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Original poster

Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

431 replies

Newdreams · 30/12/2021 21:40

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newdreams · 13/01/2022 20:56

[quote Crazylemon86]@Newdreams
I read a book called "saying goodbye" when I lost my twins. I found it really helpful, like I didn't know that when you are pregnant that baby changes your dna. That means your daughter will always be a part of you no matter what. I'm sending you strength and care xx[/quote]
I'll have look for the book that sounds so comforting and truly amazing. Thank you.

OP posts:
StickyStickyStickStickSong · 13/01/2022 21:19

😢 this is heartbreaking.
A complete stranger to me yet I've just sat and cried for you and what you must be going through.
I have no experience of this and I have no words of advice but I didn't want to read and run. I want to reach out and give you the biggest virtual hug and let you know I am thinking of you, as plenty others are on here OP ❤️💐 bless you xxx

LookAtMissOhio · 13/01/2022 21:23

Darling don't be afraid to ask for some zolpidem or diazepam, you'll feel miles better for some rest. You'll never forget your little girl. Your heart won't forget, she'll be with you always. Xxx

LookAtMissOhio · 13/01/2022 21:26

Also just do what you can. If you aren't up to a shower, that's ok. Warm water and a flannel is fine. Don't want to cook? Time for a takeaway. Don't want to do laundry? Stick it in the basket and let dh deal with it. Xx

Original poster
Newdreams · 13/01/2022 21:46

@StickyStickyStickStickSong

😢 this is heartbreaking. A complete stranger to me yet I've just sat and cried for you and what you must be going through. I have no experience of this and I have no words of advice but I didn't want to read and run. I want to reach out and give you the biggest virtual hug and let you know I am thinking of you, as plenty others are on here OP ❤️💐 bless you xxx
I can't tell you how this thread of people I have never met have held me up some posters private messaged whilst I was in hospital in pain there well wishes which I have only read today the kindness I have received has been so overwhelming but I am so grateful these words will stay with me forever.
OP posts:
Original poster
Newdreams · 13/01/2022 21:51

@LookAtMissOhio

Darling don't be afraid to ask for some zolpidem or diazepam, you'll feel miles better for some rest. You'll never forget your little girl. Your heart won't forget, she'll be with you always. Xxx
Thank you I will see how I get on I hate how anxious I am making dh I can see the fear in his eyes and its not fair on him to be worrying about me whilst he is grieving too so I need to stay well for him and ds. In terms of housework my family have been so kind they literally have been taking my washing and bringing it back dried and ironed. They have batch cooked for us but me and dh have zero appetite atm so much food. I have just used a warm water and flannel.

I wonder if anyone knows I can't remember from last time but it's day 4 today I'm cramping a lot and bleeding a lot heavier I'm not sure if normal. Cramps really strong feel like I can't stand when they come. I can't actually remember what they said about it. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
girafferafferaffe · 13/01/2022 22:16

Op, you are so very brave. I am in awe of you.

You are an amazing woman and mother.

Sending you all the strength and love.

pompomsgalore · 14/01/2022 05:25

Speak to the gp today about the cramps for reassurance and the sleeping. Your body will be contacting after birth and it sounds normal. I believe blood lose is fine as long as nothing is over the size of a 50p piece.

Remember you've done a wonderful thing to save your baby from further suffering and to prefect yourself for the sake of your little family. You have been brave and selfless. A terrible decision for a mother to make but one that was made with mothers love. Things will get better for you in time.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 14/01/2022 07:10

Practical things @Newdreams:

cramping - bleeding and cramping should be lessening and certainly should be controlled with ibuprofen, not making you double up. Though, you are sleep deprived which makes pain more intense. Best mention this to your GP or midwife, get some painkillers sorted and make sure there's nothing needing sorted out, the last thing you need now is a temperature. Are your breasts leaking? GP or midwife will be able to help with that too.

Sleep - If you coped with a traumatic situation with hyper vigilance when your son was poorly then sleep is going to be hard to come by now. Seems perfectly legitimate to me.

You know it's sensible to speak to your GP. They want to help you, you don't need to be feeling so physically wrung out. You don't need to put up with horrible physical symptoms.

ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 07:10

I am so sorry to read that you also had trauma during the birth of your son and that you have been dealing with his needs ever since. You must be so exhausted and depleted. When you can, reach out and take the support that you feel is right for you. You deserve it, you need it.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 14/01/2022 07:18

Besides, once you go and speak to your GP everyone else will relax and stop looking at you with worry in their eyes, waiting for you to lose the plot. A break from that, from worrying about them worrying about you, will be good, right?

FWIW, I think you're doing brilliantly.

Original poster
Newdreams · 14/01/2022 07:54

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Practical things *@Newdreams*:

cramping - bleeding and cramping should be lessening and certainly should be controlled with ibuprofen, not making you double up. Though, you are sleep deprived which makes pain more intense. Best mention this to your GP or midwife, get some painkillers sorted and make sure there's nothing needing sorted out, the last thing you need now is a temperature. Are your breasts leaking? GP or midwife will be able to help with that too.

Sleep - If you coped with a traumatic situation with hyper vigilance when your son was poorly then sleep is going to be hard to come by now. Seems perfectly legitimate to me.

You know it's sensible to speak to your GP. They want to help you, you don't need to be feeling so physically wrung out. You don't need to put up with horrible physical symptoms.

I think I have got a temperature dh just checked its 38.2 feel exhausted i really tried to sleep last night I kept eyes closed but it just wouldn't come. I'm waiting till 8am to call gp I am in pain all over. The cramps are strong I been taking paracetomol and ibruprofen but still very intense there has been no clots.

Breast were very painful in hospital but the midwife suggested a medication to stop the milk from coming in which I took because dh and I both knew that would break me so they not leaking but are in pain.

Just remembered I haven't done ds physio this week and the guilt is eating away at me feel like I'm letting everyone down. I can see such fear in dh eyes I'm so sorry to be such a let down.

OP posts:
LookAtMissOhio · 14/01/2022 08:11

You're not a let down!!! You're coping with something soo hard, the way you know how. Tell the gp it's urgent

ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 08:17

Those do sounds like symptoms that need to be checked out. You might have an infection.

Talk to your DH, look into his eyes.. tell him you will get through this together...

Lean on your family if you can, it sounds like they are willing and able and will do things unintrusively. Maybe get someone to come over and do DS's physio with him.

You will be OK, we are all here with you.

Original poster
Newdreams · 14/01/2022 10:07

@ChateauMargaux

Those do sounds like symptoms that need to be checked out. You might have an infection.

Talk to your DH, look into his eyes.. tell him you will get through this together...

Lean on your family if you can, it sounds like they are willing and able and will do things unintrusively. Maybe get someone to come over and do DS's physio with him.

You will be OK, we are all here with you.

Thank you just got back from gp. She said bp quite low to drink more she has given some sleeping pills for a few nights and some antibiotics she suspects and infection. She also found a painful lump in my underarm so wants me to go back in next Tuesday to have a full check up and she can review sleeping meds etc. I had a total break down just being away from dh and ds I felt like I was able to just break down. She said to just rest that it will feel worse before it feels more manageable she said hormones are still everywhere I need to give mind body everything time. She had a quick look at old csection site said it looked a bit inflamed but said nothing concerning she will do a full review next week as I'm only 4 days since birth.

She also said to contact bereavement midwife and ask for some support especially as history after ds was born just to makesure I have some coping strategies in place going forward. I don't feel like I can do this right now though. I have come back to bed feel really unwell today. But also so desperately sad I miss my little girl so much my heart hurts.

OP posts:
LookAtMissOhio · 14/01/2022 11:04

Glad to hear you got seen OP. Time for a nice sleep with a hot water bottle xx

ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 14:03

Your GP sounds amazing and great that she will see you next week as well.

If you need to leave the house to break down and let it all out... find a way. That actually sounds really good.

Sending you the biggest hug.

If you can,

Original poster
Newdreams · 14/01/2022 14:13

@ChateauMargaux

Your GP sounds amazing and great that she will see you next week as well.

If you need to leave the house to break down and let it all out... find a way. That actually sounds really good.

Sending you the biggest hug.

If you can,

The gp I spoke to today normally only works Tuesdays but she was there to cover someone else today but she genuinely is really lovely helped me a lot after ds was born she has a child with similar condition to ds so very understanding.

I feel so unwell spent all morning in bed feel so sad for ds.

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ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 14:53

I meant to finish.. if you can... with something .. but I can't remember what!

Can you get someone else to spend some time with your son.. I know you have given up your job and your are his main carer and are responsible for much of his day to day well being.. but maybe, just for a little bit, you can give yourself permission to look after yourself and let someone else shoulder the burden of DS's care for a few days. This is OK, it will not harm him in the long term. You can give him a few minutes of your time every day or maybe in a week's time. It is OK to place that load down for a short time. It will be there to pick up again when you are ready. There are others around who can support you, if you trust them and invite them in.

Original poster
Newdreams · 14/01/2022 18:17

I don't even know why I am putting this here but mil popped round today and announced proudly that bil and his wife are pregnant exactly 5 months. Please don't think me horrible but it hurts so much I'd rather not have known now but I'm already imagining their baby. My daughter and their baby would have been similar age. Why does this hurt so much. I don't feel like I'm doing all that well today. I will take a sleeping pill today and hope I get some sleep.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 14/01/2022 18:33

Oh no... I am sure there is no gentle or easy way to have broken that news to you.. but I am so so sorry. It is not horrible to feel that and it will indeed be difficult. I am so so sorry. How unfair.

FI0N · 14/01/2022 21:07

I’m sorry but your husband should be protecting you from his mother right now. I know he’s grieving too but he knows what she is like.

Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in over the weekend and the sleeping tablets will help you get some rest. It’s very early days so you need to be gentle on yourself and not expect too much - mentally , physically or emotionally.

Do you want to tell us your DDs name and why you chose it for her? Not unless you want to of course.

Original poster
Newdreams · 14/01/2022 21:36

Just been bought to hospital I just stood up and massive pool of blood with about four clots about pear sized fell to the floor. Feel like cramps are so strong but they so busy here and dh not allowed in a and e.

OP posts:
StickyStickyStickStickSong · 14/01/2022 21:43

😢☹️ @Newdreams thinking of you 🥺
Let us know you're ok once you've been seen xxx

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 14/01/2022 22:33

Oh bugger. I'm sorry you're poorly, I'm really, really sorry you are at A+E.

However, you'll be well looked after and don't need to think about anyone other than yourself for now.

I'm giving you permission to feel properly sorry for yourself right now. No better place to give up "coping" than in hospital, if you ask me.

Also, I'm a physio, your son will be fine with missing a few days of his programme. It's ok, don't be worrying about it.

Feel better soon.