If you were sexually abused as a child and still have contact with your abuser...

[abitmessedup]

how do you deal with this? And, more importantly, what about your children?

I have posted about this before but, briefly, I was abused by a family member. I have a relatively good relationship with him now - in that I see him periodically. The abuse stopped and was never discussed. It's as if it never happened. But we both know it did.

Because I still see this man, chances are DS will have some kind of relationship with him. And it disgusts me.

I know I can never leave DS alone with him. But is it really appalling for them to have a relationship (grandparent-type).

Please don't get me wrong: I do not condone what he did to me. I will never come to terms with it. In fact, it has caused me no end of problems and I will never be at peace with what happened.

I'm just very confused.

Agree with fox - it must be an incredibly hard step to take and people who are lucky enough to have no direct experience of this (like me) can only guess at how bloody hard it is.

If you don't want to tell your family what happened, can you just avoid this person? Or would that not work? You don't have to explain, you know - I realise it is a normal impulse but actually you are allowed to say 'no, thanks, I'm not coming to X event' without giving a reason. Or 'no thanks, I don't want to see person Y'.

Anyway you know you always have MN if you need to sound off, don't you? Sadly there seem to be an awful lot of people on here who do have that direct experience. And I'm sure they will be a lot more bloody use than those of us who haven't and are just sympathising without any knowledge!

I'm grateful for any responses, edam, whether you have experienced this or not.

Foxinsocks, I'm not a good namechanger so fear that soon enough I will either forget or become lazy and post under my usualy name. Not that it would be a terrible thing - I don't even know why I feel the need to namechange. I just do!

My family (inc. my abuser) do know about it - we have actually spent quite a lot of time together. Like I said, this happened 20 years ago. I have put it behind me, as much as I can. It doesn't mean I think it is ok but that I was able to get on with my life. Now I have DS, it is different.

And yes monkeytrousers, I have had counselling.

maybe you need to get some more. at the same time as you enforce this?

Sorry haven't read all the posts so I might be repeating what others have said. A similar thing happened to me with an uncle. Only he, myself (and dh who was the only person i ever told knew about it) so the sitn is slightly different. Fortunately he died before my ds was born, but this man did abuse me in a room full of people so I would say you being there 100% of the time is no guarantee that nothing would happen. I do know however that if he was still alive ds would definately not be having any kind of relationship with him ever.

abitmessedup, I feel for you, very badly.

Do you think you might still be taking your cues from the painful behaviour of your family?

You say they know about the abuse and are still allowing this person in their lives. I think that on some level this must feel like a terrible betrayal.

You are asking whether this kind of betrayal is normal, I think, and whether it's inevitable to hand this betrayal down to the next generation?

My answer would be: It's very common for children (even adult children like you) to be betrayed, which is a very sad thing. But it's definitely not okay.

Could you 'model' this truth for your son, so that he learns a different way? You could make it clear to your family that your son and this man are never to meet, and remind them, in bald terms and without mincing your words, why.

In the future, your son will be proud, I think, that you stood firm against both the abuser, and your family, who betrayed you by continuing to accept the man who damaged you so badly.

I haven't read all the replies for sorry if I duplicate at all.

My half sister was abused by her step father and although her mother was aware she never left her husband and so my sister was forced out to live elsewhere (early teens)

She kept the realtionship with her mum and step dad, however this was distant and she deserved a medal or something.
She had children and although and they were very much a part of her mum and Step dad's life, however never without her.

It did all blow up in the end with my sister confronting the whole situation which hadn't been talked about for a good 25 years!

After a couple of years of not talking to each other, they managed to build some bridges in the beginning and it actually had a very healing expereince for my sister and she was able to move on. her children never learnt what thier grandfather had done.

Your situation is different in that it is a secret between the 2 of you. I feel you are carrying such a burden and only you know whether you can carry this without saying anything, confront him or start to distance yourself.

I feel for you and I wish you the best outcome there is xx

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

i was abused by my step dad he still fetches my half sister i dont speak to hi but have had to open door to him he knows what he did as he cant look me i the eye1
my eldest sis has recently told me she has been abused by someone me my dp and dd see weekly she only told me as she was worried he would do it to my dd i have never left dd alone with any man apart from dp and am very wary about taking her places that she will be by strange men because i was abused and two of my sisters were abused and the earlier i can make dd wary of men the better as me and my sisters were all abused under the age of 7!
she is 18mo and as soon as she old enough to understand she will be told

This is a slightly different perspective. I think that being through what you've been through, you would protect your son with eveything you had. I think it's you that need protecting. Because this man is your life, in your head and influencing decision you make about your family. What if you never saw him again? How does that thought seem? Does it make you feel relieved or liberated? Why not consider it as an option? Good luck.

abuses thrives on secrecy and denial, it sounds like both of these things have and are still happening within your family.

really sorry abitmessedup - i think I might have got the wrong end of the stick
are you saying your family do know what this man did to you?
Or not? (in which case my post was less than useless, v sorry)

Abitmessedup....You could be me, i am in the almost exact same situation.

My brother abused me when i was a child (he is 5 years older) and no one knows (well my parents do but that is a whole other story!) about it so i still have to see him quite often and have him around my kids. I have no advice really but i just wanted to tell you i am in the same situation and feel the same as you really.

i would keep everyone away from him

Am in similar situation. currently dd's and ds are never alone with gd, and gm has never asked for them to stay. Think she knows if she did the answer would be no.
But dd is nearly 11. Do I just be even more careful?
Only see them a few times a year, and it would break dg's heart if I never let them see gkids.
Could I live with myself if anything happened? Probably not. I'd kill him, and I think he knows it. He knows that I have spoken to someone about what he did, and I think is running scared, and therefore I have the upper hand.
Does he know that you know and could pull the plug at any point so to speak? It may be enough to scare. I don't know either. Everyone's families and situations are so different. Only you know what is right to do at any given point for your children.

Thanks everyone.

Onebatmother, you were right, my family do know. Or at least my mother does. It was my stepfather who abused me - they are still together and, like I say, given what happened I have a relatively good relationship with both of them.

To think that I would never see him again doesn't make me feel better. It wouldn't change the past or how I feel about it.

I don't think this is a secretive as some of you think and I don't know that there is denial. It's just not one of those things you discuss very often. My mum and I have occasionally spoken about it but it's not something we need to talk about a lot.

Neasles & nameanon your posts were very helpful. I was beginning to feel that a) I am the only person in the world to have this problem and b) that I must be a terrible mother to even consider him having contact with someone who did something so vile.

Nameanon, how do you deal with it? Do you feel as though you are doing the right thing?

I spend all my time as a mother protecting my child from situations like this, to knowing put your child in this situation is wrong and you can't do it, whatever your own personal confussion is.

slaphead, that is exactly what I was thinking. Both my parents know what happened. They know I know. Therefore they know I could & would & very well may stop contact with DS or go to the police. Or both.

I don't know what you do about your DD. I suppose be more careful. Do you think you'll ever tell them what happened? This is not nice, is it?

I was abused when i was a kid by a family member as was my sister. He raped my sister which i only found out 3 years ago.

My situation is like your because i still see him periodically and nothing has ever been said about it as i think it would break my mums heart.

Your mum knows?

Peoples mums know what happened to them and still expect them to be able to function around their abuser?

Holy shit, keep your kids away from these people, your view are mixed up by your awful experiances, abuse runs in families for this reason.

My heart goes out to all of you, but really, break the cycle now.

but abit darling, do you really have a relatively good relationship with them? or just one which ticks along only as long as you don't mention the horrible truth?

I so feel for you. I think perhaps the problem that we're not mentioning is your mother's part in this.

I think you sound brilliant (I've been on another thread of yours). And I think your DS needs to know that you are a very different kind of mother from your own mother.

That you won't brush things under the carpet, or put children in harm's way because you're scared of the fallout. That you will protect him and other children. Hope you find the strenght.x

.

abitmessedup, I know that you have had lots of advice here, much of which, you have said yourself isn't what you want to hear.

Why is that? It's almost like you are just going along with this so your mum & SD don't get upset. Which is wrong, you are the one who shouldn't be upset & in this impossible place. If it were me, as my daughter you wouldn't even HAVE to make this choice, as that man, husband or not would be out of both our lives for what he did.

Your mum is saying that she accepts, maybe even condones what he did to you, I know you say that isn't so, but she is...why else would she stay with him & ask you to cary on as if nothing had happened? And now, because she can accept it, you feel as if you should accept it & you are passing that request of acceptance down to your son. Which just keeps this man feeling smug that he has got away with ruining your life. Because he has. And yes, I am afraid that that does give him cart blance to think he can get away with it again.

As others have said, they were abused in the same room as others, in a house full of others...it is possible that if this person WANTS to abuse your son, he will find a way & what is to stop him this time? No consequences for what he did before. The mother of the child he abused still loves him & stays with him, you still see him...what consequence there?

I am very passionate about this, as my brother abused his daughters (2) & his daughter's friend. He did his time, but shows NO remorse, thinks he was right to do what he did, as he 'owned his family' & the friend willingly came into his house, so she was 'up for it' (his words) too. He is out now & has a new name & is in a new county. We are not allowed to know who he is or where he is. He is almost free to do what he likes.

While his daughters give themselves to anyone who offers them attention, because they think that is what love is. They are out there somewhere, no one knows. They ran away after their mum vowed to stick by him (even tho she has a younger daughter at home who was around 1 when he went inside, so only 10/11 now), because she has never known life without him. But as it turns out, he isn't allowed near them. But the doesn't mean that the wife isn't where he is, right now, playing happy families. We know that he called her after he came out, which he shouldn't have done.

I loved him so much, he was the eldest & he was my hero growing up. I would sleep in is bed when he was away at friends just because I wanted to be close to him. Now I hate him because he made all that so tainted, it all felt so wrong.

Even if he were still in the 'family' there is NO way my dcs would EVER see him. In any way. That would be like I too was condoning what he had done.

My other brothers said that "the day I had to ask my own dcs if their Uncle L had touched was the worse day of my life & I wish they were never in that situation in the first place"

One day (if you continue to see this man & allow your son to) you will feel compelled to ask your son if your stepdad has touched him, because the wondering, even if you are there 100%, will also always be there too. How will you feel, having to ask him that? How will you feel if he says 'Yes'?

Only difference, abit, is that my other brothers didn't know about L's abuse.

In all honesty, it is like you are wanting us all to say "Yes, it will be fine. Of course you can let your son see this man"

So then you can blame US when something does happen & not yourself, because you obviously feel so much blame already & can't take anymore.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Ithappenedin... You're quite right, I do want everyone to say "Yes, it will be fine. Of course you can let your son see this man" because that's how I want things to be. But I know that no-one can say that. I know it isn't true. I know that. That's why I posted. It isn't about wanting to blame anyone else.

I don't think I should post about this any more.

Oh do keep posting abitmessedup. I can't be arsed to namechange but this thread has helped me enormously whilst making me

FWIW, I would do as other posters have suggested - keep your distance (and therefore your DCs distance) in order to ensure their safety and your peace of mind.

One day you might be ready to share this information with your family and take further steps but until you do, don't feel pushed into anything.

You've asked this before abitmessedup.

Has something happened to bring it all up again?

This is the name I use for posting this stuff.. I was abused as a child by my very own father. As was my sisters.

None of us spoke about it until about 8 years ago. Then we all realised that our mum never knew what was going on. I had 18months of counselling and came to terms with my feelings of loss.

Actually I understand where you are coming from in that I still have contact with my father. Very sporadically, but it's there. I will maybe see him 2 weeks ina row and then not for another 6 months.

Edam, what you have said about allowing my children contact with him has stuck a bit with me.. I never felt I was letting them down as I am always there when he is, in the same room & my children nevr go near him. Now I feel I must rethink.. I guess I have been living with the thought that I am doing my damned best to protect them from him.

My dh knows all about what has went on. My sisters' dh's don't. Well, one sister's husband does & uses it against her. he said if she ever leaves him (it's an abusive relationship) he will use our past against her to get custody of their boys. Part of me doesn't give a shit if he tells all as it would save me the job...

But as part of my counselling I was advised to prosecute him... I asked my sisters & they all refused to back me up as it would wreck their families One of them also said that it would kill our mother as she idolised her own father & she would blame herself for not noticing.

So you see, I do understand where you are coming from.. and I have told you what I do.. however as your mum knows about the abuse & I assume has stayed with your step father, your situation is slightly different. I do think that if my mum had've known it wouldn't have made a difference They were different times then, we had a large family, she would have had nowhere to go and isn't as savvy as people are these days (Not that I am in any way condoning what he did, he was & still is an evil fucking bastard).