I just want out. I want it all to stop. Always grumpy or crying, never happy. Fucking up the kids. I should never have brought them into this, I'm terrified they'll end up like me. They're so happy and I shout and cry and make them miserable. They're much happier with their dad, more stable. I've wanted out for so long but I'm scared I'll fuck them up even more. But I'm fucking them up anyway as it is. Surely a calm stable home without me is better than one where they're walking on eggshells. I'm almost scared I feel so close this time. I'm empty. I look at people who are happy and engaged in life and I don't know how to feel like that. I want my head to stop.