I’m 23 and work in hospitality, that isn’t an issue in itself of course. But I’m fucking terrible at it, like I’m terrible at everything. I can’t do anything right. It’s not laziness as I try my arse off and do my best to remember stuff but my brain is like a sieve. I can’t help it.
I now have a reputation at my work for being a thick, useless, gormless twat. I admit I do make mistakes but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying and I still do it, I can’t discipline myself more than I already am doing. Because I now have this reputation though, people look for problems. I get patronised by female coworkers and male (mainly the chefs) coworkers tut and shout at me. I’m a waitress and a particular chef bullies me. Sometimes I’ll leave tickets on the stack of plates when I have to tend to a customer which he hates but he’s taken to finding fault with everything I do now. I was training a 16 year old on collecting food from the pass earlier but I left him there for 30 seconds to sanitise my hands as I’d just taken dirty cutlery from a table and when I got back he yelled my name and screamed in my face for apparently being lazy and expecting the teenager to run all of his food alone. The chefs tut to each other when I walk past and give me nasty looks, my mere presence irritates them. The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him. I was stranded outside in the restaurant in the dark, everybody pissed off home and I had to ring my partner to pick me up because I don’t drive (the restaurant is in a village on the far outskirts of Birmingham and I live in the city centre).
I made a singular mistake today on the handheld (forgot to log off the table which meant the other waitress couldn’t access it on the system, it is a problem that takes 10 seconds to fix). She approached me and said “Once again you’re not logging off the table. If it happens again I’m going to take your handheld off you.” I used to do this a lot when I first started but I’m fine with it now, it was just one mistake. This waitress and the chef speak the same language (from the same country) and they talk loudly about me in this language and laugh. I hear my name and they’ll look over at me and it makes me feel ill. There’s a manager who thinks I’m thick and today tried to explain to me what a mop was. I wanted to hit her, she does this every day and it makes me hate myself. I had to leave mid shift last week because of chronic pain and when I came in the next day she said “You looked awful!”. I mentioned it was a chronic condition I have and she pulled a face and made a point of backing away from me.
It’s not just this job though, any other job has been the same. School was the same.
People laughed whenever I got asked a question by the teacher. I hate myself. I’m not thick though, I’m extremely clever in some ways. My general knowledge is out of this world. I’m really up to date with general affairs. I’m a brilliant writer and have won several competitions, I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account. But I can’t do anything fucking right and I try so, so hard. I also recently found out I have endometriosis and I’m heartbroken and me and my partner want to TTC soon. But I feel it’s typical, I can’t do anything else right and I’m not capable of anything else so why would I be able to have a baby? Tonight I want to die.