Can't do this anymore

[thesootherfairy]

It just can't. I have an Ed and depression. I'm so low. I had to fight for 18 months for therapy and treatment. I'm currently failing at therapy. I never know what to say so I end up not saying much. I'm completely useless.

I'm having issues at work and failing there. Failing badly and it's massively financially impacting my family.

I'm a shit parent. My DC deserve better.
My DH deserves better.

I'm embarrassing. I'm boring and have achieved nothing and failed at everything.

I tried ADs. Had allergic/anaphylactic
reactions to all three classes of AD.
I can't carry on.

I don't go out. I find socialising so stressful. This impacts DH who is massively social and DC take after him.
The only good thing about covid has been no socialising.
We were meant to go to a party on NYE but it was cancelled due to host having covid. I'm so ashamed to say I felt relieved because it meant I didn't have to go or let anyone down by not going.
I have not seen my best friend since June and have barely spoken or text her. I just can't make myself. And I don't know what to say to her. I have no conversation.
I keep crying. DS caught me crying both today and last night. Poor DS. I don't seem to be able to stop.
I just can't anymore.
The monumental effort it takes to get showered and dressed and put a normal
Happy face on and go to work is killing me. Pretending to my family that it's all ok.
Well it's not ok. It's really fucking far from ok.
I'm useless at talking which is why I'm
Failing at therapy. I can't find the words and don't know what to say.
I have nothing left to give.

British Medical journal link to Ketamine for treatment resistant depression.

ebmh.bmj.com/content/19/2/35

Op have you been tried on MAOI’s?

I take it they’ve tried you on TCA’s, SSRI’s and SNRI’s? These are the 3 main ones.

Have you tried Mirtazapine?

Lithium is often used for treatment resistant depression too. I’ve had severe allergies with SSRI’s. But not all of them.

Hth x

Not being able to talk is part of therapy. Not failing at therapy.

I have been in therapy for many years, at first one a week, increasing to twice a week and now more intensively still.

I think it took me three years to really be able to trust my therapist and to be able to get over all my assumptions that she must be bored, impatient, scornful, only in it for the money, and not really caring about me plus not having any idea how to help me - and all the other many bad qualities I seem to have attributed to her!

If you struggle to talk then that IS the therapeutic work you are doing. That IS the therapy. You are doing it.

I think your pysch sounds pretty rubbish. There are loads more things you can try.

Which actual anti depressants have you tried? Could you list them?

Could you try EDMR?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

I'm interested in that infusion. The rebuilding of neural pathways sounds good.

I've tried Nortriptyline (anaphylaxis), sertraline (anaphylaxis) and vortioxetin (vomit city possible serotonin syndrome).

Psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe MAOI due high blood pressure.

He said Mirtazapine and venlafaxine (sp?) were not suitable as they interact with my migraine medication (can't do without this) which is why he prescribed vortioxetin instead. He had to take advice from a neurologist on that one due to the migraine medication and possible interaction. And it wasn't a good outcome.

And yes he isn't particularly useful and I don't like talking to him. Luckily he's completely disinterested. Last appointment was a 7 min phone call. He couldn't recall who I was or what he had prescribed to me.
He asked me who prescribed the vortioxetin and why. I reminded him that he did. He said "oh not sure why I did that." Excellent. Glad I was your guineapig then.

Then wrote to my GP and said I was doing great 🤬😢 it's the one thing I'm not.

He was appointed through private medical insurance and he's only purpose now is to sign off on dietician and therapist sessions to the insurance co keeps paying for it.
He literally couldn't give a shit. He's never met me. Only spoken on the phone 5 times in 7 months inc the assessment. The initial assesment was supposed to be in person but he did it over the phone. It was supposed to be an hour. It was all done in 20mins.

He was supposed to organise therapy and a dietician after the initial assessment. He forgot and organised nothing at all. Three months later I ended up organising my own with the help of the medical insurance company complaints department 😖

Therapist has recommended a different psychiatrist but I can't get insurance company to agree to change. I am also massively put off. Really can't face talking to someone else. Too many questions. Too stressful. I Wade through all that again.

The whole thing is shit.

I can tell you the name of a private pysc who specialises in refractory disorders ( l think)

He sorted me out. He did suggest Lithium, but then l settled on something else. I think there are antipsychotics/anti convulsants which are suitable for refractory conditions.

I had anaphylaxis to 2 drugs. Fluoxtinr (SSRI) Lofepramine (TCA) they happened around the same time. I just think my body was in an ultra sensitive state.

However I’ve taken other ones in similar classes and have been OK.

Duloxetine (SNRI) and Amitryptiline (TCA) are used for migraine and pain issues.

I think you have lots of sensitivities as do l. My life is a nightmare of avoiding side effects! I’d swap your pysch tbh. What’s he getting paid for? There’s loads you haven’t tried xxxxc hope this helps.

I’m in Sheffield if you want to know pysch name, but he does Zooms. He sorted me out after years on shot drugs. It took a year , big we got there.

Did he investigate the reasons for the anaphylaxis? Mine was due to a specific colour I dye in the tablets.

I was then put on sertraline which has no colour in it.

The issue is I don't really want more drug experiments.

I also suffer from ankylosing spondylitis (inflammatory arthritis type) and take a lot of other medication.

I don't want to add to it. I have too many possible drug interactions as it is.

This is why I think psychiatrist is totally disinterested because he actually doesn't have anything else to try. He said as much.

I can't try Amitryptiline or duloxitine as they are too closely related to Nortriptyline which I'm allergic to.

I really don't think drugs are the answer. The ones are take for migraine and arthritis are hideous enough. I'd prefer not to take them. The arthritis ones cause my high blood pressure and in turn make the migraines worse.

I've met other arthritis sufferers who are evangelical about various drugs. I'm glad it works for them. I had to try 11 different arthritis drugs to find one which had an effect but also didn't have side effects that were intolerable.

I just don't do very well with medication.

What I’m trying to say is l had an aphylsctic reaction to an SSRI ( Fluoxetine) but went on to take Sertraline and Paroxetine (same family)

I had an anaphylactic reaction.m Lofepramine (TCA) but still went on to take Chlomipramine and Amitryptiline which are in the same family.

I get you don’t want to be an experiment. Taking anti depressants is horrible at first. But sometimes you need to push through.

Have you tried Trazadone? That’s one in its own.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
Not tried Trazodone. I'll ask my GP. She's always helpful.

There’s also esketamine available in U.K. l think by nasal spray.

www.nightingalehospital.co.uk/esketamine-treatment-spravato/