Am I depressed

[allupsidedown]

I write this as an honest answer. I don't think I am but I do have extremely dark thoughts. I presume everyone does. I sometimes consider how my family would cope without me and weigh up whether they are better off with me or without me. So far, I always come up with the answer the young kids need their mum so I stop fantasising about driving fast into a tree.
I am a very logical thinker. I know that if at some point I think they are better off without me. I will commit suicide. Or at least try...knowing me it would bloody work and I would end up more of a burden.
My friends and family all think I am a strong, cheerful person. I hold down a very stressful job. I'm good at it. I love my children dearly and they are the most important thing in my world. They are literally the only reason I'm here. I would feel like I was being overly dramatic to say I feel suicidal. It isn't that I do feel like I should die, I just don't put any value on me at all. I was told repeatedly as a kid that I was evil, selfish and worthless. Part of me thinks that is an awful thing to say to a child. Part of me wonders if they are telling the truth. Would everyone actually be better off without me? The last thing I would ever want to do is cause pain to my kids. However, I would have been much better without some of the adults in my life. What if they would be better without me? I'm so tired of having this all playing in my head. It is becoming all consuming to the point I can't think straight. We can't afford for me to be off work. However, they would get a big payment to pay off the mortgage if I was dead. It is tempting.
I really don't feel sad. I'm just really tired. I try to be the best person I can be. But is this just to cover for me actually being a fundamentally awful person?

Op everyone has dark thoughts, believe me. But you've said it yourself, your kids need and want you. Stay strong. This is just a phase you'll pass. Do you have anyone in rl to talk to? Stay strong. And as for the adults you'd be better off without... be without them.

Read the Quran. You don't have to be Muslim to read it. You won't have any of these thoughts by the end of it. Give it a go.

No, not everyone has those dark thoughts.
I personally do myself, but I know that not everyone has them.

That's stages of escalation...you are probably more at level 1.

That could escalate to level 2 where you actually start to plan it.
cgi.edu/biodyne-model-therapists-masters-suicide-assessment-prevention/

You are none of those things that they said to you and they are horrible damaging things to say to a child. Your kids need you. I know exactly how you're feeling and feel much the same a lot of the time so I totally understand what you're feeling and it's very tough.

But your kids need you!

You will resist this but you need to change your job away for the stressful one you have. You are burnt out.

This sounds very much like depression, especially the part where it lies to you and says “this isn’t depression, this is just a realistic take on life. You were naive and overly optimistic before when you felt differently, NOW you’re just being logical.” You’re not.

Everyone has dark thoughts, but for most they pass with the situation that caused them, or are batted off by happier ones. You sound very depressed, and some counselling and possibly some medication might really help you.

And, for the record, whatever arseholes said those things about you as a child they were definitely not “right”. Imagine someone saying them to one of your children tomorrow. They obviously wouldn’t be true, they wouldn’t become true just because some badly damaged person said them, and you as their mother would be there to assure them there wasn’t an ounce of truth in it and they are wonderful, and not let that person near them ever again. Every child deserves that. I’m sorry you were so badly let down by your grownups.

I used to think that just because others or trusted adults said things, they must be true because they are superior to me and thus they were right and I was wrong.
It has taken me literally decades to change this mindset and realise that the things that were said, were said by damaged and bad people. Damaged and bad people say bad things all the time but I can filter it now. It has been a long slow process to not just assume I am subordinate and they must be right.

How long have you felt like this op?

Thank you for the replies. I have felt like this off and on for years. However since I had Covid last year, I have felt particularly useless and these thoughts are pretty constant now. I know that I will be alone in the car and which trees I would drive at. Then I feel bad because the family would lose the car too. Right now I feel it has more value than me. I'm just a drain on them.
I might try and see my gp but I know that getting past the receptionist is going to be hard. I live in a small place and I don't really want to have explain myself to her.
I know my children need me just now. They keep me going tbh.
Today has been particularly bad, I hate myself after a stupid accident yesterday. No-one hurt but lots of inconvenience. I keep slapping myself in the face and feel like deserve to be punished. Part of me realised this is ridiculous but I felt so much better after each smack. My DH heard them and asked what was going on. I said I was just putting on moisturiser and pleaded ignorance.
I can't really go on like this though. I can see it is escalating.

My dear my heart goes out to you. This is very serious and not normal. You must seek help now. Do not play down your suicidal thoughts. You should think about emergency care, calling 999 and hospitalization. You must be honest with your husband. Please seek medical help now.

How old are you. Could you be hitting peri meno. It could be hormonal xx

@allupsidedown

Thank you for the replies. I have felt like this off and on for years. However since I had Covid last year, I have felt particularly useless and these thoughts are pretty constant now. I know that I will be alone in the car and which trees I would drive at. Then I feel bad because the family would lose the car too. Right now I feel it has more value than me. I'm just a drain on them. I might try and see my gp but I know that getting past the receptionist is going to be hard. I live in a small place and I don't really want to have explain myself to her. I know my children need me just now. They keep me going tbh. Today has been particularly bad, I hate myself after a stupid accident yesterday. No-one hurt but lots of inconvenience. I keep slapping myself in the face and feel like deserve to be punished. Part of me realised this is ridiculous but I felt so much better after each smack. My DH heard them and asked what was going on. I said I was just putting on moisturiser and pleaded ignorance. I can't really go on like this though. I can see it is escalating.

I read this and couldn't say nothing. You sound very tormented. I wish I could reach out and help you. Please reach out to someone close to you. Can you tell your DH?

I used to have slot of death ideation
It’s a sign of depression
I’m now on SSRI , and honestly I don’t have these ideas so much
And life is no easier ! But the really dark thoughts have abated

Please , call the GP - tell the receptionist you are having suicidal thoughts
It’s nothing she won’t have head before x

Ive lost a partner and two family to suicide in a matter of a couple of years, the ripple effect it has is devastaing, please speak to someone x

Don't think it will be peri menopausal, I'm late 30s. I suppose it could be. I don't know. My DH has kind of checked out. He spends all his time at work. He was annoyed that I called him away, (when he wasn't even supposed to be working) because I had the car accident yesterday. I've tried before talking to him but he thinks I'm just being dramatic. I think he has his own issues going on, very obsessed with work, able to compartmentalise myself and the children, not give us a second thought during his working day. Lockdowns have made him very paranoid about having enough money.
Throughout everything, I just try and keep us all going but I am utterly exhausted. Every day is just going through the motions. I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside of my body some days. My cheery/ditsy persona has been such an act for so long. I keep it up for the kids but I it is getting harder and harder to do. I am disappointed in myself for not being the kind of mum I wanted to be. I'm disappointed that I've not been stronger. They need me to be stronger. But I don't think I can any more.

Dear op, this is not part of normal thought processes. Well, at least I have never had any of these thoughts or felt like slapping myself in the face. It’s very, very worrying. Please ask for an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow and tell them you need emergency mental health support. If you need someone to talk to, call the Samaritans.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

OP this may sound extremely far fetched but are you on any method of birth control?
I can relate to this post to the point where I had goosebumps reading it.
On many occasions I found myself completely unable to be alone with the thoughts inside my head and I used to get into the car and drive. Always to the water. Im sad to say that I always went with the intention of jumping but found that it almost soothed me.

To cut a very long story short, after many pill changes and medication trialling, I found that coming off my BC all together has been a total miracle cure. I know this sounds crazy but my DH and Mum noticed the change within 2 months without knowing what it was.

I really hope you do seek help because it is a desperately hopeless place to be in and relentlessly tormenting. I recommend talking to even one of the phone-in services if you don't feel ready to go face to face.
Samaritans will help signpost you to other help available.

Yes, re the point about hormonal birth control. Are u on the pill, or perhaps the coil?

You really need help straight away today. You don’t need to tell the receptionist the reason you need to see the doctor. Just tell her it is a personal matter and you need to see the doctor urgently.
You have as much right to be here on the planet as everything else. Your children will be beyond devastated if you leave, it happened to me as a child and I cannot begin to explain the awfulness of that person missing from our lives, it was like living in a whirling void of untidy confusion looking out at everyone else being looked after neatly by their mothers. You are right you need to be here for your children ,but you also need to be here for you. What you were told as a child was a lie, what your brain is telling you now is a lie. A lie that has become a habit. Get help today, keep asking for help until you get it.

I have to go to work today. They need me. I'd feel even worse if I put them out too. Not a new feeling, they had to take my laptop off me as they were about to whisk me away to operate on my appendix. Looking at me, I'm fully functioning, no one would suspect what is going on in my head. I just see myself as here for my kids. I don't matter beyond that. In fact, I feel I'm a bit of a drain on everything. I have managed to not smack myself this morning. I'm just going through the motions.

Op I’ve felt like this
Please please talk
To someone today
Even if you don’t call the gp try some of the links hebe suggested

I just don't put any value on me at all. I was told repeatedly as a kid that I was evil, selfish and worthless

Have a look at this article on core beliefs;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

And also these two videos;

I hope they will help you understand where your feeling come from, that (sadly) they are not uncommon but that help is available as soon as you are ready to reach out for it.

Hi Op please seek help, it could be depression but there are other mental health problems like OCD and bipolar where you can have these sorts of repetitive thoughts. If the receptionist asks what it's about just say a mental health problem.

Sorry for not returning to the thread sooner. I went and spoke to the doctor. It was really difficult. I'm so used to putting a brave face on, making a joke of things and not admitting how I feel. I never want to feel like I'm bothering people, like I'm causing a fuss.
I'm on some medication which im not altogether convinced by but I do feel calmer at least. I haven't smacked myself or even had the urge to do so. I suppose that must be better. I have just been exhausted.
It made my husband and I have a. Wry honest conversation. He told me, that he always feels inadequate. I push him away and make on that im ok. He had pretty much given up trying and focused on work. He could be useful there. I think he might be depressed too but he isn't at a point to admit that yet.
One step at a time but hopefully in the right direction.