I feel stupid, incompetent and I want to die

[Ariennnnessa]

I’m 23 and work in hospitality, that isn’t an issue in itself of course. But I’m fucking terrible at it, like I’m terrible at everything. I can’t do anything right. It’s not laziness as I try my arse off and do my best to remember stuff but my brain is like a sieve. I can’t help it.

I now have a reputation at my work for being a thick, useless, gormless twat. I admit I do make mistakes but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying and I still do it, I can’t discipline myself more than I already am doing. Because I now have this reputation though, people look for problems. I get patronised by female coworkers and male (mainly the chefs) coworkers tut and shout at me. I’m a waitress and a particular chef bullies me. Sometimes I’ll leave tickets on the stack of plates when I have to tend to a customer which he hates but he’s taken to finding fault with everything I do now. I was training a 16 year old on collecting food from the pass earlier but I left him there for 30 seconds to sanitise my hands as I’d just taken dirty cutlery from a table and when I got back he yelled my name and screamed in my face for apparently being lazy and expecting the teenager to run all of his food alone. The chefs tut to each other when I walk past and give me nasty looks, my mere presence irritates them. The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him. I was stranded outside in the restaurant in the dark, everybody pissed off home and I had to ring my partner to pick me up because I don’t drive (the restaurant is in a village on the far outskirts of Birmingham and I live in the city centre).

I made a singular mistake today on the handheld (forgot to log off the table which meant the other waitress couldn’t access it on the system, it is a problem that takes 10 seconds to fix). She approached me and said “Once again you’re not logging off the table. If it happens again I’m going to take your handheld off you.” I used to do this a lot when I first started but I’m fine with it now, it was just one mistake. This waitress and the chef speak the same language (from the same country) and they talk loudly about me in this language and laugh. I hear my name and they’ll look over at me and it makes me feel ill. There’s a manager who thinks I’m thick and today tried to explain to me what a mop was. I wanted to hit her, she does this every day and it makes me hate myself. I had to leave mid shift last week because of chronic pain and when I came in the next day she said “You looked awful!”. I mentioned it was a chronic condition I have and she pulled a face and made a point of backing away from me.

It’s not just this job though, any other job has been the same. School was the same.
People laughed whenever I got asked a question by the teacher. I hate myself. I’m not thick though, I’m extremely clever in some ways. My general knowledge is out of this world. I’m really up to date with general affairs. I’m a brilliant writer and have won several competitions, I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account. But I can’t do anything fucking right and I try so, so hard. I also recently found out I have endometriosis and I’m heartbroken and me and my partner want to TTC soon. But I feel it’s typical, I can’t do anything else right and I’m not capable of anything else so why would I be able to have a baby? Tonight I want to die.

So sorry you’re feeling this way

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/amp/

Do this ^

Also just to clarify I do have a previous thread under this name where the history doesn’t add up but it was a reverse about a situation within my family, please don’t delete this thread I really need support tonight as I’m in a state and it’s all genuine

People can often be bad-tempered working in hospitality. Not worth dying over, but I know the feeling. Also, that of trying to function with chronic pain. I hope your find less stressful employment soon. Keep pursuing your interests and talents, and be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

It sound to me like you are working in a dysfunctional bullying workplace and it's destroying your confidence.

The role isn't right for you and you and have lots of other talents? What do you really want to do?

You might just not be suited to waitressing. Plenty of people are not but that doesn't make you no good at everything.

My DH was fired from being a mailman when he was younger. He could not manage to get the mail delivered. He's a well respected professional now, extremely competent and well educated.

Also, you work with complete asshats.

I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account.

They're are some really good apprenticeships on offer... In a wide variety of careers. See the link below.

www.apprenticeships.gov.uk/apprentices

So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way OP. You’re extremely articulate, have you not thought about maybe looking into a different career? Infertility, not that that is necessarily an issue for you, is never anybody’s fault. Sending all best wishes 💐

@HannaHanna

You might just not be suited to waitressing. Plenty of people are not but that doesn't make you no good at everything.

My DH was fired from being a mailman when he was younger. He could not manage to get the mail delivered. He's a well respected professional now, extremely competent and well educated.

Also, you work with complete asshats.

This!

I am shit hot at my profession but would be a crap waitress! You sound like you are very talented in other areas. Your colleagues sound awful.

Sorry, OP, it can’t be nice to feel like this or to be in this situation. To be honest, your workplace sounds toxic. Could you look for another job?

Your colleagues sound really unpleasant.

your value does not lay in your ability to waitress. thank God, I would be shit at it and drop everything, bump into everything and forget everything

Oh no, OP! You're certainly not stupid nor incompetent but the people around you are most definitely dicks. Can you apply for another job elsewhere? Easier said than done but staying in such a toxic environment is damaging your self esteem. Don't put up with it. x

What horrible people you work with. It would be good if you could capitalise on the things you do have a talent for. There must be other jobs or careers that can make use of your skills and interests. Journalism, copy writing, social media manager, pr, press photographer, photo stock, marketing, quiz writer.

The thing is, when you feel under appreciated and on edge all the time you are more likely to make mistakes than if you feel happy and safe. So your colleagues are probably part of the problem. You've obviously got some real talent, try and focus on finding a new career and don't let a bunch of mean hearted staff pull you down.

No job is worth this damage to your self esteem. Your colleagues are bullying you and enjoying it. Play to your strengths. Digital marketing could be a better fit for you. You write well, photography and social media. I'm sorry you are being treated so badly, you don't deserve this.

OP the people you are working with are nasty bullies. You need to try to leave there and find another job. Sounds like you have lots of other skills - could you do something completely different?

I’m sorry, I haven’t read the replies so I appreciate I’m being a dick if I’m repeating everything.

I was a shit waitress, couldn’t do it for god knows what reason. nothing in particular but I just could. Not. Do. It. So the owner put me behind the bar despite the fact I was 17. I was shit at that too, and she constantly, loudly talked about how shit I was at it in front of everyone, colleagues and customers, constantly. I was once in floods of tears while making Irish coffees for the first time while she made remarks about it. Thankfully everyone else was nice but they were putting up with me. I found another job and quit.

I dropped out of school very early and have always felt uneducated and stupid despite not being stupid at all.

You’re a writer. Go work for a paper. Yes, easier said than done, but keep emailing people. I ended up, despite no education, working for a national newspaper and loved it. I then quit to work in admin simply because it suited me better. Google copywriting firms and email every one of them. It’s great money and clearly it’s something you can so.

You’re 23, you have so much time ahead of you. Don’t let a shitty job and shitty people make you think this is the rest of forever.

It sounds like a horrible, bullying environment, and it has stressed you out to the point of leaving you feeling useless and like you can't do anything right in life at all. Your manager seems to be in om the bullying, but is there any point in speaking to her about the situation? Or does sje have anyone above her that you could speak to?

If not, it might be time to apply elsewhere for other jobs. Maybe even in a different line of work, if you don't enjoy waitressing.

I, like another poster on this thread, found myself thinking of ADHD. Obviously no one can diagnose anything based on a message board, but it may be worth your time to look into whether the symptoms or profile fits you at all. Keep in mind that women are often not overly hyperactive, but may suffer from some of the more "quiet" symptoms, such as trouble with attention and focusing, keeping things organised and such, leading to some of the challenges you're describing. Oftentimes problems with attention can mask themselves as memory problems. And it certainly doesn't make you stupid, but it does make you prone to stressed out mistakes in a high speed and high performance work place, if don't know how to handle it. And chronic pain can take joy - and the ability to focus - from most people, so please be kind to yourself.

I hope the best for you, and I apologise if my comment is completely missing its mark (as it well may be). No matter what, you Sseem to be trying really hard to do your best, and you don't deserve this at all.

Op

I’ve worked everywhere and hands down.... hospitality is horrible and a lot of chefs are total arseholes.

That said, you sounds like me when I was younger and I had terrible ADHD traits.

Leave your job before they destroy you

Might be worth looking to see if there is a medical reason for forgetfulness - I have dyslexia and had a similar situation to you early on in my career with constant criticism about forgetfulness but sarcasm when I took notes / made lists to manage the huge workload. Bullying by colleagues left me feeling worthless and stupid. I nearly had a breakdown which forced me to look for other jobs (at the time I felt I’d never be good enough to work anywhere).

It’s the best thing that could have happened my next job gave me back my confidence, I made friends I still keep in touch with and since then Ive worked successfully and happily in a number of places. Start looking for a new job - you’re worth so much more than this treatment and in the right environment your talents will thrive!

You are definitely in the wrong job, Ariennn; I can imagine what a stressful environment that is.

Everyone has a niche, you just haven't found yours yet. I was 28 before I found mine and once I did, I flew. Before that I was a trembling wreck, no confidence at but, like yourself, I was quite clever and had some talents.

The endometriosis doesn't help, that's a worrying and painful condition. I hope you are under the care of a good, specialist team because it can be helped, kept in check and people do go on to conceive. Rosie Marcel, the actress, is a fellow sufferer who had a baby.

If you could afford to give up work for a while, or find something very part time, even go off sick indefinitely, it might help you to relax and sort your life out.

The environment in which you are currently working is not conducive to good health or relaxation, at least not for you. It must be like going to prison every day, knowing you will endure ritualistic humiliation. You're better than that!

My heart goes out to you.

Oh my goodness that's dreadful.

I agree with looking into the adhd possibility.

Beyond that, even if you make mistakes in the couple of jobs you have had, that is not where your value lies. It does not make you useless or no good at anything. You have value because you are you, not for your ability to hand out plates correctly, however important that is in a waitress position. It's a detail oriented, fast-paced, repetitive, high pressure job which probably just doesn't suit the way you work. It's nothing to do with being useless. You just haven't found your thing.

And beyond that, you've perhaps been a victim of workplace bullying, which can give the most talented people a crisis of confidence. I watched someone wonderful crumble in the face of a nasty coworker.

Treat yourself with kindness tonight, and hang in there. Lastly, you know that trying-really-hard-even-when-it's-difficult-and-doesn't-come-naturally-and-it-feels-like-nobody-appreciates-you thing? It's very good preparation for children, so don't worry about not being any good at motherhood!

OP, I was exactly the same and had the situation repeat in several awful minimum wage jobs. I never lasted long and couldn’t get anything better. I was living in a small town and it became more and more difficult to find new employment and I would regularly see my old work places and coworkers. I felt so worthless.

I was very lucky to get a professional job through a friend in an area that I had no qualifications in but was a hobby of mine after I helped him out a few times. I’m now the best in the whole company in my area and clients ask for me especially. I would love to see the looks on my former bullies’ faces if they found out how much I make now and how cushy my job is!

Think about what you are good at and enjoy and focus on finding a job in that area. Forget about the workplace bullies, they aren’t worth your time and you will leave them behind.

As you are good at photography, have you thought about being a wedding photographer? It’s fairly easy to break into as people are always looking for cheaper photographers (which you can use to build up a portfolio). You can even do a TF (time for = unpaid) shoot with a model in a wedding dress to get started.

Whatever else you do, please find another job. There are plenty of jobs out there at the moment and you can find an employer and a team who are kind and supportive. You don't need to put up with your colleagues' nastiness.

Just think dispassionately about it for a second. They talk about you openly in a language you can't understand. They humiliate you in public, they call you names. They undermine you. These people aren't worth the air they breathe. They are rude and ignorant and unpleasant, it isn't you.

Take a deep breathe and find somewhere you will be treated with respect and courtesy.

If you can write an op like that you're wasted on waitressing.