Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

[quote Loki01]@Newdreams Please try to go. It will help. You will probably cry all the way through but that is normal.
Have the midwives been in touch?[/quote]
Midwives haven't been in touched I have tried calling again today but no one answers.

Went to the cemetery today finally its given me a weird sense of calm being there and managed to pick ds up from school it was horrible facing the teachers who know what has happened I couldn't stop crying. But we having a rest now just feel totally wiped out now.

Well done, @Newdreams. Calm places are good places. It's nice that you have somewhere calm to go and just be whatever you need to be.

Weeping in front of people can make you feel vulnerable, but the teachers will have seen women in your situation before, sadly. They'll know when to back off and when to whisk you into the staff room for a cuppa and a packet of hankies.

Enjoy your rest. Some sort of breaded chicken product for dinner and lazing in front of something mindless and soothing on the tv sounds ideal.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Well done, *@Newdreams*. Calm places are good places. It's nice that you have somewhere calm to go and just be whatever you need to be.

Weeping in front of people can make you feel vulnerable, but the teachers will have seen women in your situation before, sadly. They'll know when to back off and when to whisk you into the staff room for a cuppa and a packet of hankies.

Enjoy your rest. Some sort of breaded chicken product for dinner and lazing in front of something mindless and soothing on the tv sounds ideal.

Thank you for making me feel better about crying at school I was honestly mortified but they were so kind. In a weird way I'm glad I have shown my face this week whilst I have dh with me at least next week when I'm taking ds alone I hopefully won't break down again.

I feel like I really struggle when anyone shows any kindness to me it just totally breaks me.

I called the midwife again this afternoon as I am really struggling however the calls were diverted to delivery suite due to staffing issues so had to briefly explain to the midwife that answered what I was after she said she would ask a bereavement midwife to give me a call but she can't promise when and if I feel up to it to try again tomorrow. Feel like the calls are really taking it out of me the building myself up each time part me wants to stop trying but than it's moments like this when I am totally at despair I feel like I need some support.

Worried about dh too think he is anxious about going back to work as well I am trying to show him I am ok and will manage but I can see the concern in his eyes. I just wish I could make everything better for us all but I really don't know how.

Ds is really enjoying being back at school this week so at least that's something.

These are all very proactive and engaged actions that you are doing. They are hard and upsetting, but you are doing them.

Brilliant.

Having such a bad day today everything just reminds me of babies and the baby girl I lost I don't know how to deal with this.

I called the midwifes again today the receptionist answered and took message said she will ask one of the bereavement midwifes to give me a call back but now feeling so anxious. Not sure if this is the right thing for me.

I think keep ringing them as you'll only know if it's not for you and nice you've made contact and had a chat. Things can only get better from here and you've made it through another day even though it's obviously been incredibly hard for you.

Once your H gets back to work you will make small moves a forward again as you'll have to, I know you are dreading it now but you will get through those hurdles too.

@pompomseverywhere

I think keep ringing them as you'll only know if it's not for you and nice you've made contact and had a chat. Things can only get better from here and you've made it through another day even though it's obviously been incredibly hard for you.

Once your H gets back to work you will make small moves a forward again as you'll have to, I know you are dreading it now but you will get through those hurdles too.

Thank you I feel so bad calling them don't want them to think I'm being exteme or anything. Dh gently told me off before because he heard me keep saying 'I'm fine really'. I just feel so bad about it all I know they so busy I don't want to waste their time.

I am trying so hard to doing normal stuff but days like today feels so hard I am so scared of being alone next week I don't know how I will manage.

You will manage. You won't know how but all of a sudden you will think 'oh it's lunch time and I've made it through the morning'. Will your child be in school?

Also don't feel bad about ringing them. It's their job to help you and the squeaky wheel gets the oil so phone daily or at least very other. X

@pompomseverywhere

Also don't feel bad about ringing them. It's their job to help you and the squeaky wheel gets the oil so phone daily or at least very other. X

The receptionist said to wait until the midwife calls but no one has today think they must be so busy so I will wait for the midwife to call me and see how the initial chat goes and decide how to proceed.

@pompomseverywhere

You will manage. You won't know how but all of a sudden you will think 'oh it's lunch time and I've made it through the morning'. Will your child be in school?

Yes ds will be in school he really enjoying atm so I will be taking him in and picking up so hopefully thats something I will have to do whether I do anything else or not.

So you can hold it together for school drop offs and pick ups and allow your self to cry and scream and sleep inbetween.

@pompomseverywhere

So you can hold it together for school drop offs and pick ups and allow your self to cry and scream and sleep inbetween.

I am just trying to build myself up atm to do this and focus on nothing else. I know it may sound so crazy such a easy task but atm i am so scared of it all and I am not sure why it feels so huge.

Maybe you are scarred of seeing people, them asking questions, you getting upset in public? Maybe you are scared of the immense amount of effort and energy it will take to get dressed and go out seem normal? Whatever it is it's ok to be scared and it's ok to cry in public if that happens. It's ok to look a mess or not do small talk with other parents. It can be anyway you need.

If you can’t get through to the midwives.. would you consider reaching out to other people.. I am a birth doula and could reach out in my networks to see if there is anyone in your area who is trained and specializes in bereavement. We call it supporting every birth and there is a very special lady I have in mind who lives near Manchester airport.. let me know if this resonates with you but no need to respond if it doesn’t.

I am not sure why it feels so huge

Because you are grieving for your little baby girl.

You are in the Upside Down and it takes time to orientate yourself.

It'll be ok. You've just got to ride it out and be very kind to yourself. You don't sound crazy, you sound like a mother who is suffering an unbearable loss.

Reads to me like you are doing great. Apart from the "give yourself a break" bit. You suck at that.

I am not happy about the fact that the midwives were not in touch yet.
Can your husband contact the PALS? That seems to work. He can explains to them that you need the support.

yes, @Loki01, that is a good point.

Supervisor of Midwives for your area would be able to help too.

Thank you all for the messages.

Today started off well I got ds ready for school and managed to get in the car but I was unable to drive. I know it sounds so silly but I had adjusted the seat to accommodate my bump but today there was no bump and the thought readjusting it sent me off in to a full blown panic attack. Thankfully dh took us in his car in the end.

After the drop off we visited her grave again which was calming. Dh encouraged me to try call the midwives again and thankfully I got through to the midwife who delivered our baby and she was so kind and apologetic that they hadn't been in touch sooner. After a long talk of her part and a long cry on mine she has told me she is making a referral to the perinatal mental health team she said it will be a few weeks before they be in touch but she thinks it will be beneficial for me. And in meantime either she or one of her team will be making contact every few days and she said I am more than welcome to call them as many times as I wish.

But now I'm feeling so anxious chest feels so tight just say they think I'm an unfit mother or take my ds away from me. Dh thinks I'm being ridiculous because this isn't about ds this is about my loss and grief but I am so scared and I don't know what to expect. I just want to come out of this dark period of my life and I am so scared.

I am so sorry.

You are not an unfit mother because you are grieving the death of your daughter. I promise you that.

I am sorry you have to wait so long for help and support.

This is grieving. You are grieving. You are still putting one foot in front of the other and you have others around you who will support your family.

You are doing this. It is hard. You made it to the car.. that is progress.

@ChateauMargaux

You are not an unfit mother because you are grieving the death of your daughter. I promise you that.

I am sorry you have to wait so long for help and support.

This is grieving. You are grieving. You are still putting one foot in front of the other and you have others around you who will support your family.

You are doing this. It is hard. You made it to the car.. that is progress.

Thank you for replying.

I am trying so hard I promise I am taking everything everyone says on board but everyday brings with it something new. I just really miss her and that emptiness she has left weighs so heavy on me I don't know how to move with it if that makes sense.

Dh has adjusted the seat in car this afternoon and is encouraging me to go for a drive tomorrow. He is saying he happy to come but if I want to go alone he thinks it might benefit me. I said i will see how I feel in the morning. Everything reminds me of what we have lost its so crazy how much our lives has changed from having her in our lives for such a short time. I am so sorry but I just miss her so much.

@ChateauMargaux

If you can’t get through to the midwives.. would you consider reaching out to other people.. I am a birth doula and could reach out in my networks to see if there is anyone in your area who is trained and specializes in bereavement. We call it supporting every birth and there is a very special lady I have in mind who lives near Manchester airport.. let me know if this resonates with you but no need to respond if it doesn’t.

I am sorry I thought I had replied when I read this but I must have forgotten. I will be grateful for any information if you have any we live in Birmingham but I really don't want to put you in to much trouble I am sorry for being like this.