I feel stupid, incompetent and I want to die

[Ariennnnessa]

I’m 23 and work in hospitality, that isn’t an issue in itself of course. But I’m fucking terrible at it, like I’m terrible at everything. I can’t do anything right. It’s not laziness as I try my arse off and do my best to remember stuff but my brain is like a sieve. I can’t help it.

I now have a reputation at my work for being a thick, useless, gormless twat. I admit I do make mistakes but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying and I still do it, I can’t discipline myself more than I already am doing. Because I now have this reputation though, people look for problems. I get patronised by female coworkers and male (mainly the chefs) coworkers tut and shout at me. I’m a waitress and a particular chef bullies me. Sometimes I’ll leave tickets on the stack of plates when I have to tend to a customer which he hates but he’s taken to finding fault with everything I do now. I was training a 16 year old on collecting food from the pass earlier but I left him there for 30 seconds to sanitise my hands as I’d just taken dirty cutlery from a table and when I got back he yelled my name and screamed in my face for apparently being lazy and expecting the teenager to run all of his food alone. The chefs tut to each other when I walk past and give me nasty looks, my mere presence irritates them. The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him. I was stranded outside in the restaurant in the dark, everybody pissed off home and I had to ring my partner to pick me up because I don’t drive (the restaurant is in a village on the far outskirts of Birmingham and I live in the city centre).

I made a singular mistake today on the handheld (forgot to log off the table which meant the other waitress couldn’t access it on the system, it is a problem that takes 10 seconds to fix). She approached me and said “Once again you’re not logging off the table. If it happens again I’m going to take your handheld off you.” I used to do this a lot when I first started but I’m fine with it now, it was just one mistake. This waitress and the chef speak the same language (from the same country) and they talk loudly about me in this language and laugh. I hear my name and they’ll look over at me and it makes me feel ill. There’s a manager who thinks I’m thick and today tried to explain to me what a mop was. I wanted to hit her, she does this every day and it makes me hate myself. I had to leave mid shift last week because of chronic pain and when I came in the next day she said “You looked awful!”. I mentioned it was a chronic condition I have and she pulled a face and made a point of backing away from me.

It’s not just this job though, any other job has been the same. School was the same.
People laughed whenever I got asked a question by the teacher. I hate myself. I’m not thick though, I’m extremely clever in some ways. My general knowledge is out of this world. I’m really up to date with general affairs. I’m a brilliant writer and have won several competitions, I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account. But I can’t do anything fucking right and I try so, so hard. I also recently found out I have endometriosis and I’m heartbroken and me and my partner want to TTC soon. But I feel it’s typical, I can’t do anything else right and I’m not capable of anything else so why would I be able to have a baby? Tonight I want to die.

Your colleagues are bullying bastards OP.

I would say snarl back at them and learn the words "fuck off you cunt" in their language to answer them back but I know it's easy for me to say that as a 50 year old woman with my menopausal rage. I remember the insecurity and lack of confidence from my early 20s and how bullies zone in on younger, less confident women.

No job is worth this shit. I would leave but make life difficult for them whether that be complaining to head office or getting help from a union to put in a bullying/harassment case.

If it makes you feel better, my XH once got sacked from a supermarket shelf stacking job; he wasnt quick enough apparently and kept putting things in the wrong place. He has his own successful business now.

Definitely look into another career where you can take longer and have lists etc if what you need to do. A slower job, if you like. If you want to stay in hospitality maybe reception or reservations would be a better way to go. People denigrate waiting on tables but actually you need a wide range of skills and a very good memory to be efficient and good at it. I have a very good memory which served me very well in my lengthy hospitality career. You also need to be able to be pulled quickly from one thing to another while retaining what you were originally doing - and that doesn't suit everyone's personality.

Also lots of chefs are total dicks to waiting staff. I've seen a great deal of it - from both sides of the pass (chef turned FOH turned management then changed career)

You obviously have a passion and a talent for writing, throw your heart and soul into that. I also really like @PartyStory idea of starting a wedding photography business.

The bullies at your workplace are a bunch of wankers. I would silently look for another job to tide you over financially until your writing/photography career kicks off properly.

The only reason you don't fit in there is because you don't belong there and are destined for bigger things - remember that.

Ltb

I was a waitress for a while as a teenager and I bloody hated it, I was terrible at it and the chef and manager were fucking horrible.
I've never felt useless at work since so I think it's the industry.
Could you find a job looking to your strengths?

I was a terrible waitress, forgot stuff, fucked up orders, just little mistakes all the time.. I'm much older now and was diagnosed with dyslexia in my 30's (probably tick a few ADHD boxes too). I've got a master's and a doctorate and work in a competitive field . .... Not being a brilliant waitress is not a sign you're doomed Oh and your workplace colleagues sound like unpleasant bullies

You need to move into a different job and start again. They sound horrible.

Have you thought about working in social media?

In the short term find a new job. Even if you keep waitressing, not every restaurant has staff who are bullying cunts.

Medium term think of a change of career. Think of what would aline best w your skills and talents (it's really clear from your op that you have many).

Oh and I once spilled a massive carafe of cold water and eight drinks onto an elderly lady when I was a waitress... now that was bad. I'm now wel respected in my office-based career

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

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We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Dear OP. I'm glad you posted for support. I know any old stranger can post 'it's not you, it's them' on the internet to comfort you, because it seems the right thing to say when someone has written that they feel so low. But from what you've posted I genuinely believe this is the case.

First thing I'd say is that hospitality is a notoriously cutthroat, brutal industry. It's well-known for it. And so - without meaning to stereotype but it's inevitable - are chefs. Shouting and swearing at people really isn't a good look.

PPs have also made some excellent points about possible ADHD/autism. It may be worth investigating.

I was once like you. I'm no slouch intellectually, but I have the one blind spot that if there is such a thing as numerical dyslexia, I'm a prime candidate. My maths are atrocious. I can barely even use a calculator. I once had a job as a data-input clerk. I inputted numbers onto spreadsheets all day long, unremittingly, until my eyes crossed over and felt like balls of glue in my head.

I can proof-read written texts very accurately (which is fortunate as I'm now a writer). Proof-reading numbers was simply like churning around incomprehensible symbols to me. I wanted to print the finished product off so I could compare the figures accurately against their source but was told 'no, your check is on the screen'. My manager was a horrific bully. She harangued me relentlessly, treated me as some kind of bimbo (her words not mine) and eventually fired me for incompetence. It shot my self-esteem: my intelligence was the one attribute I'd ever felt I had going for me at that age, and this situation caused me to question whether I really actually was terminally stupid. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. So much so, that until now I've never even told anyone else about it.

If it's any comfort to you, OP, I'm now an academic, working in a subject that's my true niche (it isn't maths or the sciences)! I have a Class 1 Hons degree, a Master's with distinction and a PhD. I consistently publish world-class research (3 and 4) and my name is well-known in the scholarly field of what I do. I'm on course for a Professorial chair.

But I sucked at numerical data-input. I also sucked at bar work. You too can find a profession that's deserving of your own particular talents and abilities.

You're not stupid. Keep telling yourself that. Your self esteem is taking a bashing because you're being bullied by arseholes, and if your experience is anything like mine, the more you're bullied the more the cycle continues and you fear making more mistakes, so the more 'incompetent' you get. In any case, everybody makes mistakes sometimes. Your oh-so-lofty employers are not perfect in this respect either.

It's not you. I promise you, it really isn't.

(PS. I have endometriosis and once felt the same way about that as you do. I did have a child, as do lots of other women with the condition).

One last point. I went to university as a mature student, not straight from school at 18. I was 25 when I started. Office work wasn't cutting it for me: I was bored and dissatisfied with the work and rarely lasted more than two years in any job. It's possible to change your life's direction at any time.

Sending you

OP I could have written so much of your post. I am now on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.

Wow Op - you could have been me! Literally almost identical situation when I was in my 20s - I am 43 now . I am a senior professional in a job I love - (I also have adhd but I actually dont think that is hugely relevant here) -

I was bullied and belittled for being forgetful and not a very good waitress in more than one job - in a pub (which I actually loved working in) - and in a very busy cafe.

Op - please, take it form me - you are not defined by your poor skills as a waitress - but these individuals are defined by their bullying. They are horrible people - you are making small errors in a challenging and stressful role.

Word for word I could have described my life as you did - it really really got me down being picked on. But - as others have said, life is more than menial stressful jobs.

I excel in my work - I am creative, driven, I am self employed - yes i am known widely in my family as clumsy forgetful and apt to drift off mid sentence or stop listening - I am also messy and disorganised - BUT - this has not held me back enough to stop me being sucesful at work though it did take til the end of my 20s to really get myself sorted.

Have faith in yourself , find your passion and get away from these buillies.

Omg just leave!! They're horrible and I bet it's really badly paid too.

You'd excel at a job in marketing or magazines or advertising.

You're too good for that job.

This might not be ADHD, though. People with ADHD are usually good in high-pressure jobs, but less good in dull, repetitive, admin-based work. There's no reward without stress or excitement.

I'm 100% sure I've got ADHD and I was an amazing barmaid as it was intense and pressured and chatty, and I didn't get a chance to get bored. Plus the shifts were a set time, and fast-paced.

But I was CRAP at any office jobs.

Please do get assessed for ADHD. I have been diagnosed this week and it has explained so much! Your post brought back so many memories about hospitality jobs I had in my youth. They were the jobs I most struggled with (and I'm now a partner in a law firm).

Working in a shop was ok but working in a kitchen/serving at a counter/waitressing i really struggled with. I just couldn't multitask. I was always getting bollocked for being slow or disorganised, not just by the bosses but by co-workers even though I was really trying. I worked in a kitchen/dining hall for camp America and within weeks I was completely ostracized by co-workers. It was awful not least as I was stuck there (living there) for the season.

I had a holiday job (cafe) for the summer season when I was in the sixth form. As soon as the season started winding down I was the first to stop being offered shifts. Then at uni I had a job in the uni cafeteria. I did two two-hour shifts and one full day. Within a couple of weeks I had the full day shift taken off me as it was "obviously too much". That was mortifying. Later I worked in a bar and managed to keep that job but was sarcastically nicknamed "Lightning" because everything seemed to take me so long though I still couldn't explain why.

The most painful bit of those memories is the cruelty from my co-workers. If you can get out, please do so. You might find something like working on a checkout where you have less multitasked duties might be much more successful. One of my most successful service industry jobs was on a pharmacy counter which youd think would be more challenging than waitressing but I was much more suited to it!

I was a shit waitress! I dropped stuff all the time, was rubbish and everything and hated it, I got sacked more than once! Leave and get a different job if you can doing something better suited to you!

I work in communications now and I'm really good at it! No one bullies me or tuts when I walk past!

Sorry you are feeling like this - you just need to find your place, this doesn't sound like it is.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks - check out dyscalculia www.understood.org/articles/en/what-is-dyscalculia - could call it numerical dyslexia

This is bullying, you are being scapegoated by all the staff. They are making you anxious. Anxiety will cause you to make mistakes and be forgetful. This is on them and not you. I think that the pattern of behaviour from them won't change - please look for something else.

I have done lots of different jobs, waitressing was the absolute worst - hideous. People treat you like crap.

You can and you will find your place in this world, please don't waste your precious life feeling miserable.

Waitressing was also my worst job performance- and my colleagues were actually great, including the manager. I found it more stressful than bar work as you had to keep on top of quite a few tables all at different stages whereas bar work and retail was usually one transaction after another, straightforward.

These co-workers (can’t call them colleagues if they behave like that) are awful. You will shine when you find the right opportunity but this isn’t it.

OP, your post sounds exactly like my experiences for several years. Does anybody have any experience of getting an adult adhd diagnosis. I hear it is very difficult?

@gobbynorthernbird

Which of your previous threads was a reverse? The one where you're a 39 year old with a nine month old baby and you're TTC, or the one about your 18 year old DD?

Yes - I'm confused too

It's not you OP. It's your current job and colleagues. Your job sounds like a terrible place to work and your colleagues are twats.

You need a new career in one of those creative things you are good at like writing or photography.

Start planning tomorrow. The sooner you can start doing something else and importantly somewhere else away from these people, the better.
Feel
Better soon. And if you do end up doing photography, we want to see picture

I find that I make lots more mistakes when I feel under a critical eye. You are surrounded by hostility so it is no surprise to me that in that environment you are working so hard on watching your own every move that you trip up - when can you ever relax there!
You have more talent than me, writing and photography! I don't have a single talent I can actually name, I just bumble along being generally OK at stuff.
Could you manage to leave this job? Living in centre of Birmingham there must be other opportunities that are more in line with your talents. I know a young lady who works in photo re-touching, she has a fab eye and concentration stamina and the skills to get in are achievable, bet you could come up with something. Don't despair, you are immersed regularly in the company of nasty people - that would drag down the best of us!