If you were sexually abused as a child and still have contact with your abuser...

[abitmessedup]

how do you deal with this? And, more importantly, what about your children?

I have posted about this before but, briefly, I was abused by a family member. I have a relatively good relationship with him now - in that I see him periodically. The abuse stopped and was never discussed. It's as if it never happened. But we both know it did.

Because I still see this man, chances are DS will have some kind of relationship with him. And it disgusts me.

I know I can never leave DS alone with him. But is it really appalling for them to have a relationship (grandparent-type).

Please don't get me wrong: I do not condone what he did to me. I will never come to terms with it. In fact, it has caused me no end of problems and I will never be at peace with what happened.

I'm just very confused.

BTW - it will be fine because you'll make it fine. You're a brave strong woman and you will do what it takes to protect your family - you must believe that above all else

I'm sorry, Cowardice, didn't mean to upset you. But I do feel it bears thinking about. Especially given the posters who have said that they were abused in a room with other people who were oblivious.

The thing is there are people saying "of course you should see this man", abitmessedup - your family. The fact that your mum has stuck with him and I guess expects you to see him rather than saying to you "I can't get away but keep yourself and your son as far away from him as possible", must make it very difficult for you to decide the right thing to do. Your mum has normalised what he has done as part of family life. It's a very powerful message she's sent you. That must make you feel very confused and pulled in two directions.

I think you'll do what's right for you and your DS. You wouldn't be posting about not seeing him if you weren't thinking seriously about it, even if those thoughts are in their very earliest stages.

abit, I am sorry if I upset re the whole blame suggestion, that wasn't my intention, at all.

That is just how it 'appeared' to me. I was wrong...I'm sorry.

Please don't stop posting, this is your thread & I would rather leave it than have you feel you shouldn't post anymore.

I can imagine it isn't easy for you & like you say, you want it to be OK for him to see your son.

Maybe try a couple of visits, see how it goes, how you feel during & after.

Sorry that we can't give you the answer you need, but only you can do that.

Good Luck.

And your confidential name is not the right description of you. You aren't a coward. You are someone who has suffered a terrible wrong at the hands of someone who should have protected you. And you are ... oh, I dunno, coping sounds so mealy-mouthed, but you are clearly doing stuff to protect yourself and your family rather than being a passive victim. IYKWIM - am probably putting that very badly indeed but you are not a coward.

cross posts, my last one was addressed to 'cowardice'.

Edam, you didn't upset me, you just give me food or thought.

I hadn't been thinking that I was building the kids' trust in him.

I guess I never have thought of the day that dd would need to know her granda was a peadophile That's what he is, I know

Thing is.. and every person who was abused by a family member will tell you... you still have love for the good time. You magnify those as to make the bad times not as bad.. you tend to remember the better times, the times when things were "normal". You tend to recall the happier times, before you realised what the fuck was going on.

I have written letters to him, they are in the attic. I will probably never send them to him, but the fact they are there helps keep me strong on the bad days.

"Coping" is ok

I am coping.

I am a lot more level headed than my sisters. I credit the counselling & the fact I can talk to my lovely, trusting, gentle dh.

My sisters are all different I guess.

One is anorexic & in an abusive relationship.

Another runs miles at a time to "clear her head"

The other buries her head in the sand & has no grasp on reality.

The other is pretty much the same, she has been with a guy since she was 15, she's now 40 & as much as she says she loves him, would rather kill herself than tell him her story.

I chose to tell my doctor my story when I was pregnant with my first child. When she was born I hit rock bottom as the enormity of what he had done to his own children hit me: There I was with a child who needed me completely..like I needed him at a time, but he let me down.

My doctor was great, referred me to counselling, signed me off work etc.. just what she thought was best. I took it into my own hands though, started making something of myself, educating myself (he always labelled me stupid) I have to date passed GCSEs Alevels & am just about finishing my degree. I chatted to you Edam on another thread lately re: my degree, as the outcome would be to get a job in your line of work (shorthand convo)

Oh, right! How's it going?

and btw I think people who have done something before going into the career you want are much better than those who just do school/uni/career. A bit of experience of everyday life really helps you to understand people or at least have some chance of grasping what they are on about (and whether they are on the level...). Although that could be prejudice because I did something else first.

Yeah, OK. Had exam before Xmas for NCTJ but think I failed it. Have more exams next week, fingers crossed they'll go OK.

Have you gone to bed ABMU?

yeah, I had a chat with my tutor last week & she advised me to definitely do the MA. She said I have the "right personality" whatever she meant by that I didn't think too much into it

nameanon
?so i still have to see him quite often and have him around my kids.?
No, you DON?T have too, you either choose to or feel obliged to

abitmessedup
?My mum and I have occasionally spoken about it but it's not something we need to talk about a lot.?
But you DO, this concerns YOUR child, it NEEDS to be talked about, it IS serious

?My heart goes out to all of you, but really, break the cycle now.?
Exactly.
This is a hard, delicate topic, but you must realize that you need to do the right thing for YOUR family. Your mum, although your mum, is condoning the abuse by not supporting you in not wanting your child to see its Gf. That is NOT right. I have seen it before, I will prob see it many times again, but that does NOT make it right.
This child needs to be kept well away from Gf, no contact, no relationship. If that upsets you I think you need to go and see a professional counceller. Your child is dependant on YOU, for his needs, like warmth, shelter food etc, and to be kept from harm.
Bx to saying? well I never leave them alone? abuse happens. It happens 1-2-1 and it happens whilst there are many other people around. Abusers are clever in making sure no one notices and that the child is too scared to grass them up.

Please
Do the right thing for your son. Please.

That might have seemed an aggressive or rude post, it wasnt meant to be. but please, do the right thing protect your son 100%

Abitmessup....I don't know really, both my parents know and nothing was said really and it wasn't really acknowledged tbh, but i do think if it came down to it, it would be me who was pushed out not him so it is a difficult situation to be in really.

See my situation is different as the abuse was when i was between the ages of 7 - 10 yrs old so my brother was 12 - 15yrs, even though it is still abuse, he wasn't an adult himself not that i am saying this excuses it at all as at that age you know what you are doing is wrong. I do now view it as it was a experimental type thing for him, i really do not think he would do anything to a child as an adult, and he has punished himself over the years, no job, drugs, sleeping around etc etc.

I did talk to him about it not long ago, and all he said was...he couldn't remember doing the "full act" (that only happened the once, then it all stopped, he prob scared himself) and he also said my auntie had abused him he never apologized or anything.

I don't know

Forgot to add, i think if the abuser was an adult when the abuse took place in the first place, there is no way i would allow him near my children. As regards my brother, i NEVER aloow him alone with my children - NO WAY!

Also the other thing about my brother, is he does work away from home now, so i only see him once every 2 months.

A friend of mine has a sister who was abused by their father. They're in their thirties now and after years of silence the 'victim' has chosen to send a letter to her father and to her siblings to expose what happened and demand an apology.

The letter went out a few months ago and caused shockwaves throughout the family. The father was immediately remorseful and, difficult though it is, they seem to be managing to sort things out a little now.

I can't help feeling these things MUST be brought out into the open if any lasting healing is to occur.

i know this didn't happen to me but i am very close to my mum and i know the pain she's been through with it so thought i'd share to help you....

my mum was abused as a child by her older brother, he was the oldest by a good 5 years, and of 6 children my mum was the youngest...he used to sexually and verbally ubuse her while he was 'babysitting' and then would put some pennies under her pillow and say it was her present for being such a good sister.... it started when she was about 5/6 so she didn't realise it was wrong.....it continued until she was about 11....hapening once a week or so when my nan had her night at bingo, she was none the wiser, and at the time it seemed the other brothers and sisters didn't know what was happening either....

well when my mum was 11 he moved out of the family home to be closer to his work (as he was now about 25 i think)....and my mum didn't say a thing....even though at that point she'd just realised it was wrong, but after it had been going on so long she thought it was her fault for letting it....

she is terribly scarred by everything that happened, and still even now (30+ yrs on) has periods of depression caused by this. I remember as a kid we were allowed to socialise with him, nothing had been said about what happened still but i always felt tension from my mum when my uncle was somewhere....then one day when i was about 6 or so i remember we were all at another aunties house and he gave me some money in the garden and said it was for being a good neice, and i should go in and ask my mum if he could take me to the shop... i went in and told my mum my uncle had given me the money and why and could i go to the shop and she just started crying, asked my other aunty to look after me and my 2 sisters (them being too young to remember at 3yo and 1yo)

mum went outside and confronted him, then came inside and we went home, he was pleading with my mum for something, i didn't know what at the time, but mum's since told me it was not to tell the family..... we never saw him again, but the week after that all happened my mum sent a letter to her mum, and her siblings outing him for what he'd done and hoped it would help her have closure and explain why she didn't want him near her or her family....it seemed that the way he gave me money and the reasons he gave it me reminded her of what a horrible horrible man he is!!

said uncle is currently on his death bed with cancer and has only been given 6mths to live but none of the family wants to know, it seems he did the same thing to 3 of my mums other siblings too, and it's since surfaced that he did it to one of my cousins who lived with him during the week so he could attend a better school that he got a schollarship for.

my mum and my other aunts and uncles think its their fault for not saying anything earlier....

i'm not saying this man IS going to harm your dc the way he harmed you but it happened in our family....and people who do such horrible things should not be allowed to feel you have forgiven them just because you keep it locked inside, by coming on here and asking advice about this just shows you havent and you are not ready to forgive him for what he did. if having your child in his precence makes you feel weary then that is the best way you can realise just what he did to you....you need to speak to someone in your family and tell them what he did, you cant keep it bottled up, and if you found out he'd done it to someone else since you'd end up blaming yourself for it like my mum does with my cousin!!

i hope you can find a way to deal with this and get this man out of yours and your family's life....IMO what he's done to you (no matter how bad, its hurt you) its unforgivable, you were a child!!

sorry just realised how long my story i mean post was!! sorry for that, hope you read it all, it just made sence to me to write it all down to you....

why dont you confront him and say what you did to me was really bad. (DONT KNOW WHAT BUT SOUNDS VERY SAD FOR YOU)SORRY TO SAY HE IS STILL IN CONTROL OF YOUR MIND AND FEELINGS.YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SELF TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM.DONT LET HIM WIN AS YOU WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF.Too bad if other family members get hurt you was the one hurting and still are.who does he think he is a sadddo who has to get his kicks from kids.NOT HAVING A GO AT YOU BUT DONT LET HIM STILL BE ABLE TO GET TO YOUR MIND.i THINK I WOULD HAVE HAD TO CONFRONT HIM BY NOW SO HE KNOWS ITS NOT ON .I WOULD ALSO REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE.WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?SORRY TO GO ON BUT I HATE TO THINK OF YOU HURTING IN FEELINGS.WALK AWAY AND DONT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM.bE STRONG I KNOW IT EASIER SAID THAN DONE .GOOD LUCK.

ABMU Hi honey i wanted to post on here because you have always offered me lots of support on my thread (childhood sexual abuse - in feeling depressed). you will know from my thread that i maintained a relationship with my abuser (also stepfather) for over 20 yrs. but since having dd i found it harder to maintain the facade that all was well, and although he never was alone with dd, whenever he used to hold or kiss her i would feel physically sick and it was all i could do not to snatch her away from him.
eventually i couldnt stand it any longer and my need to protect my daughter overrid any need to shelter my family from the truth (which is what i had done all those years). i suspect that this in time will come to you.

for all those of you have posted but never been abused, i understand that you could never begin to imagine how we could allow our dc's contact with these evil men but that feeling of fear, shame and embarrassment never really leaves you. i have always been a family person, and the thought of hurting them by reporting him seemed unbearable, but breaking contact without giving the real reason isnt rreally possible.
i did report him last year and the fallout was massive. i have lost half of my family and my mum chose not to believe me and stay with him. however the relief i felt afterwards was immense and i have no regrets at all.

i guess what i want to say to you all is please dont judge ABMU for the decesions she is currently making, this really is a situation where you really have to have been there to fully understand and we all have to live with our choices, whatever they may be.

COWARDICE i have been through a similar situation with my siblings, if you want to talk privately please feel free to email me on [email protected]. that goes for anyone else too. much love to you all xxx

I'm certainly not judging, btw. Just trying to give an outsider's perspective.

abit - its completely your decision about the contact between your son and step dad - you asked if you this would be a 'bad thing' - the bad thing would have been not to ask the question. Only you know the true situation and risk.

I would only add - if you decide to have contact between them, then can you be quite specific about how you manage the risk. I know for child protection stuff its a case of thinking about layers of protection for the child - making sure the child has a language to describe and understand body parts and touching (so maybe making sure he has that education and that language early), then making sure he knows about good touching and bad touching, and how to say no. Making sure you have a really open communication with your son so he would always come to you. making sure that your mum and step dad know that you have educated your son and he's not vulnerable, and what the consequences will be if they break the rules. There are other things (not leaving them alone together etc.) which you've probably already considered.

I think you've been brave to post and brave to think of this and hope you can find a decision that fits with you, your family and what you can live with. I haven't been through this so can only imagine this must be incredibly painful and unfair.

I think the fact that you are questioning it is a good thing. I found it went in stages...

a) ignoring it
b) denying it
c) asking myself, repeatedly, the question (as to what I should do)
d) asking others very close to me the question (like 1 or 2 people) and talking about it on here
e) taking the decision to go to the police, cut contact and feeling absolutely terrified
f) having the worst 6 months living with it (it makes it real, that's half the problem isn't it)
g) starting to realise I had done the right thing
h) feeling vindicated
i) managing to talk about it in real life (noticed I did this the other day without even thinking about it when someone brought up the topic in conversation. Was VERY surprised but also secretly pleased ).

That whole process took a year. Obviously, I'd been living with it a lifetime though.

EVERYONE is different so I don't presume that you will go through the same thing but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't go to counselling but I find it hard talking to other people about things that are personal to me iyswim. I feel edgy even writing this and would prefer if this was all in chat and would disappear! If you have managed to have counselling then that's brilliant and perhaps it will help you move to the next stage!

Thanks sparkles, I think the counselling I have had has helped me immensely. I choose now not to talk about it & the only time I do is on here if I think it will help others in the same situation.

Abitmessedup, how are you today darling?