If you were sexually abused as a child and still have contact with your abuser...

[abitmessedup]

how do you deal with this? And, more importantly, what about your children?

I have posted about this before but, briefly, I was abused by a family member. I have a relatively good relationship with him now - in that I see him periodically. The abuse stopped and was never discussed. It's as if it never happened. But we both know it did.

Because I still see this man, chances are DS will have some kind of relationship with him. And it disgusts me.

I know I can never leave DS alone with him. But is it really appalling for them to have a relationship (grandparent-type).

Please don't get me wrong: I do not condone what he did to me. I will never come to terms with it. In fact, it has caused me no end of problems and I will never be at peace with what happened.

I'm just very confused.

I trhink if you can get to the point where it doesn't define who you are then you are in as good a place as possible.

I dunno how I feel to be honest about all this talk of 'adult children' though I know it is an accurate description of how abused people will feel - always wanting the validation from their parents that they never, and most probably never will, get.

But one the the major breatkthroughs is taking reponsiblity for yourself and letting the past go.

The whole 'adult child' thing might be something you haev to go throug, but I wouldn;t hold onto it for anything longer than you needed to. Best to try to be an adult adult.

Anyway, I'm not criticising! Just voicing a bit of uneasyness about it from a personal POV.

Hope you're okay abitmessedup?

glitterandsparkle - that's a v good point. I really hope none of us who haven't suffered childhood sexual abuse come across as judgmental tho. I think we all understand how hard it is to disrupt whatever daily security you have, by confronting a huge problem like this. It's very, very scary.

Monkeytrousers - slightly confused by the tone of your post..
I think I'm the only person who mentioned 'adult children', and that was in the context of the abuse that the OP suffered continuing to impact upon her in adult life.

You sound a bit as if you're bringing your politics (anti-psychotherapeutic?) into a very delicate thread.

Monkey trousers, can you explain what you mean by the adult child & adult adult thing?

IME people who have survived childhood abuse always feel the need to reassurance, not just or only from their abusers.

No OBM, someone linked to another thread for "adult children", but yes, I take your point, this isn't the place for such musings, even from experience, so apologies to all.

FFF2, hope you don;t mind but answering that question from my experience is a bit inappropriate, as OBM wisely says.

Hope you can sort this out soon Abitmessedup. You have my sympathy, and more so, empathy. I hope you can take control of the situation. Once you do you are on the road to recovery, I just wanted to say that recovery is possible. Good luck

It scares me to think that you know that these pedo's are out there and have done nothing about it and are practically offering your kids to them in in turn mine.

What happened to you all is heartbreaking but there is no excuse for having your children around these people.

I on the otherhand do not have the luxury of knowing who these unprosectuted pedo's are.

phatmouse comments like that are extremely unhelpful and downright nasty, to even talk anonymously on a forum like this takes an enormous amount of courage, so finding the strength to report abuse especially when its by a member of your own family, is for many inconceivable.
your insinuation that we are offereing our children to them is vile and distgusting, there is no-one more vigilant than me when it comes to protecting my daughter.
perhaps a little sympathy and support is to much to expect but at least be grateful that this is obviously a situation of which you have no experience.

Good god Phatmouuse do you really think what 'we' have is a fucking LUXURY

Sorry to everyone who are helping each other on this thread, I was almost going to post stuff I have nefver had the guts to post before but comments like yours Phatmouse make it impossible

magnolia please dont be put off by disgraceful comments like phatmouse's. however if dont feel that you want to post on here please feel free to CAT me and i will email you back.
i also started a childhood sexual abuse thread in this topic under the name iamasurvivor, if you want to know my story xx

Phatmouse, let me just spell out to you (and anyone else outraged at the very idea of contact with a once-abusive family) WHY this is a dilemma. I think people who see this from the outside are visualising the abuser as a devil with horns. In reality, the abuser is woven deep into the whole structure of the family's life, and has good sides as well as bad. To have a blanket policy of 'no contact' puts abused people in a position of having to lose all the positive relationships within their family along with the bad.

My mother is in deep, deep denial about what happened to us (my father abused me and my sisters from when we were very young). He is now dead, but when we he was alive the children did see him, though always closely supervised by me.

If I had kept the children away completely, it would have caused a major family ruckus, in which I would have had to disclose to my mother what had gone on. My sisters would not have supported me in this as they have their own issues and would have bottled out of the confrontation. My mother would have had to choose between me and my dad, and without a shadow of a doubt would have chosen him (which is effectively what she did during our childhood). I would have been painted as the family nutjob, and would have lost contact with my entire extended family, some of whom I am very close to and who were nothing to do with our family situation at home.

Keeping the situation as it was enabled me to have some semblance of a positive relationship with my mother (and yes, it is a very ambivalent one, I am under no illusions that she would be there for me if the chips were down, but still), the children to have a good relationship with her as a grandmother (and whatever her failings as a mum, she has been a very good grandma to them) and them to have a distant relationship with my dad (which was all he wanted anyway). I know they were not abused by him, and while he was alive he managed to share with them some of the things that were the positive sides of his character, and that I was never able to appreciate because our relationship was to damaged by what he had done to me. Nothing can take the damage away from me, but I am glad I managed to salvage a few positive things from the carwreck of my family on behalf of my children.

By all means express your opinions, but I think it behoves anyone who has not been in this situation themselves to exercise great caution in making judgements.

ABMU, I hope you are finding some resolution for your issues.

dontwanttohide, you worded that so well. everything that you did fear would happen if you disclosed, did happen to me. Half my family dont speak to me now, my mum chose to stay with him, my sister and brother who were both interviewed by the police denied that i had told them when i did (11yrs and 6yrs respectively) instead said that i had only told them a couple of months before. consequently the CPS decided it was worth taking to court and no charges were brought against him.

wasnt!!

Thanks glitter, I may start a new thread when I can find a way to put it into words x

I really hope that the OP is still reading this thread, though I am sorry that she has decided to stop 'talking' here.

I am also sorry that some posts that have caused clear offense and remain rooted in blame. Many responses seem to blame ABMU for something that HAS NOT happened to her son, based on her inaction. I think that is grossly unfair and single-minded. I know many responses arer from others also abused, however please understand that a decision NOT to expose the abuser is not taken lightly. In many cases it can even cause more problems than it solves. Suggestions that remaining silent is to be 'complicit', 'accepting', 'permitting' or 'condoning' abusive patterns are so way off the mark.

DWTH, thank you for your post. I hope it helps others to understand even a LITTLE about the complexities of these situations. Sadly though, what you have described is one of the very reasons that I cannot expose my mothers ex-bf for abusing me.

It is not possible to predict the psychological and emotional framework to manage the inevitable fallout of exposing an abuser. Only the person who was abused can determine what the atppopriate course of action is FOR THEM. That means those who do not / cannot expose their abuser are not automatically blameworthy for not doing so.

Im sorry this post is long; I have namechanged several times since joining MN, specifically with a view to post about this issue. I have typed several posts, but have not had the strength to 'post message' as I dont know how I will cope emotionally. I have told NO-ONE about this and this first step is MASSIVE for me. I am sorry that so many others have been in similar situations.

Just wanted to say well done HBANN for your first post on this topic. Hopefully you feel more empowered and in time you may feel you can post more about your situation.

Thanks for that Jacks, to be honest im unlikely to post more about it any time soon, because it means revisiting old feelings and thats too hard for me right now. Also heavily put off by some of the replies ABMU got. Jusy cant do with being adversely judged and being made to feel weak.

I liked your post, HBANN.
In answer to OP... We are lucky that for logistical reasons we very rarely see the abuser, anyway. I have talked a lot with DH and we agree that the ex-abuser must never have chance to spend time alone with DC.
I also don't hesitate to tell any women he gets involved with about what happened, how they take that is their decision, ultimately.

Hi there, Hiding, and welcome.

I've only namechanged because I have posted enough detail under my usual nickname for people to be able to work out who I am, so I can't post this stuff under my real name just in case it gets back to my family.

But I have told a few people about it in RL my sisters and I have talked about it, occasionally, but is usually more about their issues than mine tbh. The first person I ever told was my GP, who is particularly perceptive and very direct she asked, and kept asking, and eventually I figured out that there was something to say. I have told a few friends as well, and obviously my dh knows.

Talking about it does help -- I had quite a bit of therapy in my late 20s, mainly consisting of me sitting in a room not saying very much. It is incredibly hard, but does get easier. I've gone back to therapy since my dad died in the hope that I could start to deal with it a bit better now that he's dead and the immediate family problems are less acute. I've also been taking Prozac for a couple of months, which has helped too. It does gradually get easier.

xx

Sorry ABMU, got so wrapped up in myself that I didnt address your question.

Just wanted you to think about this, in PRINCIPLE, supervised contact appears to be something of a 'solution' BUT I think the practicalities may be more complex than that. For example, have you considered where the line would be drawn? Would you allow your SF to hug, hold or kiss your son? As your son gets older, it may become more difficult to set boundaries.

Would seeing this man with your child cause old feelings to re-surface? (Sorry to say it, but by that I mean on both sides. Yours AND his.) Have you considered how you might deal with that? Im concerned that this man may read you allowing him contact as you forgiving him or accepting his unsaid apology. Would that make you feel worse?

As your family know what he did to you, can you/have you discuss it with them? I really do understand this is a major dilemma and you may find that the solution you seek emerges from that.

Its really a difficult one, because many of the replies seem to superimpose very different feelings from personal
(in)experiences onto your situation. In doing so, the may just be distorting your reality and undermining what you wanted to achieve when you posted this thread.

I dont really know what you can CAT me means, but if its a way of contacting someone away from the public forum, you are welcome CAT me if you wish to keep talking more privately.

HTH

Thanks for your post DWTH (but sorry ABMU for hijacking your thread!), many posts are insightful and useful and I consider even posting here as a 'very major first step' for me.

Someone mentioned another thread that I have been watching, I may become encouraged there to say more.

Don't want to hide & Hiding behind a new name ((((hugs))))

I don't know what to say. I have posted under a different name on down this thread but if I keep that name I will keep posting & it was breaking me on Saturday night/Sun morn to post.

I'm glad you have found the strength to share & also I'm sorry if it opens up old wounds.

Don't want to hide has worded it so so well, there are positive sides of these people & despite hating them & loathing them, there is the love also So so hard to explain unles you've lived through it.

Phatmouse, I hope you are ashamed of yourself for that comment, it's people like you who makes it so hard to speak out.

Thanks for your post FFF2.

I assume that Phat's response was based on inexperience, and im glad for that. But can I just make a polite request for posters think first and consider how attitudes like these can compound these issues and are generally unhelpful - eve to themselves.

FFF2, know what you mena about the namechange thing. Even though i've said that im releuctant to talk more about this, the namechnage seems to have opened the flood-gates (and tear ducts). If i dont change back, I dont know if or when i'll stop.

Noticed that there are other similar threads. Will read up later this evening.

Hugs and support to all who have been there.

Having read this thread again, I couldn?t not post.

To be honest, I fully expected to hear what Phatmouse & others had to say. I know that is how many people feel. That is why I specifically asked for people who had been through this to post about the particular situation I described.

MN has always been such a great resource for all sorts of things, especially something that is not generally discussed in every day life. Where else could you have this type of conversation? It is hardly the sort of thing you bring up at mums & tots.

I am deeply saddened that people who were tempted to post have been put off. And that people who needed/ could have offered support feel that this is not the place.

I wanted you to know how grateful I am to the people who were brave enough to share their experience and offer some insight into how they made their decisions and managed the consequences. I really appreciate your honesty and openness.

Dontwanttohide explained the situation perfectly. Far more eloquently than I could have. And, whilst not ideal, I think the relationships you described are what I was hoping for at least in the short term while I think about what to do next. Glitterandsparkle has highlighted what can happen and why some of us are so reluctant to take further action. Hidingbehindanewname & fireflyfairy2 ? I?m so glad that you understand where I (and the others) am coming from and that you were able to put into words what I couldn?t. And I am dreadfully sorry that other people have been in this situation and have had to make such a decision.

I have said thank you countless times on this thread and will say it again:

To everyone who contributed to this thread. To those who posted support and encouragement on this thread and others in the past. And especially to all who have had the courage to share their stories. I know it is a massive step to post, even anonymously. I wish you all strength and courage to get through this as best you can and live a life with living.

I wanted to write more but I can?t.

If anyone wants to discuss this off-board, please CAT me.

i'll be thinking of you abitmessedup. Really good luck x

Thanks for getting back to us, ABMU, and glad you haven't been driven off the thread completely.

I chose this name because I really hate the fact that I can't use my usual nickname -- I've finally got to the point where I can (sometimes) think straight (a bit) about what happened and am starting to be able to talk about it, and I really resent not being able to identify myself on here to show I'm not ashamed. But I know I have posted enough identifying information under my usual name for people who know me in RL to work out who I am, and I just can't take the risk of being outed by someone who knows my family.

ABMU, should I CAT you? I'd only do it if you feel it would be helpful to you, I don't want to put you under pressure. I'm a reasonably regular, tho' not particularly prolific poster.

I really don't mind people on here knowing who I am, so if anyone would like to CAT me, please do. I don't know if CAT works with changed nicknames, so I'll hang on to this one for a couple of days. Failing that I'll set up a non-identifying email account in case anyone wants to get in touch.

xx

dontwanttohide, you are an exceptional woman.
would a totally new MN nickname be an option?
You could CAT your MN friends and tell them who you are - and then could talk about it without fear of your family knowing?
It's all bloody hard, I know.