I write this as an honest answer. I don't think I am but I do have extremely dark thoughts. I presume everyone does. I sometimes consider how my family would cope without me and weigh up whether they are better off with me or without me. So far, I always come up with the answer the young kids need their mum so I stop fantasising about driving fast into a tree.
I am a very logical thinker. I know that if at some point I think they are better off without me. I will commit suicide. Or at least try...knowing me it would bloody work and I would end up more of a burden.
My friends and family all think I am a strong, cheerful person. I hold down a very stressful job. I'm good at it. I love my children dearly and they are the most important thing in my world. They are literally the only reason I'm here. I would feel like I was being overly dramatic to say I feel suicidal. It isn't that I do feel like I should die, I just don't put any value on me at all. I was told repeatedly as a kid that I was evil, selfish and worthless. Part of me thinks that is an awful thing to say to a child. Part of me wonders if they are telling the truth. Would everyone actually be better off without me? The last thing I would ever want to do is cause pain to my kids. However, I would have been much better without some of the adults in my life. What if they would be better without me? I'm so tired of having this all playing in my head. It is becoming all consuming to the point I can't think straight. We can't afford for me to be off work. However, they would get a big payment to pay off the mortgage if I was dead. It is tempting.
I really don't feel sad. I'm just really tired. I try to be the best person I can be. But is this just to cover for me actually being a fundamentally awful person?