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Original poster

Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

431 replies

Newdreams · 30/12/2021 21:40

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 15/01/2022 07:43

Morning @Newdreams. I hope the hospital have been able to help you. Look after yourself today. Besides keeping your son safe and getting some rest there is NOTHING that is required of you. Ihope you've had a bit of sleep though.

Original poster
Newdreams · 15/01/2022 09:53

Thank you all. I am sorry was unable to update there was some placenta left inside but they managed to do a scan and remove it. It broke me it was the last of what was left of my daughter but I cried and they let me cry until there was nothing left. Haven't managed any sleep I can never sleep in hospital though. But being in a delivery suite was heartbreaking. The cramping has settled overnight but they have started me on some strong antibiotics because I have a temperature. Covid tests have come back negative. They taken bloods etc. I really want to get home but just waiting for drs to come round.

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vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 15/01/2022 10:49

A good, solid, snottery cry until nothing was left sounds cathartic.

Glad you have antibiotics. Get well soon.

ChateauMargaux · 15/01/2022 11:33

I am sorry you had this additional trauma to deal with but glad they identified the reason for your cramps and temperature quickly.

Take care dear one... one step at a time.

Original poster
Newdreams · 15/01/2022 11:55

Thank you. Just seen drs they happy for me to go home just waiting for the letters and medications. Feel strangely calm today like I still feel empty but a weird calmness has washed over me.

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LookAtMissOhio · 15/01/2022 12:43

That's good that you feel calmer now, you nyst be totally exhausted. Can anyone take your little boy for a day or two? Might give you some rest.

ChateauMargaux · 15/01/2022 13:09

Welcome and accept this calm. There will be new waves and a range of emotions to come, many of which will repeat.

Original poster
Newdreams · 15/01/2022 15:46

Got home a little while ago managed a shower and a cup of tea filled me with so much sadness as I went of tea in pregnancy. Its a weird state I'm currently calm but totally sad and empty little things seem to set me off. Ds has been cuddled up on sofa with me. I have fleeting moments of think she still inside and than the reality hits so hard. I actually feel exhausted today I'm thinking to take the sleeping pills about 6ish I just want to sleep at the moment. Trying not the think outside of our living room at the moment and counting down each minute as they pass. I don't know if any of this makes sense but it's the only way I'm managing. Dh looks a lot calmer today maybe because I'm calmer.

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ChateauMargaux · 15/01/2022 17:38

Cuddles and calm husband sound good. As you circle around each other finding waves to navigate this loss, your emotions will change as the emotions of those around you change. Movement in whatever form is good. From bed to sofa, from lying down to curling up, from standing to sitting.

Let the waves of sadness come... whether it’s tea, feelings of emptiness, feelings that she is still inside you. Let them come. When you see light and joy in a moment when only moments ago you only felt sadness.. let all the emotions come.

She will always be part of your family. She will always be love that remains without physical substance in this world but a presence in your family and no less because of it.

Original poster
Newdreams · 15/01/2022 18:35

@ChateauMargaux

Cuddles and calm husband sound good. As you circle around each other finding waves to navigate this loss, your emotions will change as the emotions of those around you change. Movement in whatever form is good. From bed to sofa, from lying down to curling up, from standing to sitting.

Let the waves of sadness come... whether it’s tea, feelings of emptiness, feelings that she is still inside you. Let them come. When you see light and joy in a moment when only moments ago you only felt sadness.. let all the emotions come.

She will always be part of your family. She will always be love that remains without physical substance in this world but a presence in your family and no less because of it.

Thank you for this it makes so much sense. Where you said she will always be love without physical substance struck my heart.

Have taken a sleeping pill just now really feel exhausted have no energy to even get myself to bed.
Can't believe last week this time I was preparing to go into hospital she was moving around inside me and this week she no longer here. It hurts so much.

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SummerHouse · 15/01/2022 19:11

You are incredible and utterly brave newdreams although you shouldn't have to be and probably don't feel it.

I am wishing you will get some much needed sleep tonight. Flowers

Original poster
Newdreams · 15/01/2022 23:54

I woke up at 11 from a 2 hour sleep but haven't been able to drift back off so just lying here looking at photos of our baby. Someone further up the thread said that in between moment between sleeping and waking is so unsettling didn't really get what they meant until today. As I woke I briefly felt like she was still inside I felt like we had all our plans and than reality hit and its like I lost her all over again. I don't know how to explain it but it's so hard the calmness from this morning has been replaced by this utter sadness. I'm watching dh sleep I feel so sad I couldn't gibe him a healthy child. I feel so selfish but it just hurts so much.

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JaniceBattersby · 16/01/2022 00:10

Just wanted to let you know someone is here reading. I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. I sometimes find a glass of hot vimto or lemon and a hot water bottle makes me feel calmer x

Original poster
Newdreams · 16/01/2022 00:27

@JaniceBattersby

Just wanted to let you know someone is here reading. I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight. I sometimes find a glass of hot vimto or lemon and a hot water bottle makes me feel calmer x
Thank you. I have just been down and got a hot water bottle. The cramps are quite intense again tonight. Feel a bit groggy to assuming from the sleeping pill so I'm just back lying in bed hoping for some more sleep. Dh is going to visit the grave of our daughter tomorrow and I was hoping to go if I feel well enough but atm not sure makes me feel sad nit being able to go.
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ChateauMargaux · 16/01/2022 09:39

I think lots of people experience those moments between sleep and full consciousness. yes, they are hard. Speak to her, say I know this is how. you remind us that you are part of our family. I love you and I always will.

pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 10:52

Op don't try and expect too much of yourself. These early days are so hard, you given birth and your body needs to recover and you are grieving. Don't put any expectations on yourself.

Original poster
Newdreams · 16/01/2022 19:13

Having a really tough day today can't believe it's been seven days since she was born. Can't get over last week this time she was still here inside me. Feels like it's breaking me.

We have decided to send ds to school tomorrow have to get him back into some form of normality really nervous as he will struggle to settle in he only started special school in December and has found it so hard so feel so anxious about it.

Feeling bit unwell still got a temperature and cramps but bleeding seems under control so hopefully things will settle soon. I guess tomorrow will be a really hard day for me so kind of just expecting sadness to hit me hard. Dh visited the grave today but I didn't go as I'm really not feeling very well. Just feel like I'm letting her down already.

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pompomsgalore · 16/01/2022 19:25

@Newdreams visiting the grave is for your benefit. If you aren't well you don't go as it defeats the object.

I definitely think it's a good thing your boy goes back to school now. He needs the normality and you need the break physically and mentally.

LookAtMissOhio · 17/01/2022 09:55

You're doing good op! Remember what Churchill said: If you're going through Hell, keep going- it's no place to stop!

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/01/2022 10:02

Sounds like the antibiotics are doing their job, that's fantastic.

You are poorly and grieving, you only have to do the things that you need to do right now. Nothing is obligatory. You'll go to her grave when you need to, right now you need to get well and ride the feelings.

You are doing great.

Original poster
Newdreams · 17/01/2022 10:44

Thank you for all the support. This morning has been so difficult kept thinking about last week she was born at 10.15am on Monday so been a really difficult morning. Dh encouraged me to go with him to do a food shop just to get me out but I found it so difficult very thing everywhere reminded me of my daughter I don't even knownif thats normal.

Managed to get ds into school he was very upset but just called his school now they said he has cheered up so feel little better. Going to just lie in bed until ds comes home now I literally have no energy. Managed an hours sleep yesterday but like the night before the emotional crash on waking scares me from going back to sleep.

I'm back at the gp tomorrow the lump in underarm is getting bigger and more painful just hoping I feel better physically soon. I miss her so much it's like a physical emptiness that I can't seem to fill. I am so sorry.

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vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/01/2022 10:46

These sound like sensible plans, you are prioritising yourself and that is the only way for now.

I am sorry too, @Newdreams. I really am.

Isonthecase · 17/01/2022 11:08

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Please do remember that there is no wrong way to grieve and the way you are feeling is absolutely valid.

Original poster
Newdreams · 17/01/2022 14:53

Just sat and went through her memory box her tiny baby grown and small knitted blanket and pictures of her and prints of her hands and feet it feels almost surreal that it was my daughter. How can she have been here for such a short time but left such a huge gap. My sister had said in a speech on her funeral that the smallest of coffins can be the biggest heart ache we have to bear and I actually feel it. Does the physical ache ever actually stop or does it just get easier to manage over time. I'm so confused right now. Dh has gone to pick ds up hope he had a good day.

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pompomsgalore · 17/01/2022 17:58

@Newdreams things get easier to bear in time. I couldn't believe it when people said and if anything I didn't want to get over it.

But time makes it manageable. There will always be pain and tears but not everyday for me and I can also feel happiness without feeling guilty. I'm not over it but I can live with it. You will too but these are such early days you need to not expect anything of yourself just yet.