Termination of pregnancy due to medical reasons

[Newdreams]

Hi I am sorry if this is in the wrong place I don't mean to offend anyone. I am 19 weeks pregnant and have been told my baby has bilateral renal agenesis, this is a fatal condition which means the baby will not survive outside the womb and currently has no amniotic fluid. I have been give the option of termination or waiting for nature to take its course (I have another thread about the build to the diagnosis) but I really wanted to know if anyone been in similar position and what did they chose to do and how did they manage to deal with the emotional side of things. My heart saying to wait bur my head is saying to opt for the termination but I feel exhausted I can't think straight and just wanted to know some other people's experiences.

I've just read through the thread and I'm so sorry for everything that everyone sharing here has experienced. I had a TFMR at 23 weeks 8 years ago and it was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. ARC were absolutely invaluable though and I wanted to mention their forums that you can sign up to talk to other women who are going through the same thing. For me, in the first few weeks after the termination, the forums were a lifeline and made me feel almost 'normal' again as no one I knew in 'real life' could properly understand what I'd experienced. It's a truly heartbreaking thing to go through and my heart really goes out to you. Take care of yourself as much as you can keep talking if you feel you can - it really helps x

The bereavement support I had via the hospital was a great help even though I didn't want to engage with the and didn't think they'd be very helpful.

The woman changed everything for me. I hope that gives you some hope.

Your DH sounds very thoughtful and kind, @Newdreams. I'm glad you will take the counselling, it might take a while for you to be able to find the words underneath your pain like you found with the Chaplain, and that's ok.

Has anyone directed you to Sands? www.sands.org.uk/support-you/how-we-offer-support

They have some helpful stuff on the website and a phone line and chat line that's staffed during the week.

Hope today has a little bit of peace in it for you.

Had a very emotional night and morning but a bit calmer we just not doing anything today. My mum said she would pop in tomorrow to see us so looking forward to that. Had a walk in the park with ds and dh before lunch but feel exhausted it's crazy how depleted my energy levels are.

I have read everything on this thread and am really trying to implement it some hours are easy than others but I have to try and carry on even with this unbearable grief.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Your DH sounds very thoughtful and kind, *@Newdreams*. I'm glad you will take the counselling, it might take a while for you to be able to find the words underneath your pain like you found with the Chaplain, and that's ok.

Has anyone directed you to Sands? www.sands.org.uk/support-you/how-we-offer-support

They have some helpful stuff on the website and a phone line and chat line that's staffed during the week.

Hope today has a little bit of peace in it for you.

Thank you for the link no one has really mentioned them they have arc and the bilateral renal agenisis support groups but not sands. I will have a look. I find sometimes I look at them and feel a measure of peace and at other times just increases the anxiety knowing how many more people have and are suffering same or similar can be quite disheartening.

My dh is really lovely and thoughtful. I will attempt the counselling and see how it goes I don't think I have ever been really able to address my feelings out aloud in the sense of everyone going into protection mode but maybe with a stranger it might be easier.

sometimes I look at them and feel a measure of peace and at other times just increases the anxiety knowing how many more people have and are suffering same or similar can be quite disheartening

Yes, that's an interesting point. My son's consultant invited me to a group of parents. I started wittering on about how our son was, how it impacted on the family, and eventually realised that all the other parents had their jaws hanging open. I really thought I was amongst peers and could talk freely, turns out, we were in a much worse situation than any of them and I had freaked some of them out. Oops. Wasn't a very helpful experience for anyone!

OP, IME, it's much easier to tell a 'stranger' how you are feeling as you can unburden yourself without having to worry about their feelings.

Thank you had a rather calm afternoon and evening but the anxiety and emptiness is really setting in now ds is asleep. Feel like every day sets more time between the last time I said goodbye to her but everyday brings with it a new layer of grief and sadness I don't know if it makes sense but it's the way it's making sense for me. I had a look at the stages of grief before so I am assuming it's something everyone goes through but it still hurts and and the emptiness is so real. It's 14 days tomorrow since she was born how can it be that long so soon I am sorry just feeling so all 9ver the place.

14 dreadfully hard days that you didn't think you'd manage to get through but somehow you have. Well done for this and just get through this day any way you can.

@pompomsgalore

14 dreadfully hard days that you didn't think you'd manage to get through but somehow you have. Well done for this and just get through this day any way you can.

Thank you had a couple of hours of sleep last night so woke up with that horrible realisation that she was no longer here. Both dh and I had a really good cry and chat with morning so feel a lot calmer now I have just put on a wash which feels so normal which makes me feel guilty but I guess that's to be expected.

It sounds to me like you are doing really well, @Newdreams. Doing domestic chores that need to be done is an achievement.

Personally, I rarely get as far as putting them away, but, that has nothing to do with grief, it's just my incompetence

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

It sounds to me like you are doing really well, *@Newdreams*. Doing domestic chores that need to be done is an achievement.

Personally, I rarely get as far as putting them away, but, that has nothing to do with grief, it's just my incompetence

Thank you for all your kindness on this thread. Had a calm day yesterday but the night and today has been so tough couldn't sleep chest feels so tight.

Sorry for tmi but I have stopped bleeding today and just feels like everything is really over now. My daughter is nothing but a memory now and I'm really struggling with that. GP Last week asked me to take a pregnancy test today before my appointment tomorrow which I took this morning and the one line on the stick was a further kick whilst I am down. I have tried to keep myself busy today but don't know how to get myself dealing with it. I have decided to call the midwife this week to ask about the counselling.

(Pressed send before I was done sorry)

DH has had work meeting today with his hr. He has agreed to start back on Monday but depending on how both me ad ds are he might work reduced hours. He feels he needs to do this for himself and I agree I think it will be good for him to forge a bit of routine back but I am also just so nervous of being alone. It just all feels a bit much at the moment.

Last night I was on ttc threads it felt like I was torturing myself I so want to be pregnant again but not sure I can face the journey and also the uncertainty I don't know if it makes sense but I just miss her being inside me so much. I miss all the things I was feeling the horrible sickness the severe migraines everything I would do anything for her to be here I am so sorry.

I am sorry too.

It sounds like you and DH are a good team and that you listen to each other and care for each other in a very practical, solid way. That is really lovely.

I can see you'd be drawn to the TTC threads. There is no right way to grieve. You'll still be hormonal and lacking in sleep, so I wonder whether reading about women who want to be pregnant is torturing yourself so much as maybe trying to find solidarity? Contacting the midwife - top idea, bereavement midwives tend to be people who know what they are talking about.

What happened to the wash? Is it still in the machine or did you get it hung up?

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am sorry too.

It sounds like you and DH are a good team and that you listen to each other and care for each other in a very practical, solid way. That is really lovely.

I can see you'd be drawn to the TTC threads. There is no right way to grieve. You'll still be hormonal and lacking in sleep, so I wonder whether reading about women who want to be pregnant is torturing yourself so much as maybe trying to find solidarity? Contacting the midwife - top idea, bereavement midwives tend to be people who know what they are talking about.

What happened to the wash? Is it still in the machine or did you get it hung up?

I didn't get the wash out I actually forgot about until I saw dh bringing it out the drier he must have taken it out and put it in the drier. It is currently sitting in the basket waiting to be put away but I just haven't managed it yet.

I feel so scared of calling the midwifes I don't even know why because they have been nothing but lovely everytime I have spoken to them but I just feel so anxious about it all.

I have decided to stay away from the ttc threads for now I think i need to feel a little stronger in myself for the moment. Its so hard though I don't want to replace her but I just feel a longing to be pregnant so much she filled a void in me I didn't know I had and now she is gone if anything I feel like the void is ever bigger. I just miss her movements I feel like everything is hazy like I need to wake up from this night mare I am in.

I understand the draw to be pregnant again and thinking of trying to conceive.
When it is your time why not look for threads about pregnancy after loss as these women know exactly your pain and they'll be very supportive.

@pompomsgalore

I understand the draw to be pregnant again and thinking of trying to conceive. When it is your time why not look for threads about pregnancy after loss as these women know exactly your pain and they'll be very supportive.

The need to feel pregnant again I guess is quite selfish of me but the desire is so strong I would give anything just to have my daughter here with me like all of us on this thread I guess.

At the moment I don't feel strong enough to look at the pregnancy after loss threads it feels too real in a sense I don't know if that's the word for it but I think your right when we feel ready It would be something for than.

I feel like I am immediately just focusing on trying to get pregnant again because it took us soo long to conceive this time round i just selfishly feel impatient. But I also feel so guilty none of this really makes sense. I am sorry.

@Newdreams I followed this thread for some time now. never saying anything as I didn't know what to say. I can't make it better and I haven't had the same experience. I do remember the weird brief moment between sleeping and being awake from when my older son was fighting cancer. Everything was ok for that tiny moment and then it hit you. Every day, over and over again.

This WILL get better. You will never forget your daughter, but you will remember her with only the love, not the pain you are feeling now. You will smile when you think of her.

It's ok to want to be pregnant. I think most women do after it doesn't go to plan. It's not selfish and nothing to feel guilty about.
What hurts is the extra love that we carry in our hearts after someone leaves. The love that now has no home. You are looking to give that love to someone.
I am sorry this has happened to you. You are doing so well!

That's really beautifully put, @Loki01. I hope your son's cancer had a happy outcome.

You are doing SO well, @Newdreams.

[quote Loki01]@Newdreams I followed this thread for some time now. never saying anything as I didn't know what to say. I can't make it better and I haven't had the same experience. I do remember the weird brief moment between sleeping and being awake from when my older son was fighting cancer. Everything was ok for that tiny moment and then it hit you. Every day, over and over again.

This WILL get better. You will never forget your daughter, but you will remember her with only the love, not the pain you are feeling now. You will smile when you think of her.

It's ok to want to be pregnant. I think most women do after it doesn't go to plan. It's not selfish and nothing to feel guilty about.
What hurts is the extra love that we carry in our hearts after someone leaves. The love that now has no home. You are looking to give that love to someone.
I am sorry this has happened to you. You are doing so well![/quote]
I am so sorry for not replying sooner I did read your message last night but has having a really difficult time and just couldn't reply.

I am so sorry to hear about your sons battle with cancer I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you hope his outcome was positive I am so sorry if I am causing unknown upset. Sorry.

What you say about love makes so much sense I feel like I have no where to put it atm like I feel like I need something physical to hold on to but obviously I can't.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

That's really beautifully put, *@Loki01*. I hope your son's cancer had a happy outcome.

You are doing SO well, @Newdreams.

Last night and today have been soo hard I have not managed to do anything today I feel so broken and this tight chest feels so constricted. I feel like such a bad mum to my ds and feel guilty for missing my daughter so much because I can barely look after ds atm.

I had to rearrange the gp appointment today just couldn't face going out I don't want to face the world. I received a little parcel in the post today dh thought it was something I ordered so left on side. Just went down now and was a bit confused as I haven't ordered anything since beginning of Dec so I opened it and inside was little silver charm of my daughter hand print I feel like it has undone me I vaguely remember the midwife mentioning it but it's undone me will try and upload a pic if I can. I am so sorry and I am trying to manage and get through. I went on to the arc forum last night and the tfmr pages on Instagram and I feel like it hurts so much more and the realisation that this could possibly happen again in a future pregnancy. I don't know if I am focusing on the wrong things atm but it all feels like too much.

I have tried calling the bereavement ward today to ask for the counselling but no one answered left a message but no one been in tough they must be so busy but they did say sometimes when the wards not got any patients they get redeployed elsewhere so I am assuming that's what has happend. I will try again but so hard as it took me about 4 hours to build up the courage to call and than another 3 attempts to leave a voicemail all encouraged by dh bless him so unlucky to be stuck with me.

Forgot to add the last post

@Newdreams
That is beautiful! Receiving this is hard...

When is your GP appoitment?

[quote Loki01]@Newdreams
That is beautiful! Receiving this is hard...

When is your GP appoitment?[/quote]
Thank you

It was meant to be today but have rebooted for next Tuesday as that's the only other day my gp in we do have locums rest of the week but I just don't feel very comfortable with them.

@Newdreams Please try to go. It will help. You will probably cry all the way through but that is normal.
Have the midwives been in touch?