I feel stupid, incompetent and I want to die

[Ariennnnessa]

I’m 23 and work in hospitality, that isn’t an issue in itself of course. But I’m fucking terrible at it, like I’m terrible at everything. I can’t do anything right. It’s not laziness as I try my arse off and do my best to remember stuff but my brain is like a sieve. I can’t help it.

I now have a reputation at my work for being a thick, useless, gormless twat. I admit I do make mistakes but I don’t know what to do. I’m trying and I still do it, I can’t discipline myself more than I already am doing. Because I now have this reputation though, people look for problems. I get patronised by female coworkers and male (mainly the chefs) coworkers tut and shout at me. I’m a waitress and a particular chef bullies me. Sometimes I’ll leave tickets on the stack of plates when I have to tend to a customer which he hates but he’s taken to finding fault with everything I do now. I was training a 16 year old on collecting food from the pass earlier but I left him there for 30 seconds to sanitise my hands as I’d just taken dirty cutlery from a table and when I got back he yelled my name and screamed in my face for apparently being lazy and expecting the teenager to run all of his food alone. The chefs tut to each other when I walk past and give me nasty looks, my mere presence irritates them. The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him. I was stranded outside in the restaurant in the dark, everybody pissed off home and I had to ring my partner to pick me up because I don’t drive (the restaurant is in a village on the far outskirts of Birmingham and I live in the city centre).

I made a singular mistake today on the handheld (forgot to log off the table which meant the other waitress couldn’t access it on the system, it is a problem that takes 10 seconds to fix). She approached me and said “Once again you’re not logging off the table. If it happens again I’m going to take your handheld off you.” I used to do this a lot when I first started but I’m fine with it now, it was just one mistake. This waitress and the chef speak the same language (from the same country) and they talk loudly about me in this language and laugh. I hear my name and they’ll look over at me and it makes me feel ill. There’s a manager who thinks I’m thick and today tried to explain to me what a mop was. I wanted to hit her, she does this every day and it makes me hate myself. I had to leave mid shift last week because of chronic pain and when I came in the next day she said “You looked awful!”. I mentioned it was a chronic condition I have and she pulled a face and made a point of backing away from me.

It’s not just this job though, any other job has been the same. School was the same.
People laughed whenever I got asked a question by the teacher. I hate myself. I’m not thick though, I’m extremely clever in some ways. My general knowledge is out of this world. I’m really up to date with general affairs. I’m a brilliant writer and have won several competitions, I have a great eye for photography and a really successful Instagram account. But I can’t do anything fucking right and I try so, so hard. I also recently found out I have endometriosis and I’m heartbroken and me and my partner want to TTC soon. But I feel it’s typical, I can’t do anything else right and I’m not capable of anything else so why would I be able to have a baby? Tonight I want to die.

God you sound just like me! I was an utterly shit waitress, couldn't do anything right. I ended up having a mental breakdown over the job and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and eventually autism. I'm still not recovered and feel totally panicked about finding other work. I feel like I'll be shit at everything else as well. Sorry I'm not much help but just know that you're not alone

Please please please get tested for ADHD, please.

Restaurants & particularly Chefs can be extremely toxic places / people to work with. It's a high stress environment (I know as I've worked in this industry for nearly 25 years). It only gets better when you move up and into Management. Your not stupid, I was rubbish at waitressing too, used to always give out wrong change and therefore never made decent tips. My saving grace was that I was extremely good with customers and so moved into customer service. Do you like that aspect of the job ?

Sounds really rough. Hospitality is very stressful with a perfectionist culture, especially if your colleagues turn against you. Could you look into something more creative or office based or even self-employed photographer? That situation and your colleagues sound toxic

The one that bullies me gives me a lift home if we finish at the same time because we live near each other (he offered when I first started) and tonight he left without me, I hadn’t accommodated for catching the train because I assumed I’d go with him.

Don't accept a lift from someone who makes you feel like sh*t - I know it will cost more, and be more of a faff, but get the train.

His company will just constantly undermine your self-esteem even if he sits in silence, and it leaves you vulnerable to being left on your own as he has done here. Suppose your DP had been unwell or away? How would you get home? You would be unsafe.

Best not to leave yourself in this position.

Look for another job. Being in this unhealthy atmosphere will actually cause you to make more mistakes because you are under such stress.

Take care of yourself - I hope you find something that suits. As others have said - it is finding your niche that is the trick.

In the meantime - deep calming breaths, and do your best. Build a wall around your feelings and just get through your shifts with a smile. Don't let yourself be rushed into error.

Morning @Ariennnnessa

More and [and from me. I could have written your post when I was your age. I was bright (really bright) at school, but left after gcses (O levels then, I'm that old) because I couldn't cope with A level studies. I didnt know why at the time, but ended up bouncing around a number of jobs, and in all of them I felt much like you describe.

I married young, promptly had a baby, and in my chaotic manner had 3 within 4 years.
Sort of thrived on the hustle and bustle but in hindsight I struggled with the sensory overload. I tended to think that as I was reasonably intelligent it was just that I was lazy and hadn't taken advantage of what I still perceive to be considerable privileges (including private school from where many if my peers launched into highly academic/exciting careers)

One of my children has since experienced exactly the same as me (minus marriage and children, though a couple of chaotic relationships added into the mix)

Anyway after speaking to a therapist she was referred to a psychiatrist aa she was also self harming, she was diagnosed with ADD at 26. She didn't present with the hyperactive part of adhd, and that's typical for women and girls, apparently.

Her psychologist took detailed family history and is pretty certain I would get an ADD diagnosis as well, and it is often a generational thing.

Dd had continued with the counselling, is on a dose of ritalin on an as and when she needs it basis, but what has helped both of us is accepting that we have different strength and weaknesses, and we need strategies in place to cope with our executive function/dysfunction. She's no longer self harming and is now in doing an access to higher education course (with added support) and will is looking at more creative work.

She sounds a lot of time in solitude and volunteers in an animal sanctuary. She is incredibly bright, not lazy, is fun to be around when things are as she needs them to be.

My life is settled and I'm very happy but I have some grief over the career I might have had now I know all this. You are so young. Don't be me.
Hospitality is the worst place for you. Its a very bullying environment.

Tl:dr Get out of catering, you are being bullied. You sound like daughter and myself, and are bright and brilliant and could do with some help.
Much love to you

@Ariennnnessa my post above is long, sorry, but please at least read the last paragraph

Leave this bullying place and work to your strengths. Before it destroys your self esteem.

Waitressing is not your thing, you are clever and have talents, look in to other careers and get going while you are young.

What gcse and a levels and other qualifications have you got?

My DH worked as a waiter and told me he was absolutely terrible at it. He is also incredibly forgetful. Now he has a very successful job in IT. I think you just have to find your strength. Just because you’re not great at one thing, doesn’t mean you’re useless. You know you have potential and that counts for a lot.

I did waitressing, and hated it so much that I ended up working in the kitchen as a pot washer instead. I'm good at most things when I'm given a chance to do the job, and have time to think as I go. It's so difficult when you're on edge all the time because there's always someone ready to have a go at you. I found the customers fine mostly as I could charm them if I needed to. The staff, not so much!
Good luck for the future OP. It's them, not you!
They lose good staff who just need a moment to think, and who would be really good if there wasn't someone going off at them all the time.
Never let this experience make you feel stupid.
You're not!!!

Your work colleagues sound shit OP.
Find a nicer place to work and take care of yourself

Waiting tables is HARD. I'm retired now and in over 45 years of paid employment waiting is the only job I have ever walked out on without another job to go to. I didn't even go back to collect my pay.

Don't beat yourself up about finding this job difficult. Certainly don't blame yourself for your colleagues nasty attitudes. Remember this is just a job, a way to make money, it isn't your life or your personality. Being good or bad at it doesn't reflect how good or bad you and your life are.

Start making plans to find something more suited to your strengths. Maybe look at temping for a while? That way you can experience different roles and workplaces and work out what is a good match for your particular combination and talents.

Good luck.

I used to work in hospitality. When I left uni I would have told you I wanted to be a restaurant manager.

Unfortunately I found exactly what you have; the whole industry (I worked in about 5 different places over 7 years) is full of absolute twats! I think it’s probably because people are working long hours for poor pay but shouting and swearing at people was routine, in some places people were particularly vile, sexual harassment was rife and I was once threatened with a chef who brought a taser to work… Trust me, it’s not you, it’s not personal!!! I also encountered people speaking the same language ganging up on me to bully me (others who spoke that language shared what was being said behind my back).

I also think as a society we devalue waitressing. We categorise it as a low skill job and therefore you assume that you should be able to do it well. In actual fact doing the variety of tasks you need to perform as a waitress (greeting, seating, taking orders, managing food out to tables, clearing, etc) in the speed required, for a variety of different guests who all have specific needs, whilst still being exceptionally pleasant to everyone is actually a huge skill and I think takes years, rather than weeks to learn and mistakes will be made in this time.

Long story short, the taser was the last straw, I went and got an office admin job and within a year was earning double the money with a bog standard Mon-Fri 9-5. A few years on I’m a project manager, probably triple what I would have earnt sticking with hospitality for half the hours. Best thing I ever did was to promise myself never to work in hospitality again. They always say they are begging for staff but they need to massively improve culture and working conditions rather than just pay!

And 100% yes to temping- I did this for 6 months to find a perm role where I wasn’t going to get bullied!

I did really basic admin (addressed envelopes, filing, basic data entry, sat on a reception desk with no tasks all day except to greet people with appointments once an hour!) and was treated with respect every time! And paid more and it helped me get my current role on my CV!

It also built back my confidence and self esteem as I realised it wasn’t me that was shit, it was the job and actually allowed me to realise that there were some nice people in the working world and not everyone was out to get me!

Ah, that was tough to read - you poor love!
Sounds like your workplace is a bullying toxic hole, and that everyone is now scapegoating you because they can, and because the management is shit and not only allowing it, but instigating it!

Get out of there ASAP and do something else, less high octane and time-pressured.

I don't know if you have ADHD, or have suspected you do, or not - but it's always worth doing the quizzes, just in case. You might not - I have some traits that do fall under the ADHD umbrella, but not enough of them to be considered for a diagnosis. However, working in a restaurant under constant pressure would absolutely NOT suit my skill set.

Re. endometriosis - don't give up hope because of it. I've had several friends and a relative who had endometriosis, and still had their own babies. A couple did have to go the IVF route but got lucky the first time. Others have managed successfully without IVF - a lot depends on how bad it is, but it's NOT the end of the line as far as having a baby is concerned.

Please start looking for another job ASAP to save your self from this torture.

I wish I could give you a huge hug!

Sounds to me like you have a neurological condition (you fit somewhere on the spectrum) and throughout your life you've never received the correct support. This is so sad, and I'm so sorry it has happened to you.

You've got nothing to lose by looking for a different job. Something totally different.

How about in the care sector? That's what I do and we are crying out for good people. It's hard work but you can do that, and there's loads of different areas you can work in. Community, care homes, hospitals, personal assistant etc.

You can do so much better than the horrible place you are now.

I am good at what I do, but I'd avoid your job like the plague, because my working memory is substandard. I'd be shit at it. I forget the start of a longer question before the speaker comes to the end.
I second getting checkend for ADD (from experience) - I felt the same as you (stupid, dizzy, lazy, and generally deficient) when I was young and at 45 the diagnosis was no longer of any use to me, only to my DC.

Sounds like you have trouble with executive function, it's often an issue for people with ADHD/ASD/dyslexia/dyspraxia. It in no way means you're stupid, you sound very intelligent, I have the same issue (and an MA passed with distinctions) so I completely understand where you are coming from.
The place you are working sound like a hell hole, you need to find something else where you are treated with respect. Endometriosis doesn't mean you can't get pregnant, hopefully it's not too severe and won't cause you too many problems. Remember 2 million women suffer from it so you're not alone. x

@mummaelle because her OP SCREAMS ADHD you knob!

Firstly, it’s not you, it’s them.

Sounds like a small business in middle of somewhere, so the team culture is a bubble. High pressure work in a tight profit margin often does not make for good employment practices.

It is unacceptable to bully staff & to allow staff to bully & harass others.
For people to gang up on a younger junior (or any) member of staff & be so openly hostile are red flags that would have any competent manager/owner tackling this to protect you, all staff & their business

Has the manager spoken with you about how your work in a quiet place just the two of you? Explained if there is a problem & what can be done to resolve this?

Your workplace sounds toxic.

The easiest thing to say & best thing to do is leave this place.
Working there is causing you too much stress & in turn this will not help your condition & TTC.

Endometriosis: do not despair. The diagnosis is a shock & will take some time & reflection for you to accept. As you say, you have very good general knowledge. Your preference is to know about matters, so in time you’ll acquire knowledge about your condition.

TTC: being stressed is a significant barrier to conceiving, so developing sound self care & stress management is a good life skill.

Finding a solution to your current situation is part of that development.

Your immediate task is to change your job.
It doesn’t have to be a massive career change, just somewhere else & closer to home.

There is no need to change yourself to please or appease the people where you work or even change their view of you, you need to get away from that place.

Sometimes we can find ourselves in a place where ‘our face doesn’t fit’, it happens. Move on.

Also, leaving you stranded after work late at night was a bastard thing to do. That was not accidental, just mean & part of the bullying.

Please don’t give up op- you may not be suited to the job you’re in but that’s because your talents lie elsewhere, absolutely not because you’re useless!

Don’t listen to people at work- they’re bullies who are possibly frustrated because they are stuck in that industry. You have other skills and can get work elsewhere. Also, your health issues don’t define you- if anything they will make you a stronger and more compassionate person.

Don’t let them grind you down, you can change things for the better. Join an agency, find another job while you think about how to put your writing and photography talents to good use. Be kind to yourself, you sound like a lovely person. Good luck op

For your mental health you need to get out of this environment. I did waitressing for a bit and hated it, but had some great colleagues who got me through. It's not for everyone, you haven't failed but you need to put yourself first, you deserve better.

I'm so sorry you feel this way!

You sound extremely articulate and bright. I'm betting you're very creative, too. Is there a possibility you have ADHD? Like somebody else has already said on here, it presents very differently with females! People with ADHD are often very smart and creative, but have difficulty concentrating and getting organised. I'll be honest, my teacher wanted to diagnose me when I was a teenager because I had very similar issues to you! Thankfully, I've learnt coping strategies to help me (I'm 31) but I still need to write everything down!

Second, catering and hospitality is brutal! A chef once told me that half the staff in the Ritz are snorting coke to keep up with the demands of such an aggressive & fast-paced environment (please note; I don't know if this is true and I am NOT recommending it! Ha). I also know of two chefs who have had nervous breakdowns, partly due to their work! Please don't tell yourself that waitressing and hospitality is easy. It's not!

💐