry this isn't more helpful, but I think other people have already said everything I would say.

I haven't read the whole thread yet.

I just wanted to say that I was abused by my maternal grandfather from the age of 9 until I was 16. He saw my eldest son once whhen he was about 6 months old and that was only because I didn't know my grandparents were going to be at my parents house. I was there for a few minutes, never left DS, didn't let my grandfather near him and left as soon as DH could get there to take me home safely (I was still terrified of him at this point)

Thankfully my grandfather committed suicide when my son was about 3 so since then I haven't had to even think about him being around him or my 2 subsequent sons, but if he was still around, he would not be a part of their lives or mine. I have a very limited relationship with my grandmother because of what he did and what she knew about it and as a result I would never trust her with my children - ever...and she knows it.

My grandfather abused me when there were others in the house, when there were even others in the room (he made it look like he was playing iyswim) He was a very devious man who would use any excuse to get me alone.

So no, I wouldn't allow this man to have any kind of relationship with your child. But ultimately it is up to you.