I feel stupid, incompetent and I want to die

[Ariennnnessa]

I’m 23 and work in hospitality, that isn’t an issue in itself of course. But I’m fucking terrible at it, like I’m terrible at everything. I can’t do anything right. It’s not laziness as I try my arse off and do my best to remember stuff but my brain is like a sieve. I can’t help it.

I now have a reputation at my work for being a thick, useless, gormless twat. I admit I do make mistakes but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying and I still do it, I can’t discipline myself more than I already am doing. Because I now have this reputation though, people look for problems. I get patronised by female coworkers and male (mainly the chefs) coworkers tut and shout at me. I’m a waitress and a particular chef bullies me. Sometimes I’ll leave tickets on the stack of plates when I have to tend to a customer which he hates but he’s taken to finding fault with everything I do now. I was training a 16 year old on collecting food from the pass earlier but I left him there for 30 seconds to sanitise my hands as I’d just taken dirty cutlery from a table and when I got back he yelled my name and screamed in my face for apparently being lazy and expecting the teenager to run all of his food alone. The chefs tut to each other when I walk past and give me nasty looks, my mere presence irritates them. The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him. I was stranded outside in the restaurant in the dark, everybody pissed off home and I had to ring my partner to pick me up because I don’t drive (the restaurant is in a village on the far outskirts of Birmingham and I live in the city centre).

I made a singular mistake today on the handheld (forgot to log off the table which meant the other waitress couldn’t access it on the system, it is a problem that takes 10 seconds to fix). She approached me and said “Once again you’re not logging off the table. If it happens again I’m going to take your handheld off you.” I used to do this a lot when I first started but I’m fine with it now, it was just one mistake. This waitress and the chef speak the same language (from the same country) and they talk loudly about me in this language and laugh. I hear my name and they’ll look over at me and it makes me feel ill. There’s a manager who thinks I’m thick and today tried to explain to me what a mop was. I wanted to hit her, she does this every day and it makes me hate myself. I had to leave mid shift last week because of chronic pain and when I came in the next day she said “You looked awful!”. I mentioned it was a chronic condition I have and she pulled a face and made a point of backing away from me.

It’s not just this job though, any other job has been the same. School was the same.
People laughed whenever I got asked a question by the teacher. I hate myself. I’m not thick though, I’m extremely clever in some ways. My general knowledge is out of this world. I’m really up to date with general affairs. I’m a brilliant writer and have won several competitions, I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account. But I can’t do anything fucking right and I try so, so hard. I also recently found out I have endometriosis and I’m heartbroken and me and my partner want to TTC soon. But I feel it’s typical, I can’t do anything else right and I’m not capable of anything else so why would I be able to have a baby? Tonight I want to die.

Waitressing is hard AF.
The hospitality industry is notoriously awful - hazing, bullying, harassment.
Instead, try office work or something calmer that doesn't require you to think of 10 things at the same time, while also thinking 10 steps ahead, while being judged by co-workers and customers, and... AND having to continually bite your tongue from telling them all to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Agree with PPs upthread but wanted to chime in to affirm that you are just in the wrong job. Hospitality work requires a thick skin and is very fast-paced. As a creative thoughtful person, it’s hardly surprising that you’re overwhelmed and feel unable to work well in that environment. Some people love hospitality work, many people hate it.

It also sounds like the people you work with are bullies. Workplace bullying can be very toxic and destructive. Do you think you could look for a new job? It would be worth it for your mental health. No job is worth harmful thoughts.

I've had about a bazillion jobs and am highly educated with a masters degree (just for context), however hands down my worst and most difficult job which I dreaded going to was my part time waitressing job when I was at uni. They were all dickheads especially the chefs and I regularly got yelled at. Change jobs ASAP.

I felt like this a lot of the time when I worked in hospitality at your age. It can be a horrible sector to work in full of small-minded bullies.
I’ve made so many terrible mistakes as a waitress… I now can laugh about them.

But it’s demoralising and how your colleagues make you feel isn’t who you are.

Can you find different work? I work in the arts now and am really good at what I do. I’d still be a terrible waitress though and I’m grateful I work in a sector that’s very supportive.

Go with your strengths.

Your colleagues are nasty, bullying twats. Please leave. You sound lovely and they don't deserve you. You also sound like you're in the wrong job and your real skills are being wasted. Why not retrain in something you like and know you're good at.

I had experiences like this at workplaces when I was younger. I was terrible at the most menial tasks but went on to become a very creative and successful teacher.

I had several students during my teaching career who got off to a bad start with others at the school and eventually everyone would pile on, the typical bullying scenario which seems to be happening to you. I’m sorry. Considering the bullying and resulting stress and depression, please leave this job immediately. I wouldn’t even give notice. The job is simply not worth the toll it is taking on your mental health.

It's a toxic work environment and not your problem to fix. You sound like a lovely person with many strong skills and attributes. I would take advantage of the fact that at the moment there are loads of vacancies. Have a look around and find something better. You deserve better.

I worked in hospitality in my twenties and I was awful at it. I made mistake after mistake. I was always daydreaming. People laughed at me. Now I have a job I enjoy doing freelance writing and working totally alone which suits me much more. Maybe you haven't found your niche?

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re feeling so rubbish. Just to focus on one bit, in my experience (of waitressing jobs when younger), chefs and other people in kitchens can be arseholes and create nasty, toxic working environments. Not all of them obviously, but the point is it’s probably not you; it’s them. It sounds as though you think you deserve their treatment/low opinion of you (e.g. woman who tried to explain mop-??) and this isn’t the case at all. It’s their problem.
My suggestion is to look for a way out of there. There are plenty of workplaces where you’ll be able to find a sense of self worth and not have to put up with childish power play.

I got fired from McDonald's after two weeks as a student. I was just terrible at the job, no matter where they put me. I got stressed out really quickly when it got busy and there were simple tasks I just kept forgetting to do. Some jobs are just wrong for some people.

I was never good at any job I did. I now think it was anxiety. Am retired now. I hate being the centre of attention and assumed most people were the same ( you don't know what other people's minds are like). I should have chosen a geeky office job but as a teen thought I didn't want to 'sit in an office all day'. But I think social anxiety froze my brain.
Perhaps you have a similar nature and need something quiet away from others. Can't think of anything off hand, or maybe work with animals?

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
OP you are amazing and you know what you are good at so I would search for another job that is much more suited.
Good luck, stay positive 💐

I immediately thought of dyspraxia. My ds has a diagnosis of this and a lot of the symptoms rang true. He is also highly articulate, very interested in current affairs but struggles with the same issues as you. I couldn't think of a worse job for him than being a waiter. There is too much to think off and he would constantly make mistakes and he did have problems with teachers bullying him due to similar issues in school. Yes even after diagnosis.
I couldn't stress this more..YOU ARE IN THE WRONG JOB!! . He now works full time on a laptop, on his own and is flying at his job..just got promotion. He has less distraction, less things to keep in mind as everything is in the one place and he can pretty much work at his own pace.
Those people are horrible but a pattern has set in now and it's not going to change. Get a new job but be very aware of what you are taking on choosing a job that doesn't have so much detail involved. Many quite academic people would make terrible waiters. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You are just a square peg in a round hole and nothing will improve this except changing jobs, staying a million miles away from serving the public as it is too stressful.

Why are you doing a job that you feel you're no good at? I personally would also be completely crap at being a waitresses as I'm so clumsy!

Agree with others, you are in the wrong job. I’m sure I wouldn’t be a great waitress either. It’s not for everybody.

I also came here to say it sounds like you have dyspraxia - the trouble with remembering all the steps in a task, even the self esteem issue.

You are in the wrong job - please try to get out. You will destroy your mental health bring belittled all the time. You sound like a thoughtful, kind person and you deserve so much better than being stuck with bullies. Good luck to you OP - better things are coming your way xx

I would suggest leaving those job straight away - in the very short term look for any other job that is easy to get but in a nicer environment even if it is still a hospitality or retail job. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay there - just get out.

Longer term, make a job related goal and work towards it. What do you really want to do? How could you get there? What skills do you need? If you need to do any courses to get them, then sign up to those courses. Ask for work experience in relevant offices or work environments to give you the edge when you eventually apply for the jobs you want. Be proactive about escaping from this situation.

Test for ADD.

I feel you on this! Waitressing has had to be the WORST job I've ever had! The people who I worked with were vile bullies!
Hope you manage to get sorted soon x

Have you ever been assessed for ADD? It rings bells for ne that you can easily do artistic things but struggles with other tasks where remembering a process is needed when chaos is going on around you.

Could you make yourself a little laminated check sheet do you can easily see what stage all your tables are at to help you when distracted?

If someone shouts at you at work. Look them dead in the eye and say "do not shout at me, I don't shout at you, have some respect". Regardless off if you have ADD or not the place you work sounds dreadful, is there anything closer to home that you could go for.

Oh love. I’m so sorry.

I really, really want to reassure you that you aren’t thick, you just work with complete assholes.

I worked in a few restaurants when I was younger and they were all the most toxic workplaces I ever encountered. I don’t know what it is about being a chef that attracts psychopaths but it does, and the whole restaurant environment can be so catty and spiteful. It seems to foster a weird culture of co-dependence in which people see themselves as part of a club, and if you’re not part of that then you’re nothing.

You write really well on here. You clearly aren’t thick. You’re being bullied by twats who probably don’t like the fact that you have so much else going on in your life.

I think you should consider a new job. If I were you I would consider leaving hospitality entirely - as I said, I think it can be a really toxic industry. With the skills you clearly have you have a lot of options available to you, and you deserve so much more than to feel this way.

I am an author and when I hear most people who write being asked why they write they say ' because I couldn't do anything else's, aside from that hospitality is THE WORST industry for not being kind to others, loads of my friends were downtrodden and beaten down as receptionists, waitresses, kitchen hands etc. I won't tell you to walk out right now because you should never leave a job until you've found something else, and I won't tell you to jump into something creative because writers and photographers make a pittance in general and you need a background job to earn money (ie to live!) First, but start looking. Personally I think most people are in your shoes, I work in a shop I love now and it's a world away from the dread I felt feeling incompetent at office work or in places where I felt out of my depth. Op solidarity, don't despair. Ps I'm sure mnners can think of a lovely parting gift for when you leave your sucky co workers

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like your are a shit waitress - when busy and dealing with multiple tables it’s easy to be distracted and as for the pass incident - wow that person is a bully. It sounds more like there is a issue with the other staff than you as such. If they didn’t think you were good, you wouldn’t be training others. There are a few options - find a different waitressing job, or stick with the current one in a bullying environment and apply for multiple other jobs in fields that are far more enjoyable for you.

You’re being bullied, you’re constantly on edge, you’re going to make mistakes.

Be kind to yourself, you’re probably even a great waitress, on a different establishment.

God OP, your colleagues sounds awful. No wonder you're feeling bad about yourself when you're subject to their unrelenting bullying. You are not the problem ❤️

In the short term, just get out of there. The hospitality industry is crying out for staff so you should be able to pick up another job quite easily, and somewhere closer to home where you don't have to rely on one of your bullies for a lift home. Ok, maybe waitressing isn't for you, or maybe you're actually fine at it when you don't have your self-confidence being eroded by a toxic work environment. But working in hospitality in a nice environment is still going to be better than where you're currently working. Honestly unless you've missed out the part where they pay £30 an hour, I don't know why you're still there. Get looking for a new job today!

PS. I was also a shit waitress (now a scientist in the NHS), but the woman I spilt milk over was very understanding bless her.