Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

@iloverunningslow

I just read your whole thread and I have cried for you and your baby girl. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please get some medical attention. My auntie lost her son in terrible circumstances and when it was new and raw, she said she got two or three seconds in the morning when she first woke before she remembered, so the world was still ok. Then she remembered and it hit her with a sledgehammer. Now it's nearly 20 years later and she said it never goes away, but she has learnt to cope. She has learnt to enjoy life again and take happiness from her other sons, her other family and her friends, although at first that seemed insurmountable. So your daughter will always be with you and you will always remember, but you will have happiness again. Right now you are in a nightmare and I'm so so sorry xxx

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to read about the loss your aunt experienced.

That feeling on waking day or night those few seconds before the heartbreaks all over again are so difficult. It feels like each time I lose her all over again.

Coping with this loss and grief is unimaginable atm but I have to have hope in all the people on this thread that have told me in time it will be manageable so I'm just trying to get through the minutes and hours and days. I can't believe tomorrow will be 10 days since she was born.

Oh lovely your sister and you sound like you have a lovely relationship and that will survive this. It's completely normal to feel separated from others right now. Take that space and time and when you are ready you will know who to reach out to first for a cuppa or a walk. Even then it might feel strange for a while but in time it gets easier and then normal.

I'm like a broken record. But time does help.

I also felt the pain that I didn't hold my baby long enough. Why did I think I'd had enough time and just handed her over?! It felt right at the time though so I just have to hold on to that. Maybe you felt it was right too in that moment?

How is the temp and cramping today, @Newdreams?

Also, you are not horrible, you are not ungrateful and you are allowed to be insular if you need to be, and your clearly lovely and supportive family will understand.

Read that last bit again, please.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

How is the temp and cramping today, *@Newdreams*?

Also, you are not horrible, you are not ungrateful and you are allowed to be insular if you need to be, and your clearly lovely and supportive family will understand.

Read that last bit again, please.

I am back in hospital last night I took a turn for the worse started shaking uncontrollably and temp was 40.4. They did bloods and rescanned me. Dr said uterus looks empty but still not fully contracted could be due to infection after the retained placenta said my crp levels have come back quite high so recommends iv antibiotics for at least 48 hours if any improvement I can change to tablets. I previously had sepsis after my son was born last night felt very similar to that. I actually feel a little better in terms of temperature cramping managing better with the oral morphine.

Emotionally feeling broken not doing very well at all feel. Worried about ds as well his had so much change last few weeks too. Dh said his support worker and teacher at school have got covid so they have had to close his class for the next 2 days because they can't safely look after the children. Miss my daughter so much I feel so empty I have been given a side room which over looks the window to the maternity unit and it all just hurts soo much. Feel so anxious been crying non stop today but I don't feel any better really hope I can go home tomorrow I just want to be home.

Sending you hugs, @Newdreams.

Sending hugs

Oh lovely. I've got everything crossed for you to go home tomorrow. Is there even the tiniest chance you could swap rooms to have a different view? Thinking of you.

Oh god you are having a heart breaking time right now. Hope you've had a little bit of sleep and get home today.

Just aim get through half a day at a time.

@Newdreams sorry to hear you are back in hospital, sending lots of virtual hugs to you and hope you are well soon ❤️❤️❤️

Oh sorry to hear you're back in hospital darling! I am sure you're in good hands. Also it is totally OK and understandable if you aren't ready to reach out to your sister. You get to focus on you right now xxx

You an tell us anything - we won't judge you at all. We are all rooting for you on here!

I'm sorry you are proper poorly on top of everything else. It is very cruel that you are not cosy at home.

I hope that a night of IV antibs means that you at least feel less unwell.

Hospital toast is lush. I don't know how they make plain bread and cheap marg taste so wondrous, but, it is. Make sure someone brings you some.

DS will be fine. He's in his own house with his own things and has people who love him making sure that he's ok.

Kid's concept of time is not the same as an adult's, he won't know that he's missing school, it'll just feel like a weekend to him.

So much.. you poor poor woman. Email the word sister and ask if you can be placed away from newborns and women in labor. Contact your bereavement midwife if you can. I hope they get this infection under control quickly and you start to feel better soon. Hugs and love to you.

Hi @Newdreams, just wondering how you're feeling today and if they managed to move you to a different room?

Health wise feel much better but Dr doesn't want me to come of the iv antibiotics today and for me to stay in hospital tonight hopefully if I stay the way I am can go home tomorrow on tablets.

Emotionally feel more broken than ever I am sorry but not sure what I am even feeling other than total heart break.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way but it's natural. Maybe you could talk things through with a nurse? I know they're very busy but they will make time for you.

Hope you can go home tomorrow but you need to be well.

@Squiff70 has a good idea there.

Might be worth requesting a visit from the hospital chaplain, you don't need to have a faith based conversation, but they know lots about bereavement and are universally compassionate people who can make time for you, as much as you need.

I will ask for chaplain tomorrow. The nurses are lovely here but so rushed of their feet feel bad enough being here as it is.

Today been a really really hard day it was crazy. All these days I have felt It couldn't felt worse but today actually topped it off not even sure why. I think maybe because being here having similar experience to after ds was born but no baby. I'm not on maternity ward it's a gynaecology ward but it's just the feeling more so than anything else. I feel so broken I have been in my own world missed dhs call a few times so much so he had to call the ward and ask if I was OK. Feel so bad making him stress I just not been with it.

Really want to get home tomorrow they have done repeat bloods to see how Infection levels are doing but health wise feeling much better. Cramping has totally stopped and temp has settled. It's so crazy all these days I was cramping uncontrollably and even though I wanted it to stop there was a part of me that felt it was reminder of my daughter but now they have stopped I feel emptier still I don't know how to describe it so it makes sense. But I just miss her so much that void she filled that I didn't know I had is so empty now. I don't know how to look to tomorrow. I just don't know how to navigate this.

Miss my ds so much. I just want to be home with him. I feel so so sad I don't think I have ever felt this way. I don't want to feel this way I just feel like I have totally let my daughter down as well as my son and poor dh.

Hmmm, these feelings you have, of being lost and not-quite-good-enough, they sound to me like a reasonable part of grief.

You are unwell, which adds complexity to everything. I'm glad you are in hospital so they can make sure you are properly well.

"No baby", those are two words which are very stark. Of course you feel at odds with everything, you should be on your knees with exhaustion because you have a baby to look after, not like this.

I'm glad you'll ask for the Chaplain. Having a real person to say all this stuff to may well be a way to get a bit of that calm you felt the other day.

I hope you get some sleep tonight.

It may help to read about grief to understand that you are on a pathway. You aren't alone and everything you feel is natural.

www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

I'm glad your cramps have stopped but the mixed emotions are completely understandable.

Thank you for all the messages.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had since I gave birth. Had a panic attack last night and the nurses were so lovely but it has been a very dark day.

I got discharged this evening and coming home to ds has been calming he has been so excited to have me back though he said 'mum baby' which breaks my heart every time he says it.

I feel much better physically no more cramps I don't know why that makes me so upset. Temperature has settled but have been started on two antibiotics because the swab they did grew a different bacteria or something can't really remember much of what the dr said. They will be reviewing me again as an outpatient to make sure everything has cleared up they said it could be a while so in mean time any issues see gp.

Emotionally I am struggling and I know you all say its normal and that brings me some comfort but I just don't know how to navigate it. I feel myself going down a slippery slope. I did meet the hospital chaplain today they spoke about grief and how it's all valid but I found myself unable to talk I was just crying they told me if I stayed today they will visit again tomorrow but I felt so rude like I physically forgot how to talk. The dr said he will ask for bereavement support to contact me as he thinks it will help but I'm actually not sure if I will be wasting their time if I am unable to talk and just end up crying. I am sorry to be such a broken record this thread has been a release for me but I am sorry.

I am so exhausted so lying in bed now and all these thoughts swirling around my head. I miss her so much. I looked at the calendar because ds has a lot of hospital appointment so just to remind myself and saw the upcoming antenatal appointments and I feel like everything is a cruel reminder of what we have lost. I am just so sorry.

Oh, bless you, @Newdreams.
Grief can take lots of forms (some other time you might want to look up the seven stages of grief). No-one (sorry to shout) will have thought you were rude, only that you are a woman who has lost her baby in very difficult circumstances. Actually, that's called being human. How would anyone going through this be any other way?
Seriously, don't feel bad about it.
I'm sure the chaplain will have understood (and he's probably remembering you and your baby in his prayers).
As for the bereavement counselling, take it. It might take some time for you to e able to really unpack (sorry to use a bit of a naff word) how you feel - but that's ok and a good counsellor will help you do that.
I hope that at least you feel physically better over the next few days. As for the rest, that will take time, and probably never go away completely (because you will always remember and feel sad for your little girl), but you will find it more bearable in time.
Be kind to yourself.

@Sideswiped

Oh, bless you, *@Newdreams*. Grief can take lots of forms (some other time you might want to look up the seven stages of grief). No-one (sorry to shout) will have thought you were rude, only that you are a woman who has lost her baby in very difficult circumstances. Actually, that's called being human. How would anyone going through this be any other way? Seriously, don't feel bad about it. I'm sure the chaplain will have understood (and he's probably remembering you and your baby in his prayers). As for the bereavement counselling, take it. It might take some time for you to e able to really unpack (sorry to use a bit of a naff word) how you feel - but that's ok and a good counsellor will help you do that. I hope that at least you feel physically better over the next few days. As for the rest, that will take time, and probably never go away completely (because you will always remember and feel sad for your little girl), but you will find it more bearable in time. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for this. The chaplain was lovely but I feel like as soon as anyone speaks to me I break.

Dh bless him has changed the bedsheets and cleaned the bedroom and bought some flowers I have just noticed it now but he sleeping now.

I will take the counselling and see how I get on dr did say it might be a bit of wait for them to get in touch as with everything they are a bit stretched but I am ok with that. I do feel scared about it all but I will try it for my dh and ds. I know I won't ever be the same again but I also know I can't function like this ds needs me so much and dh has his last week off work next week he will be back at work in a weeks time I need to get stronger and be able to focus on something other than my grief. I feel like a bad mum a bad wife and I don't know how to make it right for them.

So, make a start:
Go to bed and snuggle up to DH. Listen to and feel his breathing. You may well find it helps you to drop off to sleep. Getting some good rest is good for your mental health.
Contact the bereavement counsellor if you need to, or wait to hear from them if you don't.
Have lots of cuddles with your DH and your little boy. It's good for you and them too.
Take one day at a time.
No, you won't ever feel the same, but it will be better.
You are not a bad mum or wife. You can't 'make this right' because something truly terrible has happened to you - you can't change that.
But, you clearly love your DH and DS. Take any small amount of pleasure or joy from that, that you can. They love you too.
Don't feel you have to make anything 'right'. What has happened, happened and it was no-ones fault.
It might be a good idea for your DH to take a little longer off work. I'd suggest you have a talk with him about it. He may be feeling the same way as you do, but maybe you are each trying to protect the other from how terrible you are feeling. It would be good to talk, maybe with the guidance of a counsellor if you feel that would help.
You will get through this, and go on to have a fulfilling life, but I also know you don't feel like the at just now. With help and support, it really will get better.