I'm done

[itsalljusttoomuchnow]

I just want out. I want it all to stop. Always grumpy or crying, never happy. Fucking up the kids. I should never have brought them into this, I'm terrified they'll end up like me. They're so happy and I shout and cry and make them miserable. They're much happier with their dad, more stable. I've wanted out for so long but I'm scared I'll fuck them up even more. But I'm fucking them up anyway as it is. Surely a calm stable home without me is better than one where they're walking on eggshells. I'm almost scared I feel so close this time. I'm empty. I look at people who are happy and engaged in life and I don't know how to feel like that. I want my head to stop.

Hello itsalljusttoomuchnow,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel as you do now we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ - we hope things look a lot brighter for you soon.

Sending you so much love. From bitter experience, they will NOT be better without you. Stay. Be gentle with yourself. Take things one minute at a time. Your plan for the next minute: call someone right now and be absolutely honest about how you feel. The Samaritans are on 116123. Call them now.

Oh OP! I know how you feel… believe me, as wise @Lissie87 just said, no one will be better off without you. But maybe YOU need a week off. If the kids can be with their dad for a week or someone can help?

To your children, an ill parent is better then no parent. This isn't your fault. Depression can hit any one of us and it's a bitch when it does! You don't need to be perfect, but you need to stay as strong as you possibly can. Depression can be like a brick wall stopping you from getting on with you life, everyday you can knock one brick off that wall and eventually it won't be there anymore. If you could magically change just one thing in your life - what would that be? This is what you need to work on first. Really small steps and first but they build up to big strides. You've reached out on here for help which is a positive step, please try calling the support helplines for more support. You are worth it.

I don't want to call anyone. I can't talk about it.
I live with the kids' dad. I watched my mum for years and years and eventually wished she would just do it. It was awful. She killed herself slowly over many years of anorexia. I never thought about my kids seeing me fall apart or inheriting it from me before we had them. I hate the thought of either.

So talk about something else. You deserve help. You deserve resources spent on you. I wish I had. Any tired relative who could use your “help “ for a week? Just the time for you to walk away from the stress?

You deserve better, don't repeat the cycle with your kids. Stay strong.

Hugs you’re not alone, don’t hurt yourself, more people love you than you know. They are strong enough to get over the hurt you THINK, you’ve caused.. it may not be as bad as what your head is telling you. Please dial 112 or get to your GP ASAP, there are lots of people who want to help you.. let them.. more hugs, take care, you are so worthwhile and needed..

So sorry you're going through this. I don't have any answers but I can relate to the feelings you have about worrying about your children inheriting mental health problems. X

Are you feeling better OP?