Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

Thank you like you I don't know if I want to be over it but I also don't know if I can Carry on at like this. The pain is so real and strong. But I have to believe It will get more manageable however torturous it feels atm.

Yes the pain - physical and mental - gets easier to bear. It’s not linear - a tiny bit better every day. You will feel stuck for days or even weeks and then you will look back and see that you are coping better than you did before.

You will get absorbed in a task and the realise you’ve not thought about her for X amount of time and you will feel guilty. You will have moments of laughter and genuine happiness and then think

“ Oh my goodness, what’s wrong with me, how can I be laughing at some stupid cat video on YouTube when my baby isn’t here ! “.

But of course that’s how it should be. Like winter turning into spring, your body and mind will heal. The loss will also be with you but it will become easier to carry and you will resume your normal life, bit by bit.

Because that’s the best way to remember your Dd and to honour her short life - to live your best life for yourself, your son and your husband.

You will work out what that means for you and your family - step by step, a day at a time.

@I0NA

Yes the pain - physical and mental - gets easier to bear. It’s not linear - a tiny bit better every day. You will feel stuck for days or even weeks and then you will look back and see that you are coping better than you did before.

You will get absorbed in a task and the realise you’ve not thought about her for X amount of time and you will feel guilty. You will have moments of laughter and genuine happiness and then think

“ Oh my goodness, what’s wrong with me, how can I be laughing at some stupid cat video on YouTube when my baby isn’t here ! “.

But of course that’s how it should be. Like winter turning into spring, your body and mind will heal. The loss will also be with you but it will become easier to carry and you will resume your normal life, bit by bit.

Because that’s the best way to remember your Dd and to honour her short life - to live your best life for yourself, your son and your husband.

You will work out what that means for you and your family - step by step, a day at a time.

This has bought me much comfort. I guess I just have to get through each minute hour and day atm and see where it leads me. It's crazy how these emotions work as broken as today has been I have had this calmness wash over me this last hour so much so I had a 5 minute nap on the sofa which is so unlike me.

I worked in bereavement support and talked with women who had experienced exactly what you have been through. Everyone is different but I can assure you it does get easier. She will always be your daughter, you will never be the same but you will be a great mum to your ds, you will smile and laugh, you will realise you haven't thought about her for a while and feel guilty. You may find talking to others in similar circumstances is helpful, you may not, your dh may benefit from a dads group, some men do.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve, allow yourself the time you need. The night times are the worst - there's always someone on Mumsnet to listen.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Wishing you more moments of calm.

In these moments of calm can I please sincerely from the bottom of my heart thank everyone on this thread. In this most unimaginable painful time I have had the support and understanding from all of you on this thread. You have all literally carried me through this and I am so grateful. None of us know each other but all of you have offered so much kindness to me at moments when I have been inconsolable so thank you and for all the kindness you shown me I hope in return it brings you all a measure of peace knowing you helped someone so broken and over filled with grief. Thank you.

@gogohm

I worked in bereavement support and talked with women who had experienced exactly what you have been through. Everyone is different but I can assure you it does get easier. She will always be your daughter, you will never be the same but you will be a great mum to your ds, you will smile and laugh, you will realise you haven't thought about her for a while and feel guilty. You may find talking to others in similar circumstances is helpful, you may not, your dh may benefit from a dads group, some men do.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve, allow yourself the time you need. The night times are the worst - there's always someone on Mumsnet to listen.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Thank you, I feel like the night times are the worst I actually dread the time when I have to come to bed. Slowly ds falls asleep and than dh dozes off and it's just me and my grief and thoughts. The pain is surreal.

❤

Mumsnet gets slagged off for being a nest of vipers/vacuous, @Newdreams. That doesn't reflect my experience, people here are kind and sensible and it is amazing how helpful anonymous posts can be for all manner of situations.

I'm glad you posted and I hope you continue to do so if you need or want to.

I'm sorry about the pain. It is just brutal for you.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Mumsnet gets slagged off for being a nest of vipers/vacuous, *@Newdreams*. That doesn't reflect my experience, people here are kind and sensible and it is amazing how helpful anonymous posts can be for all manner of situations.

I'm glad you posted and I hope you continue to do so if you need or want to.

I'm sorry about the pain. It is just brutal for you.

I don't think I have ever experienced such kindness from strangers before.

This post has saved me I can't say that enough. I feel like I have closed of from everyone outside my household I don't know if it normal or if it me protecting myself but I feel like they are either overly concerned about me and I don't know how to deal with their pity and this has affected the outer family to so I don't know how to deal with their feelings and than people like my mil who can be quite difficult so I have just closed off for the first time in my life. Even when they visit I don't feel like I can talk or speak the biggest releases I have had is when I have been alone in hospital and gp last week. I don't mean to sound ungrateful my family have been amazing in terms of looking after us but I just don't know what I am doing. It feels to painful to acknowledge this pain to the people closest to me.

Yes, talking to a void is easier than to people who don't quite manage to do or say the right thing.

I'm glad you are taking time to yourself. There are no rules for grief, you just have to ride it out in whatever way you can. If you don't know what to do, then it is appropriate to do nothing.

You can talk to us without worrying about how we are feeling. Whereas with your family you don’t want to upset them, you feel you need to put on a brave face and show then that you are “coping “.

And of course you will feel somewhat under scrutiny from everyone after what happened after DS s birth. But you can say what you like here and no one will be angry with you or shocked or stressed by it. No one is going to judge you or tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do.

And yes BTW it’s normal to feel that everything reminds you of your baby DD when you go out. Babies, baby stuff and pregnant women are everywhere in shops and supermarkets - I can see why you’d want to avoid them.

I’m glad to hear that your Dh is finding his own way to grieve by going to the grave. It’s fine not to go yourself if you don’t want to - not everyone finds it helpful.

What did the GP say about the lump under your arm ?

And how did your DS get on at school today ? I do think you are doing the right thing to send him back, the routine will help him. And it gives you some space to rest up so that you can be stronger in yourself and more focussed on him when he is home.

Grief is very exhausting at any time and of course even worse when you are are recovering from pregnancy and birth and dealing with all the post natal hormones.

@I0NA

You can talk to us without worrying about how we are feeling. Whereas with your family you don’t want to upset them, you feel you need to put on a brave face and show then that you are “coping “.

And of course you will feel somewhat under scrutiny from everyone after what happened after DS s birth. But you can say what you like here and no one will be angry with you or shocked or stressed by it. No one is going to judge you or tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do.

And yes BTW it’s normal to feel that everything reminds you of your baby DD when you go out. Babies, baby stuff and pregnant women are everywhere in shops and supermarkets - I can see why you’d want to avoid them.

I’m glad to hear that your Dh is finding his own way to grieve by going to the grave. It’s fine not to go yourself if you don’t want to - not everyone finds it helpful.

What did the GP say about the lump under your arm ?

And how did your DS get on at school today ? I do think you are doing the right thing to send him back, the routine will help him. And it gives you some space to rest up so that you can be stronger in yourself and more focussed on him when he is home.

Grief is very exhausting at any time and of course even worse when you are are recovering from pregnancy and birth and dealing with all the post natal hormones.

So much of this makes sense. When family ask if I'm ok my immediate response is yeah I'm fine I feel anything more than that will create huge concern from them toward me which I can't deal with at the moment when I am struggling to deal with my own emotions.

DS had a lovely day at school his support worker said he was very unsettled in the morning but was more himself as day progressed all in all thankfully he had a nice day and was so tired when he got home bless him.

Just got back from the gp today. She said it looks like I still have an infection probably due to the retained placenta but she has changed the antibiotics for another week and took some bloods. And will review me again next week. She has put me on a slightly higher dose of the sleeping pill for another 7 days She said I looked totally exhausted and body needs sleep to heal especially as it fighting an infection, grieving and dealing with post pregnancy exhaustion. In regards to the lump she said it can be quite common in breastfeeding mums but can sometimes happen after baby loss but she said the new antibiotics should cover this too but if no improvement after these antibiotics she might have to refer me for a scan but said it's reassuring as it's very tender. She prescribed some naproxen again to see if it helps settle the cramps and tenderness in breasts.

Once again alone in at the surgery has allowed me to totally cry I don't know if this is normal but it just feels like such a release when I'm alone to break in this way with no one worrying about me. Maybe the receptionist at the gp thinks I am totally mad but I feel so much better after crying like this. I don't even know if this makes sense.

Crying is a release. time alone to really let go, to really howl and rage and sob so hard you are exhausted - it is not a bad thing, it is an essential part of grieving for many people and you can't do it with an audience.

Have a look at this, @Newdreams, tears of grief are jaggy. www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-microscopic-structures-of-dried-human-tears-180947766/

I like the sound of your GP.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Crying is a release. time alone to really let go, to really howl and rage and sob so hard you are exhausted - it is not a bad thing, it is an essential part of grieving for many people and you can't do it with an audience.

Have a look at this, @Newdreams, tears of grief are jaggy. www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-microscopic-structures-of-dried-human-tears-180947766/

I like the sound of your GP.

The link is just amazing, makes so much sense to feeling a lot calmer after crying.

Come in to bed now feel so exhausted from it all.

My gp is actually lovely she has been since all the health problems with my ds she is genuinely very attentive and nothing is ever to much for her. She used to work full time at the surgery before but now she only works on Tuesdays and covers other locums when they aren't in.

Yes, it really struck me. There must be chemical changes from our mood in our tears. Amazing.

If I were to think romantically I'd say that a charthartic weep gets rid of the jaggy feelings that trapped grief is causing in our body.

Rest is important, perhaps a purge of pain from a good, hard, solid cry allows the body to attempt to rest?

A GP like that is a real gift. And they are always on limited hours because, I think, their work is hard and you can't do good, individual care for people with very hard situations to deal with for 80 hours a week. She will be a real safety net for you.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Yes, it really struck me. There must be chemical changes from our mood in our tears. Amazing.

If I were to think romantically I'd say that a charthartic weep gets rid of the jaggy feelings that trapped grief is causing in our body.

Rest is important, perhaps a purge of pain from a good, hard, solid cry allows the body to attempt to rest?

A GP like that is a real gift. And they are always on limited hours because, I think, their work is hard and you can't do good, individual care for people with very hard situations to deal with for 80 hours a week. She will be a real safety net for you.

I feel so exhausted emotionally and physically the new antibiotics are making feel so nauseous which is bringing memories of first 3 months of pregnancy and the horrendous sickness I had it hurts so much that there is no longer these symptoms I would do anything to have this sickness again If it meant I could just have my daughter inside me again. I am so sorry.

@Newdreams yes! The closed off feeling! I shut down away from family and friends. I felt I couldn't connect with anyone anymore but that feeling has got better too. You will recover from this in time. X

You crossed my mind and I just wanted to drop by and send you another big virtual hug ❤️💐

[quote pompomsgalore]@Newdreams yes! The closed off feeling! I shut down away from family and friends. I felt I couldn't connect with anyone anymore but that feeling has got better too. You will recover from this in time. X[/quote]

I used to be so close to my sister and friends but atm I feel like I just don't want to speak to them I know everyone on this thread may think I'm so ungrateful especially after everything they are doing for me but I just don't think they will understand and secondly in terms of my family I know they will worry so much about my mental wellbeing to so not sure I could deal with it all. I am sorry if I come across as horrible. When it comes to my sister I feel so sad she was so happy for me when I told her about pregnancy every morning she would message to see if I was ok every evening she would message me to makesure I had tried to eat taken vitamins looking after myself she would always sign of love you, my sons name and little bubba. For the last 4 months she has done this I feel an emptiness now I miss her but I don't feel like I can talk to her. I don't know if any of this is normal but it all just hurts so much.

@StickyStickyStickStickSong

You crossed my mind and I just wanted to drop by and send you another big virtual hug ❤️💐

Thank you actually needed a hug tonight but dh has a headache and gone bed and ds is asleep so thank you .

Just feel so anxious all of sudden like a sudden pang that she is missing from my body. I feel like my body is in pain missing her I am so sorry but my arms are aching to hold her again I wished I held her longer when I had the chance. My lips feel cold from when I last kissed it might all be in my head but it feels so real. I am just so sorry.

Don't feel very well my temperature has suddenly spiked too and stomach cramping so much but none of that matters because she isn't here anymore.

@Newdreams, if you're feeling unwell and have a temperature, it definitely matters.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low tonight.
What you've been through is enough to throw anyone, so be kind to yourself.
Do you feel able to wake DH and get some support? I know he's been through a tough time but you have too - and in top of that you're not feeling well.
I think it would be a good idea to get yourself checked out.

[quote Sideswiped]@Newdreams, if you're feeling unwell and have a temperature, it definitely matters.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low tonight.
What you've been through is enough to throw anyone, so be kind to yourself.
Do you feel able to wake DH and get some support? I know he's been through a tough time but you have too - and in top of that you're not feeling well.
I think it would be a good idea to get yourself checked out. [/quote]

Thank you for replying. I have just been to gp today they have prescribed some stronger antibiotics which alone make me feel unwell but I will see how I get on with them once they have a chance to work.

I feel bad waking dh up he rarely goes to bed with a migraine but he looked terrible most of the day with it but still managed to look after both me and ds so I just want him to rest up hopefully he will feel better in the morning.

I just read your whole thread and I have cried for you and your baby girl. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Please get some medical attention.
My auntie lost her son in terrible circumstances and when it was new and raw, she said she got two or three seconds in the morning when she first woke before she remembered, so the world was still ok. Then she remembered and it hit her with a sledgehammer. Now it's nearly 20 years later and she said it never goes away, but she has learnt to cope. She has learnt to enjoy life again and take happiness from her other sons, her other family and her friends, although at first that seemed insurmountable.
So your daughter will always be with you and you will always remember, but you will have happiness again. Right now you are in a nightmare and I'm so so sorry xxx